The past few days have been extremely difficult. It is starting to hit me that he is really gone, he is never coming back and I am completely alone. I suppose that I would feel alone regardless of how many people were around me but the aloneness seems to be hitting harder because there are quite a few people I had expected to at least hear from but haven't. I was angry with my brother but when we finally talked about it...or should I say when I yelled at him about it, he expressed that he didn't know what to say...that he felt words weren't enough and that to send a card would seem like an insult. I guess I have always tried to reach out in sympathy to those that needed it but I can think of a few times when I wasn't there for someone who needed it. As I look at those times I realize that they hit too close to home and I didn't know what to do or say.

I am trying to keep that in mind and working hard to let hurt feelings go because in the end the only person they are going to hurt is me. So I am working on finding things to be grateful for and I am working on writing down all of the wonderful memories I have of John. I have been spending quite a bit of time at CafeMom because when I write there I know that someone is reading it and in the short amount of time I have been part of that community I have found quite a bit of support. It is nice to have this blog to write and not worry about many people (if any) reading it but at the same time it is also nice to know that what you are writing is being read and it is nice to feel as if I have support out there, even if it is only in the virtual world.

So yesterday sucked, I had to apply for medical assistance and temporary food stamps for me and the kids just to help us get through until I figure out which direction I am going in. The medical part is important because I need to get a complete physical because it is more important than ever that I get healthy. As hard as it is for the kids to be without John it would be even harder if they lost me so I need to take care of myself for them and also because I promised John that I would. I really hate asking for help, there were plenty of times when John and I could have asked for assistance but we never did. We just did some creative budgeting and stretched our food as far as it would go....thank goodness for beans and rice! Sometimes I was told that we should just get over being proud and ask for help. But it wasn't just pride it was important to John and I that we do this on our own. We made the commitment to the kids and we never wanted them to feel like we had to take charity to support them. So we didn't go on fancy vacations and the kids didn't have tons of new clothes when school started and John and I sacrificed things that we would have liked to have but thanks to help from family we were always ok financially and in the important things, the things that mattered most we had far more of than a lot of people have.

We were always so happy, even when times were hard we were happy because we were together, we had our family and each other and smart, talented and wonderful kids...we were extremely lucky. So I am thankful that we never asked for help because it makes what we did together even more amazing. But now he is gone....and as much as I hate to do it, I have to ask for help. Not forever, not for very long....just until I can figure out where I am at and how I am going to juggle everything. People have always told me that assistance is there for when you really need it....well guess what? I really need it but it still sucks!

So today was pretty much a crap day. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I was upset because I hadn't heard from my brother since the funeral and although I understood that he couldn't make it to the funeral I was upset that him and his stupid wife didn't even think to send a card. I was venting, I'm sorry, I need to do that sometimes and since John isn't here to listen to me vent I was stupid and vented to her. I asked her to NOT tell my brother but of course that is the first thing she does and surprise, surprise, my brother calls.

I didn't want him to call because someone told him to call, I am just sick of feeling so alone. He isn't the only one not calling, since the funeral I haven't heard from quite a few people and the only ones I have seen are my sister (because she has to drop of Tyler for daycare), women from church who have been bringing food, and John's sisters. I did see Marshal but that is only because I went to Shelby's dance recital oh yeah and ViAnnah but only because she needed me to drive her to the emergency room. All of the kids had promised to stop by this weekend...of course they didn't...big shocker there. I know that not everyone's life stops because my husband is dead but it sure as hell would be nice if all of my family who promised John that they would be here for me and the kids would at least pretend to follow through for the first month or so.

So I started yelling at my brother and mostly I was yelling cause I was mad at my mom for having such a big mouth. I'm not even going to bother calling her about this because she is just so wrapped up in "her pain" that she just makes me mad. I can't help but wonder if her "pain" is because MY husband is dead or is it because the attention isn't all focused on her.

Okay, so now I sound like a bitter bitch. Sorry...I am bitter and angry and bitchy and you know what, it doesn't matter because for the most part there isn't anyone around who gives a shit. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives and that is fine except what hurts the most is that John and I would both have been there completely for anyone that we know if the circumstances were reversed. My sister would call on my husband for every little thing even though she has her own boyfriend who was capable of doing those things, do you think now her or her boyfriend would think to stop by to see if maybe I need help shoveling snow or fixing a sump pump that isn't working? Of course not, because that would be too much work. Not to mention that most people don't have a problem asking for help, I should know because my husband was always the person they would call. I don't like asking for help, and now that I have had to ask for help it sucks because the few things that I have asked for haven't been done. I still can't do laundry, my sump pump is still broken and I can't even get a stupid punching bag so that I can get some of this anger out without having to write mean nasty things that will make me feel guilty later.

I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so mad and not having the one person here who would always be able to calm me and make me laugh. I hate that I can't vent to someone and not be able to trust that they will keep their mouth shut about it. I hate that I have to sit in my room all night, alone crying because it is so empty without him. I hate that I am starting to get mad at him. I hate that it will be a long fucking time before I can be with him again and I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I hate being asked how I am doing. Seriously...how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?! How do you think I am doing?

Today was another long day. The kids and I went to church although I really didn't want to go. Brittany was a bit mad at me because she didn't get home from drama until late...I had predicted 3 or 4am...I was wrong. She didn't get home until after 7am! I didn't sleep all that great because I was waiting for her and so it wasn't a great morning. We did go to church and I got there just in time to teach Sunday school (I teach Britt's class) and had fun listening to Britt complain about me making her go.

I'm not sure what did it, but something in church made me start crying. It wasn't the horrible sobbing cries but it was embarrassing all the same, and of course I didn't have a kleenex. You would think that I would have learned to carry them everywhere by now! They also announced the benefit for our family which will take place next weekend in honor of what would have been John's 50th bday. After church there were several wonderful people who offered support and I did really good at not crying for quite some time but of course started crying again. I hate crying, my nose gets red and my eyes get puffy and I look like complete crap. I have always hated women who can cry and look beautiful while doing it.

After church I dreaded the thought of coming home and missing John and our normal Sunday ritual of him and the girls making pancakes for everyone and me reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee. Have I mentioned that my husband was wonderful at spoiling me? After breakfast the kids would clean up and John and Caitlyn would usually take a nap on the couch while I was either here on the computer or with them on the couch reading a book. Sundays were always relaxing days just for us. So the thought of coming home and making breakfast just didn't sound so great. Instead, the kids and I went to McDonalds for lunch and we then went to Barnes and Noble. I had wanted to find a cd with the song "Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi but before I could find it Caitlyn had to go to the restroom. We ran into a woman from church there, one whom I have seen and said hello to but never had a chance to get to know. She was very sweet and we started talking and of course I am an emotional wreck and started to tear up. She offered to buy me a cup of coffee and we sat down and had a wonderful conversation. The kids all picked out books...altough I never did find something for me...big surprise.

