Today was a long, draining day. I went to see P.S. I Love You with Rocky, Ver, and Kristy this afternoon. I read the book a few years ago so I knew what it was about, in fact John and I had talked about going to see it when it first came out. Well, I just have to say that I am so glad I went. I sometimes have a hard time dealing with wanting to cry, I am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Well, in this case the tears were mingled with laughter and it was a very theraputic experience. There were parts that had me sobbing and there were parts that freaked me out because they were similar. John was of course Irish (although he didn't have that sexy accent) and he was silly and would sing way off key. He loved to dance and always knew how to make me laugh. The scene in the karoke bar had me crying because the last time we went out as a couple was to a karoke bar. We both always talked about going to Ireland together, in fact when we first started dating that was one of the first things we found we had in common, we both have always wanted to go to Ireland. Some of the scenes with the mother were similar and well there were a few more things. Mostly it was just the words, her feeling of having him hold her in bed, her feeling him close, turning to wake him up and finding him not there, I am sure that anyone who has lost a spouse would completely relate to this movie. At the end I sobbed because many of the things that were in the last letter were things that John said to me before he died. His sister told me that the letters would have been something John would have done if he would have had more time. I agree and although it would be nice to get a letter from him it would also be extremely hard, I fall apart as it is when I come across an old grocery list in his hand writing.

After the movie we went out to eat and we talked for quite some time. It was nice to be able to talk to his sisters and get insight into the years before I was part of his life. I can't even put into words what we shared because we talked for quite some time, I am just thankful that we were there together and I am sure that we will be doing that again soon.

I had a call from ViAnnah as we were leaving the restaurant and she was upset with Brandyn and asked us to take her to the emergency room. I talked to her a bit ago and she sounds fine and they didn't find anything wrong so I am sure that it is just stress. Hopefully she doesn't let her hormones get the best of her and I hope that all is well with her and the baby for the next 8 months or so. I did have a breakdown when we took her to the emergency room. She lives right across the street from the hospital where John found out he had cancer and also where they took him before they pronounced him dead. I was in a hurry to get her to the doctor because I promised Britt I would be at her play tonight. So it wasn't until we walked into the emergency room that it hit me where we were. I walked her inside, she got registered and when we walked into the waiting room I freaked out. I had to run outside and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. When John left the hospital we had to leave out of the emergency exit because the main doors were locked and a few days later after he collapsed at home the ambulance took him back to that same hospital. John's sisters found me outside crying and we talked about how hard it was to be there. Rocky showed me where the ambulance came through and she told me that she seen me stand there and kiss him as they wheeled him out of the ambulance. I didn't know anyone had seen that, that was the last time that I was able to kiss his warm face even though in my heart I knew that he was gone. I finally pulled myself together and we went back inside only to go back to a room with ViAnnah which was right next to the room where we saw John after he was declared dead. It was very hard but at the same time the tears felt healing and I suppose it is all part of the process. Maybe it was better to get it out of the way instead of waiting until years later and falling apart out of the blue.

Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. But of course I couldn't do that because I still had to go to Brittany's play. So I got home, took a quick shower and made it just in time. Thankfully my friend Kristy was there early to get us tickets. The show was amazing and I am glad that I was able to see the last performance. Now I get to wait up all night for Britt to get home because they have strike (tearing down of the set) right afterwards and she won't be home until around 3 or 4am. We also have church in the morning so I suppose I should try to get some rest although I really don't think I will be able to fall asleep until Britt is home.

So today was a very strange day. I don't think I slept well and woke up feeling sad and very cold. For a split second I thought about waking John up to have him go check the heater but it didn't take long to remember that he wasn't there.

