Went to Brittany's play tonight, they are doing "Anything Goes" which I haven't seen before. Last night was opening night and I went to that and since tonight was her birthday I wanted to go again. It was hard being there without John but luckily ViAnnah and Brandyn went with last night and they also went again tonight with the kids and John's sisters. It was hard to talk about how I was doing because I am feeling like I am in this weird emotional void but I had a nice talk with Krystal and hopefully with time this (and other events just like it) will get a bit easier.

Brandyn and ViAnnah left early because she wasn't feeling well. I was giving her a hard time and now I feel bad because I am worried. Hopefully all goes well because I don't think I (or any of the rest of us) can handle any more stress right now.

Tomorrow we are going to church for the first time without John. It is going to be hard but I know that if I don't go right away it will only get harder. It is going to be so hard to sit there without him by my side, holding my hand and helping take care of Caitlyn. He won't be next to me singing off key and I won't have his little whispers to make me laugh. When I see the older couple take communion hand in hand I will no longer look and smile and think...someday that will be John and I. I know that I am going to cry, it is a given, but I hope that I preserve some of my dignity and don't make a complete idiot out of myself.

Tonight it is snowy, windy and bitterly cold. Driving home from the play I thought about all of the things that John did that I took for granted, such as warming up the car before we got in and carrying Caitlyn into the house when she has fallen asleep. Tomorrow for church will be more of the same, he always had the car warmed up before we went anywhere and we would get dropped off at the door so that we didn't have to freeze. I have always appreciated that he did those things but you don't realize how much they mean to you until they are no longer there.

I can't help but wonder, where is he now? Does he see how much I miss him? Does he miss me just as much? I hate the fact that it makes me sad to think that he is happy where he is, I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want to think that he is so happy that he has forgotten me. It is so hard to feel as if I can go on when there are so many questions that I may never have an answer to. If your loved one is still in this world with you, cherish them, love them and make the most of every moment because time goes by way too fast and before you know it they are gone.

Here is another thing that bothers me. I am so mad right now, I am angry at God, angry at John, angry at the kids and myself. I want to just hit something or someone and get out my frustrations but of course I can't do that so I just sit here writing, rambling, wishing with all of my heart that I could be with him for just a little longer. But instead I sit here freezing, my hands cold, my heart cold, waiting for time to tick by. Hoping that this will get better but knowing that although the pain may get easier it will never completely go away.

I have spent too much time here reading over old posts. Looking for any mention of John, trying to relive the past eight years through the memories I have left here online. He was so much a part of my life, how in the world can you live a lifetime together in only eight years. He was so sweet and kind and patient and as I read over old posts I am saddened by how much I took for granted. The sweet little things that he did on a daily basis, the private intimate moments that I will always cherish, he was so much a part of my life I can't imagine how I will ever stop hurting. I am afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop and my heart hurts so bad I feel as if I can't breathe. I feel very lucky to have had these past eight years, I am so very thankful to have Caitlyn - his little princess - a child made from our love for eachother, I am thankful for the past two years when his older children came into our life, I am thankful for every moment we have shared and yet it isn't even close to being enough. I don't know if writing here will be helpful, I hope that sharing my feelings here will keep me from losing my mind which I am in fear of losing as I try to cope with the loss of my best friend, the love of my life.

John's kids have been there for me but it is so hard to see his sons and not see him in them. The way they stand, laugh, talk, smile, he is so much a part of them and it hurts to know that I will never see him again, hold him, kiss him, make love to him. How in the world do you go forward when the person who kept you going is no longer here.

The day of John's funeral was a few days ago, it was hard and I feel emotionally drained. ViAnnah (John's daughter) and Brandyn (her boyfriend) came to spend the night with me and the kids. We planned to watch sad, depressing movies because I just want to cry and let all of these tears out that don't seem to be able to fall. Anyway, Vi took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She is in shock but happy...Brandyn is in shock and scared (In his words..."Oh Man")...and I am happy for them but sad that John won't be a part of it. Brandyn and Vi have been a huge support and have spent majority of the weekend here but of course Monday will be here soon enough and I will start the 1st day of the rest of my life alone. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but honestly, I can't imagine ever loving anyone again the way I loved John. He was perfect for me, the other half of me, the sort of love that every girl dreams of and every woman longs for. I was lucky enough to find it once I am not holding my breath on ever having it again.

