Wow...it has been quite some time since I have blogged. I am feeling a bit out of touch with what to write but right now I know that I need a place to vent, write, cry, share. I doubt if anyone who remembers my old blog is reading this but just in case here is a brief bio. I started this blog while dating the love of my life John Marshall Sullivan and many of you were there during our courtship and shared my marriage as I posted the happenings here. We were married in 2002 and have enjoyed 8 years together, 5 1/2 of those as husband and wife. John (Marshall) was the love of my life and will always be my heart and soul. Our years together were ideal, the sort of thing you only find in romance novels. In 2004 we had a daughter together and John was reunited with his three adult chidren from his first marriage. The last two years have been incredible, things were just perfect, I guess maybe a bit too perfect. Last November John started getting sick and after much arguing on my part I got him to a doctor. Here is a brief outline on how quickly everything happened:

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 John was hospitalized with pneumonia, during the chest xray a mass was found in John's lung.

Thursday, January 24, 2008 John has a catscan

Friday, January 25, 2008 John has a biopsy on mass in his lung

Monday, January 28, 2008 John diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer stage IV; given a year to live

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 John sent home. He was on oxygen and was having a hard time breathing. We were told that chemo would help the pain and let his body heal. The chemo was supposed to help extend his life for as long as possible.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 John getting weaker, lots of pain, tired, no appetite, sense of humor gone, not a good day.

Friday, February 1, 2008 John worse than Thursday, went early morning to chemo, pain was worse and breathing even more labored. The doctor examined him but stats seemed ok, were warned that chemo would make him even more tired. Went home after chemo, he went to bed and wasn't very responsive. During the night his breathing was labored but he kept saying he was fine.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 John woke me up, said he was having problems breathing. I turned up oxygen level on machine and he said he had to go to the restroom. I dozed off and woke to him standing at the foot of the bed. I asked him if he was ok, he said he couldn't breathe and then collapsed onto the bed. I dialed 911 and help was here very quickly. I couldn't tell if he was breathing due to him still hooked up to oxygen. I believe that he died instantly but they did work on him. He was never resucitated and was declared dead at the hospital.

The love of my life is gone and I am feeling scared, sad, empty, angry I want to scream and I am too afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop. There is a pain in my chest that hasn't gone away. I can't imagine spending my life without my best friend, how do I go through the most difficult time in my life without the one person who is the one I would turn to to get me through it? I have so much to write but not sure where to start. I will try to collect my thoughts later. Today is a week since I have been made a widow. Thirty-four seems way too young to be a widow. John, I miss you so much, I promised you that I would be strong and keep our family together but I am scared out of my mind and all I want to do is crawl into your arms and feel them wrap around me. How am I going to do this alone?