My thoughts for the last few days have been with a close friend of mine who is going through a lot of shit. I am worried about her and I hope she knows that although it may not seem like it right now, everything will be all right. Her marriage is falling apart and as I talk to her and read her blog I keep remembering when I went through the same sort of crap. Regardless if you are the one leaving a marriage or whether you are the one "being left", when there are children involved divorce sucks.

It's been about 5 years now since I left Jorge. I really have no idea of the exact date because in my mind everything was in such a haze that I have a hard time remembering exactly how it all happened. All I remember is that I desperately needed out of my marriage. I felt as if I was drowning and the more I tried to breathe the harder it was to stay afloat. There is nothing that he did wrong, nothing wrong with him, I in fact still care about him very much. I just didn't love him any more. So I packed up my girls and we left. I was accused of being selfish, of only thinking of myself and not my family. I have felt so much guilt for what I did but NEVER have I had any regrets as to how everything turned out.

How can a person live if they don't feel alive? How could I have been a good mom if I lived a life of misery just to keep us "together". I believe in my heart that if I would have stood in my marriage we would have ended up hating each other. So I did what was best for me, I left. Yes that may seem selfish but I guess I'm the one who has to live with that. What I do know is that Jorge did get on with his life. He remarried and may again be divorced soon. We haven't talked about it much but I do get the sense that he realizes why I did what I did, and I think maybe that is why he refuses to settle for a marriage that isn't making him happy just for the sake of not hurting someone. He is now doing what he has to do to make himself happy and I hope with all my heart that he finds it. Because in my heart I only wish him the best because he deserves the best, and he deserved more than to have a wife who didn't love him with all her heart but only stood with him for the sake of the kids. I know that my children are better off, they are happy and well adjusted. There is no tension at home, they see their mom is happy and they love Marshall almost as much as they love their own dad who they visit as often as they can. Jorge and I have remained friends and are in fact closer than I think we were when we were married. I may not have loved him as a wife should but I do love him as my friend and I always will.

As I write this I feel as if I am in a way trying to justify what I did. I think it is because as I hear my friend's pain and anguish over her marriage failing I am feeling guilty because I know that I caused that sort of pain to someone else. She doesn't understand why her husband would leave and as much as I am there for her and wish that I could take her pain away, I can still remember my own desperation to get out of my marriage no matter how much Jorge begged me not to go. Her anger towards him has opened me up to the anger Jorge must have felt towads me. Because he is a guy he had to "hold it together" but I know that his pain was no less then hers. She talks about her life falling apart through no fault of her own and I know Jorge felt the same way. Many of the words she has used were in fact used by Jorge towards me. It really isn't fair that one person can completely change the course of your life. It isn't fair that I could just decide to be a single mom while she doesn't have a choice in the matter.

What I do know is that as hard as this is for her she will be ok. She is strong and she will one day look back and see how far she has come. Her life is now open to many possiblities that weren't there before. I know that at this moment that probably isn't much comfort to her but I have been there in a way. I know that live goes on and when you least expect it happiness and yes even love can find you. Right now maybe that's not enough.....maybe instead of talking to me she should be talking to Jorge.