Yesterday was Brittany's birthday. It's hard to believe that she is 17! We didn't do much because it was her play and to be honest I'm just not in the mood to celebrate much of anything. I am going to make her dinner tonight and I cheated and bought a cake instead of making one but considering the circumstances I guess that's not too bad.

We went to church today. I can't begin to explain how hard that was. We sat in the same row where we always sat with John, it was so hard to sing the songs he loved and to take communion without him by my side. Caitlyn drove me crazy because he usually held her doing church and today she wanted to sit on me the entire time which would have been ok except for I was feeling extremely nauseated. John's kids had said that they would go with us today and I don't know why I was surprised and hurt that they didn't show up. It was hard to get them to do stuff when their dad was alive, I shouldn't expect it to be different now. His sisters were there and so that was really nice, at least we weren't there alone although to be honest with you I felt completely alone. I didn't break down so I guess that is something, not even with everyone coming over to hug me and offer sympathies. I felt so lost, almost as if I were waiting for him to show up. Caitlyn was wondering why he wasn't there because the last she saw him he was at church in the casket for the funeral. I had to explain again that he is in the ground.

I find myself struggling when I pray, it is almost as if I am not praying to God but instead I am praying to John to help me which I know isn't right but right now that is the only link I have to my husband and I want so much to know that he is still here even if just in spirit. This is only the 2nd time that I have went to church without him, the only other time was a while ago when he was sick. It was strange to not have him hold my hand while we were singing or have him pull up the car to the door to pick us up because it is bitterly cold today.

I broke down last night, I'm not sure what set it off, but I was in bed and started crying and couldn't stop. I miss him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Today I went to rent movies and I explained that our account was in John's name and I don't want to get any mailings from them for him so I asked if we could take his name off of the account. It was easier to open my own account so I guess that is just one step of many that will erase him from my life. That is how it felt, as if by removing his name from the video account, it was another separation of us as a couple into me by myself. This really sucks and I can't see an end in sight to my pain.

I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers and support. I don't know what we would do without our family right now, especially our church family which has been a huge support. Speaking of which, Jenny is coming over later to help us open up the funeral cards. I am glad that I don't have to do it alone because I have a feeling that none of John's kids will show up even thought I have reminded them. I hope that this isn't the start to us drifting apart, I promised John that I wouldn't let that happen, at the same time I won't beg them to be part of our life. It is their choice, they know I am here and although I could use their help/support I can't force them to be a part of my life. I have to worry most of all about the four kids that I have at home, they have to be the most important thing right now and I know John would agree. I think back to conversations we had when he was feeling let down by his older kids and I know that he thought of these four as his kids just as much (if not sometimes more) as the others. The older kids have to make their own choices but my four still need my guidance so I will do my best to be strong for them and I can't drain my energy worrying about those who don't want to be a part of this. I know that they have to deal with it in their own way, I just hope that they understand that I have to do the same. I hope and pray that they are a part of it, but if they are not then I will just have to do this without them.

Do I sound angry? I feel angry, so I guess that wouldn't be a surprise. I guess I still have anger/hurt over the times when the older kids hurt John. Like not spending time with him, or saying they would come over but never showing up. He always said he didn't care but I knew his heart and he did care. Thankfully we had each other and there were times when we were thankful for the peace and quiet, just our little family. I don't want to isolate anyone but at the same time I can only let in those that want to be there for us and if there is someone that makes me feel drained then I will have to distance myself from them. The kids and I need as much support as we can get but I will not beg for it from anyone. All I ask is that they make it to his birthday celebration, after that it is up to them.