Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Letting Go

I have no idea how long it's been since the last time I blogged. I decided to not look at my old posts before writing again. I am pretty sure that this will be close to the last blog I wrote because I feel like I am in the same damn place. I have not been able to let go of the pain of losing John, and even more so the pain of finding out he was unfaithful and had another child with someone else shortly after Caitlyn was born. More times than not I wake up and will replay what I could have, should have done when I blindly ignored what was right in front of my face.

I don't know how to let go of the pain that is killing me inside because I don't know how to forgive. How do I forgive the man that I held in my arms as he took his last breath? How do I forgive the woman who was sleeping with my husband while pretending to be my friend? How do I let go of the bitterness and anger when I still feel so much towards them both?

I know, I know.... when you hold hate towards someone you are not only keeping them in your life but you are giving them more power than they deserve as well as keeping yourself at a standstill. I want to let go, I just don't know how. I am ready to move forward with my life but every time I try to confront the pain that eats me up I push it back down because I am so afraid that if I take it out to examine it, it will consume me even more than it already is.

So I have stopped writing and I continue to push the pain deeper and deeper inside. I don't know how else to confront what I am really feeling except through words. I don't have anyone to talk to, or should I say that I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't think that anyone could really understand what I am going through. I can't live with this pain anymore. I want to let it go, I want to let go of the anger.

I have so much anger, I scare myself sometimes.

How do you let go? When the person you are angry at is dead? How do you forgive someone who has hurt you more than you could ever imagine hurting? My life is going to be at a standstill until I figure out how to move on.

So I am going to write, I have no idea what I am going to write but I do know that I will purge it all out here. I have to let it go, I have to forgive. John is dead, he doesn't have to live with the consequences of his actions, the skank slut he slept with obviously has no morals so she isn't going to feel remorse for her actions, the "family and friends" who have turned their backs on the kids and I since John passed away obviously don't care so it is time for me to stop caring as well.

I don't think one post is going to fix this, I don't think that the want to let go is going to make it happen. But ignoring the situation is also not going to do much to get me past this anger and pain. So this is the start.

Day 1 to getting my life back.

Ok.... so about 15 minutes ago, right after writing the previous sentence, there was a loud CRACK and the power went out. No lights, no computer, nothing. It made me jump out of my chair! I am all about signs so the first thing I think, well after I think how thankful I am for Blogger's autosave, is that I need to get my ass in gear. Obviously, someone, somewhere agrees with what I have been writing and it is time to get off my ass and make shit happen.

So for today, my first day of however many it takes to work through all of the bullshit, I am going to get rid of the shit that I can actually see. No more clutter in my room, no more boxes of papers that need to be sorted through, no more piles of laundry that need my attention which distract me from the real issues in my life.

And isn't that really the issue? My life isn't being lived to the fullest. As long as I am carrying this extra emotional and physical (clutter, excess pounds, etc.) weight I will never be free to enjoy the life I am meant to live. I am so fucking sick of being sad I could SCREAM! But unfortunately, I am going to have to deal with the sad, and with the anger and all of the other bullshit before I can truly move on.

No more hiding. Time to take action, time to live. Wish me strength because I am going to need it!

No comments:

 

Missing You Blogger Template