Monday, February 11, 2008

Well, it's Monday, I woke up remembering how every other Monday went with John hitting snooze on the alarm clock and me pulling him back in bed with me to cuddle up and stay warm against the cold air waiting outside of our bed. I would hold him close and he would hold my hand as it wrapped around his chest. His finger would straighten out my wedding ring and then he would tuck my hand into his. We would doze off to sleep until he would wake with a start and tell me not to do that again because he was going to be late. I would laugh at him and we would start our day with a rush. Him making coffee, me in the bathroom, a quick kiss goodbye. Nothing life altering, just a normal Monday that will never be the same again.

Instead I wake up to an empty bed, no one to cuddle with, no one to share coffee or a kiss with. Just me, getting the kids out the door, me left behind in a quiet house with no direction as to what to do next. How does my life go on when the person who kept me sane is no longer here. I still feel as if I can't breathe and all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Someone recommended that I call a local agency that is supposed to be there to help families with counseling but they were pretty much useless, I explained the situation but I can't afford their help and the lady kept saying that they didn't have services to help a 3-yr old with grief so she didn't know if there was a point in bringing her in. What the fuck? Then she said she might be able to make us a hardship case and at that point I just said thanks, but no thanks and hung up.

I feel myself getting more and more angry. I feel so alone even though there are people offering help and then I get a stupid call from K.H., wanting me to feel sorry for her because her daughter needs medical attention (among other things in my opinion) and has dumped her kids off on her. Let's husband is dead....she needs to be a grandmother and help her daughter in need. Sorry...I have no sympathy. I am just thankful they are going to pay me the money they owe me and then I will never have to deal with them again.

I think about John every second of every day. I know that he would be disappointed in my falling apart. He would want me to handle this in stride and just be there for the kids but at this point I feel lucky to take a shower and get through the day. I knew that things would start to hit me after the funeral and I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to be doing. I can't breathe.

I miss him so much and I am so angry at everyone. Not at him, never at him, I know that he was in so much pain and I would never want him to suffer but I am angry at all of the tears that I see others shedding over his death. When he was alive these people had nothing to do with him, they made him feel inferior and brushed him off like he was a nobody. There were people that he would have been glad to have out of his life if it weren't for me nagging him to keep the connection open. I know that myself and these four kids were the most important people in his life. We were the ones there for him every single day, we were the ones who loved him not because of what he gave us or could do for us, but because of who he was. I am trying to be gracious but there is an angry, nagging voice wanting me to tell them to all fuck off. They didn't have the time of day for him when he was alive, why act like they loved him so much now that he is dead?

It is probably apparant that I am going through the "anger" stage of grief. I am so sick of hearing about the stages...I don't give a shit that it is normal, or that it will get better. At this moment in time I am just so fucking mad that I want to beat the holy hell out of someone. Everyone keeps asking what I need. I have mentioned numerous times that I need a punching bag in the garage to work out some of this anger. Do I have one yet? No...everyone is all talk until you actually ask for something and then they all fucking disappear just like they did when he was alive. I know that I promised him that I would keep his family together, and I will continue to try. I have tried to include them but they have all done their own thing so right now, in this state of mind, I just feel as if I am wasting my energy on it. If they choose to be a part of our life then fine but I won't beg. **Edited out because what I wrote wasn't necessary...I am obviously pissed and even though I have the right to be pissed I don't have the right to hurt anyone. That would be the last thing John would want me to do. The hard part is that my anger sometimes gets the best of me and I bitch and complain and with John as my sounding board I could get it out and know that it wouldn't go any further. I never want to hurt anyone especially not the people who are my only link to John. So if you read this prior please excuse my anger doesn't give me the right to be mean.


Darylynn said...

Hi Lisa! Well, words fail me... what can one say? I have thought about you so many times and wondered how you were. I am just shocked by what has happened and what you must be going through. Thanks God you have your kids because you will get through this because you are a good mom and they need you to stay strong. I sent Jessica your link because I know she liked you so well. She doesn't get too much computer time but she's had a lot happen in her life in the past year. Please visit often because I'd like to offer you a supportive ear. (((Big Hugz)))

Jessica said...

Lisa! My ChickLit buddy! I am so sorry, and this may not help, but I am bawling my eyes out for you right now. I now have a husband and a 4-month (on the 17th!) old baby! I was so sad and shocked when my mom told me what happened to your husband. Just know we love you and wish you the best. My mom's the pro at this, but if my link leads to my e-mail(?), please write me whenever you would like. It is so good to see you online again and I hope we can keep in touch! :)


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