I have noticed that sometimes when there is a lot going on I have a hard time blogging. Everything with me is fine but there is just a lot going on. My mother is driving me crazy as she tries to get ready for the invasion of all of her relatives at the end of the month. I say let them rent a hotel room but no, she has to buy new beds, which means new comforters, curtains, etc. And then after she buys stuff for the guestrooms she decides that her own bedroom set isn't good enough so she has to redo that. Then she has to do redo her bathroom which means that she has to redo the two guest bathrooms. Storage closets that these people will never see are being cleaned, photographs which have always been stored in boxes for as long as I can remember must now be arranged into photo albums. I will admit that my children have been bad at leaving stuff there and I will admit that I never felt the urge to take all of their stuff to my house. My house is little and houses 5 people, her house is huge with 5 bedrooms, family room, pool room, 3 bathrooms, etc and only houses 2 people. Of course it is now urgent to get all of the kids stuff out of her house which is now sitting in the garage waiting for me to go through it and hold a garage sale. I am dreading that......I hate garage sales. What was going to be just a week of my mom's youngest sister and her girlfriend visiting has now turned into all 3 of her sisters visiting as well as my uncle and his girlfriend. I don't know any of them very well, and when I am around them I always feel very uncomfortable. They usually speak in spanish which I don't understand and talk of a past that has nothing to do with me. I know it is selfish of me but I am hoping to be there as little as possible. I know my mom is upset at my lack of excitement over their visit but I can't help it. I dread the drinking that these sort of reunions require. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear but I have a feeling it will be worse.

Another thing on my mind is the girls. Something is going on with their dad and I don't know if I should ask him about it or not. The girls have called me a few times and thankfully they sound happy and are having lots of fun. What worries me is that they are staying at their aunts house......with their dad.....without their stepmom. Last summer things were pretty tense there. The girls (mostly Danielle) had a miserable time and didn't relate to their stepmom very well. I know Danielle made her (the stepmom) cry a few times and things weren't so great which to me is understandable considering it was their first summer with her married to their dad and on her part she has never had children before. I figured they would all adjust to each other. So I am concerned to find out that the girls have been staying at their aunts house and from what I can understand they haven't seen their stepmom at all. I have had feelings for awhile, from things that Jorge (my ex) would tell me, that something was going on but I assumed that they would work it out. What bothered me about them staying with their aunt was that Jorge never told me so if I had needed to contact the girls I wouldn't have known where to find them. Why would he not tell me?

I decided to not worry about it, maybe after last summer Jorge just wanted time alone with the girls before they went head to head with his wife again. So when I got a call from the girls yesterday imagine my surprise to hear that they were at Disneyland with Jorge and a little girl younger than Danielle and her mom. No one else was there. Sounds like a date to me. Is it any of my concern? Hell if I know. I guess not, except for the fact that he should tell me if he has moved out of his apartment with his wife so that I know how to contact him regarding the girls. The more I thought about it though the more it pissed me off. When Jorge and I divorced I took the complete blame on my shoulders. I wanted to end the marriage and although I never cheated on Jorge while we were married, when I finally asked for a divorce and he knew that the marriage was over I did fly to Arizona to go away with a man. (long story) In my mind and in my heart I was not cheating because to me my marriage was long since over. To Jorge I had committed a horrendous thing that would never be forgiven. I have lived with that guilt for so long, I carry it with me every day. I know that the divorce was the right thing to do but hurting Jorge was unforgivable. So now the tables are turned. He is the one turning away from an unhappy marriage, he is the one who I am assuming is leaving his wife and is now with someone else. Is it wrong of me to want to hear it from him? I want so much for him to admit that he is human. He is not perfect and that what I did wasn't as bad as I was made to feel. I more than anything else want him to be happy, he deserves to find someone to share his life with, someone he can love and respect. I hope that is what he found.......and yet I want to hear him admit that sometimes in order to be happy you have to hurt those you might not want to hurt. What a strange situation to be in. As the mother to his children do I have the right to ask about his personal life? As his friend do I have the right to know? As his ex wife is it none of my business? Damn it, why do I have the feeling that there is more going on here than I know? I hate not knowing!!