The Wiz

Went to see Britt last night in a family preview of Trollwood's The Wiz. It was an amazing show with great detail and the dancing was amazing! The new location is beautiful and is well worth the visit. Britt was great as a munchkin, flying monkey, cubbette and other dance/singing parts. The costumes were gorgeous and it was great to see The Wiz updated to a more modern feel. Tonight is opening night and there are plenty of show dates to choose from, if you haven't thought about it yet, I would definitely recommend you get tickets to see The Wiz!!

Still Coping...

So it's been awhile, I am still dealing with the pain from my last post. Some days are really, really good and other days are really, really crappy. Thankfully there are more good days than bad. The kids are enjoying a fun summer, swimming in the backyard and hanging out with friends. Brittany is busy with another intense summer of rehearsals for Trollwood, this year they are doing The Wiz, opening night is this Thursday! We are all very excited for that. Danielle has a new boyfriend who we all really like, he is a very nice boy. Anthony went fishing with his Grandpa Bill yesterday and also went to camp for the first time ever so he is enjoying summer very much. Caitlyn hasn't had many adventures but she seems to make her own and is excited to be going to the fair soon and starting kindergarten this fall... where in the world does the time go?!

I have been thankful for the support I have received from family and friends, and I appreciate the understanding when I just need some time to myself. I have so many days when I feel lost, I am trying not to let my anger at John change my memories of him and what we shared together but at the same time there are times when I feel like my entire marriage was a lie. I am thankful for JR who has really been my sounding board through all of this, I honestly don't know what I would have done without his friendship. I am still struggling to maintain a relationship with my other step-children, that seems to be hit and miss for the most part, more on the miss side right now but I am learning to not take it to heart as much.

So, obviously there is probably quite a bit more to share but again, feeling overwhelmed by all that has happened. Just wanted to check in and say that the kids are all great and I am maybe not great, but I am hanging in there.

At a loss...

So I have been rewriting this post in my head about a million times. Do I write it, do I not write it? In the end I decided to write it because the purpose of this blog is for me to get my feelings out and at the same time have some sort of path to look back on and see how I got from Here to There. My blogging has been sporadic and I hope to someday remedy that, but since it is mainly for me and I honestly don't even know if anyone reads this I will just continue to write here.

I made it through the one year anniversary of John's loss and really felt like I was going backward instead of forward. February and March were pretty much blurs of sadness. It felt like I was never going to heal, as if the rest of my life was going to be this continuing pit of feeling alone and lost. On March 31st, a Tuesday I went to bed so filled with sadness that I prayed to God, to John?, to anyone listening that I needed help to get past this sadness. I was so tired of feeling like I was just functioning but not living. I cried deep, sobbing cries, the pain was just eating me up and I finally had to let it out.

You know the saying..."Be careful what you wish for!" .... you have no idea how true that really is. The very next day, April Fool's day to be exact I found out that I was the biggest fool ever and I went from being sad to being so fucking angry I could hurt someone...or to be specific two someones. Apparently, my wonderful, loving, devoted husband wasn't as devoted as I thought. I received a letter telling me that my children's Social Security payments were being reduced because there was another child who was being claimed on John's account. A child born less than a year after Caitlyn my 4yr old was born. It took me about 20 minutes to process the information and realize it wasn't a mistake... and the second it sunk in I knew immediately who it was. Off on and on, from the very first moment I met this woman (John & I both worked for her father) I had this feeling that something wasn't right. Anytime I questioned it to John he would tell me that I was imagining things, and for whatever reasons I had I choose to ignore my gut instinct, that this woman was a danger to my marriage, and just blindly trust in the lies he fed me. Even as I come to terms with the truth, it is so hard to believe that he not only had an affair with the office slut (she slept with every single one of her father's employees) but he fucking got her pregnant!

