Okay, major bitch blog today. If you are reading this and it is about you I seriously suggest that you stop reading NOW! This is my place, my space and don't even think about bringing it up to me because you are lucky I am bitching here and not to your face. Yes......you know who the fuck you are!

I am so seriously pissed if a certain person gets in my face it will take all self control to not slap the shit out of them. It amazes me how certain people automatically jump to conclusions about me, about what I would or would not do. I have had it with trying to be the peacemaker in my family. Too many times I have supported certain people against my mom, my sister, my brother and in the end it all comes back to haunt me. It always amazes me how quickly people can turn and point the finger. As long as I do what makes them happy they have no problem with me, as long as I let them run all over me everything is fine. The second I speak up and go against what makes them happy they turn on me screaming and yelling......calling me a spoiled brat when they are the ones acting like children. Never in my life would I talk with such disrespect to my stepfather as this person did to my mom. Making a huge scene with phony, dramatic tears in front of my son. Slamming doors, going psychotic. Talk about pathetic!

I refuse to be made to feel as if I do not belong here, as if my family does not belong here. This was our house long before it was yours, I made the mistake of moving out but now that I am here I am here to stay. Get over it! I will not move, I will not let my children feel as if this isn't their home. This house belongs to my mom and I will live here as long as I damn well please. Call me names, point the finger. I don't really give a shit. I know what really happened, I know why and everyone else can go straight to hell. Don't fuck with me because I promise you........ you will NOT win! And that is the spoiled brat who ALWAYS gets her way speaking.

I have noticed that sometimes when there is a lot going on I have a hard time blogging. Everything with me is fine but there is just a lot going on. My mother is driving me crazy as she tries to get ready for the invasion of all of her relatives at the end of the month. I say let them rent a hotel room but no, she has to buy new beds, which means new comforters, curtains, etc. And then after she buys stuff for the guestrooms she decides that her own bedroom set isn't good enough so she has to redo that. Then she has to do redo her bathroom which means that she has to redo the two guest bathrooms. Storage closets that these people will never see are being cleaned, photographs which have always been stored in boxes for as long as I can remember must now be arranged into photo albums. I will admit that my children have been bad at leaving stuff there and I will admit that I never felt the urge to take all of their stuff to my house. My house is little and houses 5 people, her house is huge with 5 bedrooms, family room, pool room, 3 bathrooms, etc and only houses 2 people. Of course it is now urgent to get all of the kids stuff out of her house which is now sitting in the garage waiting for me to go through it and hold a garage sale. I am dreading that......I hate garage sales. What was going to be just a week of my mom's youngest sister and her girlfriend visiting has now turned into all 3 of her sisters visiting as well as my uncle and his girlfriend. I don't know any of them very well, and when I am around them I always feel very uncomfortable. They usually speak in spanish which I don't understand and talk of a past that has nothing to do with me. I know it is selfish of me but I am hoping to be there as little as possible. I know my mom is upset at my lack of excitement over their visit but I can't help it. I dread the drinking that these sort of reunions require. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear but I have a feeling it will be worse.

Another thing on my mind is the girls. Something is going on with their dad and I don't know if I should ask him about it or not. The girls have called me a few times and thankfully they sound happy and are having lots of fun. What worries me is that they are staying at their aunts house......with their dad.....without their stepmom. Last summer things were pretty tense there. The girls (mostly Danielle) had a miserable time and didn't relate to their stepmom very well. I know Danielle made her (the stepmom) cry a few times and things weren't so great which to me is understandable considering it was their first summer with her married to their dad and on her part she has never had children before. I figured they would all adjust to each other. So I am concerned to find out that the girls have been staying at their aunts house and from what I can understand they haven't seen their stepmom at all. I have had feelings for awhile, from things that Jorge (my ex) would tell me, that something was going on but I assumed that they would work it out. What bothered me about them staying with their aunt was that Jorge never told me so if I had needed to contact the girls I wouldn't have known where to find them. Why would he not tell me?

I decided to not worry about it, maybe after last summer Jorge just wanted time alone with the girls before they went head to head with his wife again. So when I got a call from the girls yesterday imagine my surprise to hear that they were at Disneyland with Jorge and a little girl younger than Danielle and her mom. No one else was there. Sounds like a date to me. Is it any of my concern? Hell if I know. I guess not, except for the fact that he should tell me if he has moved out of his apartment with his wife so that I know how to contact him regarding the girls. The more I thought about it though the more it pissed me off. When Jorge and I divorced I took the complete blame on my shoulders. I wanted to end the marriage and although I never cheated on Jorge while we were married, when I finally asked for a divorce and he knew that the marriage was over I did fly to Arizona to go away with a man. (long story) In my mind and in my heart I was not cheating because to me my marriage was long since over. To Jorge I had committed a horrendous thing that would never be forgiven. I have lived with that guilt for so long, I carry it with me every day. I know that the divorce was the right thing to do but hurting Jorge was unforgivable. So now the tables are turned. He is the one turning away from an unhappy marriage, he is the one who I am assuming is leaving his wife and is now with someone else. Is it wrong of me to want to hear it from him? I want so much for him to admit that he is human. He is not perfect and that what I did wasn't as bad as I was made to feel. I more than anything else want him to be happy, he deserves to find someone to share his life with, someone he can love and respect. I hope that is what he found.......and yet I want to hear him admit that sometimes in order to be happy you have to hurt those you might not want to hurt. What a strange situation to be in. As the mother to his children do I have the right to ask about his personal life? As his friend do I have the right to know? As his ex wife is it none of my business? Damn it, why do I have the feeling that there is more going on here than I know? I hate not knowing!!

We will be busy tomorrow doing daddy's day stuff but I wanted to take the time to wish a Happy Father's Day to all of the daddies in my life. My dad who I can't wait to visit soon, my stepdad who is the best grandfather in the world, John L. who will soon be my father-in-law and who has made me feel so welcome in his family, and to Marshall who is the best daddy in the world to Anthony and the girls.

I have been thinking of my dad a lot because I am so excited to visit him. We have went through a lot together and I have so many wonderful memories of things we did together. When my parents divorced I was 14 and being a typical teenage girl I fought a lot with my mom so I chose to live with my dad. We moved out to California together and the memories I have of just the two of us are some of the best memories that I think of often. We would get up early every Saturday and go out to eat breakfast. We would then spend the rest of the day at the beach, usually this one, or shopping at the swap meet. I honestly don't remember what we talked about but we would talk nonstop. I remember the night my grandmother passed away. She was in Colorado and my dad wasn't able to get there. We spent the night talking. I remember my dad crying and hugging me so tight as he tried to explain to me how important family is. He told me how special I was to him, how I have always had a special place in his heart as his first born child. At the time I thought I understood what he meant, but the meaning is even more important now that I have my own children. I wish that we lived closer and could see each other more, but I know that I am always in his heart just as he is always in mine. I love you Dad!!

Me and my dad - 1977