Sorry it has been so long since my last blog...all areas of my life seem to have been extremely sporadic. I can't focus on any one thing and seem to drift from one thing to another not really accomplishing anything other than to fill my time with meaningless tasks. I am working on fixing that though thanks to my BE group and the BE weekend I attended. The weekend was AMAZING! It really opened up my eyes to all that has been inside of me that I have never acknowledged. The first thing I did after my weekend was find a counselor. Last week was my first session and I will be going again today. We seemed to click right away and I feel very comfortable talking to him so hopefully I can work through all of the crap from my past so that I can grieve for John so that I can focus on living my life in the present.

I still miss John very much and there will always be an empty place in my heart because he is no longer with me, but I am learning that I have to acknowledge that empty space and not fill it with destructive behaviors. I have made a few poor choices since John passed away, but I realize now that those desicions don't define who I am as a person, they only prove to show how lost I have been since John passed away. I am getting better and in doing so have no reason to continue on a self destructive path. I feel bad for what I did but I am not going to let a few mistakes define who I am as a person or take away from all that I was in the past and all that I am now.

Things will never be the same, I will never be the same... but I am finally realizing that I am ok with that. I miss the people who were part of my life when John was alive, but I can't hold on to them to keep him alive because he is gone and without him it just doesn't seem to work. Losing the few makes me even more appreciative of those who have chosen to keep me in their life, I am so thankful for those who have continued to love and support me and the kids even during the time that I seemed to only want to push people away from me. Honestly I didn't even realize I was doing that but now that I know I am hoping to stop putting up walls around me. The walls served their purpose in dealing with the pain of losing John but it is time to let them go, I don't want to live life afraid of feeling pain, pain is part of life and once you deal with the pain you are free to move on and experience all that life has to offer.

I am looking forward to the holidays in a bittersweet sort of way. It won't be the same without John, it is going to be sad, but at the same time I am determined to make them fun for the kids. I don't want them to grow up hating holidays because they make them feel sad or depressed. I can't promise that there won't be tears shed, but I am promise to make sure there is plenty of love and laughter to help deal with the tears. I am lucky to have such amazing children and I want to make sure that we all life a life that John would be proud of.


Taken Veteran's Day 2008

The kids at the Red River Valley Zoo in front of the rock that we purchased in John's memory