I had my last counseling session of the year today. It was extremely draining and I am completely exhausted. I realize just how much pain I still have to deal with since losing John. All I want to do right now is go to bed and take a nap which I can't do, I also feel a sense of relief that I can face the pain, feel the pieces shatter and still be able to pick myself up and keep going. Although it is very hard it also tells me that I am going to be ok.

Have you ever read a book and found yourself so vested in the characters that you can't help yourself from taking a peek at the end to make sure that they have a happy ending before you put any more of your feelings on the line for them? Well that is how I am feeling right now. I wish that I could take a peek into the future just to check that it all turns out all right, if I could only know that it would be so much easier to face the pain that it is going to take to deal with grieving for John.

But of course there is no way to do that and I suppose that is ok, my happy ending can still be waiting for me, after all I have already had a happy ending with John, I just hope that the sequel to my life isn't as disappointing as most that I have watched in theaters!

Well, we made it through Christmas. It wasn't easy but it helped to focus on the kids and do my best to make this a great Christmas for them. I think they all pretty much got what they wanted, Caitlyn got her dollhouse, Anthony got Rock Band, the girls both got new stereo ipod docks which they love although the might have preferred cell phones but maybe for their birthdays. Overall, it was a great Christmas...with of course the one huge fact that we all missed John like crazy, but I know he was here smiling down on us, in our hearts and minds as he is every day.

It was really nice to just have my little family here for the day although we did enjoy Christmas Eve with John's sisters and really enjoyed having Ver and Penny stop by on Christmas to visit with the kids and play a few games. It was very nice and relaxing and the one thing I really wish is that John and I would have had a smaller Christmas last year with just us and our little family so that we could have had just a bit more time together without all of the craziness of guests. But of course everything happens for a reason and I am thankful that for New Years Eve it was just us although as that day gets closer I find myself getting sadder because I realize we are getting close to the one year anniversary since he has been gone and I just don't feel ready to deal with that yet.

It has been nice having the kids home from school but I am looking forward for New Years Eve to be here and gone. A new year, a fresh start... so much has been changing and as hard as 2008 was I am hoping that 2009 will be a much better year. I have so many things that I am working on right now that it has me excited for a new year. The main one being the work I am doing on myself as I am still seeing a councilor to work through the loss of John and from pain that I still carry from my past. It has been hard so far and I am sure it will only get harder but it also feels good to feel so much of the crap being let go. I am looking forward to getting back on track with eating healthy and working out. I also look forward to this time of year to get a bit more organized and get rid of clutter that we no longer need.

So time to start making those resolutions, time to start letting go of the past and start looking toward the future. I have no idea what the next year will bring but I do know from looking not just back on 2008 but on all of the years prior to that, I am a very strong person and there isn't anything that I can't do.