Hard to believe that in less than a month it will have been one year since John has been gone. I find myself dwelling on the dates, remembering what it was we were doing at this time a year ago. I keep remembering how sick John was with what the doctor told us was only bronchitis. We were both tired of him being sick and doing our best to not let our minds dwell on the fact that he wasn't getting better. Not once did I imagine that he would die from being sick, it seriously never crossed my mind.

Looking back I find myself questioning why I didn't suspect how serious it was, how could I not have known how sick he was? Part of me feels that I was afraid to acknowledge the possibility that there was something more going on than a simple cold he couldn't shake and another part of me wonders if because I always thought of him as strong and never let myself think about my life without him that I truly never imagined that anything could happen to him.

I try to not beat myself up with the "what ifs" because these do nothing but make me feel worse at a time that is already hard enough to deal with. I am thankful that I am now in counseling and I am also thankful that my BE (Beginning Experience) group will be meeting again next week. I am going to need all of the support I can get in the next few weeks.

As much as I try to prepare myself for the pain that is inevitable, I also feel like I don't want to spend the next few weeks dwelling on my pain and loss because as much as I would like to go to bed and sleep until Jan. 2nd passes me by, that just isn't an option, and I don't see the point in completely draining myself with sadness. So that is why I am doing my best to focus on the positives in my life. When John first passed away I did my best to write down 5 things I was grateful for every day. I haven't done that on a regular basis lately and would like to start getting back into the habit.

In that same spirit I have also joined (as of today) 29Gifts.org as a way to focus some of my energy away from myself and to give back to others out of thankfulness to all of the people who have been there for me and the kids this past year. I am looking forward to giving my first gift and excited to see what the next 29 days will bring.