We then went to the movie theater to see "Enchanted" which we have been wanting to see. It was in the cheap theater which meant I spent $8 on tickets and $30 on drinks, popcorn and candy. The movie was really cute and it was a great escape from reality which is what I really needed.

Unfortunately, you always have to return to reality which I did the second we got home and I checked the mail. Waiting for me were John's death certificates. I knew it would be hard to see them, but it was even worse than I thought to see his name on there with the official state seal as well as cause of death which was listed as pneumonia as well as pericarditis (which I had to google to find out what it meant). The official term for lung cancer was also listed as a contributing factor. The pericarditis was new to me because we still haven't seen an autopsy, hopefully when we get that it will clear up some of the questions we have had. I also talked to Missy today which was nice and I'm glad I talked to her because it helps to just have someone listen. Which is probably why I continue to blog here, to feel as if someone (anyone) is listening.

So I made dinner (we still didn't eat at the table but I plan to change that tomorrow) and we watched a movie and now I am ready to go to bed...I am exhausted.

Today was a long, draining day. I went to see P.S. I Love You with Rocky, Ver, and Kristy this afternoon. I read the book a few years ago so I knew what it was about, in fact John and I had talked about going to see it when it first came out. Well, I just have to say that I am so glad I went. I sometimes have a hard time dealing with wanting to cry, I am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Well, in this case the tears were mingled with laughter and it was a very theraputic experience. There were parts that had me sobbing and there were parts that freaked me out because they were similar. John was of course Irish (although he didn't have that sexy accent) and he was silly and would sing way off key. He loved to dance and always knew how to make me laugh. The scene in the karoke bar had me crying because the last time we went out as a couple was to a karoke bar. We both always talked about going to Ireland together, in fact when we first started dating that was one of the first things we found we had in common, we both have always wanted to go to Ireland. Some of the scenes with the mother were similar and well there were a few more things. Mostly it was just the words, her feeling of having him hold her in bed, her feeling him close, turning to wake him up and finding him not there, I am sure that anyone who has lost a spouse would completely relate to this movie. At the end I sobbed because many of the things that were in the last letter were things that John said to me before he died. His sister told me that the letters would have been something John would have done if he would have had more time. I agree and although it would be nice to get a letter from him it would also be extremely hard, I fall apart as it is when I come across an old grocery list in his hand writing.

After the movie we went out to eat and we talked for quite some time. It was nice to be able to talk to his sisters and get insight into the years before I was part of his life. I can't even put into words what we shared because we talked for quite some time, I am just thankful that we were there together and I am sure that we will be doing that again soon.

I had a call from ViAnnah as we were leaving the restaurant and she was upset with Brandyn and asked us to take her to the emergency room. I talked to her a bit ago and she sounds fine and they didn't find anything wrong so I am sure that it is just stress. Hopefully she doesn't let her hormones get the best of her and I hope that all is well with her and the baby for the next 8 months or so. I did have a breakdown when we took her to the emergency room. She lives right across the street from the hospital where John found out he had cancer and also where they took him before they pronounced him dead. I was in a hurry to get her to the doctor because I promised Britt I would be at her play tonight. So it wasn't until we walked into the emergency room that it hit me where we were. I walked her inside, she got registered and when we walked into the waiting room I freaked out. I had to run outside and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. When John left the hospital we had to leave out of the emergency exit because the main doors were locked and a few days later after he collapsed at home the ambulance took him back to that same hospital. John's sisters found me outside crying and we talked about how hard it was to be there. Rocky showed me where the ambulance came through and she told me that she seen me stand there and kiss him as they wheeled him out of the ambulance. I didn't know anyone had seen that, that was the last time that I was able to kiss his warm face even though in my heart I knew that he was gone. I finally pulled myself together and we went back inside only to go back to a room with ViAnnah which was right next to the room where we saw John after he was declared dead. It was very hard but at the same time the tears felt healing and I suppose it is all part of the process. Maybe it was better to get it out of the way instead of waiting until years later and falling apart out of the blue.

Needless to say, by the time I left the hospital all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. But of course I couldn't do that because I still had to go to Brittany's play. So I got home, took a quick shower and made it just in time. Thankfully my friend Kristy was there early to get us tickets. The show was amazing and I am glad that I was able to see the last performance. Now I get to wait up all night for Britt to get home because they have strike (tearing down of the set) right afterwards and she won't be home until around 3 or 4am. We also have church in the morning so I suppose I should try to get some rest although I really don't think I will be able to fall asleep until Britt is home.

So today was a very strange day. I don't think I slept well and woke up feeling sad and very cold. For a split second I thought about waking John up to have him go check the heater but it didn't take long to remember that he wasn't there.

Anyway, my day was dragging and I was feeling out of sorts. When nap time came for the kiddies I laid down on my bed for a few minutes. I was just going to read a bit but I drifted off to sleep. I felt as if I was in the middle of being awake and asleep when suddenly I felt as if someone where in the house. I felt as if I couldn't move and I was starting to panic until I remembered that I had locked the door before I laid down. Suddenly I felt as if someone were in the room with me and I felt a warm presence next to me. I felt a soft warm light enter my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and I didn't freak out because I knew it was John's spirit entering me. It was the weirdest yet most comforting thing I have ever felt. I drifted off to sleep feeling him as part of me and when I woke up I didn't freak over a weird dream I just felt a comforting thought that he had been here with me. I could feel that he was no longer here but I can still feel the completeness of having his spirit with me. It is a comfort and yet I feel as if I were to tell this to someone they would think I was losing my mind. I guess it's a good thing that no one is reading this.

Right before it was time to wake the kiddies from their nap the doorbell rang. It was a package from the hospital where John was admited with pneumonia. He had forgotten his pillow and I had thought that Brandyn was picking it up but I kinda forgot about it. They had mailed it back to me. I broke down crying because it smelled like him and yet it smelled like the hospital as well. It just reminded me of how sick he was and how much he hated being in that hospital. I am glad that they returned it but it made me so very sad. I sat on the couch holding it close to me wishing that I was holding him instead.

