I had my last counseling session of the year today. It was extremely draining and I am completely exhausted. I realize just how much pain I still have to deal with since losing John. All I want to do right now is go to bed and take a nap which I can't do, I also feel a sense of relief that I can face the pain, feel the pieces shatter and still be able to pick myself up and keep going. Although it is very hard it also tells me that I am going to be ok.

Have you ever read a book and found yourself so vested in the characters that you can't help yourself from taking a peek at the end to make sure that they have a happy ending before you put any more of your feelings on the line for them? Well that is how I am feeling right now. I wish that I could take a peek into the future just to check that it all turns out all right, if I could only know that it would be so much easier to face the pain that it is going to take to deal with grieving for John.

But of course there is no way to do that and I suppose that is ok, my happy ending can still be waiting for me, after all I have already had a happy ending with John, I just hope that the sequel to my life isn't as disappointing as most that I have watched in theaters!

Well, we made it through Christmas. It wasn't easy but it helped to focus on the kids and do my best to make this a great Christmas for them. I think they all pretty much got what they wanted, Caitlyn got her dollhouse, Anthony got Rock Band, the girls both got new stereo ipod docks which they love although the might have preferred cell phones but maybe for their birthdays. Overall, it was a great Christmas...with of course the one huge fact that we all missed John like crazy, but I know he was here smiling down on us, in our hearts and minds as he is every day.

It was really nice to just have my little family here for the day although we did enjoy Christmas Eve with John's sisters and really enjoyed having Ver and Penny stop by on Christmas to visit with the kids and play a few games. It was very nice and relaxing and the one thing I really wish is that John and I would have had a smaller Christmas last year with just us and our little family so that we could have had just a bit more time together without all of the craziness of guests. But of course everything happens for a reason and I am thankful that for New Years Eve it was just us although as that day gets closer I find myself getting sadder because I realize we are getting close to the one year anniversary since he has been gone and I just don't feel ready to deal with that yet.

It has been nice having the kids home from school but I am looking forward for New Years Eve to be here and gone. A new year, a fresh start... so much has been changing and as hard as 2008 was I am hoping that 2009 will be a much better year. I have so many things that I am working on right now that it has me excited for a new year. The main one being the work I am doing on myself as I am still seeing a councilor to work through the loss of John and from pain that I still carry from my past. It has been hard so far and I am sure it will only get harder but it also feels good to feel so much of the crap being let go. I am looking forward to getting back on track with eating healthy and working out. I also look forward to this time of year to get a bit more organized and get rid of clutter that we no longer need.

So time to start making those resolutions, time to start letting go of the past and start looking toward the future. I have no idea what the next year will bring but I do know from looking not just back on 2008 but on all of the years prior to that, I am a very strong person and there isn't anything that I can't do.

Last night the kids and I enjoyed the Holiday Lights parade in Fargo, it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be although we did start freezing towards the end. I had told Britt & Danielle that we were going to the parade and would pick them up right after drama practice but being teenagers they didn't think to dress appropriately and Britt was actually wearing capris & high heels! If we would have had time to go home and change we would have went but we were already running late. I did think to bring them hats/gloves and there were blankets so that did help. We had a great spot on Broadway right in front of Juanos Mexican restaurant. Of course I forgot to bring bags for candy which had Caitlyn freaking out, she finally took a hat from her sister and used that to collect candy and when that got too full we dumped it in my purse. I know the kids love getting candy but I sometimes wish that they didn't throw candy so that they would just sit and enjoy watching the floats go by instead of jumping around snatching at tootsie rolls that no one really eats anyway.

Towards the end of the parade Caitlyn started complaining about being cold and the girls said there feet were frozen so we went to Juanos to eat, we had a great dinner (including a yummy margarita for me) and were still able to watch the end of the parade.

I realized last night that I have most of my Christmas shopping done which means that I will have more time to take the kids to holiday events like last night. I think it will be fun do the sorts of things that I always wanted to do but have never really made time for. John was always so tired when he got home from work that I never would have wanted to drag him to a parade and it wouldn't have felt right to go without him so we didn't do a lot of stuff like that but I know he would be happy to see the kids enjoying the holiday season doing things as a family. Not to mention that I am hoping that by keeping busy we won't have too much time sitting at home being sad.


The kids waiting for the parade to start

One of the many beautiful floats in the Holiday Light parade

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog...all areas of my life seem to have been extremely sporadic. I can't focus on any one thing and seem to drift from one thing to another not really accomplishing anything other than to fill my time with meaningless tasks. I am working on fixing that though thanks to my BE group and the BE weekend I attended. The weekend was AMAZING! It really opened up my eyes to all that has been inside of me that I have never acknowledged. The first thing I did after my weekend was find a counselor. Last week was my first session and I will be going again today. We seemed to click right away and I feel very comfortable talking to him so hopefully I can work through all of the crap from my past so that I can grieve for John so that I can focus on living my life in the present.

I still miss John very much and there will always be an empty place in my heart because he is no longer with me, but I am learning that I have to acknowledge that empty space and not fill it with destructive behaviors. I have made a few poor choices since John passed away, but I realize now that those desicions don't define who I am as a person, they only prove to show how lost I have been since John passed away. I am getting better and in doing so have no reason to continue on a self destructive path. I feel bad for what I did but I am not going to let a few mistakes define who I am as a person or take away from all that I was in the past and all that I am now.

Things will never be the same, I will never be the same... but I am finally realizing that I am ok with that. I miss the people who were part of my life when John was alive, but I can't hold on to them to keep him alive because he is gone and without him it just doesn't seem to work. Losing the few makes me even more appreciative of those who have chosen to keep me in their life, I am so thankful for those who have continued to love and support me and the kids even during the time that I seemed to only want to push people away from me. Honestly I didn't even realize I was doing that but now that I know I am hoping to stop putting up walls around me. The walls served their purpose in dealing with the pain of losing John but it is time to let them go, I don't want to live life afraid of feeling pain, pain is part of life and once you deal with the pain you are free to move on and experience all that life has to offer.

I am looking forward to the holidays in a bittersweet sort of way. It won't be the same without John, it is going to be sad, but at the same time I am determined to make them fun for the kids. I don't want them to grow up hating holidays because they make them feel sad or depressed. I can't promise that there won't be tears shed, but I am promise to make sure there is plenty of love and laughter to help deal with the tears. I am lucky to have such amazing children and I want to make sure that we all life a life that John would be proud of.


Taken Veteran's Day 2008

The kids at the Red River Valley Zoo in front of the rock that we purchased in John's memory

I'm not sure where to start, the past few weeks have been very hard. I have been dealing with personal medical stuff, nothing serious so far, just abnormal pap smears and procedures to prevent anything serious. I'm not sure if that is why I fell apart tonight, or if it is a combination of that and my coming up on almost 9 months of John being gone, or most likely a combination of several different things.

