The past few days have been extremely difficult. It is starting to hit me that he is really gone, he is never coming back and I am completely alone. I suppose that I would feel alone regardless of how many people were around me but the aloneness seems to be hitting harder because there are quite a few people I had expected to at least hear from but haven't. I was angry with my brother but when we finally talked about it...or should I say when I yelled at him about it, he expressed that he didn't know what to say...that he felt words weren't enough and that to send a card would seem like an insult. I guess I have always tried to reach out in sympathy to those that needed it but I can think of a few times when I wasn't there for someone who needed it. As I look at those times I realize that they hit too close to home and I didn't know what to do or say.

I am trying to keep that in mind and working hard to let hurt feelings go because in the end the only person they are going to hurt is me. So I am working on finding things to be grateful for and I am working on writing down all of the wonderful memories I have of John. I have been spending quite a bit of time at CafeMom because when I write there I know that someone is reading it and in the short amount of time I have been part of that community I have found quite a bit of support. It is nice to have this blog to write and not worry about many people (if any) reading it but at the same time it is also nice to know that what you are writing is being read and it is nice to feel as if I have support out there, even if it is only in the virtual world.

So yesterday sucked, I had to apply for medical assistance and temporary food stamps for me and the kids just to help us get through until I figure out which direction I am going in. The medical part is important because I need to get a complete physical because it is more important than ever that I get healthy. As hard as it is for the kids to be without John it would be even harder if they lost me so I need to take care of myself for them and also because I promised John that I would. I really hate asking for help, there were plenty of times when John and I could have asked for assistance but we never did. We just did some creative budgeting and stretched our food as far as it would go....thank goodness for beans and rice! Sometimes I was told that we should just get over being proud and ask for help. But it wasn't just pride it was important to John and I that we do this on our own. We made the commitment to the kids and we never wanted them to feel like we had to take charity to support them. So we didn't go on fancy vacations and the kids didn't have tons of new clothes when school started and John and I sacrificed things that we would have liked to have but thanks to help from family we were always ok financially and in the important things, the things that mattered most we had far more of than a lot of people have.

We were always so happy, even when times were hard we were happy because we were together, we had our family and each other and smart, talented and wonderful kids...we were extremely lucky. So I am thankful that we never asked for help because it makes what we did together even more amazing. But now he is gone....and as much as I hate to do it, I have to ask for help. Not forever, not for very long....just until I can figure out where I am at and how I am going to juggle everything. People have always told me that assistance is there for when you really need it....well guess what? I really need it but it still sucks!