There are no words to explain how angry, hurt and betrayed I feel. What pisses me off the most, is that the entire time I was telling him that I had this feeling that I couldn't trust this woman, he was telling me that she was a slut and that he would never think about touching her because who knew what sort of diseases she carried... and all along he was fucking her. All of the times that he would tell me that he loved me, all of the letters he wrote telling me that I was the love of his life, that I was the only woman he wanted, that he would be lost without me ...it was all a lie and I have to wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself? I don't know if this was a one time thing or an ongoing thing... I am pretty sure it was NOT a one time thing although the only person who could tell me would be the slut and I don't want to hear anything she has to say. In all honesty, does it really matter? Once or a hundred times.... it is all the same... my husband was a liar and a manipulator.

As I process all of this shit, one thought keeps coming into my mind...I feel as if he died all over again. Seriously, it is lucky for all concerned that he is already dead because I honestly don't know what I would have done if I would have found out while he was alive. He always made jokes about being afraid of my Hispanic temper... he should have been very afraid because I could beat the crap out of him right now. Here is the hard part, how is it possible to still love and mourn for someone that you now hate? And the real question is do I really hate him? I am still struggling with that, I want to hate him but I think I mostly hate myself. I fucking knew something wasn't right and I completely ignored it. And as much as I hate this situation, part of me is thankful for not finding out until after he was gone because the reality is that I would have left him and he would have died with this anger/hate between us and I would have been the one who had to live with that guilt. Because regardless if I knew or didn't know, he still would have got cancer, he still would have died...no one deserves to die alone.

So the sadness is still there but most of it has been replaced by anger. This anger is motivating me to do things that I should have done a long time ago but felt too guilty to do. It is hard to lose a spouse, someone who everyone including myself described as "the love of my life" and not feel guilty for being alive while they are gone. How could I ever date again knowing that it would be impossible to fill the shoes of my "one true love"? Notice the sarcasm here? Am I ready to date? Fuck no... it will be a long time before I will trust myself to find someone worth my time, but do I want to keep that option open? Yes! I am 36... my life is far from over, John may be dead but I am not and someday I hope to find someone to share my life with. Even before I knew this horrible truth about him, I knew that someday I would be ready to move on and every time I thought about it I felt guilty. Well guess what? The guilt is gone! I was able to remove all of his stuff from my room and am working on doing the same for the rest of the house. Wedding pictures of the two of us will soon be removed and they will be replaced by pictures of him with the kids. My wedding rings and the heart necklace he bought me are now in a box to be given to Caitlyn some day, his shirt that I have slept with for almost an entire year has now been boxed up along with the rest of his stuff. The anger motivated me to do all of those things that might have taken me years to do otherwise. For that I am thankful.

For the first time in over a year I feel free. I am not bound by mourning, I no longer feel the need to define myself as the grieving widow. I no longer feel honor bound to build him up and be his secret keeper. I can now see him as a man, a man that I still love, but one that was flawed and broken when I met him, a man that I made the choice to marry and love, a man who was human and not the superhero I made him out to be when he died. I am working on forgiving him his mistake, because that is what that slut and her child are, a mistake. I know how much he loved me, I know that with all his heart he wanted to be a better person for me and the kids, I know that the most important things in his life were me and our seven children... there was no place for her or even that child in that. When we found out he was dying his only concern was me and our kids, not once did he mention his mistake or her child, honestly I think he was somehow able to separate himself from that and from them, they never belonged to him, they were no part of him. Would I have respected him more if he would have confessed this to me before he died? Yes, but do I understand why he didn't? Of course, for the same reason why he lived with this lie for over two years. He loved me, he loved the kids and he didn't want us to hate him, he didn't want to lose us or the respect we had for him.

