Summer Bucket List

So I started this post back in June 2012 and I am not quite sure where I was going with it, I am assuming I was planning to talk about our summer bucket list which kept us quite busy! We completed about 90% of our 50+ item list. Everything from camping to a watermelon eating contest, a fun vacation at a beautiful lake cabin in Minnesota to going on a road trip to find an old fashioned drive-in move theater (first time for the little ones). We made stuff, visited new places, went back to old favorites and made tons of fun summer memories.

As I write this, it is already cold and snowy in North Dakota. The best part about toughing it out through a long North Dakota winter? The excitement of waiting for another fun, amazing summer. I am already planning our summer vacation plans (camping in South Dakota!) and I can't wait to see the leaves start to bloom, the snow melt away and finally be able to trade in our winter boots for flip flops!

I hope you dance

Yesterday was a bright sunny day in Fargo, I meant to get up and go to church but due to staying up late watching movies with the kids the night before I ended up sleeping in. So, after a lazy afternoon of not much at all, I started to rush around to get Caitlyn ready for her final dance performance of the season. Before I headed out the door I glanced at my Facebook and noticed someone post that a friend from church had passed away. Finding out on FB was not ideal, especially because the person posting was my SIL and I wish she would have had the consideration to call me. I was upset, sad, and a million other emotions.

I was trying to remember the last time I had seen Sarina, it was on Easter Sunday when her and my older girls sang together for the Easter service at church with the worship band. Sarina was a sweet person, she always had a warm hug whenever I saw her and she always took the time to ask how we were all doing. We didn't spend much time together outside of church, an occasional lunch and this past fall she went with my family to see Danielle's play. She was only 52. The hows and whys are unknown, and in reality they don't even matter. It is just a strong reminder that we need to appreciate every moment we have with those we care about because we truly never know when it will be our last.

I had to quickly pull myself together and get Caitlyn to her dance show. As I watched all of the beautiful young girls, put their entire hearts and souls into their dance numbers, from the littlest ones fidgety in their tutus to the older ones, with graceful turns and jumps, I couldn't help but think of Sarina.

Sarina, I hope that you know how much you were loved, I hope that as your beautiful voice now joins a choir of angels, I hope that you feel the lightness in your soul as all of your earthly pains are now released. I hope you sing and laugh and feel the sunshine on your face, and as the song goes... above all else I hope you dance.

Life keeps going

Well, again another long stretch since my last post. How can I ever hope to consider myself a writer if I don't write every day? I know that I am afraid to face the pain that comes out with writing but this is getting ridiculous! It has been over four years... Time to let go. Of course I know what is holding me back. Forgiveness. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to forgive the one person that I loved so very much and who took my love for granted, who was willing to toss it away for a skanky piece of ass. And speaking of skanks, I still am angry which is most likely apparent, I wouldn't even know how to say the word forgive and her name in the same sentance. I have been contemplating writing her a letter, but honestly don't know if that is really the route that I want to go, I hesitate to open a connection between us because I do not want her to feel that I would want to hear back from her. So I am just trying to get my mind wrapped around the process of forgiving and letting go. It is not easy but I will get there.

Now onto other things... Just a few random events in my life:

I have a new iPad which I love and as I am writing this in bed on my new iPad I am hoping this is the answer to more frequent posts. Although they will most likely be shorter cause iPad typing isn't as easy as keyboard typing.

I am working on expanding my daycare license... On a deadline so really need to get my butt in gear with that one.

My dad had a knee relacement surgery, he is doing well.

My nephew had a surgery to remove some masses from his ear, he is doing well.

Britt is preparing for her LSAT's and is only a few weeks away from completing her junior year at Concordia College.

Danielle is graduating from high school in about six weeks which has me extremely stressed out.

Anthony just had his last choir concert this week and he is excited to tour other schools with the jazz choir. He is also looking forward to another fun summer at Trollwood which starts up as soon as school lets out.

Caitlyn is excited about the new swing set I just purchased and is already hanging upside down on the bars like a monkey, she also just recently taught herself how to do a one-handed cartwheel. She also has her last dance performance today.

