Went to Brittany's play tonight, they are doing "Anything Goes" which I haven't seen before. Last night was opening night and I went to that and since tonight was her birthday I wanted to go again. It was hard being there without John but luckily ViAnnah and Brandyn went with last night and they also went again tonight with the kids and John's sisters. It was hard to talk about how I was doing because I am feeling like I am in this weird emotional void but I had a nice talk with Krystal and hopefully with time this (and other events just like it) will get a bit easier.

Brandyn and ViAnnah left early because she wasn't feeling well. I was giving her a hard time and now I feel bad because I am worried. Hopefully all goes well because I don't think I (or any of the rest of us) can handle any more stress right now.

Tomorrow we are going to church for the first time without John. It is going to be hard but I know that if I don't go right away it will only get harder. It is going to be so hard to sit there without him by my side, holding my hand and helping take care of Caitlyn. He won't be next to me singing off key and I won't have his little whispers to make me laugh. When I see the older couple take communion hand in hand I will no longer look and smile and think...someday that will be John and I. I know that I am going to cry, it is a given, but I hope that I preserve some of my dignity and don't make a complete idiot out of myself.

Tonight it is snowy, windy and bitterly cold. Driving home from the play I thought about all of the things that John did that I took for granted, such as warming up the car before we got in and carrying Caitlyn into the house when she has fallen asleep. Tomorrow for church will be more of the same, he always had the car warmed up before we went anywhere and we would get dropped off at the door so that we didn't have to freeze. I have always appreciated that he did those things but you don't realize how much they mean to you until they are no longer there.

I can't help but wonder, where is he now? Does he see how much I miss him? Does he miss me just as much? I hate the fact that it makes me sad to think that he is happy where he is, I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want to think that he is so happy that he has forgotten me. It is so hard to feel as if I can go on when there are so many questions that I may never have an answer to. If your loved one is still in this world with you, cherish them, love them and make the most of every moment because time goes by way too fast and before you know it they are gone.

Here is another thing that bothers me. I am so mad right now, I am angry at God, angry at John, angry at the kids and myself. I want to just hit something or someone and get out my frustrations but of course I can't do that so I just sit here writing, rambling, wishing with all of my heart that I could be with him for just a little longer. But instead I sit here freezing, my hands cold, my heart cold, waiting for time to tick by. Hoping that this will get better but knowing that although the pain may get easier it will never completely go away.