Monday, October 27, 2008

I'm not sure where to start, the past few weeks have been very hard. I have been dealing with personal medical stuff, nothing serious so far, just abnormal pap smears and procedures to prevent anything serious. I'm not sure if that is why I fell apart tonight, or if it is a combination of that and my coming up on almost 9 months of John being gone, or most likely a combination of several different things.

What I do know is that the pain is so overwhelming right now that I can't stop crying and I am feeling so very alone. I just want my life back, I want my husband back, I want to go to bed with my arms around him knowing that everything in the world is as it should be. I just sat in a room of people at my BE meeting listening to them all talk about what they can see for their future now that they are divorced, even those still in pain from the divorce can see a future of happiness with another person. I couldn't even answer the question because I honestly don't know what if anything I can see for my future.

I know that John would want me to move forward, but honestly I can't imagine finding anyone out there who will make me as happy and complete as he did. I am feeling sad because I miss him, sad because I am lonely, sad because it feels as if eveyone else has moved on from his death and I am still here back in square one with the same heart wrenching pain that leaves me feeling like I can't breathe.

Halloween is coming up and I can't help but think back to last year when John was starting to get sick. Since our first Halloween together John took the little ones trick-or-treating while I handed out candy. Last year was the first year ever that we went together. He was already so tired, so weak, we thought he just had a cold. I remember when Caitlyn got tired of trick-or-treating and wanted to be carried home he was in too much pain to carry her, so I picked her up and carried her home. If I would have really stopped to think about it I would have realized just how sick he really was. Looking back, there is no way that he would have let me carry her all those blocks home if he wasn't deathly ill. Why didn't I see that? How could I not have known? Or was it that somewhere deep inside we both knew but neither of us were able to face the truth?

Nine months he has been gone and I still have more questions than answers. How is it possible that he is really gone? I will never see him again or kiss him again, I will never hold his hand or touch his hair. No matter how much I cry or how much I beg, he is never coming back. He is gone and I am still here, left with this pain that hurts so fucking much I just want to scream. I am locked in this room, the only outlet for my pain is this computer, a keyboard and screen that are as cold and unfeeling as I wish I were. If only I could shut of this pain, drink away this emotion, but I can't. I have kids that need me, and unlike when I was divorced I don't have weekends when I am child free so that I could deal with my pain and not worry that my pain or destruction would hurt the kids, instead I have to hold it all in, be strong, deal with it on my own the best I can, pushing the pain away until I am numb.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if the numbness would keep the feelings at bay, the problem is that it is only temporary. The feelings seem to find the worst times to come rushing out, at church, at these meetings I have been going to, in the middle of buying groceries, driving down the street, the feelings and emotions are so unpredictible that I feel like a basket case at times because when they finally push their way to the surface I can no longer hold them back and the tears turn to sobs and they just won't stop. Even something as simple as someone giving me a hug can set it off, to the point that I just want to push people away from me and do what ever it takes to stop feeling.

But I can't. I have kids that need me and how can I be a good mom if I let all emotions die? How can I be there for them if I allow myself to become nothing more than an empty shell? So I will do the best I can, which is sit here and cry, let it all out and piece myself back together the best that I can.

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