Saying Good Bye

A year ago tonight were the last moments I had with John. I remember bringing him home from the hospital after his first chemo treatment, he was so tired and weak and not really himself. I remember begging him to try to eat something to keep up his strength. The only thing he could manage was a bit of toast and a few sips of chocolate milk. It was Danielle's birthday and he didn't have the strength to be part of her birthday celebration. After we cut Danielle's cake I went back in the room with him and spent most of the night with my arms around him. I remember trying to will all of my strength into his body, trying to give him enough strength to fight the cancer that in such a short time was already eating away at him.

I remember telling him not to talk, I just wanted him to save his energy for getting better, but as he dozed in and out of sleep I whispered to him again and again how much I loved him. As we drifted off to sleep with all of my many alarms set so that I could wake in the night to give him his medication and breathing treatments I remember trying to slow his sharp, shallow breaths to match mine, to infuse him with my deep calming breaths. If I could have found a way to enter his body and breathe for him I would have done it, but all I could do was pray. Those prayers were never answered. I awoke in the early morning hours to John telling me he couldn't breathe. I checked his oxygen and we talked for a few minutes, he said he had to go to the restroom. While he was gone I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew I woke to him standing at the foot of the bed telling me again that he couldn't breathe. Before I could react he collapsed on to the bed and as I begged him to talk to me, to start breathing, I called 911.

There was someone here almost instantly but what I can still picture is his face with one tear in the corner of his eye. They did everything they could but he was already gone. In that moment my entire life changed. At that moment it fell as if it had completely shattered and I guess in many ways it had but I have also realized in the past year that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Not that I haven't had my weak points, not that I haven't totally lost it and fell into complete and utter despair, but no matter how low my lowest moments were I never completely gave up. How could I? I have 4 kids that need me, that depend on me, that are looking to me to show them how to continue going on.

So that is the purpose of this post, a way of saying goodbye to John. Not that I won't write about him again or not that he still won't be in my heart, but as a way to remember not just how he died but how he lived. He was such an amazing friend, husband and father. He had such a crazy sense of humor and no matter how down I was he could always make me laugh. His sense of humor was as morbid as mine which is what made us such a great couple. When I was being completely bitchy and snarky...he was always amused and completely understood were I was coming from. At the same time, he never hesitated to let me know when I was being unreasonable and in so many ways we balanced each other out.

When we first got together I'm not sure if either of us expected to fall in love so quickly. We met at work and became instant friends. In a very short time we would spend hours just talking, about our pasts about the people in our lives, about where we wanted to go in life and what we found to be most important. I don't think we really thought too much about where we were going together, it just sort of happened. Not that I made it easy for him, poor John had to propose 4 times before I finally gave him a definite yes...not that I didn't want to marry him, but I wanted my next marriage to be for life and I wanted to make sure that we both knew what we were doing. Plus I wanted his final proposal to be one we could share with our grandkids, unlike the first one which happened after a night of drinking with friends! We had a beautiful outdoor wedding which started out amid a sky of dark, gloomy rain clouds. Even though it was pouring rain I insisted that it had to be outside, so we huddled all of our guests under a large canopy and said our vows in the pouring rain. All were surprised when shortly after our ceremony the rain stopped, the sky cleared up and the sun brightened the rest of the day to help us celebrate not only our wedding but the 4th of July.

Our wedding was a great example of how our life together was. No matter how many storms came our way, and believe me there were many, we always stood together. The stronger the storm the stronger we stood because we knew together there wasn't anything we couldn't handle. Even though we were both stubborn, control freaks we both wanted the same simple things. A home for our family, to be the best parents we could be and to provide the best life for our children as we possibly could. When I look at our children and think back to the many great memories that we had together I know that we did pretty damned good at those things. Money was something we didn't always have in abundance but there was always enough for the things that mattered and along the way we still managed to make the memories that are the most important. Birthday parties, family game nights, poker nights, card nights, fairs, circuses, plays, eating out, movie nights, holiday meals, late night flashlight tag, haunted houses, road trips, fishing, going to the lake, trick-or-treating, Easter egg hunts in the middle of the night, school concerts, conferences, family meals all around the table, family meetings that started with us scolding and ended with us all laughing, books read, homework help, Spyro & Final Fantasy marathons, miniature golf, swimming pools, playing in the rain, building snowmen, Saturday morning donut runs, going to church, doing puzzles, going on walks, bike riding.... honestly the list could go on and on. The main ingredient to all of those amazing memories is that we were all together.

If John wasn't at work he was always with us. He sometimes complained about the things I would drag him to, for example he was not a big fan of the circus, but he was always the first one to start buying the snow cones and the cotton candy. He would get such a huge smile on his face when the kids were having a good time. As I look back I guess that is what I miss the most about him. His joy for living, his pleasure in the simple things in life and how no matter how tired he was from work he would still come home and give 100% to his family. Never did he decide to go to the bar and have a beer with friends, not that he couldn't have, not that I didn't encourage him to do so, but because the only place he wanted to be was home with his family. He took the time to read books to the kids, to hear about their day, he took a real interest in everything they did and enjoyed nothing more than to brag about their accomplishments in school.

I suppose I could sit here forever sharing all of the beautiful memories that we had. That is what makes this so hard. I think about our beautiful children, about our 4 year old who was cheated out of more time with her wonderful dad. I will do everything I can to keep those memories alive for the kids and I am doing everything I can to continue living the life I know he wanted us to have. But it is so fucking hard....it is hard to once again be a single mom, it is hard to sit around the table for meals to see his glaringly empty chair, it is hard to read all of the bedtime fairy tales, do all of the homework, and not have someone there to share it with you. It is hard to go to the plays and the concerts and dance shows and not have someone there to share in those joys as only a parent can. It is hard to sit in church and picture him holding the little one as he sang loudly off key in her ear to make her giggle. It sucks to sit in an empty room surrounded by pictures and memories with tears streaming down my face knowing that he is really gone.

I think about this past year without him and it has been such a blurr. I can't believe he has really been gone a year because it seems like just yesterday we were sitting in his garage, listening to classic rock blasting from his stereo, as we played cards just the two of us, watching a thunderstorm through the open door. I am so afraid that these memories will dim, that all that he was to me and the kids will somehow disappear. I know in my mind that I will never let that happen but in my heart I am scared that I will forget the bits and pieces that weren't significant in themselves but as a whole they made up who we were together and what we shared as a family.

