Sunday, October 12, 2008

It is hard to believe that it has been 8 months since John has been gone. In many ways things are ok, but in many ways I am still working on getting on with my life. I am still sad, but lately the anger seems to have overtaken sad. I still cry but not as much, but when the tears do start it is hard to get them to stop.

The kids are doing good. Britt and Danielle have a play coming up next week, they are doing well in school. Anthony is doing good in school and is wanting to be in the chess club again this year. Caitlyn is cute and silly as usual and can always make me smile. She loves Sunday school and has recently started dance which she also loves. Hard to believe she will be in kindergarten next year!

I have started going to BE (Beginning Experience) a group for men/women who have lost a loved one through divorce or death. It is once a week and I find myself looking foward to going every week. Most of the people there are divorced but the loss is similar (not the same in my mind but I can see how a divorce can be like a death) and the grieving process seems to be the same. It is nice to have a place to go, to talk to others in similar situations who can understand my anger and grief.

The stepkids seem to be drifting away and I'm not sure if there is much I can do (or should do) about it. Maybe being around me and the kids reminds them of their dad being gone, maybe being in this house is too hard, I honestly don't know because they have just sort of stopped staying in touch. I know that I can try to get in touch but maybe for me it is also time for me to get over my feelings that losing them is like losing John.

The reality is that John is gone, he is never coming back and I need to move on with my life. I care about his kids and want only the best for them, but I am 35, I am not ready to start knitting and be a grandmother. I don't know what role I have now, it was easy with John here, without him I am finding myself again and I guess I need space to do so. I hope that the kids and their kids are always part of my life in some way but right now I guess we all just need some space from each other.

I still find it hard to focus on things, I have so many things that need to be done but I just can't seem to accomplish much more than routine every day things like cleaing the kitchen and making meals. My room is a mess, I find myself buried in clutter, almost like it is a way to hide the fact that John is no longer here. If I focus on the mess I can think about something else other than being sad and when it is clean I feel like it will painfully obvious that he is no longer here.

So, I pile up papers, and stack clothes, move stuff around but haven't taken the time to really clean it. Hopefully I will get to it soon because I don't like it this way, I just don't know if I am ready to face the reality of what is really going on. Without the mess, it is just an empty room, an empty bed, an empty life.

Obviously I still have quite a bit to work through... not sure if I will ever be ok, I want to be ok, but it is so hard, to move forward I have to let go of the past and I am not quite ready to do that yet.

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