Anyway, my day was dragging and I was feeling out of sorts. When nap time came for the kiddies I laid down on my bed for a few minutes. I was just going to read a bit but I drifted off to sleep. I felt as if I was in the middle of being awake and asleep when suddenly I felt as if someone where in the house. I felt as if I couldn't move and I was starting to panic until I remembered that I had locked the door before I laid down. Suddenly I felt as if someone were in the room with me and I felt a warm presence next to me. I felt a soft warm light enter my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and I didn't freak out because I knew it was John's spirit entering me. It was the weirdest yet most comforting thing I have ever felt. I drifted off to sleep feeling him as part of me and when I woke up I didn't freak over a weird dream I just felt a comforting thought that he had been here with me. I could feel that he was no longer here but I can still feel the completeness of having his spirit with me. It is a comfort and yet I feel as if I were to tell this to someone they would think I was losing my mind. I guess it's a good thing that no one is reading this.

Right before it was time to wake the kiddies from their nap the doorbell rang. It was a package from the hospital where John was admited with pneumonia. He had forgotten his pillow and I had thought that Brandyn was picking it up but I kinda forgot about it. They had mailed it back to me. I broke down crying because it smelled like him and yet it smelled like the hospital as well. It just reminded me of how sick he was and how much he hated being in that hospital. I am glad that they returned it but it made me so very sad. I sat on the couch holding it close to me wishing that I was holding him instead.

I went on the local personal ads. Not because I want to date or because I will be ready to do so anytime soon but more because I am morbid and like torturing myself with what is out there if/when the time comes. Let me just say that it scared the shit out of me and the only halfway normal person on there was someone I already know who is a friend of the family and wouldn't even be an option. Let me tell you, if I ever get to the point of wanting to date, if those are the only options I will just stay single. I was so lucky to find John, he was/is the perfect person for me. There isn't anyone out there who could be as perfect for me as him. I know that I am lucky to have found him at all but I don't feel lucky right now, I just feel pissed off that I didn't have him long enough.

Last night John's sister brought over heart shaped pizza and had dinner with us. It was very sweet and they brought the kids and I valentines and candy. We had a nice dinner and talked about going to a movie this weekend. I have been wanting to go see P.S. I Love You which I read quite some time ago and John and I had actually talked about going to see it when he was feeling better (before he got really sick and we thought he just had bronchitis). Anyway, I know that it will be sad but I am hoping it will theruputic and help me get some of these emotions out.

I also received a beautiful card from John's oldest sister Juli. She is one of the few people who sent me a card addressing losing a husband specifialy instead of just a "loved one". It was a very beautiful comforting card and she also sent copies of the book plates that were put in the books that her co-worker donated to the college where she works in John's name. It was very sweet and touching and she also sent a very generous check for the kids and I. I was touched by all of it because we never really got to know her because she lives so far away. I hope that John knows of her generosity because I think he would be touched by it as I was by her generosity and even more than that by her kind words.

Well I had better get going, Shelby (6yr old granddaughter) has a dance recital tonight and I have to get everyone ready. Hopefully I don't forget the camera this time! The last time we went was her very first recital and John was there. He was so proud to see her up there and we had talked about putting Caitlyn in a class. I suppose I should look into that soon, I know that is what he really wanted. He was always such a proud daddy and grandfather and I am sure that he will be there tonight watching Shelby dance and bragging to anyone that can hear about his granddaughter.

Happy Valentine's Day...I wrote John a letter on MySpace, I seem to be doing that lately, writing him letters hoping that some how, some way he can read what I am wanting to say to him.

I realized that so far today isn't as hard as I had thought. John and I never were huge Valentine's people, we expressed our love every single day and didn't put much time into this day because we both hated crowds and would rather stay home than go out anywhere. On our first Valentines he did give me the diamond heart necklace that I wear around my neck, that was an amazing gift and still one of the only pieces of jewelry that I wear daily other than my wedding rings. I suppose that he would have given me a card today that said that the only thing he had to give me today was him. That would of course have been more than enough and I would do anything in the world to get that card. Looking back I am so glad that I was never petty over gifts and things the way some people are. That was never important to either of us which is good cause we rarely had the money to spare. What was important is that we had each other and that is what I miss the most. Just having him here with me, having him hold me.