As I say goodbye to this first year of mourning I find myself afraid to move forward. I want to work through my grief, I can feel the slivers of hope in my heart that I will find a purpose other than just getting through the pain. I am ready to move past this storm but at the same time I am afraid that if I just look to the future looking for rainbows I will miss the beauty in the dark sky that make it possible for the rainbows to appear. I want to be happy again, not just for a moment here or there, but for all of the ones in between. I want to sit around the table again as a family, something the we have only done sporadically since John passed away. I want to clear the clutter out of my bedroom and make it my own again, I want to start focusing on the joys and not just on what I have lost. I want to learn once again, and in some ways for the very first time, who I am as a person, someone who is not just a mom, not just a wife. I want to take the beauty of all that I had with John and once again start living..not just functioning but truly living.

Tomorrow I want to spend the day with the kids remembering John but I also want to take the time for myself to think about what it is I want and where I want to go from here. I don't know what the next year will bring but I am determined that when next year comes I will be writing about all of the amazing things I have done in the past year, posting pictures not of memories gone by but of those in the moment that are wonderful, spectacular and amazing that can only be experienced by truly living.


Goodbye John, thank you for all of the love and joy you brought into our lives. You will always be loved and remembered.

Like everyone else I was tagged on Facebook to write 25 Random Things about myself which is harder than it sounds! After all that work I figured I would share them here as well. My posts lately have been on the sad, serious side and figured it could use some lightening up. If you have a 25 Random Things floating around somewhere please comment so that I can read yours as well.


25. I love to fill out random surveys and questionnaires...I know everyone is most likely sick of them and most likely don't even read them but I can't help myself...it's an impulse I can't seem to control.

24. I sometimes write letters to my deceased husband on MySpace because publishing it online makes me feel like he can somehow read it.

23. I am a sucker for new household cleaning products, as soon as I see something new I have to buy it despite the fact that I hate cleaning house.

22. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness which meant no birthdays or holidays, when my parents left the church I had my very first birthday party at 16.

21. I have stacks of greeting cards that I have purchased for people that have never been filled out or sent out and when an event comes up I never use those cards I always buy new ones that don't get sent to add to the pile.

20. I have had the same online blog since November 1, 2000.

19. My favorite ice cream is Ben & Jerry's Phish food which my kids know when purchased, which is rarely, to not even ask for a bite because I won't share.

18. I apparently failed the number one lesson in kindergarten... see #19 ... because I HATE to share.

17. I prefer hard liquor over beer although will occasionally drink wine and I would never drink anything frozen that has a cute little umbrella in it... the only exception being of course margaritas (minus the umbrella).

16. When I was 15 I worked at a Chinese restaurant and was shocked to see Cindy Crawford (my idol at the time) eating there, I was too embarrassed to ask her for an autograph but was beyond excited when she asked me to go outside with her and her friends and take their picture in front of the building.. which thinking about it now was weird cause it was an ugly building not to mention we were in Cheyenne, Wyoming!?

15. I have always dreamed about writing a book but have never attempted it because I am scared to death that it would suck and no one would read it, well except my mom and grandmother but that doesn't count!

14. I hate cartoons...all of them... even the Disney ones.

13. I love PostSecret and have a few secrets that I would never share here that maybe someday I will mail to them.

12. I play on my 4yr old's Webkinz account "because she is too young" but I think when she is old enough to play on her own I will still play on her account.

11. I will be getting my first (and probably only) tattoo on July 4th in memory of my husband which is also our wedding anniversary.

10. I hate that facebook doesn't have spell check and often copy/paste my notes/messages to Word so that I can check the spelling before I post.

9. I have watched just about every episode of Charmed & Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

8. When I was a preschooler my dad would take me rabbit hunting in the Colorado mountains, once he left me to sit and wait for him while he hiked an area that would be too hard for me and when he came back I was having a tea party with the dead rabbits.

7. I have been in love with George Michael since his WHAM days and I still refuse to believe that he is gay.

6. I can't sing to save my life and am always amazed by my daughters' beautiful singing voices cause I have no idea where they got that talent from.

5. When my daughters were in girl scouts I didn't even attempt to sew their badges on their vests/sashes instead I just hot glued them into place.

4. I don't really love to scrapbook, too messy and time consuming, but I have sometimes put it down as a hobby in profiles because I can't think of anything else.

3. I am fascinated with all things Irish which is strange considering I am Hispanic and sometimes wish my husbands last name would have been O'Sullivan instead of just Sullivan.

2. I still enjoy coloring in coloring books and playing with play-dough and find those things to be my favorite part of running a home daycare.

1. I have the horrible habit of leaving the cupboard doors open when I am in the kitchen...something that drove both of my husbands insane.

A day that will forever be remembered in history and I find myself wondering what John would think if he were alive to see this. I know that he would have been excited as I am to see Obama take office. I find myself on twitter and CNN's Live stream and know that millions of people around the world are watching live and the one person I would love to share this day with is no longer here.

I wonder how many more events will bring me to this moment of wanting more than anything to share this with my best friend. Of course there are the personal days, like graduations, weddings, grandchildren being born...those are a given that I will want more than anything to have John next to me to share those moments but I am surprised how much I find myself wanting to talk to him today. To hear his thoughts on such a historical day.

At the same time there is a feeling of sadness as I realize that life goes on. Not just the small events of every day life, but the huge, historical moments that he will never be a part of and yet I have no choice but to continue living my life because as much as you don't want it to - time continues to pass and bring with it continual change. I think the sadness is partly from the feelings of excitement I have at such a huge change for our country and the knowledge that John will never be a part of this time with me.

Last night at my BE support group I had a bit of an epiphany in hearing the statement... "You are You.. You are not your marriage." And yet that is how I have felt defined, first by my children and secondly by my marriage...I am still a mom but I am no longer a wife and I realize that I don't know how to define myself without that connection...and if I don't figure out how to do that where will that leave me when the kids all grow up and I am left alone? I also realized that I am still holding on to many ties to John that I am not sure when I will be ready to let go. I am still wearing my wedding rings and still feel married, I still find myself talking to John and when I have to fill out a relationship status I find myself marking "married" if "widowed" is not available because the thought of marking myself as "single" isn't even possible right now. At the same time I know that as I work through my grief those ties will soon start to unravel to the point that they will no longer be there. One day I will wake up and be ready to take off my wedding rings and place them in a box, I will no longer fall asleep whispering an "I love you and miss you" to John in the dark, emptiness of a lonely bed, I will no longer be afraid to mark the "single" box and I will no longer feel married.

I don't know when that day will come but I do know that it is out there and I know that when I reach that day the person who would be the proudest of me will be John. He might not be here in the every day moments but I believe with all my heart that his love and presence are still with me and I know that he will be ready for me to let him go, when I the time comes that I am ready to let him go.

