Today was another long day. The kids and I went to church although I really didn't want to go. Brittany was a bit mad at me because she didn't get home from drama until late...I had predicted 3 or 4am...I was wrong. She didn't get home until after 7am! I didn't sleep all that great because I was waiting for her and so it wasn't a great morning. We did go to church and I got there just in time to teach Sunday school (I teach Britt's class) and had fun listening to Britt complain about me making her go.

I'm not sure what did it, but something in church made me start crying. It wasn't the horrible sobbing cries but it was embarrassing all the same, and of course I didn't have a kleenex. You would think that I would have learned to carry them everywhere by now! They also announced the benefit for our family which will take place next weekend in honor of what would have been John's 50th bday. After church there were several wonderful people who offered support and I did really good at not crying for quite some time but of course started crying again. I hate crying, my nose gets red and my eyes get puffy and I look like complete crap. I have always hated women who can cry and look beautiful while doing it.

After church I dreaded the thought of coming home and missing John and our normal Sunday ritual of him and the girls making pancakes for everyone and me reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee. Have I mentioned that my husband was wonderful at spoiling me? After breakfast the kids would clean up and John and Caitlyn would usually take a nap on the couch while I was either here on the computer or with them on the couch reading a book. Sundays were always relaxing days just for us. So the thought of coming home and making breakfast just didn't sound so great. Instead, the kids and I went to McDonalds for lunch and we then went to Barnes and Noble. I had wanted to find a cd with the song "Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi but before I could find it Caitlyn had to go to the restroom. We ran into a woman from church there, one whom I have seen and said hello to but never had a chance to get to know. She was very sweet and we started talking and of course I am an emotional wreck and started to tear up. She offered to buy me a cup of coffee and we sat down and had a wonderful conversation. The kids all picked out books...altough I never did find something for me...big surprise.

We then went to the movie theater to see "Enchanted" which we have been wanting to see. It was in the cheap theater which meant I spent $8 on tickets and $30 on drinks, popcorn and candy. The movie was really cute and it was a great escape from reality which is what I really needed.

Unfortunately, you always have to return to reality which I did the second we got home and I checked the mail. Waiting for me were John's death certificates. I knew it would be hard to see them, but it was even worse than I thought to see his name on there with the official state seal as well as cause of death which was listed as pneumonia as well as pericarditis (which I had to google to find out what it meant). The official term for lung cancer was also listed as a contributing factor. The pericarditis was new to me because we still haven't seen an autopsy, hopefully when we get that it will clear up some of the questions we have had. I also talked to Missy today which was nice and I'm glad I talked to her because it helps to just have someone listen. Which is probably why I continue to blog here, to feel as if someone (anyone) is listening.

So I made dinner (we still didn't eat at the table but I plan to change that tomorrow) and we watched a movie and now I am ready to go to bed...I am exhausted.