What I do know is that the pain is so overwhelming right now that I can't stop crying and I am feeling so very alone. I just want my life back, I want my husband back, I want to go to bed with my arms around him knowing that everything in the world is as it should be. I just sat in a room of people at my BE meeting listening to them all talk about what they can see for their future now that they are divorced, even those still in pain from the divorce can see a future of happiness with another person. I couldn't even answer the question because I honestly don't know what if anything I can see for my future.

I know that John would want me to move forward, but honestly I can't imagine finding anyone out there who will make me as happy and complete as he did. I am feeling sad because I miss him, sad because I am lonely, sad because it feels as if eveyone else has moved on from his death and I am still here back in square one with the same heart wrenching pain that leaves me feeling like I can't breathe.

Halloween is coming up and I can't help but think back to last year when John was starting to get sick. Since our first Halloween together John took the little ones trick-or-treating while I handed out candy. Last year was the first year ever that we went together. He was already so tired, so weak, we thought he just had a cold. I remember when Caitlyn got tired of trick-or-treating and wanted to be carried home he was in too much pain to carry her, so I picked her up and carried her home. If I would have really stopped to think about it I would have realized just how sick he really was. Looking back, there is no way that he would have let me carry her all those blocks home if he wasn't deathly ill. Why didn't I see that? How could I not have known? Or was it that somewhere deep inside we both knew but neither of us were able to face the truth?

Nine months he has been gone and I still have more questions than answers. How is it possible that he is really gone? I will never see him again or kiss him again, I will never hold his hand or touch his hair. No matter how much I cry or how much I beg, he is never coming back. He is gone and I am still here, left with this pain that hurts so fucking much I just want to scream. I am locked in this room, the only outlet for my pain is this computer, a keyboard and screen that are as cold and unfeeling as I wish I were. If only I could shut of this pain, drink away this emotion, but I can't. I have kids that need me, and unlike when I was divorced I don't have weekends when I am child free so that I could deal with my pain and not worry that my pain or destruction would hurt the kids, instead I have to hold it all in, be strong, deal with it on my own the best I can, pushing the pain away until I am numb.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if the numbness would keep the feelings at bay, the problem is that it is only temporary. The feelings seem to find the worst times to come rushing out, at church, at these meetings I have been going to, in the middle of buying groceries, driving down the street, the feelings and emotions are so unpredictible that I feel like a basket case at times because when they finally push their way to the surface I can no longer hold them back and the tears turn to sobs and they just won't stop. Even something as simple as someone giving me a hug can set it off, to the point that I just want to push people away from me and do what ever it takes to stop feeling.

But I can't. I have kids that need me and how can I be a good mom if I let all emotions die? How can I be there for them if I allow myself to become nothing more than an empty shell? So I will do the best I can, which is sit here and cry, let it all out and piece myself back together the best that I can.

It is hard to believe that it has been 8 months since John has been gone. In many ways things are ok, but in many ways I am still working on getting on with my life. I am still sad, but lately the anger seems to have overtaken sad. I still cry but not as much, but when the tears do start it is hard to get them to stop.

The kids are doing good. Britt and Danielle have a play coming up next week, they are doing well in school. Anthony is doing good in school and is wanting to be in the chess club again this year. Caitlyn is cute and silly as usual and can always make me smile. She loves Sunday school and has recently started dance which she also loves. Hard to believe she will be in kindergarten next year!

I have started going to BE (Beginning Experience) a group for men/women who have lost a loved one through divorce or death. It is once a week and I find myself looking foward to going every week. Most of the people there are divorced but the loss is similar (not the same in my mind but I can see how a divorce can be like a death) and the grieving process seems to be the same. It is nice to have a place to go, to talk to others in similar situations who can understand my anger and grief.

The stepkids seem to be drifting away and I'm not sure if there is much I can do (or should do) about it. Maybe being around me and the kids reminds them of their dad being gone, maybe being in this house is too hard, I honestly don't know because they have just sort of stopped staying in touch. I know that I can try to get in touch but maybe for me it is also time for me to get over my feelings that losing them is like losing John.

The reality is that John is gone, he is never coming back and I need to move on with my life. I care about his kids and want only the best for them, but I am 35, I am not ready to start knitting and be a grandmother. I don't know what role I have now, it was easy with John here, without him I am finding myself again and I guess I need space to do so. I hope that the kids and their kids are always part of my life in some way but right now I guess we all just need some space from each other.

I still find it hard to focus on things, I have so many things that need to be done but I just can't seem to accomplish much more than routine every day things like cleaing the kitchen and making meals. My room is a mess, I find myself buried in clutter, almost like it is a way to hide the fact that John is no longer here. If I focus on the mess I can think about something else other than being sad and when it is clean I feel like it will painfully obvious that he is no longer here.

So, I pile up papers, and stack clothes, move stuff around but haven't taken the time to really clean it. Hopefully I will get to it soon because I don't like it this way, I just don't know if I am ready to face the reality of what is really going on. Without the mess, it is just an empty room, an empty bed, an empty life.

Obviously I still have quite a bit to work through... not sure if I will ever be ok, I want to be ok, but it is so hard, to move forward I have to let go of the past and I am not quite ready to do that yet.

Well, as if things weren't going bad as it was my computer decided to take a crap at the end of February and so I have been disconnected in many ways. I have missed the outlet of being able to write here and get my thoughts down. I have missed having a way to vent or feel as if there were someone out there who maybe can understand what I am going through. Quite a bit has happened in the last few months and I don't have time to write about it all but I will soon, the main thing is that I miss John more and more every day but life goes on and so do I. The kids need me to be strong and so I am doing my best. Mother's Day was hard and I am dreading Father's Day but with each day I will just keep going. It is still hard to believe that he is really gone, I keep expecting him to walk through the door and give me a hug and kiss. I wake up in the mornings and expect to feel him next to me and it takes a few moments to realize that he is really gone. The kids are also still working through their loss, the don't talk about it much but some days (like yesterday) Caitlyn will just get very sad and just sit there missing her dad. We talk about him often and I hope that in doing so I will keep his memory alive for her. It is so hard to imagine a day when she no longer remembers her daddy. He loved her so much and I want her to always remember that although it is hard to see little girls with their daddy's and know that Caitlyn will never have that. But, I can't dwell on thoughts like that or else I wouldn't be able to function so I will just do my best to keep my spirits up and be thankful for all of the wonderful memories and thankful for all of the support that we have received from friends and family.

