Twenty Years

Twenty years ago I walked down the aisle to marry my first husband. A scared 18 year old girl in a long white dress, younger than my oldest daughter is today. So many things went wrong that day. Family members who had promised to help make food changed their mind and left us scrambling to feed our guests (we had to serve platters of Subway sandwiches!), our reception hall was locked with no key to be found so my step-dad and soon-to-be husband broke a window so that we could get in (my step-dad said he would of course pay for it) and I remember crying because I thought for sure that they would both be going to jail! My dad didn't end up making it to walk me down the aisle but he didn't take the time to even let me know he wouldn't be coming. During the wedding my mother-in-law cried like she was at a funeral and I was quite hurt that afterwards she clung to her son like he was dying and didn't bother to say a word to me much less give me a hug. For our first dance my new sister-in-law decided that the song we had picked wasn't good enough so she instructed the dj to play a different song. We were both too young to sip champagne and our wedding pictures include our oldest daughter Brittany who was 6months old.

I look back at our wedding pictures, we were just kids. What in the world were we thinking? If you would have asked me then, I would have said that we would be together forever. I never would have imagined that on our 20th anniversary I would be here and he would be there and we would be exchanging texts... acknowledging the day with a sense of bitter-sweetness. Feelings of sadness for our younger selves who went into our marriage with the best of intentions but the reality being that we both had so much growing up to do. No wonder his mom couldn't stop crying, her baby was literally just a baby and there he was... a boy making the commitment of a man.

I wish we could say we gave it our best shot. We gave up to soon, didn't even make it to the 5yr mark, or rather I guess I should say that I gave up too soon. There will always be a sense of regret. The sweet love I had for him as a young girl is still in my heart, I feel it every time I look at our daughters who are so much a part of him, Brittany has his dimples, Danielle his crazy sense of humor. I feel it when I come across old pictures or something triggers a memory. And I guess that is what brings the tears today, there were so many fun, good memories. Date shakes, trips to the beach, kisses in the rain, Laguna at midnight, crazy roller coaster rides and trips to Disneyland, driving around California because all we could afford was the gas for a car ride, dreaming of what our lives would bring when we finally had the money to follow our dreams. Our little apartment in Colorado, blizzards with unexpected company, trips to the mountains, cozy Christmases with homemade gifts, horrible cooking on my part and never a complaint on his part, playing games, watching movies, listening to all of his crazy music, concerts, picnics, the birth of our daughters, his beautiful smile, waking up to find him sitting there watching me sleep, falling asleep in his arms. So many wonderful memories and then I woke up one day and that's all they were, distant memories.

Suddenly I found myself at 23yrs old feeling suffocated, I had fears of waking up one day and finding myself an old woman with no idea who I really was or what I wanted. I pushed him away and when I finally was able to breathe and know who I was and what I wanted - I realized that he was so much a part of me and I knew that our little family together was what I wanted, but it was too late. He was too hurt, confused, angry, and there was no convincing him to try again.

And now... twenty years later I wake up to a "Good Morning" text. From the person who will always have a part of my heart, who shares children with me, a history and someday grandchildren but no longer shares my life as my husband. A world away, both of us have/had other marriages, other children and yet I know that we will always have a connection. Not just because of our girls but because we started out as friends and thankfully through all of the tears, hurt and pain, the friendship has endured. And it is with that thought that I wipe away my tears. It is time to celebrate what was but I can no longer feel sad for the "could have beens." Every thing happens for a reason and those reasons are Anthony, Caitlyn and Cassandra who wouldn't be the joys in our lives otherwise.

So "Happy Anniversary" to my friend, a twenty year friendship is something to celebrate. I will always cherish the memories and I look forward to another twenty years of friendship with you.