The past few days have been extremely difficult. It is starting to hit me that he is really gone, he is never coming back and I am completely alone. I suppose that I would feel alone regardless of how many people were around me but the aloneness seems to be hitting harder because there are quite a few people I had expected to at least hear from but haven't. I was angry with my brother but when we finally talked about it...or should I say when I yelled at him about it, he expressed that he didn't know what to say...that he felt words weren't enough and that to send a card would seem like an insult. I guess I have always tried to reach out in sympathy to those that needed it but I can think of a few times when I wasn't there for someone who needed it. As I look at those times I realize that they hit too close to home and I didn't know what to do or say.

I am trying to keep that in mind and working hard to let hurt feelings go because in the end the only person they are going to hurt is me. So I am working on finding things to be grateful for and I am working on writing down all of the wonderful memories I have of John. I have been spending quite a bit of time at CafeMom because when I write there I know that someone is reading it and in the short amount of time I have been part of that community I have found quite a bit of support. It is nice to have this blog to write and not worry about many people (if any) reading it but at the same time it is also nice to know that what you are writing is being read and it is nice to feel as if I have support out there, even if it is only in the virtual world.

So yesterday sucked, I had to apply for medical assistance and temporary food stamps for me and the kids just to help us get through until I figure out which direction I am going in. The medical part is important because I need to get a complete physical because it is more important than ever that I get healthy. As hard as it is for the kids to be without John it would be even harder if they lost me so I need to take care of myself for them and also because I promised John that I would. I really hate asking for help, there were plenty of times when John and I could have asked for assistance but we never did. We just did some creative budgeting and stretched our food as far as it would go....thank goodness for beans and rice! Sometimes I was told that we should just get over being proud and ask for help. But it wasn't just pride it was important to John and I that we do this on our own. We made the commitment to the kids and we never wanted them to feel like we had to take charity to support them. So we didn't go on fancy vacations and the kids didn't have tons of new clothes when school started and John and I sacrificed things that we would have liked to have but thanks to help from family we were always ok financially and in the important things, the things that mattered most we had far more of than a lot of people have.

We were always so happy, even when times were hard we were happy because we were together, we had our family and each other and smart, talented and wonderful kids...we were extremely lucky. So I am thankful that we never asked for help because it makes what we did together even more amazing. But now he is gone....and as much as I hate to do it, I have to ask for help. Not forever, not for very long....just until I can figure out where I am at and how I am going to juggle everything. People have always told me that assistance is there for when you really need it....well guess what? I really need it but it still sucks!

So today was pretty much a crap day. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I was upset because I hadn't heard from my brother since the funeral and although I understood that he couldn't make it to the funeral I was upset that him and his stupid wife didn't even think to send a card. I was venting, I'm sorry, I need to do that sometimes and since John isn't here to listen to me vent I was stupid and vented to her. I asked her to NOT tell my brother but of course that is the first thing she does and surprise, surprise, my brother calls.

I didn't want him to call because someone told him to call, I am just sick of feeling so alone. He isn't the only one not calling, since the funeral I haven't heard from quite a few people and the only ones I have seen are my sister (because she has to drop of Tyler for daycare), women from church who have been bringing food, and John's sisters. I did see Marshal but that is only because I went to Shelby's dance recital oh yeah and ViAnnah but only because she needed me to drive her to the emergency room. All of the kids had promised to stop by this weekend...of course they didn't...big shocker there. I know that not everyone's life stops because my husband is dead but it sure as hell would be nice if all of my family who promised John that they would be here for me and the kids would at least pretend to follow through for the first month or so.

So I started yelling at my brother and mostly I was yelling cause I was mad at my mom for having such a big mouth. I'm not even going to bother calling her about this because she is just so wrapped up in "her pain" that she just makes me mad. I can't help but wonder if her "pain" is because MY husband is dead or is it because the attention isn't all focused on her.