I went on the local personal ads. Not because I want to date or because I will be ready to do so anytime soon but more because I am morbid and like torturing myself with what is out there if/when the time comes. Let me just say that it scared the shit out of me and the only halfway normal person on there was someone I already know who is a friend of the family and wouldn't even be an option. Let me tell you, if I ever get to the point of wanting to date, if those are the only options I will just stay single. I was so lucky to find John, he was/is the perfect person for me. There isn't anyone out there who could be as perfect for me as him. I know that I am lucky to have found him at all but I don't feel lucky right now, I just feel pissed off that I didn't have him long enough.

Last night John's sister brought over heart shaped pizza and had dinner with us. It was very sweet and they brought the kids and I valentines and candy. We had a nice dinner and talked about going to a movie this weekend. I have been wanting to go see P.S. I Love You which I read quite some time ago and John and I had actually talked about going to see it when he was feeling better (before he got really sick and we thought he just had bronchitis). Anyway, I know that it will be sad but I am hoping it will theruputic and help me get some of these emotions out.

I also received a beautiful card from John's oldest sister Juli. She is one of the few people who sent me a card addressing losing a husband specifialy instead of just a "loved one". It was a very beautiful comforting card and she also sent copies of the book plates that were put in the books that her co-worker donated to the college where she works in John's name. It was very sweet and touching and she also sent a very generous check for the kids and I. I was touched by all of it because we never really got to know her because she lives so far away. I hope that John knows of her generosity because I think he would be touched by it as I was by her generosity and even more than that by her kind words.

Well I had better get going, Shelby (6yr old granddaughter) has a dance recital tonight and I have to get everyone ready. Hopefully I don't forget the camera this time! The last time we went was her very first recital and John was there. He was so proud to see her up there and we had talked about putting Caitlyn in a class. I suppose I should look into that soon, I know that is what he really wanted. He was always such a proud daddy and grandfather and I am sure that he will be there tonight watching Shelby dance and bragging to anyone that can hear about his granddaughter.

Happy Valentine's Day...I wrote John a letter on MySpace, I seem to be doing that lately, writing him letters hoping that some how, some way he can read what I am wanting to say to him.

I realized that so far today isn't as hard as I had thought. John and I never were huge Valentine's people, we expressed our love every single day and didn't put much time into this day because we both hated crowds and would rather stay home than go out anywhere. On our first Valentines he did give me the diamond heart necklace that I wear around my neck, that was an amazing gift and still one of the only pieces of jewelry that I wear daily other than my wedding rings. I suppose that he would have given me a card today that said that the only thing he had to give me today was him. That would of course have been more than enough and I would do anything in the world to get that card. Looking back I am so glad that I was never petty over gifts and things the way some people are. That was never important to either of us which is good cause we rarely had the money to spare. What was important is that we had each other and that is what I miss the most. Just having him here with me, having him hold me.

Today I received a beautiful bouquet of 11 red roses and one white rose with a card that read:

"Happy Valentines Day!
Through his children his soul lives on. So he
sends this valentine from heaven.
I love you!"

I of course burst into tears but it was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. I thought it was his oldest sister who sent them but when I called her I found out that she had contributed but that it was Marshal and Lori's idea. That is so extremely thoughtful and I will cherish them very much. I am lucky to have John's kids in my life and although I am sure that there will be (and are) times where we drive each other crazy I hope with all my heart that we can work through those times to always be there for each other.

I also received a Valentine from Brittany who gave me a cute coffee mug with a stuffed animal in it along with a beautiful letter. The letter pretty much said that she is here for me and that we need to be there for each other instead of trying to always be so strong. Here is some of what she wrote: "This is a time for all of us to come together, but especially our family living right here in this house. I know everything is really scary right now, but we will get through it together and come out stronger. Valentines Day is a day to really appreciate the ones you love and after everything that has happened that really sticks in my mind. Happy Valentines Day mom and thank you for everything." I am definitely the one who needs to thank her, she is an amazing young lady and I am so thankful to have her here. I only have one year left before she is off to college and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own grief that I lose out on what time we have left together.

So I have had quite a few insights this Valentines Day and wherever John is I hope he knows how much I love him. There aren't words for the love I have in my heart and it doesn't matter because John has always known what is in my heart and since we never needed a silly holiday to express ourselves or our love there is no reason to start now. So one holiday to cross off my list and guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be thanks to my wonderful family.

Well, another crappy day, but I suppose that is to be expected. I spent last night shopping for groceries because a storm was supposed to hit tonight but although we had snow there was no storm. I did almost freak out on a guy though because as I walked through the aisle at Wal-Mart this fat asshole was yelling at his wife because she stopped to look at something on an endcap. He told her that she couldn't take up the entire aisle just because she wanted to stop and he just kept berating her. She turned the corner and had tears in her eyes and a look that said her spirit was pretty much gone. They were older but I was so pissed off. Why is it that God doesn't take assholes like that but instead took my wonderful, loving husband who wouldn't talk to a dog that way much less his wife? I was so tempted to tell him off but refrained myself. I seriously feel as if I am a ticking bomb and I don't think it would take much to set me off. I was actually looking for my ex because I would love to have the excuse to beat the crap out of someone.

Wal-Mart was definitely a mistake, the Valentine aisle sucked. John wasn't one for Valentine gifts, mostly because we didn't have the extra money for that sort of thing and Valentine's falls in the middle of major bdays around here but he always bought me a beautiful card and would write me such sweet messages inside. There was never a time that he gave me a card and only signed his name, he always took the time to write. Most of the time for Valentine's Day I would buy him chocolate and then the kids and I would eat them all. Maybe I should buy him a box for us to eat this year. But probably I won't because that would just be too depressing.

I need to buy some lamenating paper because there are some letters/notes that I want to make sure don't fall apart because I have been reading them so much. I came across a sheet of notebook paper behind a shopping list that we had made and there were two lines on it. He had wrote: "My Sweet Lisa, I Love You" I look at it every day and I want to make sure it doesn't disappear. I remember when my grandfather died, my grandmother had a wipe off board on the fridge, right before he died he had written on the board, "Joe loves Adeline". She never wanted it to come off but eventually it faded. I wonder if she took a picture of it? That's what I would have done.

John's nephew Dustin and his girlfriend Ashley had their baby today. It is a little boy who is healthy although he is a bit early. He weighs 4-lbs, 8-oz and is in the NICU because his lungs need a bit of help but it sounds as if he is doing well and will be able to go home in a week. I would like to go see him but he was born in the hospital where they declared John dead. I can't imagine going in that building for a very long time. I feel bad but hopefully they will understand. They haven't decided on a name yet but it sounds as if his middle name might be John. It makes me happy but sad at the same time.

I talked to Marshal's girlfriend Lori this evening. It was nice to talk to her although odd because as if have mentioned before we have never really been close. I have this problem where I always say what I think and that tends to get me into trouble. But it was nice to have someone to talk to and she said they would bring Brody over this weekend. I hope they do, I want to make sure that I am always a part of John's grandson's life.

