I have spent too much time here reading over old posts. Looking for any mention of John, trying to relive the past eight years through the memories I have left here online. He was so much a part of my life, how in the world can you live a lifetime together in only eight years. He was so sweet and kind and patient and as I read over old posts I am saddened by how much I took for granted. The sweet little things that he did on a daily basis, the private intimate moments that I will always cherish, he was so much a part of my life I can't imagine how I will ever stop hurting. I am afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop and my heart hurts so bad I feel as if I can't breathe. I feel very lucky to have had these past eight years, I am so very thankful to have Caitlyn - his little princess - a child made from our love for eachother, I am thankful for the past two years when his older children came into our life, I am thankful for every moment we have shared and yet it isn't even close to being enough. I don't know if writing here will be helpful, I hope that sharing my feelings here will keep me from losing my mind which I am in fear of losing as I try to cope with the loss of my best friend, the love of my life.

John's kids have been there for me but it is so hard to see his sons and not see him in them. The way they stand, laugh, talk, smile, he is so much a part of them and it hurts to know that I will never see him again, hold him, kiss him, make love to him. How in the world do you go forward when the person who kept you going is no longer here.

The day of John's funeral was a few days ago, it was hard and I feel emotionally drained. ViAnnah (John's daughter) and Brandyn (her boyfriend) came to spend the night with me and the kids. We planned to watch sad, depressing movies because I just want to cry and let all of these tears out that don't seem to be able to fall. Anyway, Vi took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She is in shock but happy...Brandyn is in shock and scared (In his words..."Oh Man")...and I am happy for them but sad that John won't be a part of it. Brandyn and Vi have been a huge support and have spent majority of the weekend here but of course Monday will be here soon enough and I will start the 1st day of the rest of my life alone. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but honestly, I can't imagine ever loving anyone again the way I loved John. He was perfect for me, the other half of me, the sort of love that every girl dreams of and every woman longs for. I was lucky enough to find it once I am not holding my breath on ever having it again.

So I have made a commitment to myself. I want to lose weight, too many years of John's amazing cooking have settled on my stomach and hips and when he was in the hospital we both commited to taking better care of ourselves for the sake of the kids. Well, that commit falls to me alone and as their only parent it is even more important that I get healthy. I have started the slimfast plan because it is simple and doesn't require much thought or planning. I need to get batteries to weigh myself and I will post here as to my progress. It is important to me that I get in shape and look better, when I was with John it didn't matter because his love for me was beyond outside appearances but now how I look feels even more important. I don't want anyone to look at me and think...that poor widow, all alone and with the way she looks she is going to stay that way. Instead I want people to look at me and think...wow...she looks incredible...we would set her up with this handsome, rich, single friend of ours, but since she is so devoted to her husbands memory and her children she chooses not to date. Ha...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't want people to pity me I want them to see that I am strong and that I choose to be alone not because my husband has passed away and no one else would ever want me but because my love for him was so deep that no one else could ever measure up.
I think back to my single years before John and they were pretty miserable. I was so lonely and wanted so much to be loved, I settled for Eddie who was an ass and treated me like shit. I will never settle again but at the same time I fear my lonliness will get to me and I will dishonor my husbands memory by settling for the first idiot who notices me. I know in my head that I will never allow that to happen but my heart is scared and my soul is yearning for someone to love. Not just anyone, but John...my sweet, amazing husband who made me so happy I felt as if I was delirious, the one person who knew every part of me inside and out and who loved me as no other ever has. I am 34 years old...the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me but the thought of settling for someone who I don't really love scares me even more. I want to be alone on my terms because I choose to be alone but I don't want to be alone because no one else would want me. So this is my journey, where it will take me I have no idea but I hope that by writing down my thoughts, hope and sorrows I will start to heal from the biggest loss of my life.
I love you John and I always will.