So I will continue with my day, I will no doubt cry as I listen to our new Presidents speech and I will listen to the kids excitement as they come home from school, I will make dinner and spend the night watching Inauguration coverage on tv. I will give my thoughts and prayers to our President and our nation for change to really be here and although part of me is sad for my own personal loss of a great husband another part of me is also feeling happiness and excitement over what the future will bring.

Hard to believe that in less than a month it will have been one year since John has been gone. I find myself dwelling on the dates, remembering what it was we were doing at this time a year ago. I keep remembering how sick John was with what the doctor told us was only bronchitis. We were both tired of him being sick and doing our best to not let our minds dwell on the fact that he wasn't getting better. Not once did I imagine that he would die from being sick, it seriously never crossed my mind.

Looking back I find myself questioning why I didn't suspect how serious it was, how could I not have known how sick he was? Part of me feels that I was afraid to acknowledge the possibility that there was something more going on than a simple cold he couldn't shake and another part of me wonders if because I always thought of him as strong and never let myself think about my life without him that I truly never imagined that anything could happen to him.

I try to not beat myself up with the "what ifs" because these do nothing but make me feel worse at a time that is already hard enough to deal with. I am thankful that I am now in counseling and I am also thankful that my BE (Beginning Experience) group will be meeting again next week. I am going to need all of the support I can get in the next few weeks.

As much as I try to prepare myself for the pain that is inevitable, I also feel like I don't want to spend the next few weeks dwelling on my pain and loss because as much as I would like to go to bed and sleep until Jan. 2nd passes me by, that just isn't an option, and I don't see the point in completely draining myself with sadness. So that is why I am doing my best to focus on the positives in my life. When John first passed away I did my best to write down 5 things I was grateful for every day. I haven't done that on a regular basis lately and would like to start getting back into the habit.

In that same spirit I have also joined (as of today) 29Gifts.org as a way to focus some of my energy away from myself and to give back to others out of thankfulness to all of the people who have been there for me and the kids this past year. I am looking forward to giving my first gift and excited to see what the next 29 days will bring.

Christmas vacation is officialy over. The kids are back in school and we are back to our old routine. We made it through our first Christmas without John ok, although for me I think the days after Christmas were the hardest. There was so much to do to get ready for Christmas that it must have kept me distracted enough that I wasn't as sad as I was worried I was going to be.

Although Christmas Eve was very hard, we went to John's sister's house and it was very strange to be there celebrating Christmas without him. John's kids didn't show up, but that wasn't a surprise. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that they don't wish to have a relationship with myself or my kids. It has been hard for me to get to this point but I am finally okay with that. When we got home it was also hard to do all of the Christmas Eve stuff that John and I used to do together. Putting out the Santa gifts by myself after the kids were all in bed was very hard and I broke down crying several times. When I finally went to bed I had a good cry and I think that helped me to get through Christmas Day.

We enjoyed a great day together, the kids opened their gifts and we had fun playing their new games. Although Caitlyn was a bit disappointed that the doll house that she asked Santa for came from me instead of from Santa. Santa brought her some nice toys but there really wasn't room in his sleigh for her doll house so I bought it for her instead. I tried to explain that Santa is my friend too and that I like to help him get her special gifts as well... she was still upset that Santa didn't bring it for her... disillusioned at 4... but I guess losing your daddy at such a young age will do that to you.

Despite that setback, the rest of the day was fun. I think my favorite memory of the day was seeing the excitement in Caitlyn's face when Anthony opened up the gifts that she had picked out and wrapped for him all by herself. She was bouncing up and down in her excitement to see his reaction to the great gifts she picked out which made me realize that giving truely is better than receiving.

New Years Eve was hard but the kids and I did our best to have a great time. Brittany went to a party with Josh but the rest of us stayed home and played games and watched movies. It was pretty much what we did last year, except for last year John was already so sick that he spent most of the evening in bed. I remember we moved the games into our bedroom so that he didn't miss out on the party and him and Caitlyn read books together and they both fell asleep before midnight inspite of all the noise the rest of us made playing Guitar Hero and Singing Star.

Besides remembering how sick he was I also remember it as the last time that we made love. Although he was sleeping when I finally went to bed his son called because he had been drinking and need a ride home. John drove him home about 3am and when he came back home we were both awake, we cuddled in bed and made love.... never imagining that it would be for the very last time.

So once again I get through the hard times with bitter sweet memories, so thankful for all of the wonderful memories of John but at the same time missing him so much that I have this unbearable ache deep inside. I know that my grief is getting better, I don't cry every day and I can think of him and talk about him without completely breaking down, but at the same time there are moments that hurt so much that I feel as if I am reliving the day he died again and again. I am dreading February 2nd, I am not ready for this first year of mourning to be done, I want to hold on to him and somehow it feels as if I will be letting him go once we reach that mark.

I do know that healing has taken place in many ways, the kids and I are pretty much used to life on our own, the empty spaces left by John's death and the distance from the stepkids are getting filled with new memories and new friendships. I find myself looking towards 2009 with hope that this year will be ok, there are many things to look forward to and I refuse to let my pain take over my life. Brittany will graduate in May, my uncle and grandmother are hoping to visit this year, there will soon be another spring and another summer and with that even more memories to be made.

You never know what life has in store for you but in reflecting back on 2008 I know that no matter what it brings I will have the strength and grace to handle whatever comes my way. At this point I guess I can't ask for more than that.

I had my last counseling session of the year today. It was extremely draining and I am completely exhausted. I realize just how much pain I still have to deal with since losing John. All I want to do right now is go to bed and take a nap which I can't do, I also feel a sense of relief that I can face the pain, feel the pieces shatter and still be able to pick myself up and keep going. Although it is very hard it also tells me that I am going to be ok.

Have you ever read a book and found yourself so vested in the characters that you can't help yourself from taking a peek at the end to make sure that they have a happy ending before you put any more of your feelings on the line for them? Well that is how I am feeling right now. I wish that I could take a peek into the future just to check that it all turns out all right, if I could only know that it would be so much easier to face the pain that it is going to take to deal with grieving for John.

But of course there is no way to do that and I suppose that is ok, my happy ending can still be waiting for me, after all I have already had a happy ending with John, I just hope that the sequel to my life isn't as disappointing as most that I have watched in theaters!

Well, we made it through Christmas. It wasn't easy but it helped to focus on the kids and do my best to make this a great Christmas for them. I think they all pretty much got what they wanted, Caitlyn got her dollhouse, Anthony got Rock Band, the girls both got new stereo ipod docks which they love although the might have preferred cell phones but maybe for their birthdays. Overall, it was a great Christmas...with of course the one huge fact that we all missed John like crazy, but I know he was here smiling down on us, in our hearts and minds as he is every day.