Yesterday would have been John's 50th birthday, instead there was a benefit in celebration of his life. I am overwhelmed by all of the support we received, I am humbled by how many people cared enough to be there and I am sad because it is yet one more thing that I won't be able to share with John. I wonder what he would think of all of this? I bet he would be amazed at how many people cared enough about him to be there.

I have so much more that I want to write but I am so tired. I am drained and all I want to do is go to bed.

The past few days have been extremely difficult. It is starting to hit me that he is really gone, he is never coming back and I am completely alone. I suppose that I would feel alone regardless of how many people were around me but the aloneness seems to be hitting harder because there are quite a few people I had expected to at least hear from but haven't. I was angry with my brother but when we finally talked about it...or should I say when I yelled at him about it, he expressed that he didn't know what to say...that he felt words weren't enough and that to send a card would seem like an insult. I guess I have always tried to reach out in sympathy to those that needed it but I can think of a few times when I wasn't there for someone who needed it. As I look at those times I realize that they hit too close to home and I didn't know what to do or say.

I am trying to keep that in mind and working hard to let hurt feelings go because in the end the only person they are going to hurt is me. So I am working on finding things to be grateful for and I am working on writing down all of the wonderful memories I have of John. I have been spending quite a bit of time at CafeMom because when I write there I know that someone is reading it and in the short amount of time I have been part of that community I have found quite a bit of support. It is nice to have this blog to write and not worry about many people (if any) reading it but at the same time it is also nice to know that what you are writing is being read and it is nice to feel as if I have support out there, even if it is only in the virtual world.

So yesterday sucked, I had to apply for medical assistance and temporary food stamps for me and the kids just to help us get through until I figure out which direction I am going in. The medical part is important because I need to get a complete physical because it is more important than ever that I get healthy. As hard as it is for the kids to be without John it would be even harder if they lost me so I need to take care of myself for them and also because I promised John that I would. I really hate asking for help, there were plenty of times when John and I could have asked for assistance but we never did. We just did some creative budgeting and stretched our food as far as it would go....thank goodness for beans and rice! Sometimes I was told that we should just get over being proud and ask for help. But it wasn't just pride it was important to John and I that we do this on our own. We made the commitment to the kids and we never wanted them to feel like we had to take charity to support them. So we didn't go on fancy vacations and the kids didn't have tons of new clothes when school started and John and I sacrificed things that we would have liked to have but thanks to help from family we were always ok financially and in the important things, the things that mattered most we had far more of than a lot of people have.

We were always so happy, even when times were hard we were happy because we were together, we had our family and each other and smart, talented and wonderful kids...we were extremely lucky. So I am thankful that we never asked for help because it makes what we did together even more amazing. But now he is gone....and as much as I hate to do it, I have to ask for help. Not forever, not for very long....just until I can figure out where I am at and how I am going to juggle everything. People have always told me that assistance is there for when you really need it....well guess what? I really need it but it still sucks!

So today was pretty much a crap day. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I was upset because I hadn't heard from my brother since the funeral and although I understood that he couldn't make it to the funeral I was upset that him and his stupid wife didn't even think to send a card. I was venting, I'm sorry, I need to do that sometimes and since John isn't here to listen to me vent I was stupid and vented to her. I asked her to NOT tell my brother but of course that is the first thing she does and surprise, surprise, my brother calls.

I didn't want him to call because someone told him to call, I am just sick of feeling so alone. He isn't the only one not calling, since the funeral I haven't heard from quite a few people and the only ones I have seen are my sister (because she has to drop of Tyler for daycare), women from church who have been bringing food, and John's sisters. I did see Marshal but that is only because I went to Shelby's dance recital oh yeah and ViAnnah but only because she needed me to drive her to the emergency room. All of the kids had promised to stop by this weekend...of course they didn't...big shocker there. I know that not everyone's life stops because my husband is dead but it sure as hell would be nice if all of my family who promised John that they would be here for me and the kids would at least pretend to follow through for the first month or so.

So I started yelling at my brother and mostly I was yelling cause I was mad at my mom for having such a big mouth. I'm not even going to bother calling her about this because she is just so wrapped up in "her pain" that she just makes me mad. I can't help but wonder if her "pain" is because MY husband is dead or is it because the attention isn't all focused on her.

Okay, so now I sound like a bitter bitch. Sorry...I am bitter and angry and bitchy and you know what, it doesn't matter because for the most part there isn't anyone around who gives a shit. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives and that is fine except what hurts the most is that John and I would both have been there completely for anyone that we know if the circumstances were reversed. My sister would call on my husband for every little thing even though she has her own boyfriend who was capable of doing those things, do you think now her or her boyfriend would think to stop by to see if maybe I need help shoveling snow or fixing a sump pump that isn't working? Of course not, because that would be too much work. Not to mention that most people don't have a problem asking for help, I should know because my husband was always the person they would call. I don't like asking for help, and now that I have had to ask for help it sucks because the few things that I have asked for haven't been done. I still can't do laundry, my sump pump is still broken and I can't even get a stupid punching bag so that I can get some of this anger out without having to write mean nasty things that will make me feel guilty later.

I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so mad and not having the one person here who would always be able to calm me and make me laugh. I hate that I can't vent to someone and not be able to trust that they will keep their mouth shut about it. I hate that I have to sit in my room all night, alone crying because it is so empty without him. I hate that I am starting to get mad at him. I hate that it will be a long fucking time before I can be with him again and I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I hate being asked how I am doing. Seriously...how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?! How do you think I am doing?

Today was another long day. The kids and I went to church although I really didn't want to go. Brittany was a bit mad at me because she didn't get home from drama until late...I had predicted 3 or 4am...I was wrong. She didn't get home until after 7am! I didn't sleep all that great because I was waiting for her and so it wasn't a great morning. We did go to church and I got there just in time to teach Sunday school (I teach Britt's class) and had fun listening to Britt complain about me making her go.

I'm not sure what did it, but something in church made me start crying. It wasn't the horrible sobbing cries but it was embarrassing all the same, and of course I didn't have a kleenex. You would think that I would have learned to carry them everywhere by now! They also announced the benefit for our family which will take place next weekend in honor of what would have been John's 50th bday. After church there were several wonderful people who offered support and I did really good at not crying for quite some time but of course started crying again. I hate crying, my nose gets red and my eyes get puffy and I look like complete crap. I have always hated women who can cry and look beautiful while doing it.

