Twenty Years

Twenty years ago I walked down the aisle to marry my first husband. A scared 18 year old girl in a long white dress, younger than my oldest daughter is today. So many things went wrong that day. Family members who had promised to help make food changed their mind and left us scrambling to feed our guests (we had to serve platters of Subway sandwiches!), our reception hall was locked with no key to be found so my step-dad and soon-to-be husband broke a window so that we could get in (my step-dad said he would of course pay for it) and I remember crying because I thought for sure that they would both be going to jail! My dad didn't end up making it to walk me down the aisle but he didn't take the time to even let me know he wouldn't be coming. During the wedding my mother-in-law cried like she was at a funeral and I was quite hurt that afterwards she clung to her son like he was dying and didn't bother to say a word to me much less give me a hug. For our first dance my new sister-in-law decided that the song we had picked wasn't good enough so she instructed the dj to play a different song. We were both too young to sip champagne and our wedding pictures include our oldest daughter Brittany who was 6months old.

I look back at our wedding pictures, we were just kids. What in the world were we thinking? If you would have asked me then, I would have said that we would be together forever. I never would have imagined that on our 20th anniversary I would be here and he would be there and we would be exchanging texts... acknowledging the day with a sense of bitter-sweetness. Feelings of sadness for our younger selves who went into our marriage with the best of intentions but the reality being that we both had so much growing up to do. No wonder his mom couldn't stop crying, her baby was literally just a baby and there he was... a boy making the commitment of a man.

I wish we could say we gave it our best shot. We gave up to soon, didn't even make it to the 5yr mark, or rather I guess I should say that I gave up too soon. There will always be a sense of regret. The sweet love I had for him as a young girl is still in my heart, I feel it every time I look at our daughters who are so much a part of him, Brittany has his dimples, Danielle his crazy sense of humor. I feel it when I come across old pictures or something triggers a memory. And I guess that is what brings the tears today, there were so many fun, good memories. Date shakes, trips to the beach, kisses in the rain, Laguna at midnight, crazy roller coaster rides and trips to Disneyland, driving around California because all we could afford was the gas for a car ride, dreaming of what our lives would bring when we finally had the money to follow our dreams. Our little apartment in Colorado, blizzards with unexpected company, trips to the mountains, cozy Christmases with homemade gifts, horrible cooking on my part and never a complaint on his part, playing games, watching movies, listening to all of his crazy music, concerts, picnics, the birth of our daughters, his beautiful smile, waking up to find him sitting there watching me sleep, falling asleep in his arms. So many wonderful memories and then I woke up one day and that's all they were, distant memories.

Suddenly I found myself at 23yrs old feeling suffocated, I had fears of waking up one day and finding myself an old woman with no idea who I really was or what I wanted. I pushed him away and when I finally was able to breathe and know who I was and what I wanted - I realized that he was so much a part of me and I knew that our little family together was what I wanted, but it was too late. He was too hurt, confused, angry, and there was no convincing him to try again.

And now... twenty years later I wake up to a "Good Morning" text. From the person who will always have a part of my heart, who shares children with me, a history and someday grandchildren but no longer shares my life as my husband. A world away, both of us have/had other marriages, other children and yet I know that we will always have a connection. Not just because of our girls but because we started out as friends and thankfully through all of the tears, hurt and pain, the friendship has endured. And it is with that thought that I wipe away my tears. It is time to celebrate what was but I can no longer feel sad for the "could have beens." Every thing happens for a reason and those reasons are Anthony, Caitlyn and Cassandra who wouldn't be the joys in our lives otherwise.

So "Happy Anniversary" to my friend, a twenty year friendship is something to celebrate. I will always cherish the memories and I look forward to another twenty years of friendship with you.

Another loss

So this week started out as just a normal week. Getting the kids here and there, working, trying my best to make some order out of the chaos that is my home, a typical week in my life. Tuesday was a nice day. Caitlyn had dance and the weather was nice enough for her to wear her shorts without needing to wear sweats over the top. We even left the house early enough for her to pick out her Halloween costume. Late I know, but with the way my child changes her mind it is best to wait until the last minute to avoid the purchase of unnecessary costumes! She is going to be the Queen of Hearts by the way!

