Happy Valentine's Day...I wrote John a letter on MySpace, I seem to be doing that lately, writing him letters hoping that some how, some way he can read what I am wanting to say to him.

I realized that so far today isn't as hard as I had thought. John and I never were huge Valentine's people, we expressed our love every single day and didn't put much time into this day because we both hated crowds and would rather stay home than go out anywhere. On our first Valentines he did give me the diamond heart necklace that I wear around my neck, that was an amazing gift and still one of the only pieces of jewelry that I wear daily other than my wedding rings. I suppose that he would have given me a card today that said that the only thing he had to give me today was him. That would of course have been more than enough and I would do anything in the world to get that card. Looking back I am so glad that I was never petty over gifts and things the way some people are. That was never important to either of us which is good cause we rarely had the money to spare. What was important is that we had each other and that is what I miss the most. Just having him here with me, having him hold me.

Today I received a beautiful bouquet of 11 red roses and one white rose with a card that read:

"Happy Valentines Day!
Through his children his soul lives on. So he
sends this valentine from heaven.
I love you!"

I of course burst into tears but it was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. I thought it was his oldest sister who sent them but when I called her I found out that she had contributed but that it was Marshal and Lori's idea. That is so extremely thoughtful and I will cherish them very much. I am lucky to have John's kids in my life and although I am sure that there will be (and are) times where we drive each other crazy I hope with all my heart that we can work through those times to always be there for each other.

I also received a Valentine from Brittany who gave me a cute coffee mug with a stuffed animal in it along with a beautiful letter. The letter pretty much said that she is here for me and that we need to be there for each other instead of trying to always be so strong. Here is some of what she wrote: "This is a time for all of us to come together, but especially our family living right here in this house. I know everything is really scary right now, but we will get through it together and come out stronger. Valentines Day is a day to really appreciate the ones you love and after everything that has happened that really sticks in my mind. Happy Valentines Day mom and thank you for everything." I am definitely the one who needs to thank her, she is an amazing young lady and I am so thankful to have her here. I only have one year left before she is off to college and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own grief that I lose out on what time we have left together.

So I have had quite a few insights this Valentines Day and wherever John is I hope he knows how much I love him. There aren't words for the love I have in my heart and it doesn't matter because John has always known what is in my heart and since we never needed a silly holiday to express ourselves or our love there is no reason to start now. So one holiday to cross off my list and guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be thanks to my wonderful family.