After church I dreaded the thought of coming home and missing John and our normal Sunday ritual of him and the girls making pancakes for everyone and me reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee. Have I mentioned that my husband was wonderful at spoiling me? After breakfast the kids would clean up and John and Caitlyn would usually take a nap on the couch while I was either here on the computer or with them on the couch reading a book. Sundays were always relaxing days just for us. So the thought of coming home and making breakfast just didn't sound so great. Instead, the kids and I went to McDonalds for lunch and we then went to Barnes and Noble. I had wanted to find a cd with the song "Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi but before I could find it Caitlyn had to go to the restroom. We ran into a woman from church there, one whom I have seen and said hello to but never had a chance to get to know. She was very sweet and we started talking and of course I am an emotional wreck and started to tear up. She offered to buy me a cup of coffee and we sat down and had a wonderful conversation. The kids all picked out books...altough I never did find something for me...big surprise.

We then went to the movie theater to see "Enchanted" which we have been wanting to see. It was in the cheap theater which meant I spent $8 on tickets and $30 on drinks, popcorn and candy. The movie was really cute and it was a great escape from reality which is what I really needed.

Unfortunately, you always have to return to reality which I did the second we got home and I checked the mail. Waiting for me were John's death certificates. I knew it would be hard to see them, but it was even worse than I thought to see his name on there with the official state seal as well as cause of death which was listed as pneumonia as well as pericarditis (which I had to google to find out what it meant). The official term for lung cancer was also listed as a contributing factor. The pericarditis was new to me because we still haven't seen an autopsy, hopefully when we get that it will clear up some of the questions we have had. I also talked to Missy today which was nice and I'm glad I talked to her because it helps to just have someone listen. Which is probably why I continue to blog here, to feel as if someone (anyone) is listening.

So I made dinner (we still didn't eat at the table but I plan to change that tomorrow) and we watched a movie and now I am ready to go to bed...I am exhausted.

Today was a long, draining day. I went to see P.S. I Love You with Rocky, Ver, and Kristy this afternoon. I read the book a few years ago so I knew what it was about, in fact John and I had talked about going to see it when it first came out. Well, I just have to say that I am so glad I went. I sometimes have a hard time dealing with wanting to cry, I am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Well, in this case the tears were mingled with laughter and it was a very theraputic experience. There were parts that had me sobbing and there were parts that freaked me out because they were similar. John was of course Irish (although he didn't have that sexy accent) and he was silly and would sing way off key. He loved to dance and always knew how to make me laugh. The scene in the karoke bar had me crying because the last time we went out as a couple was to a karoke bar. We both always talked about going to Ireland together, in fact when we first started dating that was one of the first things we found we had in common, we both have always wanted to go to Ireland. Some of the scenes with the mother were similar and well there were a few more things. Mostly it was just the words, her feeling of having him hold her in bed, her feeling him close, turning to wake him up and finding him not there, I am sure that anyone who has lost a spouse would completely relate to this movie. At the end I sobbed because many of the things that were in the last letter were things that John said to me before he died. His sister told me that the letters would have been something John would have done if he would have had more time. I agree and although it would be nice to get a letter from him it would also be extremely hard, I fall apart as it is when I come across an old grocery list in his hand writing.

After the movie we went out to eat and we talked for quite some time. It was nice to be able to talk to his sisters and get insight into the years before I was part of his life. I can't even put into words what we shared because we talked for quite some time, I am just thankful that we were there together and I am sure that we will be doing that again soon.

I had a call from ViAnnah as we were leaving the restaurant and she was upset with Brandyn and asked us to take her to the emergency room. I talked to her a bit ago and she sounds fine and they didn't find anything wrong so I am sure that it is just stress. Hopefully she doesn't let her hormones get the best of her and I hope that all is well with her and the baby for the next 8 months or so. I did have a breakdown when we took her to the emergency room. She lives right across the street from the hospital where John found out he had cancer and also where they took him before they pronounced him dead. I was in a hurry to get her to the doctor because I promised Britt I would be at her play tonight. So it wasn't until we walked into the emergency room that it hit me where we were. I walked her inside, she got registered and when we walked into the waiting room I freaked out. I had to run outside and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. When John left the hospital we had to leave out of the emergency exit because the main doors were locked and a few days later after he collapsed at home the ambulance took him back to that same hospital. John's sisters found me outside crying and we talked about how hard it was to be there. Rocky showed me where the ambulance came through and she told me that she seen me stand there and kiss him as they wheeled him out of the ambulance. I didn't know anyone had seen that, that was the last time that I was able to kiss his warm face even though in my heart I knew that he was gone. I finally pulled myself together and we went back inside only to go back to a room with ViAnnah which was right next to the room where we saw John after he was declared dead. It was very hard but at the same time the tears felt healing and I suppose it is all part of the process. Maybe it was better to get it out of the way instead of waiting until years later and falling apart out of the blue.

Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. But of course I couldn't do that because I still had to go to Brittany's play. So I got home, took a quick shower and made it just in time. Thankfully my friend Kristy was there early to get us tickets. The show was amazing and I am glad that I was able to see the last performance. Now I get to wait up all night for Britt to get home because they have strike (tearing down of the set) right afterwards and she won't be home until around 3 or 4am. We also have church in the morning so I suppose I should try to get some rest although I really don't think I will be able to fall asleep until Britt is home.

So today was a very strange day. I don't think I slept well and woke up feeling sad and very cold. For a split second I thought about waking John up to have him go check the heater but it didn't take long to remember that he wasn't there.

Anyway, my day was dragging and I was feeling out of sorts. When nap time came for the kiddies I laid down on my bed for a few minutes. I was just going to read a bit but I drifted off to sleep. I felt as if I was in the middle of being awake and asleep when suddenly I felt as if someone where in the house. I felt as if I couldn't move and I was starting to panic until I remembered that I had locked the door before I laid down. Suddenly I felt as if someone were in the room with me and I felt a warm presence next to me. I felt a soft warm light enter my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and I didn't freak out because I knew it was John's spirit entering me. It was the weirdest yet most comforting thing I have ever felt. I drifted off to sleep feeling him as part of me and when I woke up I didn't freak over a weird dream I just felt a comforting thought that he had been here with me. I could feel that he was no longer here but I can still feel the completeness of having his spirit with me. It is a comfort and yet I feel as if I were to tell this to someone they would think I was losing my mind. I guess it's a good thing that no one is reading this.

Right before it was time to wake the kiddies from their nap the doorbell rang. It was a package from the hospital where John was admited with pneumonia. He had forgotten his pillow and I had thought that Brandyn was picking it up but I kinda forgot about it. They had mailed it back to me. I broke down crying because it smelled like him and yet it smelled like the hospital as well. It just reminded me of how sick he was and how much he hated being in that hospital. I am glad that they returned it but it made me so very sad. I sat on the couch holding it close to me wishing that I was holding him instead.