It was really nice to just have my little family here for the day although we did enjoy Christmas Eve with John's sisters and really enjoyed having Ver and Penny stop by on Christmas to visit with the kids and play a few games. It was very nice and relaxing and the one thing I really wish is that John and I would have had a smaller Christmas last year with just us and our little family so that we could have had just a bit more time together without all of the craziness of guests. But of course everything happens for a reason and I am thankful that for New Years Eve it was just us although as that day gets closer I find myself getting sadder because I realize we are getting close to the one year anniversary since he has been gone and I just don't feel ready to deal with that yet.

It has been nice having the kids home from school but I am looking forward for New Years Eve to be here and gone. A new year, a fresh start... so much has been changing and as hard as 2008 was I am hoping that 2009 will be a much better year. I have so many things that I am working on right now that it has me excited for a new year. The main one being the work I am doing on myself as I am still seeing a councilor to work through the loss of John and from pain that I still carry from my past. It has been hard so far and I am sure it will only get harder but it also feels good to feel so much of the crap being let go. I am looking forward to getting back on track with eating healthy and working out. I also look forward to this time of year to get a bit more organized and get rid of clutter that we no longer need.

So time to start making those resolutions, time to start letting go of the past and start looking toward the future. I have no idea what the next year will bring but I do know from looking not just back on 2008 but on all of the years prior to that, I am a very strong person and there isn't anything that I can't do.

Last night the kids and I enjoyed the Holiday Lights parade in Fargo, it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be although we did start freezing towards the end. I had told Britt & Danielle that we were going to the parade and would pick them up right after drama practice but being teenagers they didn't think to dress appropriately and Britt was actually wearing capris & high heels! If we would have had time to go home and change we would have went but we were already running late. I did think to bring them hats/gloves and there were blankets so that did help. We had a great spot on Broadway right in front of Juanos Mexican restaurant. Of course I forgot to bring bags for candy which had Caitlyn freaking out, she finally took a hat from her sister and used that to collect candy and when that got too full we dumped it in my purse. I know the kids love getting candy but I sometimes wish that they didn't throw candy so that they would just sit and enjoy watching the floats go by instead of jumping around snatching at tootsie rolls that no one really eats anyway.

Towards the end of the parade Caitlyn started complaining about being cold and the girls said there feet were frozen so we went to Juanos to eat, we had a great dinner (including a yummy margarita for me) and were still able to watch the end of the parade.

I realized last night that I have most of my Christmas shopping done which means that I will have more time to take the kids to holiday events like last night. I think it will be fun do the sorts of things that I always wanted to do but have never really made time for. John was always so tired when he got home from work that I never would have wanted to drag him to a parade and it wouldn't have felt right to go without him so we didn't do a lot of stuff like that but I know he would be happy to see the kids enjoying the holiday season doing things as a family. Not to mention that I am hoping that by keeping busy we won't have too much time sitting at home being sad.


The kids waiting for the parade to start

One of the many beautiful floats in the Holiday Light parade

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog...all areas of my life seem to have been extremely sporadic. I can't focus on any one thing and seem to drift from one thing to another not really accomplishing anything other than to fill my time with meaningless tasks. I am working on fixing that though thanks to my BE group and the BE weekend I attended. The weekend was AMAZING! It really opened up my eyes to all that has been inside of me that I have never acknowledged. The first thing I did after my weekend was find a counselor. Last week was my first session and I will be going again today. We seemed to click right away and I feel very comfortable talking to him so hopefully I can work through all of the crap from my past so that I can grieve for John so that I can focus on living my life in the present.

I still miss John very much and there will always be an empty place in my heart because he is no longer with me, but I am learning that I have to acknowledge that empty space and not fill it with destructive behaviors. I have made a few poor choices since John passed away, but I realize now that those desicions don't define who I am as a person, they only prove to show how lost I have been since John passed away. I am getting better and in doing so have no reason to continue on a self destructive path. I feel bad for what I did but I am not going to let a few mistakes define who I am as a person or take away from all that I was in the past and all that I am now.

Things will never be the same, I will never be the same... but I am finally realizing that I am ok with that. I miss the people who were part of my life when John was alive, but I can't hold on to them to keep him alive because he is gone and without him it just doesn't seem to work. Losing the few makes me even more appreciative of those who have chosen to keep me in their life, I am so thankful for those who have continued to love and support me and the kids even during the time that I seemed to only want to push people away from me. Honestly I didn't even realize I was doing that but now that I know I am hoping to stop putting up walls around me. The walls served their purpose in dealing with the pain of losing John but it is time to let them go, I don't want to live life afraid of feeling pain, pain is part of life and once you deal with the pain you are free to move on and experience all that life has to offer.

I am looking forward to the holidays in a bittersweet sort of way. It won't be the same without John, it is going to be sad, but at the same time I am determined to make them fun for the kids. I don't want them to grow up hating holidays because they make them feel sad or depressed. I can't promise that there won't be tears shed, but I am promise to make sure there is plenty of love and laughter to help deal with the tears. I am lucky to have such amazing children and I want to make sure that we all life a life that John would be proud of.


Taken Veteran's Day 2008

The kids at the Red River Valley Zoo in front of the rock that we purchased in John's memory

I'm not sure where to start, the past few weeks have been very hard. I have been dealing with personal medical stuff, nothing serious so far, just abnormal pap smears and procedures to prevent anything serious. I'm not sure if that is why I fell apart tonight, or if it is a combination of that and my coming up on almost 9 months of John being gone, or most likely a combination of several different things.

What I do know is that the pain is so overwhelming right now that I can't stop crying and I am feeling so very alone. I just want my life back, I want my husband back, I want to go to bed with my arms around him knowing that everything in the world is as it should be. I just sat in a room of people at my BE meeting listening to them all talk about what they can see for their future now that they are divorced, even those still in pain from the divorce can see a future of happiness with another person. I couldn't even answer the question because I honestly don't know what if anything I can see for my future.

I know that John would want me to move forward, but honestly I can't imagine finding anyone out there who will make me as happy and complete as he did. I am feeling sad because I miss him, sad because I am lonely, sad because it feels as if eveyone else has moved on from his death and I am still here back in square one with the same heart wrenching pain that leaves me feeling like I can't breathe.

Halloween is coming up and I can't help but think back to last year when John was starting to get sick. Since our first Halloween together John took the little ones trick-or-treating while I handed out candy. Last year was the first year ever that we went together. He was already so tired, so weak, we thought he just had a cold. I remember when Caitlyn got tired of trick-or-treating and wanted to be carried home he was in too much pain to carry her, so I picked her up and carried her home. If I would have really stopped to think about it I would have realized just how sick he really was. Looking back, there is no way that he would have let me carry her all those blocks home if he wasn't deathly ill. Why didn't I see that? How could I not have known? Or was it that somewhere deep inside we both knew but neither of us were able to face the truth?