I have a zillion things to do today, the first of which is going to be to make myself a cup of coffee, so time to get moving but excited to be able to blog from bed, I could get used to this.

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago I walked down the aisle to marry my first husband. A scared 18 year old girl in a long white dress, younger than my oldest daughter is today. So many things went wrong that day. Family members who had promised to help make food changed their mind and left us scrambling to feed our guests (we had to serve platters of Subway sandwiches!), our reception hall was locked with no key to be found so my step-dad and soon-to-be husband broke a window so that we could get in (my step-dad said he would of course pay for it) and I remember crying because I thought for sure that they would both be going to jail! My dad didn't end up making it to walk me down the aisle but he didn't take the time to even let me know he wouldn't be coming. During the wedding my mother-in-law cried like she was at a funeral and I was quite hurt that afterwards she clung to her son like he was dying and didn't bother to say a word to me much less give me a hug. For our first dance my new sister-in-law decided that the song we had picked wasn't good enough so she instructed the dj to play a different song. We were both too young to sip champagne and our wedding pictures include our oldest daughter Brittany who was 6months old.

I look back at our wedding pictures, we were just kids. What in the world were we thinking? If you would have asked me then, I would have said that we would be together forever. I never would have imagined that on our 20th anniversary I would be here and he would be there and we would be exchanging texts... acknowledging the day with a sense of bitter-sweetness. Feelings of sadness for our younger selves who went into our marriage with the best of intentions but the reality being that we both had so much growing up to do. No wonder his mom couldn't stop crying, her baby was literally just a baby and there he was... a boy making the commitment of a man.

I wish we could say we gave it our best shot. We gave up to soon, didn't even make it to the 5yr mark, or rather I guess I should say that I gave up too soon. There will always be a sense of regret. The sweet love I had for him as a young girl is still in my heart, I feel it every time I look at our daughters who are so much a part of him, Brittany has his dimples, Danielle his crazy sense of humor. I feel it when I come across old pictures or something triggers a memory. And I guess that is what brings the tears today, there were so many fun, good memories. Date shakes, trips to the beach, kisses in the rain, Laguna at midnight, crazy roller coaster rides and trips to Disneyland, driving around California because all we could afford was the gas for a car ride, dreaming of what our lives would bring when we finally had the money to follow our dreams. Our little apartment in Colorado, blizzards with unexpected company, trips to the mountains, cozy Christmases with homemade gifts, horrible cooking on my part and never a complaint on his part, playing games, watching movies, listening to all of his crazy music, concerts, picnics, the birth of our daughters, his beautiful smile, waking up to find him sitting there watching me sleep, falling asleep in his arms. So many wonderful memories and then I woke up one day and that's all they were, distant memories.

Suddenly I found myself at 23yrs old feeling suffocated, I had fears of waking up one day and finding myself an old woman with no idea who I really was or what I wanted. I pushed him away and when I finally was able to breathe and know who I was and what I wanted - I realized that he was so much a part of me and I knew that our little family together was what I wanted, but it was too late. He was too hurt, confused, angry, and there was no convincing him to try again.

And now... twenty years later I wake up to a "Good Morning" text. From the person who will always have a part of my heart, who shares children with me, a history and someday grandchildren but no longer shares my life as my husband. A world away, both of us have/had other marriages, other children and yet I know that we will always have a connection. Not just because of our girls but because we started out as friends and thankfully through all of the tears, hurt and pain, the friendship has endured. And it is with that thought that I wipe away my tears. It is time to celebrate what was but I can no longer feel sad for the "could have beens." Every thing happens for a reason and those reasons are Anthony, Caitlyn and Cassandra who wouldn't be the joys in our lives otherwise.

So "Happy Anniversary" to my friend, a twenty year friendship is something to celebrate. I will always cherish the memories and I look forward to another twenty years of friendship with you.

Another loss

So this week started out as just a normal week. Getting the kids here and there, working, trying my best to make some order out of the chaos that is my home, a typical week in my life. Tuesday was a nice day. Caitlyn had dance and the weather was nice enough for her to wear her shorts without needing to wear sweats over the top. We even left the house early enough for her to pick out her Halloween costume. Late I know, but with the way my child changes her mind it is best to wait until the last minute to avoid the purchase of unnecessary costumes! She is going to be the Queen of Hearts by the way!