So we went to dance class, picked up dinner, came home and I was looking forward to a night to relax and "fingers crossed" go to bed early. Danielle was home from drama practice and she was a bit worried because one of her friends from drama had what she thought was a seizure in the bathroom. We talked about it a bit and then she asked if I wanted to watch tv with her. So we went in my room, found something to watch on Hulu and I drifted off to the sound of an old season of Hell's Kitchen that we had missed. Danielle woke me up before she headed to bed, I got ready for bed and fell asleep reading a book.

I woke up to the sound of Danielle crying so loudly that I could hear her coming up the stairs. The news was that Danielle's friend from drama had passed away from a brain aneurysm. My body immediately went numb. It couldn't possibly be real. How could a perfectly, healthy 17yr old girl go to school and never make it home?

I found myself once again in the place of having to guide my child through the death of someone they cared about. We sat on the couch, me holding Danielle in my arms, rocking her back and forth, wishing that I could take away her pain. We have went through a week of numbness, Danielle going to school and feeling the pain of all of her classmates, and in many ways even more so because she knows first hand how much harder the pain is when the shock and numbness finally wears off. And the rest of us, while not knowing this girl personally, all mourned the loss of the sweet girl with the beautiful smile and even more beautiful singing voice.

Tonight we attended a memorial service for her friend. As part of the drama group, Danielle put together a slide show for the service, she was also part of a group who sang a song from last year's musical. The high school Madrigal singers, who also sang at John's funeral, sang two beautiful songs. Hearing them sing brought back some sadness from that time but at the same time it was a reminder that life goes on. The kids who sang for John's funeral have long since graduated and have moved on towards their future. Many of the kids singing tonight will be graduating alongside Danielle and in the blink of an eye they will also be moving towards their future. That is the process of life, you are born, you live and you die.

Some of us are blessed with a longer process than others, and some are taken from us far too soon. What is important is what you do with your life between the time you are born and the time that you die. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of often going through the motions without being 100% present. That is something that I have been struggling to change but haven't been very successful at doing.

Listening tonight to all of the amazing stories of this young girl who was always smiling, always reaching out a hand to others, ready with kindness and an encouraging word to all that needed it put me completely to shame. As I felt the tears well up in my eyes, for the pain Danielle and all of her friends and classmates are going through, the pain of this girl's parents, siblings and close family circle, the loss that we as a community will forever have without the presence of this vibrant soul.... I also felt sadness for all of the wasted moments I have taken away from my own kids because I can't put what happened with John behind me.

I know that I have been there for them when they needed me, I have hidden my pain during holidays and events so that they can enjoy those special days, I have swallowed my tears when sharing stories of their dad with them so that they can carry those memories, but what about all of those moments, the small, every day ones that we take for granted that I have probably missed because I have been distracted by the voice in my mind that continues to remind me of my personal loss of John? Those moments are just as important, just as precious as the other ones that we plan for. Because chances are, it is going to be one of those little moments that will most likely be the last one you share with your loved ones. It isn't fair that a parent can send their child to school in one moment and in the next they are forever gone without any warning at all. I won't even guess to imagine what this family is going through, I just hope that they felt the prayers, love and support that we have all been sending them.

As unspeakable as this loss is, I hope this girl's parents will find some comfort in the fact that their daughter lived each and every moment with excitement, joy and a passion for living. Not only for herself, but for the entire circle of people around her. I feel very blessed to have known her sweet smile personally and I am taking the time tonight to write down my thoughts because I don't want to ever forget how short life is. How quickly our worlds can spin upside down on what you thought was just an uneventful day in October. I still have a lot of work to do, but it is time for me to stop talking about getting better but actually putting in the action that is required to not just move forward, but to run forward full steam ahead.

I won't always get it right, I have a lot of healing to do.......but in the words of this young girl... "Never give up!" I refuse to live another numb day. That might mean that the tears have to come out, it might mean that I will have to ask others for help along the way, it might mean that I will have to face some truths that I have buried deep inside. I can deal with it, my kids are worth this process and so am I.

My amazing son

I have been wanting to post this since this past weekend but haven't been able to find the time. In the midst of all of my own personal pain I am constantly reminded of how blessed I truly am to have my amazing children and my home and my family and all of the other blessings that are in my life. I am embarrassed that I don't always appreciate the things I have. Dwelling on the sadness keeps me from always acknowledging all of the things I have to be grateful for. Not that I don't appreciate it, because in my heart I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life, it is more just not taking the time to put it into words.

