Another loss

So this week started out as just a normal week. Getting the kids here and there, working, trying my best to make some order out of the chaos that is my home, a typical week in my life. Tuesday was a nice day. Caitlyn had dance and the weather was nice enough for her to wear her shorts without needing to wear sweats over the top. We even left the house early enough for her to pick out her Halloween costume. Late I know, but with the way my child changes her mind it is best to wait until the last minute to avoid the purchase of unnecessary costumes! She is going to be the Queen of Hearts by the way!

So we went to dance class, picked up dinner, came home and I was looking forward to a night to relax and "fingers crossed" go to bed early. Danielle was home from drama practice and she was a bit worried because one of her friends from drama had what she thought was a seizure in the bathroom. We talked about it a bit and then she asked if I wanted to watch tv with her. So we went in my room, found something to watch on Hulu and I drifted off to the sound of an old season of Hell's Kitchen that we had missed. Danielle woke me up before she headed to bed, I got ready for bed and fell asleep reading a book.

I woke up to the sound of Danielle crying so loudly that I could hear her coming up the stairs. The news was that Danielle's friend from drama had passed away from a brain aneurysm. My body immediately went numb. It couldn't possibly be real. How could a perfectly, healthy 17yr old girl go to school and never make it home?

I found myself once again in the place of having to guide my child through the death of someone they cared about. We sat on the couch, me holding Danielle in my arms, rocking her back and forth, wishing that I could take away her pain. We have went through a week of numbness, Danielle going to school and feeling the pain of all of her classmates, and in many ways even more so because she knows first hand how much harder the pain is when the shock and numbness finally wears off. And the rest of us, while not knowing this girl personally, all mourned the loss of the sweet girl with the beautiful smile and even more beautiful singing voice.

Tonight we attended a memorial service for her friend. As part of the drama group, Danielle put together a slide show for the service, she was also part of a group who sang a song from last year's musical. The high school Madrigal singers, who also sang at John's funeral, sang two beautiful songs. Hearing them sing brought back some sadness from that time but at the same time it was a reminder that life goes on. The kids who sang for John's funeral have long since graduated and have moved on towards their future. Many of the kids singing tonight will be graduating alongside Danielle and in the blink of an eye they will also be moving towards their future. That is the process of life, you are born, you live and you die.

Some of us are blessed with a longer process than others, and some are taken from us far too soon. What is important is what you do with your life between the time you are born and the time that you die. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of often going through the motions without being 100% present. That is something that I have been struggling to change but haven't been very successful at doing.

Listening tonight to all of the amazing stories of this young girl who was always smiling, always reaching out a hand to others, ready with kindness and an encouraging word to all that needed it put me completely to shame. As I felt the tears well up in my eyes, for the pain Danielle and all of her friends and classmates are going through, the pain of this girl's parents, siblings and close family circle, the loss that we as a community will forever have without the presence of this vibrant soul.... I also felt sadness for all of the wasted moments I have taken away from my own kids because I can't put what happened with John behind me.

I know that I have been there for them when they needed me, I have hidden my pain during holidays and events so that they can enjoy those special days, I have swallowed my tears when sharing stories of their dad with them so that they can carry those memories, but what about all of those moments, the small, every day ones that we take for granted that I have probably missed because I have been distracted by the voice in my mind that continues to remind me of my personal loss of John? Those moments are just as important, just as precious as the other ones that we plan for. Because chances are, it is going to be one of those little moments that will most likely be the last one you share with your loved ones. It isn't fair that a parent can send their child to school in one moment and in the next they are forever gone without any warning at all. I won't even guess to imagine what this family is going through, I just hope that they felt the prayers, love and support that we have all been sending them.

As unspeakable as this loss is, I hope this girl's parents will find some comfort in the fact that their daughter lived each and every moment with excitement, joy and a passion for living. Not only for herself, but for the entire circle of people around her. I feel very blessed to have known her sweet smile personally and I am taking the time tonight to write down my thoughts because I don't want to ever forget how short life is. How quickly our worlds can spin upside down on what you thought was just an uneventful day in October. I still have a lot of work to do, but it is time for me to stop talking about getting better but actually putting in the action that is required to not just move forward, but to run forward full steam ahead.

I won't always get it right, I have a lot of healing to do.......but in the words of this young girl... "Never give up!" I refuse to live another numb day. That might mean that the tears have to come out, it might mean that I will have to ask others for help along the way, it might mean that I will have to face some truths that I have buried deep inside. I can deal with it, my kids are worth this process and so am I.