So how can someone who loved me so much do something so stupid? I am working on coming to terms with that, I don't like the fact that I ignored all of the signs, but I can live with that. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty about something that has NOTHING do do with me. He didn't sleep with the slut because there was something wrong with our marriage, he didn't sleep with her because I wasn't giving him enough love, or sex or understanding, he slept with the slut because he was sick. He had a sex addiction that I was aware of, that I did my best to understand, that I did my best to ignore because I felt that I would be enough. The problem with addictions is that there is never enough, it has nothing do with feelings or emotions or love, it is a sickness just as much as drug addiction or alcoholism. It doesn't take rocket science to draw the lines between growing up in a family effected by alcohol and marrying someone with another type of addiction. My entire life has been spent trying to fix people and things as a way of not dealing with what is really going on inside of myself. When someone doesn't need me to fix them, like my first husband who wasn't broken until our marriage ended, I question the relationship, if I wasn't there to fix it then did they even need me, what was my purpose? It also isn't too hard to understand that I found broken people in my life because I wanted to feel needed, I wanted to be the person to make everything right because that is my "job", that is how I have defined myself. So can I really blame John for fitting into the mold I needed him to fit into? Placing blame isn't going to take away the past so it really doesn't matter, what does matter is where I go from here.

I needed a wake up call and if I don't get it right this time then there is honestly no hope for me. I am now taking two BE classes, one to help me deal with this betrayal in my marriage, the loss of what my marriage was to me and grieving for John all over again, the second is for myself, to figure out how to make myself happy, to be happy with myself so that I don't gravitate towards another person that needs to be fixed. I have a lot of work to do but I have a lot of support and lots of blessing to be thankful for. I have so many people who believe in me and who have been there for me through all of this. I have every reason to get it right... and guess what? That is exactly what I am going to do!

Saying Good Bye

A year ago tonight were the last moments I had with John. I remember bringing him home from the hospital after his first chemo treatment, he was so tired and weak and not really himself. I remember begging him to try to eat something to keep up his strength. The only thing he could manage was a bit of toast and a few sips of chocolate milk. It was Danielle's birthday and he didn't have the strength to be part of her birthday celebration. After we cut Danielle's cake I went back in the room with him and spent most of the night with my arms around him. I remember trying to will all of my strength into his body, trying to give him enough strength to fight the cancer that in such a short time was already eating away at him.

I remember telling him not to talk, I just wanted him to save his energy for getting better, but as he dozed in and out of sleep I whispered to him again and again how much I loved him. As we drifted off to sleep with all of my many alarms set so that I could wake in the night to give him his medication and breathing treatments I remember trying to slow his sharp, shallow breaths to match mine, to infuse him with my deep calming breaths. If I could have found a way to enter his body and breathe for him I would have done it, but all I could do was pray. Those prayers were never answered. I awoke in the early morning hours to John telling me he couldn't breathe. I checked his oxygen and we talked for a few minutes, he said he had to go to the restroom. While he was gone I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew I woke to him standing at the foot of the bed telling me again that he couldn't breathe. Before I could react he collapsed on to the bed and as I begged him to talk to me, to start breathing, I called 911.

There was someone here almost instantly but what I can still picture is his face with one tear in the corner of his eye. They did everything they could but he was already gone. In that moment my entire life changed. At that moment it fell as if it had completely shattered and I guess in many ways it had but I have also realized in the past year that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Not that I haven't had my weak points, not that I haven't totally lost it and fell into complete and utter despair, but no matter how low my lowest moments were I never completely gave up. How could I? I have 4 kids that need me, that depend on me, that are looking to me to show them how to continue going on.

So that is the purpose of this post, a way of saying goodbye to John. Not that I won't write about him again or not that he still won't be in my heart, but as a way to remember not just how he died but how he lived. He was such an amazing friend, husband and father. He had such a crazy sense of humor and no matter how down I was he could always make me laugh. His sense of humor was as morbid as mine which is what made us such a great couple. When I was being completely bitchy and snarky...he was always amused and completely understood were I was coming from. At the same time, he never hesitated to let me know when I was being unreasonable and in so many ways we balanced each other out.