Today I received a beautiful bouquet of 11 red roses and one white rose with a card that read:

"Happy Valentines Day!
Through his children his soul lives on. So he
sends this valentine from heaven.
I love you!"

I of course burst into tears but it was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. I thought it was his oldest sister who sent them but when I called her I found out that she had contributed but that it was Marshal and Lori's idea. That is so extremely thoughtful and I will cherish them very much. I am lucky to have John's kids in my life and although I am sure that there will be (and are) times where we drive each other crazy I hope with all my heart that we can work through those times to always be there for each other.

I also received a Valentine from Brittany who gave me a cute coffee mug with a stuffed animal in it along with a beautiful letter. The letter pretty much said that she is here for me and that we need to be there for each other instead of trying to always be so strong. Here is some of what she wrote: "This is a time for all of us to come together, but especially our family living right here in this house. I know everything is really scary right now, but we will get through it together and come out stronger. Valentines Day is a day to really appreciate the ones you love and after everything that has happened that really sticks in my mind. Happy Valentines Day mom and thank you for everything." I am definitely the one who needs to thank her, she is an amazing young lady and I am so thankful to have her here. I only have one year left before she is off to college and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own grief that I lose out on what time we have left together.

So I have had quite a few insights this Valentines Day and wherever John is I hope he knows how much I love him. There aren't words for the love I have in my heart and it doesn't matter because John has always known what is in my heart and since we never needed a silly holiday to express ourselves or our love there is no reason to start now. So one holiday to cross off my list and guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be thanks to my wonderful family.

Well, another crappy day, but I suppose that is to be expected. I spent last night shopping for groceries because a storm was supposed to hit tonight but although we had snow there was no storm. I did almost freak out on a guy though because as I walked through the aisle at Wal-Mart this fat asshole was yelling at his wife because she stopped to look at something on an endcap. He told her that she couldn't take up the entire aisle just because she wanted to stop and he just kept berating her. She turned the corner and had tears in her eyes and a look that said her spirit was pretty much gone. They were older but I was so pissed off. Why is it that God doesn't take assholes like that but instead took my wonderful, loving husband who wouldn't talk to a dog that way much less his wife? I was so tempted to tell him off but refrained myself. I seriously feel as if I am a ticking bomb and I don't think it would take much to set me off. I was actually looking for my ex because I would love to have the excuse to beat the crap out of someone.

Wal-Mart was definitely a mistake, the Valentine aisle sucked. John wasn't one for Valentine gifts, mostly because we didn't have the extra money for that sort of thing and Valentine's falls in the middle of major bdays around here but he always bought me a beautiful card and would write me such sweet messages inside. There was never a time that he gave me a card and only signed his name, he always took the time to write. Most of the time for Valentine's Day I would buy him chocolate and then the kids and I would eat them all. Maybe I should buy him a box for us to eat this year. But probably I won't because that would just be too depressing.

I need to buy some lamenating paper because there are some letters/notes that I want to make sure don't fall apart because I have been reading them so much. I came across a sheet of notebook paper behind a shopping list that we had made and there were two lines on it. He had wrote: "My Sweet Lisa, I Love You" I look at it every day and I want to make sure it doesn't disappear. I remember when my grandfather died, my grandmother had a wipe off board on the fridge, right before he died he had written on the board, "Joe loves Adeline". She never wanted it to come off but eventually it faded. I wonder if she took a picture of it? That's what I would have done.

John's nephew Dustin and his girlfriend Ashley had their baby today. It is a little boy who is healthy although he is a bit early. He weighs 4-lbs, 8-oz and is in the NICU because his lungs need a bit of help but it sounds as if he is doing well and will be able to go home in a week. I would like to go see him but he was born in the hospital where they declared John dead. I can't imagine going in that building for a very long time. I feel bad but hopefully they will understand. They haven't decided on a name yet but it sounds as if his middle name might be John. It makes me happy but sad at the same time.