Okay, so now I sound like a bitter bitch. Sorry...I am bitter and angry and bitchy and you know what, it doesn't matter because for the most part there isn't anyone around who gives a shit. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives and that is fine except what hurts the most is that John and I would both have been there completely for anyone that we know if the circumstances were reversed. My sister would call on my husband for every little thing even though she has her own boyfriend who was capable of doing those things, do you think now her or her boyfriend would think to stop by to see if maybe I need help shoveling snow or fixing a sump pump that isn't working? Of course not, because that would be too much work. Not to mention that most people don't have a problem asking for help, I should know because my husband was always the person they would call. I don't like asking for help, and now that I have had to ask for help it sucks because the few things that I have asked for haven't been done. I still can't do laundry, my sump pump is still broken and I can't even get a stupid punching bag so that I can get some of this anger out without having to write mean nasty things that will make me feel guilty later.

I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so mad and not having the one person here who would always be able to calm me and make me laugh. I hate that I can't vent to someone and not be able to trust that they will keep their mouth shut about it. I hate that I have to sit in my room all night, alone crying because it is so empty without him. I hate that I am starting to get mad at him. I hate that it will be a long fucking time before I can be with him again and I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I hate being asked how I am doing. Seriously...how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?! How do you think I am doing?

Today was another long day. The kids and I went to church although I really didn't want to go. Brittany was a bit mad at me because she didn't get home from drama until late...I had predicted 3 or 4am...I was wrong. She didn't get home until after 7am! I didn't sleep all that great because I was waiting for her and so it wasn't a great morning. We did go to church and I got there just in time to teach Sunday school (I teach Britt's class) and had fun listening to Britt complain about me making her go.

I'm not sure what did it, but something in church made me start crying. It wasn't the horrible sobbing cries but it was embarrassing all the same, and of course I didn't have a kleenex. You would think that I would have learned to carry them everywhere by now! They also announced the benefit for our family which will take place next weekend in honor of what would have been John's 50th bday. After church there were several wonderful people who offered support and I did really good at not crying for quite some time but of course started crying again. I hate crying, my nose gets red and my eyes get puffy and I look like complete crap. I have always hated women who can cry and look beautiful while doing it.

After church I dreaded the thought of coming home and missing John and our normal Sunday ritual of him and the girls making pancakes for everyone and me reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee. Have I mentioned that my husband was wonderful at spoiling me? After breakfast the kids would clean up and John and Caitlyn would usually take a nap on the couch while I was either here on the computer or with them on the couch reading a book. Sundays were always relaxing days just for us. So the thought of coming home and making breakfast just didn't sound so great. Instead, the kids and I went to McDonalds for lunch and we then went to Barnes and Noble. I had wanted to find a cd with the song "Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi but before I could find it Caitlyn had to go to the restroom. We ran into a woman from church there, one whom I have seen and said hello to but never had a chance to get to know. She was very sweet and we started talking and of course I am an emotional wreck and started to tear up. She offered to buy me a cup of coffee and we sat down and had a wonderful conversation. The kids all picked out books...altough I never did find something for me...big surprise.

We then went to the movie theater to see "Enchanted" which we have been wanting to see. It was in the cheap theater which meant I spent $8 on tickets and $30 on drinks, popcorn and candy. The movie was really cute and it was a great escape from reality which is what I really needed.

Unfortunately, you always have to return to reality which I did the second we got home and I checked the mail. Waiting for me were John's death certificates. I knew it would be hard to see them, but it was even worse than I thought to see his name on there with the official state seal as well as cause of death which was listed as pneumonia as well as pericarditis (which I had to google to find out what it meant). The official term for lung cancer was also listed as a contributing factor. The pericarditis was new to me because we still haven't seen an autopsy, hopefully when we get that it will clear up some of the questions we have had. I also talked to Missy today which was nice and I'm glad I talked to her because it helps to just have someone listen. Which is probably why I continue to blog here, to feel as if someone (anyone) is listening.

So I made dinner (we still didn't eat at the table but I plan to change that tomorrow) and we watched a movie and now I am ready to go to bed...I am exhausted.