I went on the local personal ads. Not because I want to date or because I will be ready to do so anytime soon but more because I am morbid and like torturing myself with what is out there if/when the time comes. Let me just say that it scared the shit out of me and the only halfway normal person on there was someone I already know who is a friend of the family and wouldn't even be an option. Let me tell you, if I ever get to the point of wanting to date, if those are the only options I will just stay single. I was so lucky to find John, he was/is the perfect person for me. There isn't anyone out there who could be as perfect for me as him. I know that I am lucky to have found him at all but I don't feel lucky right now, I just feel pissed off that I didn't have him long enough.

Last night John's sister brought over heart shaped pizza and had dinner with us. It was very sweet and they brought the kids and I valentines and candy. We had a nice dinner and talked about going to a movie this weekend. I have been wanting to go see P.S. I Love You which I read quite some time ago and John and I had actually talked about going to see it when he was feeling better (before he got really sick and we thought he just had bronchitis). Anyway, I know that it will be sad but I am hoping it will theruputic and help me get some of these emotions out.

I also received a beautiful card from John's oldest sister Juli. She is one of the few people who sent me a card addressing losing a husband specifialy instead of just a "loved one". It was a very beautiful comforting card and she also sent copies of the book plates that were put in the books that her co-worker donated to the college where she works in John's name. It was very sweet and touching and she also sent a very generous check for the kids and I. I was touched by all of it because we never really got to know her because she lives so far away. I hope that John knows of her generosity because I think he would be touched by it as I was by her generosity and even more than that by her kind words.

Well I had better get going, Shelby (6yr old granddaughter) has a dance recital tonight and I have to get everyone ready. Hopefully I don't forget the camera this time! The last time we went was her very first recital and John was there. He was so proud to see her up there and we had talked about putting Caitlyn in a class. I suppose I should look into that soon, I know that is what he really wanted. He was always such a proud daddy and grandfather and I am sure that he will be there tonight watching Shelby dance and bragging to anyone that can hear about his granddaughter.

Happy Valentine's Day...I wrote John a letter on MySpace, I seem to be doing that lately, writing him letters hoping that some how, some way he can read what I am wanting to say to him.

I realized that so far today isn't as hard as I had thought. John and I never were huge Valentine's people, we expressed our love every single day and didn't put much time into this day because we both hated crowds and would rather stay home than go out anywhere. On our first Valentines he did give me the diamond heart necklace that I wear around my neck, that was an amazing gift and still one of the only pieces of jewelry that I wear daily other than my wedding rings. I suppose that he would have given me a card today that said that the only thing he had to give me today was him. That would of course have been more than enough and I would do anything in the world to get that card. Looking back I am so glad that I was never petty over gifts and things the way some people are. That was never important to either of us which is good cause we rarely had the money to spare. What was important is that we had each other and that is what I miss the most. Just having him here with me, having him hold me.

Today I received a beautiful bouquet of 11 red roses and one white rose with a card that read:

"Happy Valentines Day!
Through his children his soul lives on. So he
sends this valentine from heaven.
I love you!"

I of course burst into tears but it was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. I thought it was his oldest sister who sent them but when I called her I found out that she had contributed but that it was Marshal and Lori's idea. That is so extremely thoughtful and I will cherish them very much. I am lucky to have John's kids in my life and although I am sure that there will be (and are) times where we drive each other crazy I hope with all my heart that we can work through those times to always be there for each other.

I also received a Valentine from Brittany who gave me a cute coffee mug with a stuffed animal in it along with a beautiful letter. The letter pretty much said that she is here for me and that we need to be there for each other instead of trying to always be so strong. Here is some of what she wrote: "This is a time for all of us to come together, but especially our family living right here in this house. I know everything is really scary right now, but we will get through it together and come out stronger. Valentines Day is a day to really appreciate the ones you love and after everything that has happened that really sticks in my mind. Happy Valentines Day mom and thank you for everything." I am definitely the one who needs to thank her, she is an amazing young lady and I am so thankful to have her here. I only have one year left before she is off to college and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own grief that I lose out on what time we have left together.

So I have had quite a few insights this Valentines Day and wherever John is I hope he knows how much I love him. There aren't words for the love I have in my heart and it doesn't matter because John has always known what is in my heart and since we never needed a silly holiday to express ourselves or our love there is no reason to start now. So one holiday to cross off my list and guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be thanks to my wonderful family.

Well, another crappy day, but I suppose that is to be expected. I spent last night shopping for groceries because a storm was supposed to hit tonight but although we had snow there was no storm. I did almost freak out on a guy though because as I walked through the aisle at Wal-Mart this fat asshole was yelling at his wife because she stopped to look at something on an endcap. He told her that she couldn't take up the entire aisle just because she wanted to stop and he just kept berating her. She turned the corner and had tears in her eyes and a look that said her spirit was pretty much gone. They were older but I was so pissed off. Why is it that God doesn't take assholes like that but instead took my wonderful, loving husband who wouldn't talk to a dog that way much less his wife? I was so tempted to tell him off but refrained myself. I seriously feel as if I am a ticking bomb and I don't think it would take much to set me off. I was actually looking for my ex because I would love to have the excuse to beat the crap out of someone.

Wal-Mart was definitely a mistake, the Valentine aisle sucked. John wasn't one for Valentine gifts, mostly because we didn't have the extra money for that sort of thing and Valentine's falls in the middle of major bdays around here but he always bought me a beautiful card and would write me such sweet messages inside. There was never a time that he gave me a card and only signed his name, he always took the time to write. Most of the time for Valentine's Day I would buy him chocolate and then the kids and I would eat them all. Maybe I should buy him a box for us to eat this year. But probably I won't because that would just be too depressing.

I need to buy some lamenating paper because there are some letters/notes that I want to make sure don't fall apart because I have been reading them so much. I came across a sheet of notebook paper behind a shopping list that we had made and there were two lines on it. He had wrote: "My Sweet Lisa, I Love You" I look at it every day and I want to make sure it doesn't disappear. I remember when my grandfather died, my grandmother had a wipe off board on the fridge, right before he died he had written on the board, "Joe loves Adeline". She never wanted it to come off but eventually it faded. I wonder if she took a picture of it? That's what I would have done.

John's nephew Dustin and his girlfriend Ashley had their baby today. It is a little boy who is healthy although he is a bit early. He weighs 4-lbs, 8-oz and is in the NICU because his lungs need a bit of help but it sounds as if he is doing well and will be able to go home in a week. I would like to go see him but he was born in the hospital where they declared John dead. I can't imagine going in that building for a very long time. I feel bad but hopefully they will understand. They haven't decided on a name yet but it sounds as if his middle name might be John. It makes me happy but sad at the same time.

I talked to Marshal's girlfriend Lori this evening. It was nice to talk to her although odd because as if have mentioned before we have never really been close. I have this problem where I always say what I think and that tends to get me into trouble. But it was nice to have someone to talk to and she said they would bring Brody over this weekend. I hope they do, I want to make sure that I am always a part of John's grandson's life.