I talked to Marshal's girlfriend Lori this evening. It was nice to talk to her although odd because as if have mentioned before we have never really been close. I have this problem where I always say what I think and that tends to get me into trouble. But it was nice to have someone to talk to and she said they would bring Brody over this weekend. I hope they do, I want to make sure that I am always a part of John's grandson's life.

I guess I pissed off ViAnnah but what else is new? It doesn't take much for her to get pissed off and she'll get over it. I'll just chalk it up to hormones and hope for the best. I think I am going to call Brandyn and tell him not to stop by and look at the computer because it sounds as if she has been upset about him calling me. He really hasn't even called that much but if she is going to make a big deal about it I would rather he didn't call.

Honestly, I have too much going on to worry about her temper tantrums. If her dad were here he would say the same thing. I can hear him in my mind telling me that she is acting just like her mother and to not let it get to me. I want to be there for her but like I told Lori, I am not going to beg any of them to be a part of my life. I just don't have the energy for it. I fought for this family when John was alive because I loved him so much and I would do anything to make him happy. But now he is gone and if the kids choose to be a part of our life then I would be very happy and would love to have them around but if they choose not to be then I guess that will have to be fine as well.

Brittany and I went over her classes for next year. I can't believe she is going to be a senior. I can't believe my baby is now 17. Where does the time go? There is so much going on and I just wish I could stop time for awhile so that I can have a moment to just process everything that is happening but in my crazy life that just isn't possible. So I go from moment to moment with this weight on my heart and from time to time I will cry but for the most part it is just sitting there waiting to be let out. That would probably explain why I am ready to explode.

Last night I had a call from Marshal my oldest stepson. We had a very long talk and he made me feel better about some of the things that were bothering me. I tried to explain that my biggest fear was no longer having that link to John through them. We talked about the kids and it was nice to have someone to talk to. I don't want any of the kids to feel as if they have to step in John's shoes, that of course isn't possible and part of my healing is going to be going through this alone. I just want to know that they are there, not that I plan on calling them, but it is nice to hear them say that they are there. Marshal wants me to call his girlfriend and I suppose for him I should try but we have never been close and although we are the same age (she is actually a bit older than me) we just don't have much in common. On top of that I have never been good at being a friend, not with women anyway which is why John and I clicked so well. We were friends first and after falling in love he remained above everything else my best friend. After talking to Marshal for quite some time I had a call from Brandyn, ViAnnah's boyfriend. We talked for awhile and it was nice to have somenoe to vent to but mostly it was nice to be there while he vented. I am so thankful for Brandyn because he was such a support to John while he was in the hospital that week and he has been a huge support for me and the kids. Later in the evening my dad called and we talked for a long time, mostly vented about family members who drive us crazy. My dad and I haven't always communicated well so it was nice to have that connection. Obviously, there are people out there who worry about me and want to be there for me. I am thankful for that but I still feel so lonely, so sad. I don't see an end in sight to the pain, and that is ok, I don't think that when you love someone as much as I loved John, that it should be easy and quick to recover, I just want to feel as if I am functioning.

I woke up last night at 3am to Anthony crying outside my door. He had a dream that his dad was alive and when he woke up it hit him again that he is never coming home. We sat in the livingroom and he couldn't stop crying. It is hard to struggle over the right words to give him comfort while at the same time allowing him to grieve which is what he needs. I finally went back to bed around 6am and probably shouldn't have done that because my day was off to a late start. I am feeling out of sorts today and I had an appointment which I cancelled because I just don't feel like I can handle it. I think I have conferences tonight but no one has gotten back to me as to the time because my last scheduled time was right after John passed away.

