Well, another crappy day, but I suppose that is to be expected. I spent last night shopping for groceries because a storm was supposed to hit tonight but although we had snow there was no storm. I did almost freak out on a guy though because as I walked through the aisle at Wal-Mart this fat asshole was yelling at his wife because she stopped to look at something on an endcap. He told her that she couldn't take up the entire aisle just because she wanted to stop and he just kept berating her. She turned the corner and had tears in her eyes and a look that said her spirit was pretty much gone. They were older but I was so pissed off. Why is it that God doesn't take assholes like that but instead took my wonderful, loving husband who wouldn't talk to a dog that way much less his wife? I was so tempted to tell him off but refrained myself. I seriously feel as if I am a ticking bomb and I don't think it would take much to set me off. I was actually looking for my ex because I would love to have the excuse to beat the crap out of someone.

Wal-Mart was definitely a mistake, the Valentine aisle sucked. John wasn't one for Valentine gifts, mostly because we didn't have the extra money for that sort of thing and Valentine's falls in the middle of major bdays around here but he always bought me a beautiful card and would write me such sweet messages inside. There was never a time that he gave me a card and only signed his name, he always took the time to write. Most of the time for Valentine's Day I would buy him chocolate and then the kids and I would eat them all. Maybe I should buy him a box for us to eat this year. But probably I won't because that would just be too depressing.

I need to buy some lamenating paper because there are some letters/notes that I want to make sure don't fall apart because I have been reading them so much. I came across a sheet of notebook paper behind a shopping list that we had made and there were two lines on it. He had wrote: "My Sweet Lisa, I Love You" I look at it every day and I want to make sure it doesn't disappear. I remember when my grandfather died, my grandmother had a wipe off board on the fridge, right before he died he had written on the board, "Joe loves Adeline". She never wanted it to come off but eventually it faded. I wonder if she took a picture of it? That's what I would have done.

John's nephew Dustin and his girlfriend Ashley had their baby today. It is a little boy who is healthy although he is a bit early. He weighs 4-lbs, 8-oz and is in the NICU because his lungs need a bit of help but it sounds as if he is doing well and will be able to go home in a week. I would like to go see him but he was born in the hospital where they declared John dead. I can't imagine going in that building for a very long time. I feel bad but hopefully they will understand. They haven't decided on a name yet but it sounds as if his middle name might be John. It makes me happy but sad at the same time.

I talked to Marshal's girlfriend Lori this evening. It was nice to talk to her although odd because as if have mentioned before we have never really been close. I have this problem where I always say what I think and that tends to get me into trouble. But it was nice to have someone to talk to and she said they would bring Brody over this weekend. I hope they do, I want to make sure that I am always a part of John's grandson's life.

I guess I pissed off ViAnnah but what else is new? It doesn't take much for her to get pissed off and she'll get over it. I'll just chalk it up to hormones and hope for the best. I think I am going to call Brandyn and tell him not to stop by and look at the computer because it sounds as if she has been upset about him calling me. He really hasn't even called that much but if she is going to make a big deal about it I would rather he didn't call.

Honestly, I have too much going on to worry about her temper tantrums. If her dad were here he would say the same thing. I can hear him in my mind telling me that she is acting just like her mother and to not let it get to me. I want to be there for her but like I told Lori, I am not going to beg any of them to be a part of my life. I just don't have the energy for it. I fought for this family when John was alive because I loved him so much and I would do anything to make him happy. But now he is gone and if the kids choose to be a part of our life then I would be very happy and would love to have them around but if they choose not to be then I guess that will have to be fine as well.

Brittany and I went over her classes for next year. I can't believe she is going to be a senior. I can't believe my baby is now 17. Where does the time go? There is so much going on and I just wish I could stop time for awhile so that I can have a moment to just process everything that is happening but in my crazy life that just isn't possible. So I go from moment to moment with this weight on my heart and from time to time I will cry but for the most part it is just sitting there waiting to be let out. That would probably explain why I am ready to explode.