Nine months he has been gone and I still have more questions than answers. How is it possible that he is really gone? I will never see him again or kiss him again, I will never hold his hand or touch his hair. No matter how much I cry or how much I beg, he is never coming back. He is gone and I am still here, left with this pain that hurts so fucking much I just want to scream. I am locked in this room, the only outlet for my pain is this computer, a keyboard and screen that are as cold and unfeeling as I wish I were. If only I could shut of this pain, drink away this emotion, but I can't. I have kids that need me, and unlike when I was divorced I don't have weekends when I am child free so that I could deal with my pain and not worry that my pain or destruction would hurt the kids, instead I have to hold it all in, be strong, deal with it on my own the best I can, pushing the pain away until I am numb.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if the numbness would keep the feelings at bay, the problem is that it is only temporary. The feelings seem to find the worst times to come rushing out, at church, at these meetings I have been going to, in the middle of buying groceries, driving down the street, the feelings and emotions are so unpredictible that I feel like a basket case at times because when they finally push their way to the surface I can no longer hold them back and the tears turn to sobs and they just won't stop. Even something as simple as someone giving me a hug can set it off, to the point that I just want to push people away from me and do what ever it takes to stop feeling.

But I can't. I have kids that need me and how can I be a good mom if I let all emotions die? How can I be there for them if I allow myself to become nothing more than an empty shell? So I will do the best I can, which is sit here and cry, let it all out and piece myself back together the best that I can.

It is hard to believe that it has been 8 months since John has been gone. In many ways things are ok, but in many ways I am still working on getting on with my life. I am still sad, but lately the anger seems to have overtaken sad. I still cry but not as much, but when the tears do start it is hard to get them to stop.

The kids are doing good. Britt and Danielle have a play coming up next week, they are doing well in school. Anthony is doing good in school and is wanting to be in the chess club again this year. Caitlyn is cute and silly as usual and can always make me smile. She loves Sunday school and has recently started dance which she also loves. Hard to believe she will be in kindergarten next year!

I have started going to BE (Beginning Experience) a group for men/women who have lost a loved one through divorce or death. It is once a week and I find myself looking foward to going every week. Most of the people there are divorced but the loss is similar (not the same in my mind but I can see how a divorce can be like a death) and the grieving process seems to be the same. It is nice to have a place to go, to talk to others in similar situations who can understand my anger and grief.

The stepkids seem to be drifting away and I'm not sure if there is much I can do (or should do) about it. Maybe being around me and the kids reminds them of their dad being gone, maybe being in this house is too hard, I honestly don't know because they have just sort of stopped staying in touch. I know that I can try to get in touch but maybe for me it is also time for me to get over my feelings that losing them is like losing John.

The reality is that John is gone, he is never coming back and I need to move on with my life. I care about his kids and want only the best for them, but I am 35, I am not ready to start knitting and be a grandmother. I don't know what role I have now, it was easy with John here, without him I am finding myself again and I guess I need space to do so. I hope that the kids and their kids are always part of my life in some way but right now I guess we all just need some space from each other.

I still find it hard to focus on things, I have so many things that need to be done but I just can't seem to accomplish much more than routine every day things like cleaing the kitchen and making meals. My room is a mess, I find myself buried in clutter, almost like it is a way to hide the fact that John is no longer here. If I focus on the mess I can think about something else other than being sad and when it is clean I feel like it will painfully obvious that he is no longer here.

So, I pile up papers, and stack clothes, move stuff around but haven't taken the time to really clean it. Hopefully I will get to it soon because I don't like it this way, I just don't know if I am ready to face the reality of what is really going on. Without the mess, it is just an empty room, an empty bed, an empty life.

Obviously I still have quite a bit to work through... not sure if I will ever be ok, I want to be ok, but it is so hard, to move forward I have to let go of the past and I am not quite ready to do that yet.

Well, as if things weren't going bad as it was my computer decided to take a crap at the end of February and so I have been disconnected in many ways. I have missed the outlet of being able to write here and get my thoughts down. I have missed having a way to vent or feel as if there were someone out there who maybe can understand what I am going through. Quite a bit has happened in the last few months and I don't have time to write about it all but I will soon, the main thing is that I miss John more and more every day but life goes on and so do I. The kids need me to be strong and so I am doing my best. Mother's Day was hard and I am dreading Father's Day but with each day I will just keep going. It is still hard to believe that he is really gone, I keep expecting him to walk through the door and give me a hug and kiss. I wake up in the mornings and expect to feel him next to me and it takes a few moments to realize that he is really gone. The kids are also still working through their loss, the don't talk about it much but some days (like yesterday) Caitlyn will just get very sad and just sit there missing her dad. We talk about him often and I hope that in doing so I will keep his memory alive for her. It is so hard to imagine a day when she no longer remembers her daddy. He loved her so much and I want her to always remember that although it is hard to see little girls with their daddy's and know that Caitlyn will never have that. But, I can't dwell on thoughts like that or else I wouldn't be able to function so I will just do my best to keep my spirits up and be thankful for all of the wonderful memories and thankful for all of the support that we have received from friends and family.

Yesterday would have been John's 50th birthday, instead there was a benefit in celebration of his life. I am overwhelmed by all of the support we received, I am humbled by how many people cared enough to be there and I am sad because it is yet one more thing that I won't be able to share with John. I wonder what he would think of all of this? I bet he would be amazed at how many people cared enough about him to be there.

I have so much more that I want to write but I am so tired. I am drained and all I want to do is go to bed.

The past few days have been extremely difficult. It is starting to hit me that he is really gone, he is never coming back and I am completely alone. I suppose that I would feel alone regardless of how many people were around me but the aloneness seems to be hitting harder because there are quite a few people I had expected to at least hear from but haven't. I was angry with my brother but when we finally talked about it...or should I say when I yelled at him about it, he expressed that he didn't know what to say...that he felt words weren't enough and that to send a card would seem like an insult. I guess I have always tried to reach out in sympathy to those that needed it but I can think of a few times when I wasn't there for someone who needed it. As I look at those times I realize that they hit too close to home and I didn't know what to do or say.

I am trying to keep that in mind and working hard to let hurt feelings go because in the end the only person they are going to hurt is me. So I am working on finding things to be grateful for and I am working on writing down all of the wonderful memories I have of John. I have been spending quite a bit of time at CafeMom because when I write there I know that someone is reading it and in the short amount of time I have been part of that community I have found quite a bit of support. It is nice to have this blog to write and not worry about many people (if any) reading it but at the same time it is also nice to know that what you are writing is being read and it is nice to feel as if I have support out there, even if it is only in the virtual world.