Why am I so upset when life keeps intruding on my grief? Why does it feel as if the world should stop because the most important part of my world is gone? My house is a mess, I have thank you cards to write, laundry piling up, flowers to dispose of, a driveway to shovel, paperwork to complete, phone calls to return, so many tasks that aren't a huge deal but I just want it to all go away. I want to just have complete silence as I cry and cry and cry. But of course that is a luxury that isn't going to happen and maybe looking back I will be thankful for all of the distractions but right now it just pisses me off. It just seems so wrong that life goes on, every time I laugh I feel guilty, every time I cry I feel guilty mainly because I don't want the kids to see me cry, every time I feel like screaming at the world I feel guilty. I am obviously losing my mind, I don't think I will ever feel normal again.

Well, it's Monday, I woke up remembering how every other Monday went with John hitting snooze on the alarm clock and me pulling him back in bed with me to cuddle up and stay warm against the cold air waiting outside of our bed. I would hold him close and he would hold my hand as it wrapped around his chest. His finger would straighten out my wedding ring and then he would tuck my hand into his. We would doze off to sleep until he would wake with a start and tell me not to do that again because he was going to be late. I would laugh at him and we would start our day with a rush. Him making coffee, me in the bathroom, a quick kiss goodbye. Nothing life altering, just a normal Monday that will never be the same again.

Instead I wake up to an empty bed, no one to cuddle with, no one to share coffee or a kiss with. Just me, getting the kids out the door, me left behind in a quiet house with no direction as to what to do next. How does my life go on when the person who kept me sane is no longer here. I still feel as if I can't breathe and all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Someone recommended that I call a local agency that is supposed to be there to help families with counseling but they were pretty much useless, I explained the situation but I can't afford their help and the lady kept saying that they didn't have services to help a 3-yr old with grief so she didn't know if there was a point in bringing her in. What the fuck? Then she said she might be able to make us a hardship case and at that point I just said thanks, but no thanks and hung up.

I feel myself getting more and more angry. I feel so alone even though there are people offering help and then I get a stupid call from K.H., wanting me to feel sorry for her because her daughter needs medical attention (among other things in my opinion) and has dumped her kids off on her. Let's see...my husband is dead....she needs to be a grandmother and help her daughter in need. Sorry...I have no sympathy. I am just thankful they are going to pay me the money they owe me and then I will never have to deal with them again.

I think about John every second of every day. I know that he would be disappointed in my falling apart. He would want me to handle this in stride and just be there for the kids but at this point I feel lucky to take a shower and get through the day. I knew that things would start to hit me after the funeral and I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to be doing. I can't breathe.

I miss him so much and I am so angry at everyone. Not at him, never at him, I know that he was in so much pain and I would never want him to suffer but I am angry at all of the tears that I see others shedding over his death. When he was alive these people had nothing to do with him, they made him feel inferior and brushed him off like he was a nobody. There were people that he would have been glad to have out of his life if it weren't for me nagging him to keep the connection open. I know that myself and these four kids were the most important people in his life. We were the ones there for him every single day, we were the ones who loved him not because of what he gave us or could do for us, but because of who he was. I am trying to be gracious but there is an angry, nagging voice wanting me to tell them to all fuck off. They didn't have the time of day for him when he was alive, why act like they loved him so much now that he is dead?

It is probably apparant that I am going through the "anger" stage of grief. I am so sick of hearing about the stages...I don't give a shit that it is normal, or that it will get better. At this moment in time I am just so fucking mad that I want to beat the holy hell out of someone. Everyone keeps asking what I need. I have mentioned numerous times that I need a punching bag in the garage to work out some of this anger. Do I have one yet? No...everyone is all talk until you actually ask for something and then they all fucking disappear just like they did when he was alive. I know that I promised him that I would keep his family together, and I will continue to try. I have tried to include them but they have all done their own thing so right now, in this state of mind, I just feel as if I am wasting my energy on it. If they choose to be a part of our life then fine but I won't beg. **Edited out because what I wrote wasn't necessary...I am obviously pissed and even though I have the right to be pissed I don't have the right to hurt anyone. That would be the last thing John would want me to do. The hard part is that my anger sometimes gets the best of me and I bitch and complain and with John as my sounding board I could get it out and know that it wouldn't go any further. I never want to hurt anyone especially not the people who are my only link to John. So if you read this prior please excuse my venting...my anger doesn't give me the right to be mean.