I guess I pissed off ViAnnah but what else is new? It doesn't take much for her to get pissed off and she'll get over it. I'll just chalk it up to hormones and hope for the best. I think I am going to call Brandyn and tell him not to stop by and look at the computer because it sounds as if she has been upset about him calling me. He really hasn't even called that much but if she is going to make a big deal about it I would rather he didn't call.

Honestly, I have too much going on to worry about her temper tantrums. If her dad were here he would say the same thing. I can hear him in my mind telling me that she is acting just like her mother and to not let it get to me. I want to be there for her but like I told Lori, I am not going to beg any of them to be a part of my life. I just don't have the energy for it. I fought for this family when John was alive because I loved him so much and I would do anything to make him happy. But now he is gone and if the kids choose to be a part of our life then I would be very happy and would love to have them around but if they choose not to be then I guess that will have to be fine as well.

Brittany and I went over her classes for next year. I can't believe she is going to be a senior. I can't believe my baby is now 17. Where does the time go? There is so much going on and I just wish I could stop time for awhile so that I can have a moment to just process everything that is happening but in my crazy life that just isn't possible. So I go from moment to moment with this weight on my heart and from time to time I will cry but for the most part it is just sitting there waiting to be let out. That would probably explain why I am ready to explode.

Last night I had a call from Marshal my oldest stepson. We had a very long talk and he made me feel better about some of the things that were bothering me. I tried to explain that my biggest fear was no longer having that link to John through them. We talked about the kids and it was nice to have someone to talk to. I don't want any of the kids to feel as if they have to step in John's shoes, that of course isn't possible and part of my healing is going to be going through this alone. I just want to know that they are there, not that I plan on calling them, but it is nice to hear them say that they are there. Marshal wants me to call his girlfriend and I suppose for him I should try but we have never been close and although we are the same age (she is actually a bit older than me) we just don't have much in common. On top of that I have never been good at being a friend, not with women anyway which is why John and I clicked so well. We were friends first and after falling in love he remained above everything else my best friend. After talking to Marshal for quite some time I had a call from Brandyn, ViAnnah's boyfriend. We talked for awhile and it was nice to have somenoe to vent to but mostly it was nice to be there while he vented. I am so thankful for Brandyn because he was such a support to John while he was in the hospital that week and he has been a huge support for me and the kids. Later in the evening my dad called and we talked for a long time, mostly vented about family members who drive us crazy. My dad and I haven't always communicated well so it was nice to have that connection. Obviously, there are people out there who worry about me and want to be there for me. I am thankful for that but I still feel so lonely, so sad. I don't see an end in sight to the pain, and that is ok, I don't think that when you love someone as much as I loved John, that it should be easy and quick to recover, I just want to feel as if I am functioning.

I woke up last night at 3am to Anthony crying outside my door. He had a dream that his dad was alive and when he woke up it hit him again that he is never coming home. We sat in the livingroom and he couldn't stop crying. It is hard to struggle over the right words to give him comfort while at the same time allowing him to grieve which is what he needs. I finally went back to bed around 6am and probably shouldn't have done that because my day was off to a late start. I am feeling out of sorts today and I had an appointment which I cancelled because I just don't feel like I can handle it. I think I have conferences tonight but no one has gotten back to me as to the time because my last scheduled time was right after John passed away.

Why am I so upset when life keeps intruding on my grief? Why does it feel as if the world should stop because the most important part of my world is gone? My house is a mess, I have thank you cards to write, laundry piling up, flowers to dispose of, a driveway to shovel, paperwork to complete, phone calls to return, so many tasks that aren't a huge deal but I just want it to all go away. I want to just have complete silence as I cry and cry and cry. But of course that is a luxury that isn't going to happen and maybe looking back I will be thankful for all of the distractions but right now it just pisses me off. It just seems so wrong that life goes on, every time I laugh I feel guilty, every time I cry I feel guilty mainly because I don't want the kids to see me cry, every time I feel like screaming at the world I feel guilty. I am obviously losing my mind, I don't think I will ever feel normal again.

Well, it's Monday, I woke up remembering how every other Monday went with John hitting snooze on the alarm clock and me pulling him back in bed with me to cuddle up and stay warm against the cold air waiting outside of our bed. I would hold him close and he would hold my hand as it wrapped around his chest. His finger would straighten out my wedding ring and then he would tuck my hand into his. We would doze off to sleep until he would wake with a start and tell me not to do that again because he was going to be late. I would laugh at him and we would start our day with a rush. Him making coffee, me in the bathroom, a quick kiss goodbye. Nothing life altering, just a normal Monday that will never be the same again.

Instead I wake up to an empty bed, no one to cuddle with, no one to share coffee or a kiss with. Just me, getting the kids out the door, me left behind in a quiet house with no direction as to what to do next. How does my life go on when the person who kept me sane is no longer here. I still feel as if I can't breathe and all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Someone recommended that I call a local agency that is supposed to be there to help families with counseling but they were pretty much useless, I explained the situation but I can't afford their help and the lady kept saying that they didn't have services to help a 3-yr old with grief so she didn't know if there was a point in bringing her in. What the fuck? Then she said she might be able to make us a hardship case and at that point I just said thanks, but no thanks and hung up.

I feel myself getting more and more angry. I feel so alone even though there are people offering help and then I get a stupid call from K.H., wanting me to feel sorry for her because her daughter needs medical attention (among other things in my opinion) and has dumped her kids off on her. Let's see...my husband is dead....she needs to be a grandmother and help her daughter in need. Sorry...I have no sympathy. I am just thankful they are going to pay me the money they owe me and then I will never have to deal with them again.

I think about John every second of every day. I know that he would be disappointed in my falling apart. He would want me to handle this in stride and just be there for the kids but at this point I feel lucky to take a shower and get through the day. I knew that things would start to hit me after the funeral and I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to be doing. I can't breathe.

I miss him so much and I am so angry at everyone. Not at him, never at him, I know that he was in so much pain and I would never want him to suffer but I am angry at all of the tears that I see others shedding over his death. When he was alive these people had nothing to do with him, they made him feel inferior and brushed him off like he was a nobody. There were people that he would have been glad to have out of his life if it weren't for me nagging him to keep the connection open. I know that myself and these four kids were the most important people in his life. We were the ones there for him every single day, we were the ones who loved him not because of what he gave us or could do for us, but because of who he was. I am trying to be gracious but there is an angry, nagging voice wanting me to tell them to all fuck off. They didn't have the time of day for him when he was alive, why act like they loved him so much now that he is dead?