I guess I pissed off ViAnnah but what else is new? It doesn't take much for her to get pissed off and she'll get over it. I'll just chalk it up to hormones and hope for the best. I think I am going to call Brandyn and tell him not to stop by and look at the computer because it sounds as if she has been upset about him calling me. He really hasn't even called that much but if she is going to make a big deal about it I would rather he didn't call.

Honestly, I have too much going on to worry about her temper tantrums. If her dad were here he would say the same thing. I can hear him in my mind telling me that she is acting just like her mother and to not let it get to me. I want to be there for her but like I told Lori, I am not going to beg any of them to be a part of my life. I just don't have the energy for it. I fought for this family when John was alive because I loved him so much and I would do anything to make him happy. But now he is gone and if the kids choose to be a part of our life then I would be very happy and would love to have them around but if they choose not to be then I guess that will have to be fine as well.

Brittany and I went over her classes for next year. I can't believe she is going to be a senior. I can't believe my baby is now 17. Where does the time go? There is so much going on and I just wish I could stop time for awhile so that I can have a moment to just process everything that is happening but in my crazy life that just isn't possible. So I go from moment to moment with this weight on my heart and from time to time I will cry but for the most part it is just sitting there waiting to be let out. That would probably explain why I am ready to explode.

Last night I had a call from Marshal my oldest stepson. We had a very long talk and he made me feel better about some of the things that were bothering me. I tried to explain that my biggest fear was no longer having that link to John through them. We talked about the kids and it was nice to have someone to talk to. I don't want any of the kids to feel as if they have to step in John's shoes, that of course isn't possible and part of my healing is going to be going through this alone. I just want to know that they are there, not that I plan on calling them, but it is nice to hear them say that they are there. Marshal wants me to call his girlfriend and I suppose for him I should try but we have never been close and although we are the same age (she is actually a bit older than me) we just don't have much in common. On top of that I have never been good at being a friend, not with women anyway which is why John and I clicked so well. We were friends first and after falling in love he remained above everything else my best friend. After talking to Marshal for quite some time I had a call from Brandyn, ViAnnah's boyfriend. We talked for awhile and it was nice to have somenoe to vent to but mostly it was nice to be there while he vented. I am so thankful for Brandyn because he was such a support to John while he was in the hospital that week and he has been a huge support for me and the kids. Later in the evening my dad called and we talked for a long time, mostly vented about family members who drive us crazy. My dad and I haven't always communicated well so it was nice to have that connection. Obviously, there are people out there who worry about me and want to be there for me. I am thankful for that but I still feel so lonely, so sad. I don't see an end in sight to the pain, and that is ok, I don't think that when you love someone as much as I loved John, that it should be easy and quick to recover, I just want to feel as if I am functioning.

I woke up last night at 3am to Anthony crying outside my door. He had a dream that his dad was alive and when he woke up it hit him again that he is never coming home. We sat in the livingroom and he couldn't stop crying. It is hard to struggle over the right words to give him comfort while at the same time allowing him to grieve which is what he needs. I finally went back to bed around 6am and probably shouldn't have done that because my day was off to a late start. I am feeling out of sorts today and I had an appointment which I cancelled because I just don't feel like I can handle it. I think I have conferences tonight but no one has gotten back to me as to the time because my last scheduled time was right after John passed away.

Why am I so upset when life keeps intruding on my grief? Why does it feel as if the world should stop because the most important part of my world is gone? My house is a mess, I have thank you cards to write, laundry piling up, flowers to dispose of, a driveway to shovel, paperwork to complete, phone calls to return, so many tasks that aren't a huge deal but I just want it to all go away. I want to just have complete silence as I cry and cry and cry. But of course that is a luxury that isn't going to happen and maybe looking back I will be thankful for all of the distractions but right now it just pisses me off. It just seems so wrong that life goes on, every time I laugh I feel guilty, every time I cry I feel guilty mainly because I don't want the kids to see me cry, every time I feel like screaming at the world I feel guilty. I am obviously losing my mind, I don't think I will ever feel normal again.

Well, it's Monday, I woke up remembering how every other Monday went with John hitting snooze on the alarm clock and me pulling him back in bed with me to cuddle up and stay warm against the cold air waiting outside of our bed. I would hold him close and he would hold my hand as it wrapped around his chest. His finger would straighten out my wedding ring and then he would tuck my hand into his. We would doze off to sleep until he would wake with a start and tell me not to do that again because he was going to be late. I would laugh at him and we would start our day with a rush. Him making coffee, me in the bathroom, a quick kiss goodbye. Nothing life altering, just a normal Monday that will never be the same again.

Instead I wake up to an empty bed, no one to cuddle with, no one to share coffee or a kiss with. Just me, getting the kids out the door, me left behind in a quiet house with no direction as to what to do next. How does my life go on when the person who kept me sane is no longer here. I still feel as if I can't breathe and all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Someone recommended that I call a local agency that is supposed to be there to help families with counseling but they were pretty much useless, I explained the situation but I can't afford their help and the lady kept saying that they didn't have services to help a 3-yr old with grief so she didn't know if there was a point in bringing her in. What the fuck? Then she said she might be able to make us a hardship case and at that point I just said thanks, but no thanks and hung up.

I feel myself getting more and more angry. I feel so alone even though there are people offering help and then I get a stupid call from K.H., wanting me to feel sorry for her because her daughter needs medical attention (among other things in my opinion) and has dumped her kids off on her. Let's see...my husband is dead....she needs to be a grandmother and help her daughter in need. Sorry...I have no sympathy. I am just thankful they are going to pay me the money they owe me and then I will never have to deal with them again.

I think about John every second of every day. I know that he would be disappointed in my falling apart. He would want me to handle this in stride and just be there for the kids but at this point I feel lucky to take a shower and get through the day. I knew that things would start to hit me after the funeral and I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to be doing. I can't breathe.

I miss him so much and I am so angry at everyone. Not at him, never at him, I know that he was in so much pain and I would never want him to suffer but I am angry at all of the tears that I see others shedding over his death. When he was alive these people had nothing to do with him, they made him feel inferior and brushed him off like he was a nobody. There were people that he would have been glad to have out of his life if it weren't for me nagging him to keep the connection open. I know that myself and these four kids were the most important people in his life. We were the ones there for him every single day, we were the ones who loved him not because of what he gave us or could do for us, but because of who he was. I am trying to be gracious but there is an angry, nagging voice wanting me to tell them to all fuck off. They didn't have the time of day for him when he was alive, why act like they loved him so much now that he is dead?