So yesterday sucked, I had to apply for medical assistance and temporary food stamps for me and the kids just to help us get through until I figure out which direction I am going in. The medical part is important because I need to get a complete physical because it is more important than ever that I get healthy. As hard as it is for the kids to be without John it would be even harder if they lost me so I need to take care of myself for them and also because I promised John that I would. I really hate asking for help, there were plenty of times when John and I could have asked for assistance but we never did. We just did some creative budgeting and stretched our food as far as it would go....thank goodness for beans and rice! Sometimes I was told that we should just get over being proud and ask for help. But it wasn't just pride it was important to John and I that we do this on our own. We made the commitment to the kids and we never wanted them to feel like we had to take charity to support them. So we didn't go on fancy vacations and the kids didn't have tons of new clothes when school started and John and I sacrificed things that we would have liked to have but thanks to help from family we were always ok financially and in the important things, the things that mattered most we had far more of than a lot of people have.

We were always so happy, even when times were hard we were happy because we were together, we had our family and each other and smart, talented and wonderful kids...we were extremely lucky. So I am thankful that we never asked for help because it makes what we did together even more amazing. But now he is gone....and as much as I hate to do it, I have to ask for help. Not forever, not for very long....just until I can figure out where I am at and how I am going to juggle everything. People have always told me that assistance is there for when you really need it....well guess what? I really need it but it still sucks!

So today was pretty much a crap day. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I was upset because I hadn't heard from my brother since the funeral and although I understood that he couldn't make it to the funeral I was upset that him and his stupid wife didn't even think to send a card. I was venting, I'm sorry, I need to do that sometimes and since John isn't here to listen to me vent I was stupid and vented to her. I asked her to NOT tell my brother but of course that is the first thing she does and surprise, surprise, my brother calls.

I didn't want him to call because someone told him to call, I am just sick of feeling so alone. He isn't the only one not calling, since the funeral I haven't heard from quite a few people and the only ones I have seen are my sister (because she has to drop of Tyler for daycare), women from church who have been bringing food, and John's sisters. I did see Marshal but that is only because I went to Shelby's dance recital oh yeah and ViAnnah but only because she needed me to drive her to the emergency room. All of the kids had promised to stop by this weekend...of course they didn't...big shocker there. I know that not everyone's life stops because my husband is dead but it sure as hell would be nice if all of my family who promised John that they would be here for me and the kids would at least pretend to follow through for the first month or so.

So I started yelling at my brother and mostly I was yelling cause I was mad at my mom for having such a big mouth. I'm not even going to bother calling her about this because she is just so wrapped up in "her pain" that she just makes me mad. I can't help but wonder if her "pain" is because MY husband is dead or is it because the attention isn't all focused on her.

Okay, so now I sound like a bitter bitch. Sorry...I am bitter and angry and bitchy and you know what, it doesn't matter because for the most part there isn't anyone around who gives a shit. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives and that is fine except what hurts the most is that John and I would both have been there completely for anyone that we know if the circumstances were reversed. My sister would call on my husband for every little thing even though she has her own boyfriend who was capable of doing those things, do you think now her or her boyfriend would think to stop by to see if maybe I need help shoveling snow or fixing a sump pump that isn't working? Of course not, because that would be too much work. Not to mention that most people don't have a problem asking for help, I should know because my husband was always the person they would call. I don't like asking for help, and now that I have had to ask for help it sucks because the few things that I have asked for haven't been done. I still can't do laundry, my sump pump is still broken and I can't even get a stupid punching bag so that I can get some of this anger out without having to write mean nasty things that will make me feel guilty later.

I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so mad and not having the one person here who would always be able to calm me and make me laugh. I hate that I can't vent to someone and not be able to trust that they will keep their mouth shut about it. I hate that I have to sit in my room all night, alone crying because it is so empty without him. I hate that I am starting to get mad at him. I hate that it will be a long fucking time before I can be with him again and I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I hate being asked how I am doing. Seriously...how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?! How do you think I am doing?

Today was another long day. The kids and I went to church although I really didn't want to go. Brittany was a bit mad at me because she didn't get home from drama until late...I had predicted 3 or 4am...I was wrong. She didn't get home until after 7am! I didn't sleep all that great because I was waiting for her and so it wasn't a great morning. We did go to church and I got there just in time to teach Sunday school (I teach Britt's class) and had fun listening to Britt complain about me making her go.

I'm not sure what did it, but something in church made me start crying. It wasn't the horrible sobbing cries but it was embarrassing all the same, and of course I didn't have a kleenex. You would think that I would have learned to carry them everywhere by now! They also announced the benefit for our family which will take place next weekend in honor of what would have been John's 50th bday. After church there were several wonderful people who offered support and I did really good at not crying for quite some time but of course started crying again. I hate crying, my nose gets red and my eyes get puffy and I look like complete crap. I have always hated women who can cry and look beautiful while doing it.

After church I dreaded the thought of coming home and missing John and our normal Sunday ritual of him and the girls making pancakes for everyone and me reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee. Have I mentioned that my husband was wonderful at spoiling me? After breakfast the kids would clean up and John and Caitlyn would usually take a nap on the couch while I was either here on the computer or with them on the couch reading a book. Sundays were always relaxing days just for us. So the thought of coming home and making breakfast just didn't sound so great. Instead, the kids and I went to McDonalds for lunch and we then went to Barnes and Noble. I had wanted to find a cd with the song "Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi but before I could find it Caitlyn had to go to the restroom. We ran into a woman from church there, one whom I have seen and said hello to but never had a chance to get to know. She was very sweet and we started talking and of course I am an emotional wreck and started to tear up. She offered to buy me a cup of coffee and we sat down and had a wonderful conversation. The kids all picked out books...altough I never did find something for me...big surprise.

We then went to the movie theater to see "Enchanted" which we have been wanting to see. It was in the cheap theater which meant I spent $8 on tickets and $30 on drinks, popcorn and candy. The movie was really cute and it was a great escape from reality which is what I really needed.

Unfortunately, you always have to return to reality which I did the second we got home and I checked the mail. Waiting for me were John's death certificates. I knew it would be hard to see them, but it was even worse than I thought to see his name on there with the official state seal as well as cause of death which was listed as pneumonia as well as pericarditis (which I had to google to find out what it meant). The official term for lung cancer was also listed as a contributing factor. The pericarditis was new to me because we still haven't seen an autopsy, hopefully when we get that it will clear up some of the questions we have had. I also talked to Missy today which was nice and I'm glad I talked to her because it helps to just have someone listen. Which is probably why I continue to blog here, to feel as if someone (anyone) is listening.