So this post is about Anthony who last weekend participated in an event called Homeless and Hungry. It is a weekend long event, where participants fast for 30 hours, sleep in a cardboard box, do community service projects and raise money, all to help others who are less fortunate. I have never participated. I have no reason other than I am just not as brave as my son. No food for 30 hours, sleeping outside in the cold in a box.... not quite sure which of these worries me the most but I can say that I am not quite ready to give up my comforts. Not to mention, no cell phone, tooth brush, shower...

But Anthony, he not only has participated for the past two years, but he does it with a smile on his face and is ready to participate again next year! Not one complaint when the event was over, he just calmly took his soup and sandwich which would break his fast, picked out the American cheese and quietly enjoyed his meal. I wonder what these experiences will mean to him as he becomes an adult, what lessons will he carry with him as he becomes a man? My son who sometimes gets lost in the craziness of every day life being the only boy surrounded by a mom and three sisters. Women/girls who are often loud, opinionated, moody, bossy.... the list could go on and at every turn he is kind, sweet, patient. Even as his little sister who idolizes him to the point of complete irritation on his part, drives him to want to scream, he can almost always control his frustration and make her breakfast or play a game with her.

I hope that growing up in a house full of women will be another life lesson that he looks back on with hopefully some fondness but also a better sense of himself as a man. It is a huge responsibility to raise a son, and I only hope that I am teaching him half as much as he teaches me.

Who needs friends

While shopping this evening I ran into an acquaintance from the divorced/widowed support group I was part of shortly after John passed away whom I hadn't seen in a very long time. I say she is an acquaintance because I honestly don't know how I feel about the word "friend". I have never had much luck with friendships, my most recent one ended up with her accusing me of having an affair with her husband which came completely out of nowhere. I was very upset for having been accused but said nothing to defend myself because if she were truly a friend she would know better than to accuse me of that especially after what I have gone through in regards to John being unfaithful. There is only one person in this world that I would wish that on and I doubt if the slut who had an affair with my husband will ever find someone stupid enough to marry her.

But that is besides the point, the point is that I just didn't have the energy to care enough to try to make her see how stupid she was acting. The reason her marriage fell apart had nothing to do with me or any other outside person. I would guess that it had more to do with her own actions and the stress of marrying a man who had never had kids and suddenly giving him a family of pre-teens who were a handful.... to put it as nicely as possible.

By the time this accusation came around, I honestly didn't care enough to invest even the breath it would have taken to try to fix the situation. Let her believe what she wishes.... the "friendship" was obviously a joke and I didn't really care enough to go through the trouble of cutting the ties. After John died, so many of my relationships fell to the wayside.... did it really matter that there was one more?

I know that having friends is important and when I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself I do wish that I had an adult friend to share things with but then I realize that having a friendship would take time and my time and energy feel stretched so thin right now that I just can't imagine having anything more to give to anyone other than my kids. Is it fair to seek a friendship when I know that it would be extremely one-sided due to a lack of interest on my part? Right now, my mind is so wrapped around all of my own sadness and pain that it is hard for me to let others in because I feel too fragile to dare risk any more pain. Can you really have a friendship if you are so busy putting up walls that prevent others from really getting to know you?

John was my best friend and I never imagined him doing anything to hurt me as much as I am now hurting. If you can't trust the one person you have pledged your heart, life and soul to.... who can you trust? And then when that trust is broken, when you bury the pieces of your former life in a little box, can you ever really be whole enough to let others in?

I want to have friends, but I also want to make sure that I am ready to be a friend before I really pursue any further relationships. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends, good friends who have been very patient with my distance as I try to put myself together. I also have would-be-friends who have reached out to me, even as I build those hard to scale walls around me. Sadly, I still feel too raw to let anyone too close, I still need these walls to protect me from more pain than I can handle.

I just hope that when I get to the point that I am ready to let people in, there will still be people around who care enough to still want to be my friend. As to the acquaintance I mentioned earlier, in my heart you are more than an acquaintance, you are my friend, I am just not very good at showing it. I hope that you were able to see that in my eyes when I walked away. I am still so very sad.... I don't want to burden anyone else with this sadness.... but please don't give up on me. I am hoping that very soon, I will be ready to accept the friendship you have extended to me time and time again.... I just hope that at that point, it won't be too late.