It is probably apparant that I am going through the "anger" stage of grief. I am so sick of hearing about the stages...I don't give a shit that it is normal, or that it will get better. At this moment in time I am just so fucking mad that I want to beat the holy hell out of someone. Everyone keeps asking what I need. I have mentioned numerous times that I need a punching bag in the garage to work out some of this anger. Do I have one yet? No...everyone is all talk until you actually ask for something and then they all fucking disappear just like they did when he was alive. I know that I promised him that I would keep his family together, and I will continue to try. I have tried to include them but they have all done their own thing so right now, in this state of mind, I just feel as if I am wasting my energy on it. If they choose to be a part of our life then fine but I won't beg. **Edited out because what I wrote wasn't necessary...I am obviously pissed and even though I have the right to be pissed I don't have the right to hurt anyone. That would be the last thing John would want me to do. The hard part is that my anger sometimes gets the best of me and I bitch and complain and with John as my sounding board I could get it out and know that it wouldn't go any further. I never want to hurt anyone especially not the people who are my only link to John. So if you read this prior please excuse my venting...my anger doesn't give me the right to be mean.

Yesterday was Brittany's birthday. It's hard to believe that she is 17! We didn't do much because it was her play and to be honest I'm just not in the mood to celebrate much of anything. I am going to make her dinner tonight and I cheated and bought a cake instead of making one but considering the circumstances I guess that's not too bad.

We went to church today. I can't begin to explain how hard that was. We sat in the same row where we always sat with John, it was so hard to sing the songs he loved and to take communion without him by my side. Caitlyn drove me crazy because he usually held her doing church and today she wanted to sit on me the entire time which would have been ok except for I was feeling extremely nauseated. John's kids had said that they would go with us today and I don't know why I was surprised and hurt that they didn't show up. It was hard to get them to do stuff when their dad was alive, I shouldn't expect it to be different now. His sisters were there and so that was really nice, at least we weren't there alone although to be honest with you I felt completely alone. I didn't break down so I guess that is something, not even with everyone coming over to hug me and offer sympathies. I felt so lost, almost as if I were waiting for him to show up. Caitlyn was wondering why he wasn't there because the last she saw him he was at church in the casket for the funeral. I had to explain again that he is in the ground.

I find myself struggling when I pray, it is almost as if I am not praying to God but instead I am praying to John to help me which I know isn't right but right now that is the only link I have to my husband and I want so much to know that he is still here even if just in spirit. This is only the 2nd time that I have went to church without him, the only other time was a while ago when he was sick. It was strange to not have him hold my hand while we were singing or have him pull up the car to the door to pick us up because it is bitterly cold today.

I broke down last night, I'm not sure what set it off, but I was in bed and started crying and couldn't stop. I miss him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Today I went to rent movies and I explained that our account was in John's name and I don't want to get any mailings from them for him so I asked if we could take his name off of the account. It was easier to open my own account so I guess that is just one step of many that will erase him from my life. That is how it felt, as if by removing his name from the video account, it was another separation of us as a couple into me by myself. This really sucks and I can't see an end in sight to my pain.

I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers and support. I don't know what we would do without our family right now, especially our church family which has been a huge support. Speaking of which, Jenny is coming over later to help us open up the funeral cards. I am glad that I don't have to do it alone because I have a feeling that none of John's kids will show up even thought I have reminded them. I hope that this isn't the start to us drifting apart, I promised John that I wouldn't let that happen, at the same time I won't beg them to be part of our life. It is their choice, they know I am here and although I could use their help/support I can't force them to be a part of my life. I have to worry most of all about the four kids that I have at home, they have to be the most important thing right now and I know John would agree. I think back to conversations we had when he was feeling let down by his older kids and I know that he thought of these four as his kids just as much (if not sometimes more) as the others. The older kids have to make their own choices but my four still need my guidance so I will do my best to be strong for them and I can't drain my energy worrying about those who don't want to be a part of this. I know that they have to deal with it in their own way, I just hope that they understand that I have to do the same. I hope and pray that they are a part of it, but if they are not then I will just have to do this without them.

Do I sound angry? I feel angry, so I guess that wouldn't be a surprise. I guess I still have anger/hurt over the times when the older kids hurt John. Like not spending time with him, or saying they would come over but never showing up. He always said he didn't care but I knew his heart and he did care. Thankfully we had each other and there were times when we were thankful for the peace and quiet, just our little family. I don't want to isolate anyone but at the same time I can only let in those that want to be there for us and if there is someone that makes me feel drained then I will have to distance myself from them. The kids and I need as much support as we can get but I will not beg for it from anyone. All I ask is that they make it to his birthday celebration, after that it is up to them.

Went to Brittany's play tonight, they are doing "Anything Goes" which I haven't seen before. Last night was opening night and I went to that and since tonight was her birthday I wanted to go again. It was hard being there without John but luckily ViAnnah and Brandyn went with last night and they also went again tonight with the kids and John's sisters. It was hard to talk about how I was doing because I am feeling like I am in this weird emotional void but I had a nice talk with Krystal and hopefully with time this (and other events just like it) will get a bit easier.

Brandyn and ViAnnah left early because she wasn't feeling well. I was giving her a hard time and now I feel bad because I am worried. Hopefully all goes well because I don't think I (or any of the rest of us) can handle any more stress right now.

Tomorrow we are going to church for the first time without John. It is going to be hard but I know that if I don't go right away it will only get harder. It is going to be so hard to sit there without him by my side, holding my hand and helping take care of Caitlyn. He won't be next to me singing off key and I won't have his little whispers to make me laugh. When I see the older couple take communion hand in hand I will no longer look and smile and think...someday that will be John and I. I know that I am going to cry, it is a given, but I hope that I preserve some of my dignity and don't make a complete idiot out of myself.

Tonight it is snowy, windy and bitterly cold. Driving home from the play I thought about all of the things that John did that I took for granted, such as warming up the car before we got in and carrying Caitlyn into the house when she has fallen asleep. Tomorrow for church will be more of the same, he always had the car warmed up before we went anywhere and we would get dropped off at the door so that we didn't have to freeze. I have always appreciated that he did those things but you don't realize how much they mean to you until they are no longer there.

I can't help but wonder, where is he now? Does he see how much I miss him? Does he miss me just as much? I hate the fact that it makes me sad to think that he is happy where he is, I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want to think that he is so happy that he has forgotten me. It is so hard to feel as if I can go on when there are so many questions that I may never have an answer to. If your loved one is still in this world with you, cherish them, love them and make the most of every moment because time goes by way too fast and before you know it they are gone.