It is probably apparant that I am going through the "anger" stage of grief. I am so sick of hearing about the stages...I don't give a shit that it is normal, or that it will get better. At this moment in time I am just so fucking mad that I want to beat the holy hell out of someone. Everyone keeps asking what I need. I have mentioned numerous times that I need a punching bag in the garage to work out some of this anger. Do I have one yet? No...everyone is all talk until you actually ask for something and then they all fucking disappear just like they did when he was alive. I know that I promised him that I would keep his family together, and I will continue to try. I have tried to include them but they have all done their own thing so right now, in this state of mind, I just feel as if I am wasting my energy on it. If they choose to be a part of our life then fine but I won't beg. **Edited out because what I wrote wasn't necessary...I am obviously pissed and even though I have the right to be pissed I don't have the right to hurt anyone. That would be the last thing John would want me to do. The hard part is that my anger sometimes gets the best of me and I bitch and complain and with John as my sounding board I could get it out and know that it wouldn't go any further. I never want to hurt anyone especially not the people who are my only link to John. So if you read this prior please excuse my venting...my anger doesn't give me the right to be mean.

Yesterday was Brittany's birthday. It's hard to believe that she is 17! We didn't do much because it was her play and to be honest I'm just not in the mood to celebrate much of anything. I am going to make her dinner tonight and I cheated and bought a cake instead of making one but considering the circumstances I guess that's not too bad.

We went to church today. I can't begin to explain how hard that was. We sat in the same row where we always sat with John, it was so hard to sing the songs he loved and to take communion without him by my side. Caitlyn drove me crazy because he usually held her doing church and today she wanted to sit on me the entire time which would have been ok except for I was feeling extremely nauseated. John's kids had said that they would go with us today and I don't know why I was surprised and hurt that they didn't show up. It was hard to get them to do stuff when their dad was alive, I shouldn't expect it to be different now. His sisters were there and so that was really nice, at least we weren't there alone although to be honest with you I felt completely alone. I didn't break down so I guess that is something, not even with everyone coming over to hug me and offer sympathies. I felt so lost, almost as if I were waiting for him to show up. Caitlyn was wondering why he wasn't there because the last she saw him he was at church in the casket for the funeral. I had to explain again that he is in the ground.

I find myself struggling when I pray, it is almost as if I am not praying to God but instead I am praying to John to help me which I know isn't right but right now that is the only link I have to my husband and I want so much to know that he is still here even if just in spirit. This is only the 2nd time that I have went to church without him, the only other time was a while ago when he was sick. It was strange to not have him hold my hand while we were singing or have him pull up the car to the door to pick us up because it is bitterly cold today.

I broke down last night, I'm not sure what set it off, but I was in bed and started crying and couldn't stop. I miss him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Today I went to rent movies and I explained that our account was in John's name and I don't want to get any mailings from them for him so I asked if we could take his name off of the account. It was easier to open my own account so I guess that is just one step of many that will erase him from my life. That is how it felt, as if by removing his name from the video account, it was another separation of us as a couple into me by myself. This really sucks and I can't see an end in sight to my pain.

I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers and support. I don't know what we would do without our family right now, especially our church family which has been a huge support. Speaking of which, Jenny is coming over later to help us open up the funeral cards. I am glad that I don't have to do it alone because I have a feeling that none of John's kids will show up even thought I have reminded them. I hope that this isn't the start to us drifting apart, I promised John that I wouldn't let that happen, at the same time I won't beg them to be part of our life. It is their choice, they know I am here and although I could use their help/support I can't force them to be a part of my life. I have to worry most of all about the four kids that I have at home, they have to be the most important thing right now and I know John would agree. I think back to conversations we had when he was feeling let down by his older kids and I know that he thought of these four as his kids just as much (if not sometimes more) as the others. The older kids have to make their own choices but my four still need my guidance so I will do my best to be strong for them and I can't drain my energy worrying about those who don't want to be a part of this. I know that they have to deal with it in their own way, I just hope that they understand that I have to do the same. I hope and pray that they are a part of it, but if they are not then I will just have to do this without them.

Do I sound angry? I feel angry, so I guess that wouldn't be a surprise. I guess I still have anger/hurt over the times when the older kids hurt John. Like not spending time with him, or saying they would come over but never showing up. He always said he didn't care but I knew his heart and he did care. Thankfully we had each other and there were times when we were thankful for the peace and quiet, just our little family. I don't want to isolate anyone but at the same time I can only let in those that want to be there for us and if there is someone that makes me feel drained then I will have to distance myself from them. The kids and I need as much support as we can get but I will not beg for it from anyone. All I ask is that they make it to his birthday celebration, after that it is up to them.

Went to Brittany's play tonight, they are doing "Anything Goes" which I haven't seen before. Last night was opening night and I went to that and since tonight was her birthday I wanted to go again. It was hard being there without John but luckily ViAnnah and Brandyn went with last night and they also went again tonight with the kids and John's sisters. It was hard to talk about how I was doing because I am feeling like I am in this weird emotional void but I had a nice talk with Krystal and hopefully with time this (and other events just like it) will get a bit easier.

Brandyn and ViAnnah left early because she wasn't feeling well. I was giving her a hard time and now I feel bad because I am worried. Hopefully all goes well because I don't think I (or any of the rest of us) can handle any more stress right now.

Tomorrow we are going to church for the first time without John. It is going to be hard but I know that if I don't go right away it will only get harder. It is going to be so hard to sit there without him by my side, holding my hand and helping take care of Caitlyn. He won't be next to me singing off key and I won't have his little whispers to make me laugh. When I see the older couple take communion hand in hand I will no longer look and smile and think...someday that will be John and I. I know that I am going to cry, it is a given, but I hope that I preserve some of my dignity and don't make a complete idiot out of myself.

Tonight it is snowy, windy and bitterly cold. Driving home from the play I thought about all of the things that John did that I took for granted, such as warming up the car before we got in and carrying Caitlyn into the house when she has fallen asleep. Tomorrow for church will be more of the same, he always had the car warmed up before we went anywhere and we would get dropped off at the door so that we didn't have to freeze. I have always appreciated that he did those things but you don't realize how much they mean to you until they are no longer there.

I can't help but wonder, where is he now? Does he see how much I miss him? Does he miss me just as much? I hate the fact that it makes me sad to think that he is happy where he is, I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want to think that he is so happy that he has forgotten me. It is so hard to feel as if I can go on when there are so many questions that I may never have an answer to. If your loved one is still in this world with you, cherish them, love them and make the most of every moment because time goes by way too fast and before you know it they are gone.

