Who needs friends

While shopping this evening I ran into an acquaintance from the divorced/widowed support group I was part of shortly after John passed away whom I hadn't seen in a very long time. I say she is an acquaintance because I honestly don't know how I feel about the word "friend". I have never had much luck with friendships, my most recent one ended up with her accusing me of having an affair with her husband which came completely out of nowhere. I was very upset for having been accused but said nothing to defend myself because if she were truly a friend she would know better than to accuse me of that especially after what I have gone through in regards to John being unfaithful. There is only one person in this world that I would wish that on and I doubt if the slut who had an affair with my husband will ever find someone stupid enough to marry her.

But that is besides the point, the point is that I just didn't have the energy to care enough to try to make her see how stupid she was acting. The reason her marriage fell apart had nothing to do with me or any other outside person. I would guess that it had more to do with her own actions and the stress of marrying a man who had never had kids and suddenly giving him a family of pre-teens who were a handful.... to put it as nicely as possible.

By the time this accusation came around, I honestly didn't care enough to invest even the breath it would have taken to try to fix the situation. Let her believe what she wishes.... the "friendship" was obviously a joke and I didn't really care enough to go through the trouble of cutting the ties. After John died, so many of my relationships fell to the wayside.... did it really matter that there was one more?

I know that having friends is important and when I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself I do wish that I had an adult friend to share things with but then I realize that having a friendship would take time and my time and energy feel stretched so thin right now that I just can't imagine having anything more to give to anyone other than my kids. Is it fair to seek a friendship when I know that it would be extremely one-sided due to a lack of interest on my part? Right now, my mind is so wrapped around all of my own sadness and pain that it is hard for me to let others in because I feel too fragile to dare risk any more pain. Can you really have a friendship if you are so busy putting up walls that prevent others from really getting to know you?

John was my best friend and I never imagined him doing anything to hurt me as much as I am now hurting. If you can't trust the one person you have pledged your heart, life and soul to.... who can you trust? And then when that trust is broken, when you bury the pieces of your former life in a little box, can you ever really be whole enough to let others in?

I want to have friends, but I also want to make sure that I am ready to be a friend before I really pursue any further relationships. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends, good friends who have been very patient with my distance as I try to put myself together. I also have would-be-friends who have reached out to me, even as I build those hard to scale walls around me. Sadly, I still feel too raw to let anyone too close, I still need these walls to protect me from more pain than I can handle.

I just hope that when I get to the point that I am ready to let people in, there will still be people around who care enough to still want to be my friend. As to the acquaintance I mentioned earlier, in my heart you are more than an acquaintance, you are my friend, I am just not very good at showing it. I hope that you were able to see that in my eyes when I walked away. I am still so very sad.... I don't want to burden anyone else with this sadness.... but please don't give up on me. I am hoping that very soon, I will be ready to accept the friendship you have extended to me time and time again.... I just hope that at that point, it won't be too late.