Which Way From Here?

So another year has gone by. I hate that my blog is so neglected. I love writing, I love having a blog, I have years invested in this space I don't want it to just disappear. I know that I have so much that I need to write about but it is yet another thing I ignore. Somewhere in the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that if I just keep ignoring the things I need/want to do they will eventually go away.

So days drift by, weeks go by, months disappear... and I find myself in this place. Paperwork that desperately needs attention, layers of dust on my neglected books & bookshelves, a lawn that is starting to look like a jungle, weeds - so many weeds, piles of laundry that need attention. Worse than all of that is the clutter in my mind. The people that I have let drift away, the courtesy's that I have ignored, the bills that are behind, the many tasks that are still waiting to be checked off yet another forgotten list. All of this clutter..... it makes me want to scream.... or cry. Most likely cry, but are the tears for the tasks, the stuff, the loss? Yes the loss. The loss of my world when my husband passed away. Should I be done mourning by now? It is well over a year, the dreaded year of proper mourning. But how can I be done when I am still reeling from the events I found out that changed everything I knew about my husband, my marriage, myself.

I think I forget.... and then I don't. I see a picture of the little boy that is half-brother to my daughter. Yes I have a picture, this woman was a "friend", she was in my home, she was in my life in more ways than I ever knew. Or maybe I wake up from a deep sleep and I replay all the details in my mind, all of the nagging things that I ignored and now wish I could go back and replay time to do everything again. Question the phone calls, late nights at work, talk of a business trip just him and her, I knew. Of course I knew, I put my foot down on that trip, deep in the pit of my stomach I knew and I said absolutely no, I would not stand by and let that happen. He didn't go.... they didn't go. But a trip wasn't needed, they still did what they did and a child was still born. Which is worse the child or the act itself? Could I forget, forgive the act if the child didn't exist? Of course if it weren't for the child I would probably never know about the act. These questions nag my mind when I wake up too vulnerable from a deep sleep to push them aside with the clutter of everyday life.

So I fill my days with nothing, mind numbing tasks to keep me from feeling the full emotion of the anger and pain that is still simmering beneath the surface. I am afraid. I am afraid of what will happen if I let those feelings out. I scare myself. I hate him, I hate her, he is dead and she isn't and regardless of either one of them there is still a child that someday my daughter will need to know about. I hate him, the man I married, the most when I think of having to tell my precious little daughter the ugly truth. There is a boy, he is your brother.

I hate that my oldest daughter has to go to work and have to see her. This woman who can live her life with no cares to all the chaos she has caused. Buy her bread and eggs and milk, maybe a treat for the child that shouldn't exist. While my daughter, who loved that man as a father, has to stand and seethe with anger knowing the pain this woman has caused. I wonder what I would do with a minute with this woman.... or more... what would I do with more? Would I talk, cry, lash out, hurt.... I feel my stomach twist when I think of having to see that face. It will happen, it is bound to happen, this is a small town, small community. Will I be able to finally start putting this behind me when I finally face what sickens me the most?

I don't know, what I do know is that I need to start getting some of this poison that I feel out. If just to get it out in words, out of my mind. So that is what brings me here today. My first step in letting go. I have let go of so many things, friends, family, objects, those I might miss but I can live with that, I can sometimes be thankful for the lack of clutter both physical and emotional when I think about the things that I have lost. It is the loss of myself that I fear the most. I look in the mirror and the person I see isn't me. I know who I am, but I know I am lost. I am hoping that these words, this finally finished task will lead to more finished tasks which will hopefully some day lead me back to me.