Yesterday was Brittany's birthday. It's hard to believe that she is 17! We didn't do much because it was her play and to be honest I'm just not in the mood to celebrate much of anything. I am going to make her dinner tonight and I cheated and bought a cake instead of making one but considering the circumstances I guess that's not too bad.

We went to church today. I can't begin to explain how hard that was. We sat in the same row where we always sat with John, it was so hard to sing the songs he loved and to take communion without him by my side. Caitlyn drove me crazy because he usually held her doing church and today she wanted to sit on me the entire time which would have been ok except for I was feeling extremely nauseated. John's kids had said that they would go with us today and I don't know why I was surprised and hurt that they didn't show up. It was hard to get them to do stuff when their dad was alive, I shouldn't expect it to be different now. His sisters were there and so that was really nice, at least we weren't there alone although to be honest with you I felt completely alone. I didn't break down so I guess that is something, not even with everyone coming over to hug me and offer sympathies. I felt so lost, almost as if I were waiting for him to show up. Caitlyn was wondering why he wasn't there because the last she saw him he was at church in the casket for the funeral. I had to explain again that he is in the ground.

I find myself struggling when I pray, it is almost as if I am not praying to God but instead I am praying to John to help me which I know isn't right but right now that is the only link I have to my husband and I want so much to know that he is still here even if just in spirit. This is only the 2nd time that I have went to church without him, the only other time was a while ago when he was sick. It was strange to not have him hold my hand while we were singing or have him pull up the car to the door to pick us up because it is bitterly cold today.

I broke down last night, I'm not sure what set it off, but I was in bed and started crying and couldn't stop. I miss him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Today I went to rent movies and I explained that our account was in John's name and I don't want to get any mailings from them for him so I asked if we could take his name off of the account. It was easier to open my own account so I guess that is just one step of many that will erase him from my life. That is how it felt, as if by removing his name from the video account, it was another separation of us as a couple into me by myself. This really sucks and I can't see an end in sight to my pain.

I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers and support. I don't know what we would do without our family right now, especially our church family which has been a huge support. Speaking of which, Jenny is coming over later to help us open up the funeral cards. I am glad that I don't have to do it alone because I have a feeling that none of John's kids will show up even thought I have reminded them. I hope that this isn't the start to us drifting apart, I promised John that I wouldn't let that happen, at the same time I won't beg them to be part of our life. It is their choice, they know I am here and although I could use their help/support I can't force them to be a part of my life. I have to worry most of all about the four kids that I have at home, they have to be the most important thing right now and I know John would agree. I think back to conversations we had when he was feeling let down by his older kids and I know that he thought of these four as his kids just as much (if not sometimes more) as the others. The older kids have to make their own choices but my four still need my guidance so I will do my best to be strong for them and I can't drain my energy worrying about those who don't want to be a part of this. I know that they have to deal with it in their own way, I just hope that they understand that I have to do the same. I hope and pray that they are a part of it, but if they are not then I will just have to do this without them.

Do I sound angry? I feel angry, so I guess that wouldn't be a surprise. I guess I still have anger/hurt over the times when the older kids hurt John. Like not spending time with him, or saying they would come over but never showing up. He always said he didn't care but I knew his heart and he did care. Thankfully we had each other and there were times when we were thankful for the peace and quiet, just our little family. I don't want to isolate anyone but at the same time I can only let in those that want to be there for us and if there is someone that makes me feel drained then I will have to distance myself from them. The kids and I need as much support as we can get but I will not beg for it from anyone. All I ask is that they make it to his birthday celebration, after that it is up to them.