So I made dinner (we still didn't eat at the table but I plan to change that tomorrow) and we watched a movie and now I am ready to go to bed...I am exhausted.

Today was a long, draining day. I went to see P.S. I Love You with Rocky, Ver, and Kristy this afternoon. I read the book a few years ago so I knew what it was about, in fact John and I had talked about going to see it when it first came out. Well, I just have to say that I am so glad I went. I sometimes have a hard time dealing with wanting to cry, I am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Well, in this case the tears were mingled with laughter and it was a very theraputic experience. There were parts that had me sobbing and there were parts that freaked me out because they were similar. John was of course Irish (although he didn't have that sexy accent) and he was silly and would sing way off key. He loved to dance and always knew how to make me laugh. The scene in the karoke bar had me crying because the last time we went out as a couple was to a karoke bar. We both always talked about going to Ireland together, in fact when we first started dating that was one of the first things we found we had in common, we both have always wanted to go to Ireland. Some of the scenes with the mother were similar and well there were a few more things. Mostly it was just the words, her feeling of having him hold her in bed, her feeling him close, turning to wake him up and finding him not there, I am sure that anyone who has lost a spouse would completely relate to this movie. At the end I sobbed because many of the things that were in the last letter were things that John said to me before he died. His sister told me that the letters would have been something John would have done if he would have had more time. I agree and although it would be nice to get a letter from him it would also be extremely hard, I fall apart as it is when I come across an old grocery list in his hand writing.

After the movie we went out to eat and we talked for quite some time. It was nice to be able to talk to his sisters and get insight into the years before I was part of his life. I can't even put into words what we shared because we talked for quite some time, I am just thankful that we were there together and I am sure that we will be doing that again soon.

I had a call from ViAnnah as we were leaving the restaurant and she was upset with Brandyn and asked us to take her to the emergency room. I talked to her a bit ago and she sounds fine and they didn't find anything wrong so I am sure that it is just stress. Hopefully she doesn't let her hormones get the best of her and I hope that all is well with her and the baby for the next 8 months or so. I did have a breakdown when we took her to the emergency room. She lives right across the street from the hospital where John found out he had cancer and also where they took him before they pronounced him dead. I was in a hurry to get her to the doctor because I promised Britt I would be at her play tonight. So it wasn't until we walked into the emergency room that it hit me where we were. I walked her inside, she got registered and when we walked into the waiting room I freaked out. I had to run outside and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. When John left the hospital we had to leave out of the emergency exit because the main doors were locked and a few days later after he collapsed at home the ambulance took him back to that same hospital. John's sisters found me outside crying and we talked about how hard it was to be there. Rocky showed me where the ambulance came through and she told me that she seen me stand there and kiss him as they wheeled him out of the ambulance. I didn't know anyone had seen that, that was the last time that I was able to kiss his warm face even though in my heart I knew that he was gone. I finally pulled myself together and we went back inside only to go back to a room with ViAnnah which was right next to the room where we saw John after he was declared dead. It was very hard but at the same time the tears felt healing and I suppose it is all part of the process. Maybe it was better to get it out of the way instead of waiting until years later and falling apart out of the blue.

Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. But of course I couldn't do that because I still had to go to Brittany's play. So I got home, took a quick shower and made it just in time. Thankfully my friend Kristy was there early to get us tickets. The show was amazing and I am glad that I was able to see the last performance. Now I get to wait up all night for Britt to get home because they have strike (tearing down of the set) right afterwards and she won't be home until around 3 or 4am. We also have church in the morning so I suppose I should try to get some rest although I really don't think I will be able to fall asleep until Britt is home.

So today was a very strange day. I don't think I slept well and woke up feeling sad and very cold. For a split second I thought about waking John up to have him go check the heater but it didn't take long to remember that he wasn't there.

Anyway, my day was dragging and I was feeling out of sorts. When nap time came for the kiddies I laid down on my bed for a few minutes. I was just going to read a bit but I drifted off to sleep. I felt as if I was in the middle of being awake and asleep when suddenly I felt as if someone where in the house. I felt as if I couldn't move and I was starting to panic until I remembered that I had locked the door before I laid down. Suddenly I felt as if someone were in the room with me and I felt a warm presence next to me. I felt a soft warm light enter my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and I didn't freak out because I knew it was John's spirit entering me. It was the weirdest yet most comforting thing I have ever felt. I drifted off to sleep feeling him as part of me and when I woke up I didn't freak over a weird dream I just felt a comforting thought that he had been here with me. I could feel that he was no longer here but I can still feel the completeness of having his spirit with me. It is a comfort and yet I feel as if I were to tell this to someone they would think I was losing my mind. I guess it's a good thing that no one is reading this.

Right before it was time to wake the kiddies from their nap the doorbell rang. It was a package from the hospital where John was admited with pneumonia. He had forgotten his pillow and I had thought that Brandyn was picking it up but I kinda forgot about it. They had mailed it back to me. I broke down crying because it smelled like him and yet it smelled like the hospital as well. It just reminded me of how sick he was and how much he hated being in that hospital. I am glad that they returned it but it made me so very sad. I sat on the couch holding it close to me wishing that I was holding him instead.

I went on the local personal ads. Not because I want to date or because I will be ready to do so anytime soon but more because I am morbid and like torturing myself with what is out there if/when the time comes. Let me just say that it scared the shit out of me and the only halfway normal person on there was someone I already know who is a friend of the family and wouldn't even be an option. Let me tell you, if I ever get to the point of wanting to date, if those are the only options I will just stay single. I was so lucky to find John, he was/is the perfect person for me. There isn't anyone out there who could be as perfect for me as him. I know that I am lucky to have found him at all but I don't feel lucky right now, I just feel pissed off that I didn't have him long enough.

Last night John's sister brought over heart shaped pizza and had dinner with us. It was very sweet and they brought the kids and I valentines and candy. We had a nice dinner and talked about going to a movie this weekend. I have been wanting to go see P.S. I Love You which I read quite some time ago and John and I had actually talked about going to see it when he was feeling better (before he got really sick and we thought he just had bronchitis). Anyway, I know that it will be sad but I am hoping it will theruputic and help me get some of these emotions out.

I also received a beautiful card from John's oldest sister Juli. She is one of the few people who sent me a card addressing losing a husband specifialy instead of just a "loved one". It was a very beautiful comforting card and she also sent copies of the book plates that were put in the books that her co-worker donated to the college where she works in John's name. It was very sweet and touching and she also sent a very generous check for the kids and I. I was touched by all of it because we never really got to know her because she lives so far away. I hope that John knows of her generosity because I think he would be touched by it as I was by her generosity and even more than that by her kind words.