When we first got together I'm not sure if either of us expected to fall in love so quickly. We met at work and became instant friends. In a very short time we would spend hours just talking, about our pasts about the people in our lives, about where we wanted to go in life and what we found to be most important. I don't think we really thought too much about where we were going together, it just sort of happened. Not that I made it easy for him, poor John had to propose 4 times before I finally gave him a definite yes...not that I didn't want to marry him, but I wanted my next marriage to be for life and I wanted to make sure that we both knew what we were doing. Plus I wanted his final proposal to be one we could share with our grandkids, unlike the first one which happened after a night of drinking with friends! We had a beautiful outdoor wedding which started out amid a sky of dark, gloomy rain clouds. Even though it was pouring rain I insisted that it had to be outside, so we huddled all of our guests under a large canopy and said our vows in the pouring rain. All were surprised when shortly after our ceremony the rain stopped, the sky cleared up and the sun brightened the rest of the day to help us celebrate not only our wedding but the 4th of July.

Our wedding was a great example of how our life together was. No matter how many storms came our way, and believe me there were many, we always stood together. The stronger the storm the stronger we stood because we knew together there wasn't anything we couldn't handle. Even though we were both stubborn, control freaks we both wanted the same simple things. A home for our family, to be the best parents we could be and to provide the best life for our children as we possibly could. When I look at our children and think back to the many great memories that we had together I know that we did pretty damned good at those things. Money was something we didn't always have in abundance but there was always enough for the things that mattered and along the way we still managed to make the memories that are the most important. Birthday parties, family game nights, poker nights, card nights, fairs, circuses, plays, eating out, movie nights, holiday meals, late night flashlight tag, haunted houses, road trips, fishing, going to the lake, trick-or-treating, Easter egg hunts in the middle of the night, school concerts, conferences, family meals all around the table, family meetings that started with us scolding and ended with us all laughing, books read, homework help, Spyro & Final Fantasy marathons, miniature golf, swimming pools, playing in the rain, building snowmen, Saturday morning donut runs, going to church, doing puzzles, going on walks, bike riding.... honestly the list could go on and on. The main ingredient to all of those amazing memories is that we were all together.

If John wasn't at work he was always with us. He sometimes complained about the things I would drag him to, for example he was not a big fan of the circus, but he was always the first one to start buying the snow cones and the cotton candy. He would get such a huge smile on his face when the kids were having a good time. As I look back I guess that is what I miss the most about him. His joy for living, his pleasure in the simple things in life and how no matter how tired he was from work he would still come home and give 100% to his family. Never did he decide to go to the bar and have a beer with friends, not that he couldn't have, not that I didn't encourage him to do so, but because the only place he wanted to be was home with his family. He took the time to read books to the kids, to hear about their day, he took a real interest in everything they did and enjoyed nothing more than to brag about their accomplishments in school.

I suppose I could sit here forever sharing all of the beautiful memories that we had. That is what makes this so hard. I think about our beautiful children, about our 4 year old who was cheated out of more time with her wonderful dad. I will do everything I can to keep those memories alive for the kids and I am doing everything I can to continue living the life I know he wanted us to have. But it is so fucking hard....it is hard to once again be a single mom, it is hard to sit around the table for meals to see his glaringly empty chair, it is hard to read all of the bedtime fairy tales, do all of the homework, and not have someone there to share it with you. It is hard to go to the plays and the concerts and dance shows and not have someone there to share in those joys as only a parent can. It is hard to sit in church and picture him holding the little one as he sang loudly off key in her ear to make her giggle. It sucks to sit in an empty room surrounded by pictures and memories with tears streaming down my face knowing that he is really gone.

I think about this past year without him and it has been such a blurr. I can't believe he has really been gone a year because it seems like just yesterday we were sitting in his garage, listening to classic rock blasting from his stereo, as we played cards just the two of us, watching a thunderstorm through the open door. I am so afraid that these memories will dim, that all that he was to me and the kids will somehow disappear. I know in my mind that I will never let that happen but in my heart I am scared that I will forget the bits and pieces that weren't significant in themselves but as a whole they made up who we were together and what we shared as a family.

