Saturday, February 16, 2008

Today was a long, draining day. I went to see P.S. I Love You with Rocky, Ver, and Kristy this afternoon. I read the book a few years ago so I knew what it was about, in fact John and I had talked about going to see it when it first came out. Well, I just have to say that I am so glad I went. I sometimes have a hard time dealing with wanting to cry, I am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Well, in this case the tears were mingled with laughter and it was a very theraputic experience. There were parts that had me sobbing and there were parts that freaked me out because they were similar. John was of course Irish (although he didn't have that sexy accent) and he was silly and would sing way off key. He loved to dance and always knew how to make me laugh. The scene in the karoke bar had me crying because the last time we went out as a couple was to a karoke bar. We both always talked about going to Ireland together, in fact when we first started dating that was one of the first things we found we had in common, we both have always wanted to go to Ireland. Some of the scenes with the mother were similar and well there were a few more things. Mostly it was just the words, her feeling of having him hold her in bed, her feeling him close, turning to wake him up and finding him not there, I am sure that anyone who has lost a spouse would completely relate to this movie. At the end I sobbed because many of the things that were in the last letter were things that John said to me before he died. His sister told me that the letters would have been something John would have done if he would have had more time. I agree and although it would be nice to get a letter from him it would also be extremely hard, I fall apart as it is when I come across an old grocery list in his hand writing.

After the movie we went out to eat and we talked for quite some time. It was nice to be able to talk to his sisters and get insight into the years before I was part of his life. I can't even put into words what we shared because we talked for quite some time, I am just thankful that we were there together and I am sure that we will be doing that again soon.

I had a call from ViAnnah as we were leaving the restaurant and she was upset with Brandyn and asked us to take her to the emergency room. I talked to her a bit ago and she sounds fine and they didn't find anything wrong so I am sure that it is just stress. Hopefully she doesn't let her hormones get the best of her and I hope that all is well with her and the baby for the next 8 months or so. I did have a breakdown when we took her to the emergency room. She lives right across the street from the hospital where John found out he had cancer and also where they took him before they pronounced him dead. I was in a hurry to get her to the doctor because I promised Britt I would be at her play tonight. So it wasn't until we walked into the emergency room that it hit me where we were. I walked her inside, she got registered and when we walked into the waiting room I freaked out. I had to run outside and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. When John left the hospital we had to leave out of the emergency exit because the main doors were locked and a few days later after he collapsed at home the ambulance took him back to that same hospital. John's sisters found me outside crying and we talked about how hard it was to be there. Rocky showed me where the ambulance came through and she told me that she seen me stand there and kiss him as they wheeled him out of the ambulance. I didn't know anyone had seen that, that was the last time that I was able to kiss his warm face even though in my heart I knew that he was gone. I finally pulled myself together and we went back inside only to go back to a room with ViAnnah which was right next to the room where we saw John after he was declared dead. It was very hard but at the same time the tears felt healing and I suppose it is all part of the process. Maybe it was better to get it out of the way instead of waiting until years later and falling apart out of the blue.

Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. But of course I couldn't do that because I still had to go to Brittany's play. So I got home, took a quick shower and made it just in time. Thankfully my friend Kristy was there early to get us tickets. The show was amazing and I am glad that I was able to see the last performance. Now I get to wait up all night for Britt to get home because they have strike (tearing down of the set) right afterwards and she won't be home until around 3 or 4am. We also have church in the morning so I suppose I should try to get some rest although I really don't think I will be able to fall asleep until Britt is home.

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