Here is another thing that bothers me. I am so mad right now, I am angry at God, angry at John, angry at the kids and myself. I want to just hit something or someone and get out my frustrations but of course I can't do that so I just sit here writing, rambling, wishing with all of my heart that I could be with him for just a little longer. But instead I sit here freezing, my hands cold, my heart cold, waiting for time to tick by. Hoping that this will get better but knowing that although the pain may get easier it will never completely go away.

I have spent too much time here reading over old posts. Looking for any mention of John, trying to relive the past eight years through the memories I have left here online. He was so much a part of my life, how in the world can you live a lifetime together in only eight years. He was so sweet and kind and patient and as I read over old posts I am saddened by how much I took for granted. The sweet little things that he did on a daily basis, the private intimate moments that I will always cherish, he was so much a part of my life I can't imagine how I will ever stop hurting. I am afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop and my heart hurts so bad I feel as if I can't breathe. I feel very lucky to have had these past eight years, I am so very thankful to have Caitlyn - his little princess - a child made from our love for eachother, I am thankful for the past two years when his older children came into our life, I am thankful for every moment we have shared and yet it isn't even close to being enough. I don't know if writing here will be helpful, I hope that sharing my feelings here will keep me from losing my mind which I am in fear of losing as I try to cope with the loss of my best friend, the love of my life.

John's kids have been there for me but it is so hard to see his sons and not see him in them. The way they stand, laugh, talk, smile, he is so much a part of them and it hurts to know that I will never see him again, hold him, kiss him, make love to him. How in the world do you go forward when the person who kept you going is no longer here.

The day of John's funeral was a few days ago, it was hard and I feel emotionally drained. ViAnnah (John's daughter) and Brandyn (her boyfriend) came to spend the night with me and the kids. We planned to watch sad, depressing movies because I just want to cry and let all of these tears out that don't seem to be able to fall. Anyway, Vi took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She is in shock but happy...Brandyn is in shock and scared (In his words..."Oh Man")...and I am happy for them but sad that John won't be a part of it. Brandyn and Vi have been a huge support and have spent majority of the weekend here but of course Monday will be here soon enough and I will start the 1st day of the rest of my life alone. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but honestly, I can't imagine ever loving anyone again the way I loved John. He was perfect for me, the other half of me, the sort of love that every girl dreams of and every woman longs for. I was lucky enough to find it once I am not holding my breath on ever having it again.

So I have made a commitment to myself. I want to lose weight, too many years of John's amazing cooking have settled on my stomach and hips and when he was in the hospital we both commited to taking better care of ourselves for the sake of the kids. Well, that commit falls to me alone and as their only parent it is even more important that I get healthy. I have started the slimfast plan because it is simple and doesn't require much thought or planning. I need to get batteries to weigh myself and I will post here as to my progress. It is important to me that I get in shape and look better, when I was with John it didn't matter because his love for me was beyond outside appearances but now how I look feels even more important. I don't want anyone to look at me and think...that poor widow, all alone and with the way she looks she is going to stay that way. Instead I want people to look at me and think...wow...she looks incredible...we would set her up with this handsome, rich, single friend of ours, but since she is so devoted to her husbands memory and her children she chooses not to date. Ha...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't want people to pity me I want them to see that I am strong and that I choose to be alone not because my husband has passed away and no one else would ever want me but because my love for him was so deep that no one else could ever measure up.
I think back to my single years before John and they were pretty miserable. I was so lonely and wanted so much to be loved, I settled for Eddie who was an ass and treated me like shit. I will never settle again but at the same time I fear my lonliness will get to me and I will dishonor my husbands memory by settling for the first idiot who notices me. I know in my head that I will never allow that to happen but my heart is scared and my soul is yearning for someone to love. Not just anyone, but John...my sweet, amazing husband who made me so happy I felt as if I was delirious, the one person who knew every part of me inside and out and who loved me as no other ever has. I am 34 years old...the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me but the thought of settling for someone who I don't really love scares me even more. I want to be alone on my terms because I choose to be alone but I don't want to be alone because no one else would want me. So this is my journey, where it will take me I have no idea but I hope that by writing down my thoughts, hope and sorrows I will start to heal from the biggest loss of my life.
I love you John and I always will.

Wow...it has been quite some time since I have blogged. I am feeling a bit out of touch with what to write but right now I know that I need a place to vent, write, cry, share. I doubt if anyone who remembers my old blog is reading this but just in case here is a brief bio. I started this blog while dating the love of my life John Marshall Sullivan and many of you were there during our courtship and shared my marriage as I posted the happenings here. We were married in 2002 and have enjoyed 8 years together, 5 1/2 of those as husband and wife. John (Marshall) was the love of my life and will always be my heart and soul. Our years together were ideal, the sort of thing you only find in romance novels. In 2004 we had a daughter together and John was reunited with his three adult chidren from his first marriage. The last two years have been incredible, things were just perfect, I guess maybe a bit too perfect. Last November John started getting sick and after much arguing on my part I got him to a doctor. Here is a brief outline on how quickly everything happened:

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 John was hospitalized with pneumonia, during the chest xray a mass was found in John's lung.

Thursday, January 24, 2008 John has a catscan

Friday, January 25, 2008 John has a biopsy on mass in his lung

Monday, January 28, 2008 John diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer stage IV; given a year to live

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 John sent home. He was on oxygen and was having a hard time breathing. We were told that chemo would help the pain and let his body heal. The chemo was supposed to help extend his life for as long as possible.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 John getting weaker, lots of pain, tired, no appetite, sense of humor gone, not a good day.

Friday, February 1, 2008 John worse than Thursday, went early morning to chemo, pain was worse and breathing even more labored. The doctor examined him but stats seemed ok, were warned that chemo would make him even more tired. Went home after chemo, he went to bed and wasn't very responsive. During the night his breathing was labored but he kept saying he was fine.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 John woke me up, said he was having problems breathing. I turned up oxygen level on machine and he said he had to go to the restroom. I dozed off and woke to him standing at the foot of the bed. I asked him if he was ok, he said he couldn't breathe and then collapsed onto the bed. I dialed 911 and help was here very quickly. I couldn't tell if he was breathing due to him still hooked up to oxygen. I believe that he died instantly but they did work on him. He was never resucitated and was declared dead at the hospital.

The love of my life is gone and I am feeling scared, sad, empty, angry I want to scream and I am too afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop. There is a pain in my chest that hasn't gone away. I can't imagine spending my life without my best friend, how do I go through the most difficult time in my life without the one person who is the one I would turn to to get me through it? I have so much to write but not sure where to start. I will try to collect my thoughts later. Today is a week since I have been made a widow. Thirty-four seems way too young to be a widow. John, I miss you so much, I promised you that I would be strong and keep our family together but I am scared out of my mind and all I want to do is crawl into your arms and feel them wrap around me. How am I going to do this alone?