Here is another thing that bothers me. I am so mad right now, I am angry at God, angry at John, angry at the kids and myself. I want to just hit something or someone and get out my frustrations but of course I can't do that so I just sit here writing, rambling, wishing with all of my heart that I could be with him for just a little longer. But instead I sit here freezing, my hands cold, my heart cold, waiting for time to tick by. Hoping that this will get better but knowing that although the pain may get easier it will never completely go away.

I have spent too much time here reading over old posts. Looking for any mention of John, trying to relive the past eight years through the memories I have left here online. He was so much a part of my life, how in the world can you live a lifetime together in only eight years. He was so sweet and kind and patient and as I read over old posts I am saddened by how much I took for granted. The sweet little things that he did on a daily basis, the private intimate moments that I will always cherish, he was so much a part of my life I can't imagine how I will ever stop hurting. I am afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop and my heart hurts so bad I feel as if I can't breathe. I feel very lucky to have had these past eight years, I am so very thankful to have Caitlyn - his little princess - a child made from our love for eachother, I am thankful for the past two years when his older children came into our life, I am thankful for every moment we have shared and yet it isn't even close to being enough. I don't know if writing here will be helpful, I hope that sharing my feelings here will keep me from losing my mind which I am in fear of losing as I try to cope with the loss of my best friend, the love of my life.

John's kids have been there for me but it is so hard to see his sons and not see him in them. The way they stand, laugh, talk, smile, he is so much a part of them and it hurts to know that I will never see him again, hold him, kiss him, make love to him. How in the world do you go forward when the person who kept you going is no longer here.

The day of John's funeral was a few days ago, it was hard and I feel emotionally drained. ViAnnah (John's daughter) and Brandyn (her boyfriend) came to spend the night with me and the kids. We planned to watch sad, depressing movies because I just want to cry and let all of these tears out that don't seem to be able to fall. Anyway, Vi took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She is in shock but happy...Brandyn is in shock and scared (In his words..."Oh Man")...and I am happy for them but sad that John won't be a part of it. Brandyn and Vi have been a huge support and have spent majority of the weekend here but of course Monday will be here soon enough and I will start the 1st day of the rest of my life alone. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but honestly, I can't imagine ever loving anyone again the way I loved John. He was perfect for me, the other half of me, the sort of love that every girl dreams of and every woman longs for. I was lucky enough to find it once I am not holding my breath on ever having it again.

So I have made a commitment to myself. I want to lose weight, too many years of John's amazing cooking have settled on my stomach and hips and when he was in the hospital we both commited to taking better care of ourselves for the sake of the kids. Well, that commit falls to me alone and as their only parent it is even more important that I get healthy. I have started the slimfast plan because it is simple and doesn't require much thought or planning. I need to get batteries to weigh myself and I will post here as to my progress. It is important to me that I get in shape and look better, when I was with John it didn't matter because his love for me was beyond outside appearances but now how I look feels even more important. I don't want anyone to look at me and think...that poor widow, all alone and with the way she looks she is going to stay that way. Instead I want people to look at me and think...wow...she looks incredible...we would set her up with this handsome, rich, single friend of ours, but since she is so devoted to her husbands memory and her children she chooses not to date. Ha...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't want people to pity me I want them to see that I am strong and that I choose to be alone not because my husband has passed away and no one else would ever want me but because my love for him was so deep that no one else could ever measure up.
I think back to my single years before John and they were pretty miserable. I was so lonely and wanted so much to be loved, I settled for Eddie who was an ass and treated me like shit. I will never settle again but at the same time I fear my lonliness will get to me and I will dishonor my husbands memory by settling for the first idiot who notices me. I know in my head that I will never allow that to happen but my heart is scared and my soul is yearning for someone to love. Not just anyone, but John...my sweet, amazing husband who made me so happy I felt as if I was delirious, the one person who knew every part of me inside and out and who loved me as no other ever has. I am 34 years old...the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me but the thought of settling for someone who I don't really love scares me even more. I want to be alone on my terms because I choose to be alone but I don't want to be alone because no one else would want me. So this is my journey, where it will take me I have no idea but I hope that by writing down my thoughts, hope and sorrows I will start to heal from the biggest loss of my life.
I love you John and I always will.

Wow...it has been quite some time since I have blogged. I am feeling a bit out of touch with what to write but right now I know that I need a place to vent, write, cry, share. I doubt if anyone who remembers my old blog is reading this but just in case here is a brief bio. I started this blog while dating the love of my life John Marshall Sullivan and many of you were there during our courtship and shared my marriage as I posted the happenings here. We were married in 2002 and have enjoyed 8 years together, 5 1/2 of those as husband and wife. John (Marshall) was the love of my life and will always be my heart and soul. Our years together were ideal, the sort of thing you only find in romance novels. In 2004 we had a daughter together and John was reunited with his three adult chidren from his first marriage. The last two years have been incredible, things were just perfect, I guess maybe a bit too perfect. Last November John started getting sick and after much arguing on my part I got him to a doctor. Here is a brief outline on how quickly everything happened:

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 John was hospitalized with pneumonia, during the chest xray a mass was found in John's lung.

Thursday, January 24, 2008 John has a catscan

Friday, January 25, 2008 John has a biopsy on mass in his lung

Monday, January 28, 2008 John diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer stage IV; given a year to live

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 John sent home. He was on oxygen and was having a hard time breathing. We were told that chemo would help the pain and let his body heal. The chemo was supposed to help extend his life for as long as possible.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 John getting weaker, lots of pain, tired, no appetite, sense of humor gone, not a good day.

Friday, February 1, 2008 John worse than Thursday, went early morning to chemo, pain was worse and breathing even more labored. The doctor examined him but stats seemed ok, were warned that chemo would make him even more tired. Went home after chemo, he went to bed and wasn't very responsive. During the night his breathing was labored but he kept saying he was fine.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 John woke me up, said he was having problems breathing. I turned up oxygen level on machine and he said he had to go to the restroom. I dozed off and woke to him standing at the foot of the bed. I asked him if he was ok, he said he couldn't breathe and then collapsed onto the bed. I dialed 911 and help was here very quickly. I couldn't tell if he was breathing due to him still hooked up to oxygen. I believe that he died instantly but they did work on him. He was never resucitated and was declared dead at the hospital.