Well I had better get going, Shelby (6yr old granddaughter) has a dance recital tonight and I have to get everyone ready. Hopefully I don't forget the camera this time! The last time we went was her very first recital and John was there. He was so proud to see her up there and we had talked about putting Caitlyn in a class. I suppose I should look into that soon, I know that is what he really wanted. He was always such a proud daddy and grandfather and I am sure that he will be there tonight watching Shelby dance and bragging to anyone that can hear about his granddaughter.

Happy Valentine's Day...I wrote John a letter on MySpace, I seem to be doing that lately, writing him letters hoping that some how, some way he can read what I am wanting to say to him.

I realized that so far today isn't as hard as I had thought. John and I never were huge Valentine's people, we expressed our love every single day and didn't put much time into this day because we both hated crowds and would rather stay home than go out anywhere. On our first Valentines he did give me the diamond heart necklace that I wear around my neck, that was an amazing gift and still one of the only pieces of jewelry that I wear daily other than my wedding rings. I suppose that he would have given me a card today that said that the only thing he had to give me today was him. That would of course have been more than enough and I would do anything in the world to get that card. Looking back I am so glad that I was never petty over gifts and things the way some people are. That was never important to either of us which is good cause we rarely had the money to spare. What was important is that we had each other and that is what I miss the most. Just having him here with me, having him hold me.

Today I received a beautiful bouquet of 11 red roses and one white rose with a card that read:

"Happy Valentines Day!
Through his children his soul lives on. So he
sends this valentine from heaven.
I love you!"

I of course burst into tears but it was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. I thought it was his oldest sister who sent them but when I called her I found out that she had contributed but that it was Marshal and Lori's idea. That is so extremely thoughtful and I will cherish them very much. I am lucky to have John's kids in my life and although I am sure that there will be (and are) times where we drive each other crazy I hope with all my heart that we can work through those times to always be there for each other.

I also received a Valentine from Brittany who gave me a cute coffee mug with a stuffed animal in it along with a beautiful letter. The letter pretty much said that she is here for me and that we need to be there for each other instead of trying to always be so strong. Here is some of what she wrote: "This is a time for all of us to come together, but especially our family living right here in this house. I know everything is really scary right now, but we will get through it together and come out stronger. Valentines Day is a day to really appreciate the ones you love and after everything that has happened that really sticks in my mind. Happy Valentines Day mom and thank you for everything." I am definitely the one who needs to thank her, she is an amazing young lady and I am so thankful to have her here. I only have one year left before she is off to college and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own grief that I lose out on what time we have left together.

So I have had quite a few insights this Valentines Day and wherever John is I hope he knows how much I love him. There aren't words for the love I have in my heart and it doesn't matter because John has always known what is in my heart and since we never needed a silly holiday to express ourselves or our love there is no reason to start now. So one holiday to cross off my list and guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be thanks to my wonderful family.

Well, another crappy day, but I suppose that is to be expected. I spent last night shopping for groceries because a storm was supposed to hit tonight but although we had snow there was no storm. I did almost freak out on a guy though because as I walked through the aisle at Wal-Mart this fat asshole was yelling at his wife because she stopped to look at something on an endcap. He told her that she couldn't take up the entire aisle just because she wanted to stop and he just kept berating her. She turned the corner and had tears in her eyes and a look that said her spirit was pretty much gone. They were older but I was so pissed off. Why is it that God doesn't take assholes like that but instead took my wonderful, loving husband who wouldn't talk to a dog that way much less his wife? I was so tempted to tell him off but refrained myself. I seriously feel as if I am a ticking bomb and I don't think it would take much to set me off. I was actually looking for my ex because I would love to have the excuse to beat the crap out of someone.

Wal-Mart was definitely a mistake, the Valentine aisle sucked. John wasn't one for Valentine gifts, mostly because we didn't have the extra money for that sort of thing and Valentine's falls in the middle of major bdays around here but he always bought me a beautiful card and would write me such sweet messages inside. There was never a time that he gave me a card and only signed his name, he always took the time to write. Most of the time for Valentine's Day I would buy him chocolate and then the kids and I would eat them all. Maybe I should buy him a box for us to eat this year. But probably I won't because that would just be too depressing.

I need to buy some lamenating paper because there are some letters/notes that I want to make sure don't fall apart because I have been reading them so much. I came across a sheet of notebook paper behind a shopping list that we had made and there were two lines on it. He had wrote: "My Sweet Lisa, I Love You" I look at it every day and I want to make sure it doesn't disappear. I remember when my grandfather died, my grandmother had a wipe off board on the fridge, right before he died he had written on the board, "Joe loves Adeline". She never wanted it to come off but eventually it faded. I wonder if she took a picture of it? That's what I would have done.

John's nephew Dustin and his girlfriend Ashley had their baby today. It is a little boy who is healthy although he is a bit early. He weighs 4-lbs, 8-oz and is in the NICU because his lungs need a bit of help but it sounds as if he is doing well and will be able to go home in a week. I would like to go see him but he was born in the hospital where they declared John dead. I can't imagine going in that building for a very long time. I feel bad but hopefully they will understand. They haven't decided on a name yet but it sounds as if his middle name might be John. It makes me happy but sad at the same time.

I talked to Marshal's girlfriend Lori this evening. It was nice to talk to her although odd because as if have mentioned before we have never really been close. I have this problem where I always say what I think and that tends to get me into trouble. But it was nice to have someone to talk to and she said they would bring Brody over this weekend. I hope they do, I want to make sure that I am always a part of John's grandson's life.

I guess I pissed off ViAnnah but what else is new? It doesn't take much for her to get pissed off and she'll get over it. I'll just chalk it up to hormones and hope for the best. I think I am going to call Brandyn and tell him not to stop by and look at the computer because it sounds as if she has been upset about him calling me. He really hasn't even called that much but if she is going to make a big deal about it I would rather he didn't call.

Honestly, I have too much going on to worry about her temper tantrums. If her dad were here he would say the same thing. I can hear him in my mind telling me that she is acting just like her mother and to not let it get to me. I want to be there for her but like I told Lori, I am not going to beg any of them to be a part of my life. I just don't have the energy for it. I fought for this family when John was alive because I loved him so much and I would do anything to make him happy. But now he is gone and if the kids choose to be a part of our life then I would be very happy and would love to have them around but if they choose not to be then I guess that will have to be fine as well.

Brittany and I went over her classes for next year. I can't believe she is going to be a senior. I can't believe my baby is now 17. Where does the time go? There is so much going on and I just wish I could stop time for awhile so that I can have a moment to just process everything that is happening but in my crazy life that just isn't possible. So I go from moment to moment with this weight on my heart and from time to time I will cry but for the most part it is just sitting there waiting to be let out. That would probably explain why I am ready to explode.