So today was a very strange day. I don't think I slept well and woke up feeling sad and very cold. For a split second I thought about waking John up to have him go check the heater but it didn't take long to remember that he wasn't there.

Anyway, my day was dragging and I was feeling out of sorts. When nap time came for the kiddies I laid down on my bed for a few minutes. I was just going to read a bit but I drifted off to sleep. I felt as if I was in the middle of being awake and asleep when suddenly I felt as if someone where in the house. I felt as if I couldn't move and I was starting to panic until I remembered that I had locked the door before I laid down. Suddenly I felt as if someone were in the room with me and I felt a warm presence next to me. I felt a soft warm light enter my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and I didn't freak out because I knew it was John's spirit entering me. It was the weirdest yet most comforting thing I have ever felt. I drifted off to sleep feeling him as part of me and when I woke up I didn't freak over a weird dream I just felt a comforting thought that he had been here with me. I could feel that he was no longer here but I can still feel the completeness of having his spirit with me. It is a comfort and yet I feel as if I were to tell this to someone they would think I was losing my mind. I guess it's a good thing that no one is reading this.

Right before it was time to wake the kiddies from their nap the doorbell rang. It was a package from the hospital where John was admited with pneumonia. He had forgotten his pillow and I had thought that Brandyn was picking it up but I kinda forgot about it. They had mailed it back to me. I broke down crying because it smelled like him and yet it smelled like the hospital as well. It just reminded me of how sick he was and how much he hated being in that hospital. I am glad that they returned it but it made me so very sad. I sat on the couch holding it close to me wishing that I was holding him instead.

I went on the local personal ads. Not because I want to date or because I will be ready to do so anytime soon but more because I am morbid and like torturing myself with what is out there if/when the time comes. Let me just say that it scared the shit out of me and the only halfway normal person on there was someone I already know who is a friend of the family and wouldn't even be an option. Let me tell you, if I ever get to the point of wanting to date, if those are the only options I will just stay single. I was so lucky to find John, he was/is the perfect person for me. There isn't anyone out there who could be as perfect for me as him. I know that I am lucky to have found him at all but I don't feel lucky right now, I just feel pissed off that I didn't have him long enough.

Last night John's sister brought over heart shaped pizza and had dinner with us. It was very sweet and they brought the kids and I valentines and candy. We had a nice dinner and talked about going to a movie this weekend. I have been wanting to go see P.S. I Love You which I read quite some time ago and John and I had actually talked about going to see it when he was feeling better (before he got really sick and we thought he just had bronchitis). Anyway, I know that it will be sad but I am hoping it will theruputic and help me get some of these emotions out.

I also received a beautiful card from John's oldest sister Juli. She is one of the few people who sent me a card addressing losing a husband specifialy instead of just a "loved one". It was a very beautiful comforting card and she also sent copies of the book plates that were put in the books that her co-worker donated to the college where she works in John's name. It was very sweet and touching and she also sent a very generous check for the kids and I. I was touched by all of it because we never really got to know her because she lives so far away. I hope that John knows of her generosity because I think he would be touched by it as I was by her generosity and even more than that by her kind words.

Well I had better get going, Shelby (6yr old granddaughter) has a dance recital tonight and I have to get everyone ready. Hopefully I don't forget the camera this time! The last time we went was her very first recital and John was there. He was so proud to see her up there and we had talked about putting Caitlyn in a class. I suppose I should look into that soon, I know that is what he really wanted. He was always such a proud daddy and grandfather and I am sure that he will be there tonight watching Shelby dance and bragging to anyone that can hear about his granddaughter.