The love of my life is gone and I am feeling scared, sad, empty, angry I want to scream and I am too afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop. There is a pain in my chest that hasn't gone away. I can't imagine spending my life without my best friend, how do I go through the most difficult time in my life without the one person who is the one I would turn to to get me through it? I have so much to write but not sure where to start. I will try to collect my thoughts later. Today is a week since I have been made a widow. Thirty-four seems way too young to be a widow. John, I miss you so much, I promised you that I would be strong and keep our family together but I am scared out of my mind and all I want to do is crawl into your arms and feel them wrap around me. How am I going to do this alone?

It has been well over a year since I last posted and so much has happened. I have started a new blog here but I thought that I should give you a quick update as to what has happened in the last year or so...

Sad News
My father-in-law passed away this last February (2004), it is still a major adjustment not having him around. We all miss him so very much.

Happy News-
We have a new addition to our family. Caitlyn Alyssa was born August 18, 2004. She was 7lbs 15oz and 20in long.

More Happy News-
On July 4, 2003 (our one year wedding anniversary) my brother was married to a woman that he met on his ship. They live in Seattle, WA and at this time Gilly is out of the Navy but they will be in Seattle until his wife Rebekah is also out.

Even MORE Happy News-
I am finally an aunt! On 1/30/04 Gilly and his wife had a baby girl named Bethany Isabel. The week that we found out that Gilly and his wife were expecting their first child my sister also found out that she was also expecting her first child! My nephew Tyler William was born on 3/10/04 and I was so excited to be able to be in the labor room while he was born!

Divorce sucks
No, not me! My mom and stepdad were divorced this summer. He is already living with someone and my mom is getting her life together with a new job and many new friends. I have nothing nice to say about my stepfather who since the divorce has made no attempt to get in touch with my kids who he has been a ::grandfather:: to for 12 years now!

We have moved...again...and again!
We had moved into a rental home in the fall of 2002, in the summer of 2003 we moved into a larger (4 bdrm) rental home and we finished up another move into a much larger home this past summer of 2004.

Did I mention that we are sharing a home with my mom?
No, it's not as bad as it must sound, long story short, with the divorce she would have lost her home because she couldn't afford to pay for it on her own. The house is large so she has majority of the lower level for her living space and there is enough room for each of the kids to have their own room. I have always loved this house and we are all very excited to be back in our little town.

~Kids Update~

Brittany-
Britt is now 13 years old! It is so hard for me to get over how much she has grown up in the past few years. She is in 8th grade and loves middle school. She has a 'boyfriend' named Gentry. They have gone on 'dates' with one or both sets of parents tagging along. Gent is a really nice boy and his family is so very nice, so I am unbelievably relieved how painless this whole 'dating' thing has been! Britt is in basketball and was on the volleyball team last semester. She is still getting honor roll grades and is very much looking forward to going to the high school next year. She is ready.....I am not!

Danielle-
Danielle is 10 years old and is in the 5th grade. She is very happy that we are back in our little town so that she didn't have to switch schools. They have changed the school system here so next year she will be starting the middle school (in the past middle school started in the 7th grade). Danielle is so in love with her baby sister, she is the biggest help, I don't know what I would do without her. She is still in girl scouts and had fun playing volleyball this year.

Anthony-
Anthony is 5 years old and is now in kindergarten! He loves school and I am so excited because he has the same teacher that Britt had in k-garten! Last year he started playing ice hockey and he really seems to like it. His practices and games keep us busy but they are so much fun that so far I have no complaints! He has lots of new friends and a 'girlfriend' named Nicole who lives down the street from us.

Caitlyn-
Caitlyn is such a good baby and we all feel so blessed that she is here. It is so much fun to have a baby in the house again and I can't wait to watch her and her new cousins grow up together.

Big News!
I can't believe that I almost forgot! John is in touch with one of his sons! After years of not being in touch JR showed up at his grandpa's funeral and although we haven't seen as much of him as we would like, it feels so good to know that he is open to spending time with us.

I know that there is lots more but hopefully this will get my posting up to date! It was so much fun to go over this old blog and see how much has changed and how much hasn't changed!

Don't forget to visit me at my new blog! :-)

It has been a very busy week. I did get some pictures my brother emailed that I wanted to share with you. He was so excited about his visit with the President. He said it was the most incredible experience and that the President was, as he put it, genuinely proud of all of them. I guess the homecoming to Washington was incredible but it was very hard because they had to stand at attention and couldn't wave at all of the people. He said he was crying because it was so moving and all he could do was salute. He wasn't able to get off of the ship today but will be able to get off tomorrow.

He was able to get off of the ship last week when they stopped in San Diego. My dad and his wife Michelle drove from San Francisco to be there with him. I guess they went out to eat and a gentleman who could tell that they were celebrating asked the waitress to find out why. When she told him that Gilly had just got off of the USS Abraham Lincoln he asked her to bring the entire tab to him. He was gone by the time my brother and dad found out that he had paid for everything. Isn't that like the coolest thing? I wish we knew more about him. Was he in the service? Did he have a son who was serving? I'm sure he had a story to tell, I just wish that we could have heard it. I know that will stand out in my brother's mind and some time in the future I can see him doing the same for someone else.

Ack......it's time for American Idol. I have to get going but hopefully I will have time to post more later. Enjoy the pictures. :-)

~Click for a larger image~

I think I've mentioned (a few times lol) that my brother is on the USS Abraham Lincoln. Tonight the President of the US will land on his ship. Each department was able to vote for a person that they wanted to represent their department. The person that they picked would be able to eat dinner with the President. My mom got a call from my brother yesterday. He was chosen to be able to eat with the President. I can't even tell you how excited I am for him. Yes, eating with the President is a big deal, but I think even more than that is the fact that all these people that work in his department liked and respected him enough to choose him for that honor. I am so proud of him! :-)

Danille was concerned that the President wouldn't like the "ship food." She felt that it would have been nicer to take him to a restaurant! ROFL My mom explained to her that they probably flew in some special food for the President to have a nice meal but Danielle wasn't all that convinced. :-)

Today is May Day. The kids made May Day baskets filled with candy and stickers. Anthony delivered them to all of the neighbors. It was so cute to see him running to each door, leaving the candy and running back as fast as his legs would carry him. He was a little pissed that he didn't get a basket. He wanted to keep the last basket but I told him that he had to give it to grandma. He announced that grandma would have to share with him. Like he really needs any more candy after Easter! I don't think I told you about his falling asleep last week with a chocolate bunny in his hand. He was on the couch watching tv and just fell asleep. We didn't notice at first and when we did his entire face was covered with chocolate. It was so funny and of course there was no camera to be found!