Tricks not Treats

So it was a year, almost to the day, between my last two posts. I can't help but wonder what it is about this time of year that makes me ready to let go of the past and of course the flip side of that is what happens to make that motivation go away? I obviously haven't dealt with it if I find myself back in nearly the same place year after year.

First I think it must have something to do with the fact that the calendar year is almost over which of course means that another anniversary of John's death is right around the corner. I also just realized that Halloween is when I first started seeing signs of how sick John was. He loved taking the kids trick-or-treating. In fact there were some years where the weather was too cold so I would stay home and pass out candy and he would be out there for as long as the kids wanted to trick-or-treat. Our last Halloween together Caitlyn was 3. She was dressed up as a cute little witch and I remember the three of us going together. The older kids were with their friends and I think my sister and nephew went for a short time but they left early. As we got towards the end of the trick-or-treating, Caitlyn started complaining about being tired. When a 3yr old is tired, they are TIRED and no amount of coaxing is going to get them to belive that there isn't much farther to go before they get home. She wanted to be carried and there was no convincing her to walk. John was always the first to pick her up, regardless if his back hurt or if he was tired, he always carried the kids, there was never a time prior to this night that I carried one of the kids if he was there as well. But that night, we were about a block and half away from home and there was no way he could carry her. His cough was so rough, his lungs hurt from what he thought was the coughing and he just didn't have the strength to carry her. I remember picking her up and joking that he must really be sick. He was quiet, I just figured he was tired but thinking about it now I wonder if deep inside he had an idea of how sick he really was.

Now that I think about it, I realize that Halloween was definitely the turning point between John being well and us finding out he had cancer. He was also sick for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Writing it down of course I can see how I should have known there was something very serious going on. But at the time, I honestly had no clue. Yes he was sick, yes he had a cough that didn't go away, and in the back of my mind I did notice some weight loss and he was definitely irritable but we all had colds at some time or another that fall, and with his smoking, him having a cough didn't seem too odd. He was always on the thin side so in my mind I just figured it was old age, his dad was on the very thin side as well and he lived past 80. As for him being crabby, well he wasn't exactly Pollyanna. He was forever seeing the gloom in things, even when he was happy he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was used to his different moods and didn't think much of it.

Besides all that, in my mind I just couldn't imagine that a thing like cancer would hit so close to our family. Yes, you hear all of the statistics, but really that happens to other people, not to us. As I think of that last Halloween and how it represents his health quickly fading, I feel my stomach clench as I picture him slowly, walking next to me as I carried Caitlyn in my arms 4 years ago. Never would I have guessed that it would be our last one together. I feel ill as I realize that I still have to live through the memories of all of the other holidays that are right around the corner.

I feel ill because in my mind I do blame myself for not asking more questions when they kept diagnosing him with bronchitis, why didn't I make them do more tests when the antibiotics obviously weren't working? He was taking his first round of medicine that Halloween, I honestly expected him to get better. I am angry because I can't perfectly picture that night, I have images of Caitlyn her little witch costume and striped tights, I can see her tripping up the stairs, her trick-or-treat bag a little too big for her to carry, but what I can't see is John. Did he talk or was he in too much pain, did he have a good night or was he hurting too much to enjoy it, was I patient with his slower pace or did I get irritated? I don't know. I will never know because we aren't always given the gift of knowing when a loved one is going to die.

We always hear that we need to treasure every moment as if it were our last, always tell your loved ones how much you care because you never know when that final goodbye might come, enjoy your children's childhood because it disappears in a second. We hear those cliches but they don't really hit home until we send our baby off to college, we bury our loved ones in the ground and we lay in our hospital beds knowing that the days truly are numbered and we are too sick to enjoy them.

Is that part of my pain? Not only saying goodbye but knowing that with each year that goes by my days here are numbered as well. I focus every holiday season on making sure the kids have the best holiday ever, I focus on making sure that I stay happy and upbeat so that they don't have bad holiday memories of their mom who was always sad or crying, I focus on buying, buying, buying because after all retail therapy is a good temporary fix. And then New Years comes and I do my best to escape my house, go to a hotel with the kids so that I don't have to lay in my room and remember the very last time we ushered in a New Year together. I don't have to start counting down the days until we find out how sick he really is. But that escape can only last so long and despite my best intentions for THIS year to be the one when I finally get my shit together I eventually can't hold up the facade that all is well and I crash.