As I say goodbye to this first year of mourning I find myself afraid to move forward. I want to work through my grief, I can feel the slivers of hope in my heart that I will find a purpose other than just getting through the pain. I am ready to move past this storm but at the same time I am afraid that if I just look to the future looking for rainbows I will miss the beauty in the dark sky that make it possible for the rainbows to appear. I want to be happy again, not just for a moment here or there, but for all of the ones in between. I want to sit around the table again as a family, something the we have only done sporadically since John passed away. I want to clear the clutter out of my bedroom and make it my own again, I want to start focusing on the joys and not just on what I have lost. I want to learn once again, and in some ways for the very first time, who I am as a person, someone who is not just a mom, not just a wife. I want to take the beauty of all that I had with John and once again start living..not just functioning but truly living.

Tomorrow I want to spend the day with the kids remembering John but I also want to take the time for myself to think about what it is I want and where I want to go from here. I don't know what the next year will bring but I am determined that when next year comes I will be writing about all of the amazing things I have done in the past year, posting pictures not of memories gone by but of those in the moment that are wonderful, spectacular and amazing that can only be experienced by truly living.


Goodbye John, thank you for all of the love and joy you brought into our lives. You will always be loved and remembered.

Like everyone else I was tagged on Facebook to write 25 Random Things about myself which is harder than it sounds! After all that work I figured I would share them here as well. My posts lately have been on the sad, serious side and figured it could use some lightening up. If you have a 25 Random Things floating around somewhere please comment so that I can read yours as well.


25. I love to fill out random surveys and questionnaires...I know everyone is most likely sick of them and most likely don't even read them but I can't help myself...it's an impulse I can't seem to control.

24. I sometimes write letters to my deceased husband on MySpace because publishing it online makes me feel like he can somehow read it.

23. I am a sucker for new household cleaning products, as soon as I see something new I have to buy it despite the fact that I hate cleaning house.

22. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness which meant no birthdays or holidays, when my parents left the church I had my very first birthday party at 16.

21. I have stacks of greeting cards that I have purchased for people that have never been filled out or sent out and when an event comes up I never use those cards I always buy new ones that don't get sent to add to the pile.

20. I have had the same online blog since November 1, 2000.

19. My favorite ice cream is Ben & Jerry's Phish food which my kids know when purchased, which is rarely, to not even ask for a bite because I won't share.

18. I apparently failed the number one lesson in kindergarten... see #19 ... because I HATE to share.

17. I prefer hard liquor over beer although will occasionally drink wine and I would never drink anything frozen that has a cute little umbrella in it... the only exception being of course margaritas (minus the umbrella).

16. When I was 15 I worked at a Chinese restaurant and was shocked to see Cindy Crawford (my idol at the time) eating there, I was too embarrassed to ask her for an autograph but was beyond excited when she asked me to go outside with her and her friends and take their picture in front of the building.. which thinking about it now was weird cause it was an ugly building not to mention we were in Cheyenne, Wyoming!?

15. I have always dreamed about writing a book but have never attempted it because I am scared to death that it would suck and no one would read it, well except my mom and grandmother but that doesn't count!

14. I hate cartoons...all of them... even the Disney ones.

13. I love PostSecret and have a few secrets that I would never share here that maybe someday I will mail to them.

12. I play on my 4yr old's Webkinz account "because she is too young" but I think when she is old enough to play on her own I will still play on her account.

11. I will be getting my first (and probably only) tattoo on July 4th in memory of my husband which is also our wedding anniversary.

10. I hate that facebook doesn't have spell check and often copy/paste my notes/messages to Word so that I can check the spelling before I post.

9. I have watched just about every episode of Charmed & Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

8. When I was a preschooler my dad would take me rabbit hunting in the Colorado mountains, once he left me to sit and wait for him while he hiked an area that would be too hard for me and when he came back I was having a tea party with the dead rabbits.

7. I have been in love with George Michael since his WHAM days and I still refuse to believe that he is gay.

6. I can't sing to save my life and am always amazed by my daughters' beautiful singing voices cause I have no idea where they got that talent from.

5. When my daughters were in girl scouts I didn't even attempt to sew their badges on their vests/sashes instead I just hot glued them into place.

4. I don't really love to scrapbook, too messy and time consuming, but I have sometimes put it down as a hobby in profiles because I can't think of anything else.

