Just wanted to check in, I don't want another year to go by before I blog again. Not much going on, kids getting ready for Halloween and Christmas lists are already being made. It is crazy how fast the time goes by, it seems like just yesterday we were spending our summer days out at the pool and now we are almost a few months into the school year.
Looking forward to the weekend, nothing much going on but hoping to get some work done in the garage. This is the first summer that we haven't used it, I think I mostly just needed a break from looking at all of John's stuff. If it weren't for the kids I would box it all up and not have to look at it for quite some time but I know that the kids take comfort in seeing his stuff so I will just do my best to ignore it.
I still have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that I am completely lost. I have so many things to work through and I have no idea where to start. I know that this is not where I want to be, this person is not who I was meant to be. I find myself so angry at myself, am I really that weak of a person that I need another person to complete who I am?! I think that is why I am so afraid to date, I don't want to lose myself in another person. I want to find myself. Yes as cliche as that sounds it is true.
I am so sick of this sadness I wish I could rip it off of me and tear it into small little pieces. I wish I could chew them up and swallow them to be dissolved into nothing more than forgotten waste. The scary part is that I almost feel as if this sadness is all that I am... if it is gone then what is left? I am sick of being afraid, sick of being sad.... but knowing that I want to change is completely different from knowing what to do about it.
So I just keep pushing the words and thoughts around in my mind, hoping that at some point they will all make sense. That I will soon be able to look down and see the instructions on what it will take to put this behind me and finally move on. Because I know that I want to be ready to move on... I just need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap so that I can finally do so.
15 years ago
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2 comments:
There are always two sides to every story. I would contact the mother of your youngest step-child for more understanding and to help you heal. She may not be as bad as you make her sound to be. I don't think anyone would sleep with all of the employees at any job.
Anonymous.... why would I care to hear her side of the story? She pretended to be my friend, slept with my husband and left her child at my daycare for me to watch. Only a trashy, skanky, no class person would do something like that. There is nothing that she could say that would take away what she chose to do. And you are right she didn't sleep with all of the employees.... most of the employees were realted to her (it is a family owned business) but she did sleep with 90% of the other males that we worked with. Again... I know because she pretended to be my friend and told me about the men she slept with... well except for my husband... she didn't share that fact with me.
Anyway... I am not sure what your motivation for your comment was but I can't imagine any circumstance that would make me want to see or talk to that woman again. She is as dead to me as my husband is.
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