Tonight the girls have their last concert of the school year. The concerts are always great, their music teacher really puts a lot of time into them. This year is the school's 25th anniversary so it should be really good. We will all finally get to hear the "school song" that Brittany helped to write. The only thing I feel bad about is that the President's speech will start while we are at the concert so we will probably miss most of it. I have no idea how to get my VCR to record. I am good at figuring out so many things but for some reason recording something is beyond me! Well, I've got to get to work. I might even be close to being on time today! lol

Have you ever found yourself leaning against your washing machine during the spin cycle? Not for the overly used, so called "excitement" that is the punch line of way too many lame jokes but because you are so tired you can barely stand up and you just want the damn thing to stop spinning so that you can finally put your last load of laundry into the dryer and go to bed!! I think that pretty much sums up my day.

This year we definitely had a non-traditional Easter! On Saturday night John and I went to the Elton John/Billy Joel concert. We had a wonderful time and then on Sunday morning the girls and I were picked up in a limo and driven with my mom and sister to Minneapolis where we spent the day at the Mall of America and then went to the Avril Lavigne concert. The mall was fun although most of the stores were closed because of the holiday. We did ride rides at Camp Snoopy, did some shopping at a few misc. stores and Old Navy and then had an awesome dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. The concert was sooo much fun! I love Avril Lavigne as do my girls. I thought for sure Brittany would lose her voice because she was screaming so loud.

The concert was packed which was surprising considering it was Easter Sunday. After the concert Brittany got autographed cd's from the opening bands Gob and Simple Plan. She was so excited! On Tuesday both girls couldn't wait to wear their Avril T-shirts to school. John and Anthony spent Easter at John's dad's house.

After such a long weekend I have been completely exhausted. Work has been busy and I still feel somewhat out of it. My house is a disaster and I just can't get motivated enough to do anything. I don't think we have cooked all week.

Last night the neighbors in the next building over had a loud and very public fight. It freaked my kids out who were able to witness it in the parking lot when we came home. They aren't used to fighting like that and it seemed to be getting physical. Someone called the police so it didn't go on very long, but you can tell we don't live in a small town anymore!

Did I mention that my brother is on his way home?! I had an email from him earlier this week saying that it was just about time for wog day, where he (and others on his ship) get hazed from being polywogs to shellbacks. I can't wait to see pictures. :-)

On Suday we will be having a "late" Easter dinner at our house. My mom, Bill, Addie and her boyfriend Mike will be coming. I think we are having ham but I'm not too sure, I guess I should check with John since he'll be doing the cooking. Did I mention that my house is a mess? That probably means that I should get off my ass and get some work done! lol

One time, in band camp.......oh sorry, I never actually went to band camp. Actually, I was never in band. But ever since we registered Brittany for band camp, I can't get that saying out of my head. ROFL She will be going to the International Music Camp located at the International Peace Gardens. She is so very excited and I am excited for her although a bit nervous to have my "baby" so far away. Even if it is only for a week!

Not much else going on around here, yes we got our taxes filed on time (barely) and yesterday it snowed! I am still not ready for Easter. Although I did go shopping on my lunch break today for a few things. When we moved I threw out all of the old Easter baskets, plastic eggs and other junk I didn't feel like packing. Today I wish that I would have kept them because that just means I had more stuff to buy. I did find some cute stuff though, although of course John goes, "You spent HOW much on Easter baskets?"

If it were up to him we'd go out and buy the pre-packaged baskets from Walgreen's that cost $12.00 each. Even that would be too much. It's not that he's cheap, it's just that I think he forgets that we live in the year 2003 not 1973. But of course, none of that matters because I went overboard as usual and buying a pre-packaged basket is never as much fun as making your own. My mom says it's because I was "deprived" as a child. Due to her religious beliefs at the time we didn't celebrate holidays, so she thinks that I am making up for all of the holidays I never had. Maybe she's right, but mostly, I think it is just fun to shop for cute little toys and Easter basket stuffers.

When the kids are in bed, I will have to smuggle all of my bags in and put the baskets together. I bought a whole bunch of these which were on sale, I think I might have to steal one. :-) These are my absolute favorite, much better than Cadbury Eggs which make my teeth hurt just thinking about them. So how about you? What is your favorite Easter candy?

John is on his way to go to the post office to get our taxes filed before the deadline. I was planning to go with him but as we were signing on all of the "X"s and filling out last minute info, we started snapping at each other. I think the stress of getting this all done at the last minute finally got to us so I figured it was best to stay home so that it didn't turn into a full scale argument. I mean, I was already at the point where I was yelling at him for chewing too loud! He doesn't just chew he chomps on his food so that it echoes.....I'm serious! Okay, I'm probably exaggerating a bit.......but not much. So, he is there, and hopefully the lines aren't too long and I am home doing laundry. I did find a cute survey at Kay's which I am going to do to get my mind off all of the other crap I should be doing. :-)

::Twenty Questions::
1. What is the furthest you've ever travelled? Canada on a fishing trip with my stepfather where I am sure he took us to the edge of the earth.
2. Which meal is the one you cook best? Tacos - I don't know about best but definitely most!
3. Where do you buy most of your clothes?I'm not really a clothes shopper although I would have to say most of my stuff comes from Gordmans or Kohls (think discount department stores)
4. What is your home town famous for?I live in Fargo, North Dakota, not much to be famous for other than the phrase "You Betcha!"
5. What was your best subject at school? Math
6. What sort of music would you never listen to? Country
7. Is there anything you would never eat? Mayonaise, just the smell of it makes me ill
8. How many languages can you speak? I'm sad to say I only speak English
9. Which sport do you like playing or watching the most? I love watching football and about the only sport I enjoy doing is swimming
10. Can you play a musical instrument? Which one(s)? I used to play the cello but I'm sure I have forgotten how by now.
11. What is the worst illness/injury you've ever had? I've never had a major injury or illness
12. Which blogging tool do you prefer? I use Blogger
13. What was the last charity you gave to? Do my children count? ROFL Actually I think the last time I donated money was to a local group rasing money for the troops.
14. How many romantic relationships have you had? I would have to say 5 serious relationships, and too many to count un-serious ones.
15. Where was the last restaurant you visited? Umm, I don't know the name of it, but yesterday Sara and I went out to eat at a chinese buffet.
16. Have you ever seen a band live? Which one? I'm going to see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert on Saturday and Avril Lavigne on Sunday, I have actually seen quite a few but some of my favorites were Metallica, No Doubt, The Eagles, Styx, Pink Floyd
17. Which famous person would you like to meet? Why?I can't really think of any one famous that I would like to meet, maybe Maya Angelou, I think she would be such an interesting person to talk to.
18. Have you ever been on television? Nope
19. Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital?Yes, when I had the kids and never more than one night at a time. I hate hospitals.
20. What is your ultimate ambition? To write a book