3. I am fascinated with all things Irish which is strange considering I am Hispanic and sometimes wish my husbands last name would have been O'Sullivan instead of just Sullivan.

2. I still enjoy coloring in coloring books and playing with play-dough and find those things to be my favorite part of running a home daycare.

1. I have the horrible habit of leaving the cupboard doors open when I am in the kitchen...something that drove both of my husbands insane.

A day that will forever be remembered in history and I find myself wondering what John would think if he were alive to see this. I know that he would have been excited as I am to see Obama take office. I find myself on twitter and CNN's Live stream and know that millions of people around the world are watching live and the one person I would love to share this day with is no longer here.

I wonder how many more events will bring me to this moment of wanting more than anything to share this with my best friend. Of course there are the personal days, like graduations, weddings, grandchildren being born...those are a given that I will want more than anything to have John next to me to share those moments but I am surprised how much I find myself wanting to talk to him today. To hear his thoughts on such a historical day.

At the same time there is a feeling of sadness as I realize that life goes on. Not just the small events of every day life, but the huge, historical moments that he will never be a part of and yet I have no choice but to continue living my life because as much as you don't want it to - time continues to pass and bring with it continual change. I think the sadness is partly from the feelings of excitement I have at such a huge change for our country and the knowledge that John will never be a part of this time with me.

Last night at my BE support group I had a bit of an epiphany in hearing the statement... "You are You.. You are not your marriage." And yet that is how I have felt defined, first by my children and secondly by my marriage...I am still a mom but I am no longer a wife and I realize that I don't know how to define myself without that connection...and if I don't figure out how to do that where will that leave me when the kids all grow up and I am left alone? I also realized that I am still holding on to many ties to John that I am not sure when I will be ready to let go. I am still wearing my wedding rings and still feel married, I still find myself talking to John and when I have to fill out a relationship status I find myself marking "married" if "widowed" is not available because the thought of marking myself as "single" isn't even possible right now. At the same time I know that as I work through my grief those ties will soon start to unravel to the point that they will no longer be there. One day I will wake up and be ready to take off my wedding rings and place them in a box, I will no longer fall asleep whispering an "I love you and miss you" to John in the dark, emptiness of a lonely bed, I will no longer be afraid to mark the "single" box and I will no longer feel married.

I don't know when that day will come but I do know that it is out there and I know that when I reach that day the person who would be the proudest of me will be John. He might not be here in the every day moments but I believe with all my heart that his love and presence are still with me and I know that he will be ready for me to let him go, when I the time comes that I am ready to let him go.

So I will continue with my day, I will no doubt cry as I listen to our new Presidents speech and I will listen to the kids excitement as they come home from school, I will make dinner and spend the night watching Inauguration coverage on tv. I will give my thoughts and prayers to our President and our nation for change to really be here and although part of me is sad for my own personal loss of a great husband another part of me is also feeling happiness and excitement over what the future will bring.

Hard to believe that in less than a month it will have been one year since John has been gone. I find myself dwelling on the dates, remembering what it was we were doing at this time a year ago. I keep remembering how sick John was with what the doctor told us was only bronchitis. We were both tired of him being sick and doing our best to not let our minds dwell on the fact that he wasn't getting better. Not once did I imagine that he would die from being sick, it seriously never crossed my mind.

Looking back I find myself questioning why I didn't suspect how serious it was, how could I not have known how sick he was? Part of me feels that I was afraid to acknowledge the possibility that there was something more going on than a simple cold he couldn't shake and another part of me wonders if because I always thought of him as strong and never let myself think about my life without him that I truly never imagined that anything could happen to him.

I try to not beat myself up with the "what ifs" because these do nothing but make me feel worse at a time that is already hard enough to deal with. I am thankful that I am now in counseling and I am also thankful that my BE (Beginning Experience) group will be meeting again next week. I am going to need all of the support I can get in the next few weeks.