So I have made a commitment to myself. I want to lose weight, too many years of John's amazing cooking have settled on my stomach and hips and when he was in the hospital we both commited to taking better care of ourselves for the sake of the kids. Well, that commit falls to me alone and as their only parent it is even more important that I get healthy. I have started the slimfast plan because it is simple and doesn't require much thought or planning. I need to get batteries to weigh myself and I will post here as to my progress. It is important to me that I get in shape and look better, when I was with John it didn't matter because his love for me was beyond outside appearances but now how I look feels even more important. I don't want anyone to look at me and think...that poor widow, all alone and with the way she looks she is going to stay that way. Instead I want people to look at me and think...wow...she looks incredible...we would set her up with this handsome, rich, single friend of ours, but since she is so devoted to her husbands memory and her children she chooses not to date. Ha...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't want people to pity me I want them to see that I am strong and that I choose to be alone not because my husband has passed away and no one else would ever want me but because my love for him was so deep that no one else could ever measure up.
I think back to my single years before John and they were pretty miserable. I was so lonely and wanted so much to be loved, I settled for Eddie who was an ass and treated me like shit. I will never settle again but at the same time I fear my lonliness will get to me and I will dishonor my husbands memory by settling for the first idiot who notices me. I know in my head that I will never allow that to happen but my heart is scared and my soul is yearning for someone to love. Not just anyone, but John...my sweet, amazing husband who made me so happy I felt as if I was delirious, the one person who knew every part of me inside and out and who loved me as no other ever has. I am 34 years old...the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me but the thought of settling for someone who I don't really love scares me even more. I want to be alone on my terms because I choose to be alone but I don't want to be alone because no one else would want me. So this is my journey, where it will take me I have no idea but I hope that by writing down my thoughts, hope and sorrows I will start to heal from the biggest loss of my life.
I love you John and I always will.

Wow...it has been quite some time since I have blogged. I am feeling a bit out of touch with what to write but right now I know that I need a place to vent, write, cry, share. I doubt if anyone who remembers my old blog is reading this but just in case here is a brief bio. I started this blog while dating the love of my life John Marshall Sullivan and many of you were there during our courtship and shared my marriage as I posted the happenings here. We were married in 2002 and have enjoyed 8 years together, 5 1/2 of those as husband and wife. John (Marshall) was the love of my life and will always be my heart and soul. Our years together were ideal, the sort of thing you only find in romance novels. In 2004 we had a daughter together and John was reunited with his three adult chidren from his first marriage. The last two years have been incredible, things were just perfect, I guess maybe a bit too perfect. Last November John started getting sick and after much arguing on my part I got him to a doctor. Here is a brief outline on how quickly everything happened:

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 John was hospitalized with pneumonia, during the chest xray a mass was found in John's lung.

Thursday, January 24, 2008 John has a catscan

Friday, January 25, 2008 John has a biopsy on mass in his lung

Monday, January 28, 2008 John diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer stage IV; given a year to live

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 John sent home. He was on oxygen and was having a hard time breathing. We were told that chemo would help the pain and let his body heal. The chemo was supposed to help extend his life for as long as possible.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 John getting weaker, lots of pain, tired, no appetite, sense of humor gone, not a good day.

Friday, February 1, 2008 John worse than Thursday, went early morning to chemo, pain was worse and breathing even more labored. The doctor examined him but stats seemed ok, were warned that chemo would make him even more tired. Went home after chemo, he went to bed and wasn't very responsive. During the night his breathing was labored but he kept saying he was fine.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 John woke me up, said he was having problems breathing. I turned up oxygen level on machine and he said he had to go to the restroom. I dozed off and woke to him standing at the foot of the bed. I asked him if he was ok, he said he couldn't breathe and then collapsed onto the bed. I dialed 911 and help was here very quickly. I couldn't tell if he was breathing due to him still hooked up to oxygen. I believe that he died instantly but they did work on him. He was never resucitated and was declared dead at the hospital.

The love of my life is gone and I am feeling scared, sad, empty, angry I want to scream and I am too afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop. There is a pain in my chest that hasn't gone away. I can't imagine spending my life without my best friend, how do I go through the most difficult time in my life without the one person who is the one I would turn to to get me through it? I have so much to write but not sure where to start. I will try to collect my thoughts later. Today is a week since I have been made a widow. Thirty-four seems way too young to be a widow. John, I miss you so much, I promised you that I would be strong and keep our family together but I am scared out of my mind and all I want to do is crawl into your arms and feel them wrap around me. How am I going to do this alone?