A day that will forever be remembered in history and I find myself wondering what John would think if he were alive to see this. I know that he would have been excited as I am to see Obama take office. I find myself on twitter and CNN's Live stream and know that millions of people around the world are watching live and the one person I would love to share this day with is no longer here.

I wonder how many more events will bring me to this moment of wanting more than anything to share this with my best friend. Of course there are the personal days, like graduations, weddings, grandchildren being born...those are a given that I will want more than anything to have John next to me to share those moments but I am surprised how much I find myself wanting to talk to him today. To hear his thoughts on such a historical day.

At the same time there is a feeling of sadness as I realize that life goes on. Not just the small events of every day life, but the huge, historical moments that he will never be a part of and yet I have no choice but to continue living my life because as much as you don't want it to - time continues to pass and bring with it continual change. I think the sadness is partly from the feelings of excitement I have at such a huge change for our country and the knowledge that John will never be a part of this time with me.

Last night at my BE support group I had a bit of an epiphany in hearing the statement... "You are You.. You are not your marriage." And yet that is how I have felt defined, first by my children and secondly by my marriage...I am still a mom but I am no longer a wife and I realize that I don't know how to define myself without that connection...and if I don't figure out how to do that where will that leave me when the kids all grow up and I am left alone? I also realized that I am still holding on to many ties to John that I am not sure when I will be ready to let go. I am still wearing my wedding rings and still feel married, I still find myself talking to John and when I have to fill out a relationship status I find myself marking "married" if "widowed" is not available because the thought of marking myself as "single" isn't even possible right now. At the same time I know that as I work through my grief those ties will soon start to unravel to the point that they will no longer be there. One day I will wake up and be ready to take off my wedding rings and place them in a box, I will no longer fall asleep whispering an "I love you and miss you" to John in the dark, emptiness of a lonely bed, I will no longer be afraid to mark the "single" box and I will no longer feel married.

I don't know when that day will come but I do know that it is out there and I know that when I reach that day the person who would be the proudest of me will be John. He might not be here in the every day moments but I believe with all my heart that his love and presence are still with me and I know that he will be ready for me to let him go, when I the time comes that I am ready to let him go.

So I will continue with my day, I will no doubt cry as I listen to our new Presidents speech and I will listen to the kids excitement as they come home from school, I will make dinner and spend the night watching Inauguration coverage on tv. I will give my thoughts and prayers to our President and our nation for change to really be here and although part of me is sad for my own personal loss of a great husband another part of me is also feeling happiness and excitement over what the future will bring.