As much as I try to prepare myself for the pain that is inevitable, I also feel like I don't want to spend the next few weeks dwelling on my pain and loss because as much as I would like to go to bed and sleep until Jan. 2nd passes me by, that just isn't an option, and I don't see the point in completely draining myself with sadness. So that is why I am doing my best to focus on the positives in my life. When John first passed away I did my best to write down 5 things I was grateful for every day. I haven't done that on a regular basis lately and would like to start getting back into the habit.

In that same spirit I have also joined (as of today) 29Gifts.org as a way to focus some of my energy away from myself and to give back to others out of thankfulness to all of the people who have been there for me and the kids this past year. I am looking forward to giving my first gift and excited to see what the next 29 days will bring.

Christmas vacation is officialy over. The kids are back in school and we are back to our old routine. We made it through our first Christmas without John ok, although for me I think the days after Christmas were the hardest. There was so much to do to get ready for Christmas that it must have kept me distracted enough that I wasn't as sad as I was worried I was going to be.

Although Christmas Eve was very hard, we went to John's sister's house and it was very strange to be there celebrating Christmas without him. John's kids didn't show up, but that wasn't a surprise. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that they don't wish to have a relationship with myself or my kids. It has been hard for me to get to this point but I am finally okay with that. When we got home it was also hard to do all of the Christmas Eve stuff that John and I used to do together. Putting out the Santa gifts by myself after the kids were all in bed was very hard and I broke down crying several times. When I finally went to bed I had a good cry and I think that helped me to get through Christmas Day.

We enjoyed a great day together, the kids opened their gifts and we had fun playing their new games. Although Caitlyn was a bit disappointed that the doll house that she asked Santa for came from me instead of from Santa. Santa brought her some nice toys but there really wasn't room in his sleigh for her doll house so I bought it for her instead. I tried to explain that Santa is my friend too and that I like to help him get her special gifts as well... she was still upset that Santa didn't bring it for her... disillusioned at 4... but I guess losing your daddy at such a young age will do that to you.

Despite that setback, the rest of the day was fun. I think my favorite memory of the day was seeing the excitement in Caitlyn's face when Anthony opened up the gifts that she had picked out and wrapped for him all by herself. She was bouncing up and down in her excitement to see his reaction to the great gifts she picked out which made me realize that giving truely is better than receiving.

New Years Eve was hard but the kids and I did our best to have a great time. Brittany went to a party with Josh but the rest of us stayed home and played games and watched movies. It was pretty much what we did last year, except for last year John was already so sick that he spent most of the evening in bed. I remember we moved the games into our bedroom so that he didn't miss out on the party and him and Caitlyn read books together and they both fell asleep before midnight inspite of all the noise the rest of us made playing Guitar Hero and Singing Star.

Besides remembering how sick he was I also remember it as the last time that we made love. Although he was sleeping when I finally went to bed his son called because he had been drinking and need a ride home. John drove him home about 3am and when he came back home we were both awake, we cuddled in bed and made love.... never imagining that it would be for the very last time.

So once again I get through the hard times with bitter sweet memories, so thankful for all of the wonderful memories of John but at the same time missing him so much that I have this unbearable ache deep inside. I know that my grief is getting better, I don't cry every day and I can think of him and talk about him without completely breaking down, but at the same time there are moments that hurt so much that I feel as if I am reliving the day he died again and again. I am dreading February 2nd, I am not ready for this first year of mourning to be done, I want to hold on to him and somehow it feels as if I will be letting him go once we reach that mark.

I do know that healing has taken place in many ways, the kids and I are pretty much used to life on our own, the empty spaces left by John's death and the distance from the stepkids are getting filled with new memories and new friendships. I find myself looking towards 2009 with hope that this year will be ok, there are many things to look forward to and I refuse to let my pain take over my life. Brittany will graduate in May, my uncle and grandmother are hoping to visit this year, there will soon be another spring and another summer and with that even more memories to be made.

You never know what life has in store for you but in reflecting back on 2008 I know that no matter what it brings I will have the strength and grace to handle whatever comes my way. At this point I guess I can't ask for more than that.