So we went to dance class, picked up dinner, came home and I was looking forward to a night to relax and "fingers crossed" go to bed early. Danielle was home from drama practice and she was a bit worried because one of her friends from drama had what she thought was a seizure in the bathroom. We talked about it a bit and then she asked if I wanted to watch tv with her. So we went in my room, found something to watch on Hulu and I drifted off to the sound of an old season of Hell's Kitchen that we had missed. Danielle woke me up before she headed to bed, I got ready for bed and fell asleep reading a book.

I woke up to the sound of Danielle crying so loudly that I could hear her coming up the stairs. The news was that Danielle's friend from drama had passed away from a brain aneurysm. My body immediately went numb. It couldn't possibly be real. How could a perfectly, healthy 17yr old girl go to school and never make it home?

I found myself once again in the place of having to guide my child through the death of someone they cared about. We sat on the couch, me holding Danielle in my arms, rocking her back and forth, wishing that I could take away her pain. We have went through a week of numbness, Danielle going to school and feeling the pain of all of her classmates, and in many ways even more so because she knows first hand how much harder the pain is when the shock and numbness finally wears off. And the rest of us, while not knowing this girl personally, all mourned the loss of the sweet girl with the beautiful smile and even more beautiful singing voice.

Tonight we attended a memorial service for her friend. As part of the drama group, Danielle put together a slide show for the service, she was also part of a group who sang a song from last year's musical. The high school Madrigal singers, who also sang at John's funeral, sang two beautiful songs. Hearing them sing brought back some sadness from that time but at the same time it was a reminder that life goes on. The kids who sang for John's funeral have long since graduated and have moved on towards their future. Many of the kids singing tonight will be graduating alongside Danielle and in the blink of an eye they will also be moving towards their future. That is the process of life, you are born, you live and you die.

Some of us are blessed with a longer process than others, and some are taken from us far too soon. What is important is what you do with your life between the time you are born and the time that you die. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of often going through the motions without being 100% present. That is something that I have been struggling to change but haven't been very successful at doing.

Listening tonight to all of the amazing stories of this young girl who was always smiling, always reaching out a hand to others, ready with kindness and an encouraging word to all that needed it put me completely to shame. As I felt the tears well up in my eyes, for the pain Danielle and all of her friends and classmates are going through, the pain of this girl's parents, siblings and close family circle, the loss that we as a community will forever have without the presence of this vibrant soul.... I also felt sadness for all of the wasted moments I have taken away from my own kids because I can't put what happened with John behind me.

I know that I have been there for them when they needed me, I have hidden my pain during holidays and events so that they can enjoy those special days, I have swallowed my tears when sharing stories of their dad with them so that they can carry those memories, but what about all of those moments, the small, every day ones that we take for granted that I have probably missed because I have been distracted by the voice in my mind that continues to remind me of my personal loss of John? Those moments are just as important, just as precious as the other ones that we plan for. Because chances are, it is going to be one of those little moments that will most likely be the last one you share with your loved ones. It isn't fair that a parent can send their child to school in one moment and in the next they are forever gone without any warning at all. I won't even guess to imagine what this family is going through, I just hope that they felt the prayers, love and support that we have all been sending them.

As unspeakable as this loss is, I hope this girl's parents will find some comfort in the fact that their daughter lived each and every moment with excitement, joy and a passion for living. Not only for herself, but for the entire circle of people around her. I feel very blessed to have known her sweet smile personally and I am taking the time tonight to write down my thoughts because I don't want to ever forget how short life is. How quickly our worlds can spin upside down on what you thought was just an uneventful day in October. I still have a lot of work to do, but it is time for me to stop talking about getting better but actually putting in the action that is required to not just move forward, but to run forward full steam ahead.

I won't always get it right, I have a lot of healing to do.......but in the words of this young girl... "Never give up!" I refuse to live another numb day. That might mean that the tears have to come out, it might mean that I will have to ask others for help along the way, it might mean that I will have to face some truths that I have buried deep inside. I can deal with it, my kids are worth this process and so am I.