Last night I had a call from Marshal my oldest stepson. We had a very long talk and he made me feel better about some of the things that were bothering me. I tried to explain that my biggest fear was no longer having that link to John through them. We talked about the kids and it was nice to have someone to talk to. I don't want any of the kids to feel as if they have to step in John's shoes, that of course isn't possible and part of my healing is going to be going through this alone. I just want to know that they are there, not that I plan on calling them, but it is nice to hear them say that they are there. Marshal wants me to call his girlfriend and I suppose for him I should try but we have never been close and although we are the same age (she is actually a bit older than me) we just don't have much in common. On top of that I have never been good at being a friend, not with women anyway which is why John and I clicked so well. We were friends first and after falling in love he remained above everything else my best friend. After talking to Marshal for quite some time I had a call from Brandyn, ViAnnah's boyfriend. We talked for awhile and it was nice to have somenoe to vent to but mostly it was nice to be there while he vented. I am so thankful for Brandyn because he was such a support to John while he was in the hospital that week and he has been a huge support for me and the kids. Later in the evening my dad called and we talked for a long time, mostly vented about family members who drive us crazy. My dad and I haven't always communicated well so it was nice to have that connection. Obviously, there are people out there who worry about me and want to be there for me. I am thankful for that but I still feel so lonely, so sad. I don't see an end in sight to the pain, and that is ok, I don't think that when you love someone as much as I loved John, that it should be easy and quick to recover, I just want to feel as if I am functioning.

I woke up last night at 3am to Anthony crying outside my door. He had a dream that his dad was alive and when he woke up it hit him again that he is never coming home. We sat in the livingroom and he couldn't stop crying. It is hard to struggle over the right words to give him comfort while at the same time allowing him to grieve which is what he needs. I finally went back to bed around 6am and probably shouldn't have done that because my day was off to a late start. I am feeling out of sorts today and I had an appointment which I cancelled because I just don't feel like I can handle it. I think I have conferences tonight but no one has gotten back to me as to the time because my last scheduled time was right after John passed away.

Why am I so upset when life keeps intruding on my grief? Why does it feel as if the world should stop because the most important part of my world is gone? My house is a mess, I have thank you cards to write, laundry piling up, flowers to dispose of, a driveway to shovel, paperwork to complete, phone calls to return, so many tasks that aren't a huge deal but I just want it to all go away. I want to just have complete silence as I cry and cry and cry. But of course that is a luxury that isn't going to happen and maybe looking back I will be thankful for all of the distractions but right now it just pisses me off. It just seems so wrong that life goes on, every time I laugh I feel guilty, every time I cry I feel guilty mainly because I don't want the kids to see me cry, every time I feel like screaming at the world I feel guilty. I am obviously losing my mind, I don't think I will ever feel normal again.