I can't fall apart, I can't cry, I can't scream or yell.... I hold it in. Bury the pain in mindless tasks and food. And just when I think I can't take it anymore, I finally am able to distract myself from the pain when the cold, gloomy weather turns warm and sunny. I can focus on summer vacations, swimming with the kids, camping, roadtrips, they are all a nice temporary fix until fall rolls around and the pain starts creeping into my mind and I find myself here desperately trying to pour the pain out through my fingers as they click and clack against the keyboard.

I don't want to continue this cycle again. I want to be done with mourning, I want to be done being sad, I want to be done with the guilt and anger and hate. Hopefully I am finally turning that corner. I have never put the pieces together in quite this way. As I write it, I find myself having a "duh" moment, why didn't I realize all of this before? Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I am just stupid, all I know is that I am not going to stop. I am not going to stop writing until I have emptied every last sad, crappy, negative thought. And when I am done doing that I am going to get rid of the anger and the hate and every other energy draining feeling. I am tired of letting these sad and depressing memories live in my head. I am strong, there is no doubt that I am strong but now it is time to use that strength to deal with the pain, and it is far beyond time that I use that strength to finally start living. Living in the present and not in the past.

So from here on out, I will work through the lifes' "tricks" and will truly make time for the "treats" that my life has to offer.

Letting Go

I have no idea how long it's been since the last time I blogged. I decided to not look at my old posts before writing again. I am pretty sure that this will be close to the last blog I wrote because I feel like I am in the same damn place. I have not been able to let go of the pain of losing John, and even more so the pain of finding out he was unfaithful and had another child with someone else shortly after Caitlyn was born. More times than not I wake up and will replay what I could have, should have done when I blindly ignored what was right in front of my face.

I don't know how to let go of the pain that is killing me inside because I don't know how to forgive. How do I forgive the man that I held in my arms as he took his last breath? How do I forgive the woman who was sleeping with my husband while pretending to be my friend? How do I let go of the bitterness and anger when I still feel so much towards them both?

I know, I know.... when you hold hate towards someone you are not only keeping them in your life but you are giving them more power than they deserve as well as keeping yourself at a standstill. I want to let go, I just don't know how. I am ready to move forward with my life but every time I try to confront the pain that eats me up I push it back down because I am so afraid that if I take it out to examine it, it will consume me even more than it already is.

So I have stopped writing and I continue to push the pain deeper and deeper inside. I don't know how else to confront what I am really feeling except through words. I don't have anyone to talk to, or should I say that I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't think that anyone could really understand what I am going through. I can't live with this pain anymore. I want to let it go, I want to let go of the anger.

I have so much anger, I scare myself sometimes.

How do you let go? When the person you are angry at is dead? How do you forgive someone who has hurt you more than you could ever imagine hurting? My life is going to be at a standstill until I figure out how to move on.

So I am going to write, I have no idea what I am going to write but I do know that I will purge it all out here. I have to let it go, I have to forgive. John is dead, he doesn't have to live with the consequences of his actions, the skank slut he slept with obviously has no morals so she isn't going to feel remorse for her actions, the "family and friends" who have turned their backs on the kids and I since John passed away obviously don't care so it is time for me to stop caring as well.

I don't think one post is going to fix this, I don't think that the want to let go is going to make it happen. But ignoring the situation is also not going to do much to get me past this anger and pain. So this is the start.

Day 1 to getting my life back.

Ok.... so about 15 minutes ago, right after writing the previous sentence, there was a loud CRACK and the power went out. No lights, no computer, nothing. It made me jump out of my chair! I am all about signs so the first thing I think, well after I think how thankful I am for Blogger's autosave, is that I need to get my ass in gear. Obviously, someone, somewhere agrees with what I have been writing and it is time to get off my ass and make shit happen.

So for today, my first day of however many it takes to work through all of the bullshit, I am going to get rid of the shit that I can actually see. No more clutter in my room, no more boxes of papers that need to be sorted through, no more piles of laundry that need my attention which distract me from the real issues in my life.

And isn't that really the issue? My life isn't being lived to the fullest. As long as I am carrying this extra emotional and physical (clutter, excess pounds, etc.) weight I will never be free to enjoy the life I am meant to live. I am so fucking sick of being sad I could SCREAM! But unfortunately, I am going to have to deal with the sad, and with the anger and all of the other bullshit before I can truly move on.

No more hiding. Time to take action, time to live. Wish me strength because I am going to need it!