Went to Brittany's play tonight, they are doing "Anything Goes" which I haven't seen before. Last night was opening night and I went to that and since tonight was her birthday I wanted to go again. It was hard being there without John but luckily ViAnnah and Brandyn went with last night and they also went again tonight with the kids and John's sisters. It was hard to talk about how I was doing because I am feeling like I am in this weird emotional void but I had a nice talk with Krystal and hopefully with time this (and other events just like it) will get a bit easier.

Brandyn and ViAnnah left early because she wasn't feeling well. I was giving her a hard time and now I feel bad because I am worried. Hopefully all goes well because I don't think I (or any of the rest of us) can handle any more stress right now.

Tomorrow we are going to church for the first time without John. It is going to be hard but I know that if I don't go right away it will only get harder. It is going to be so hard to sit there without him by my side, holding my hand and helping take care of Caitlyn. He won't be next to me singing off key and I won't have his little whispers to make me laugh. When I see the older couple take communion hand in hand I will no longer look and smile and think...someday that will be John and I. I know that I am going to cry, it is a given, but I hope that I preserve some of my dignity and don't make a complete idiot out of myself.

Tonight it is snowy, windy and bitterly cold. Driving home from the play I thought about all of the things that John did that I took for granted, such as warming up the car before we got in and carrying Caitlyn into the house when she has fallen asleep. Tomorrow for church will be more of the same, he always had the car warmed up before we went anywhere and we would get dropped off at the door so that we didn't have to freeze. I have always appreciated that he did those things but you don't realize how much they mean to you until they are no longer there.

I can't help but wonder, where is he now? Does he see how much I miss him? Does he miss me just as much? I hate the fact that it makes me sad to think that he is happy where he is, I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want to think that he is so happy that he has forgotten me. It is so hard to feel as if I can go on when there are so many questions that I may never have an answer to. If your loved one is still in this world with you, cherish them, love them and make the most of every moment because time goes by way too fast and before you know it they are gone.

Here is another thing that bothers me. I am so mad right now, I am angry at God, angry at John, angry at the kids and myself. I want to just hit something or someone and get out my frustrations but of course I can't do that so I just sit here writing, rambling, wishing with all of my heart that I could be with him for just a little longer. But instead I sit here freezing, my hands cold, my heart cold, waiting for time to tick by. Hoping that this will get better but knowing that although the pain may get easier it will never completely go away.

I have spent too much time here reading over old posts. Looking for any mention of John, trying to relive the past eight years through the memories I have left here online. He was so much a part of my life, how in the world can you live a lifetime together in only eight years. He was so sweet and kind and patient and as I read over old posts I am saddened by how much I took for granted. The sweet little things that he did on a daily basis, the private intimate moments that I will always cherish, he was so much a part of my life I can't imagine how I will ever stop hurting. I am afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop and my heart hurts so bad I feel as if I can't breathe. I feel very lucky to have had these past eight years, I am so very thankful to have Caitlyn - his little princess - a child made from our love for eachother, I am thankful for the past two years when his older children came into our life, I am thankful for every moment we have shared and yet it isn't even close to being enough. I don't know if writing here will be helpful, I hope that sharing my feelings here will keep me from losing my mind which I am in fear of losing as I try to cope with the loss of my best friend, the love of my life.

John's kids have been there for me but it is so hard to see his sons and not see him in them. The way they stand, laugh, talk, smile, he is so much a part of them and it hurts to know that I will never see him again, hold him, kiss him, make love to him. How in the world do you go forward when the person who kept you going is no longer here.

The day of John's funeral was a few days ago, it was hard and I feel emotionally drained. ViAnnah (John's daughter) and Brandyn (her boyfriend) came to spend the night with me and the kids. We planned to watch sad, depressing movies because I just want to cry and let all of these tears out that don't seem to be able to fall. Anyway, Vi took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She is in shock but happy...Brandyn is in shock and scared (In his words..."Oh Man")...and I am happy for them but sad that John won't be a part of it. Brandyn and Vi have been a huge support and have spent majority of the weekend here but of course Monday will be here soon enough and I will start the 1st day of the rest of my life alone. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but honestly, I can't imagine ever loving anyone again the way I loved John. He was perfect for me, the other half of me, the sort of love that every girl dreams of and every woman longs for. I was lucky enough to find it once I am not holding my breath on ever having it again.

So I have made a commitment to myself. I want to lose weight, too many years of John's amazing cooking have settled on my stomach and hips and when he was in the hospital we both commited to taking better care of ourselves for the sake of the kids. Well, that commit falls to me alone and as their only parent it is even more important that I get healthy. I have started the slimfast plan because it is simple and doesn't require much thought or planning. I need to get batteries to weigh myself and I will post here as to my progress. It is important to me that I get in shape and look better, when I was with John it didn't matter because his love for me was beyond outside appearances but now how I look feels even more important. I don't want anyone to look at me and think...that poor widow, all alone and with the way she looks she is going to stay that way. Instead I want people to look at me and think...wow...she looks incredible...we would set her up with this handsome, rich, single friend of ours, but since she is so devoted to her husbands memory and her children she chooses not to date. Ha...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't want people to pity me I want them to see that I am strong and that I choose to be alone not because my husband has passed away and no one else would ever want me but because my love for him was so deep that no one else could ever measure up.
I think back to my single years before John and they were pretty miserable. I was so lonely and wanted so much to be loved, I settled for Eddie who was an ass and treated me like shit. I will never settle again but at the same time I fear my lonliness will get to me and I will dishonor my husbands memory by settling for the first idiot who notices me. I know in my head that I will never allow that to happen but my heart is scared and my soul is yearning for someone to love. Not just anyone, but John...my sweet, amazing husband who made me so happy I felt as if I was delirious, the one person who knew every part of me inside and out and who loved me as no other ever has. I am 34 years old...the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me but the thought of settling for someone who I don't really love scares me even more. I want to be alone on my terms because I choose to be alone but I don't want to be alone because no one else would want me. So this is my journey, where it will take me I have no idea but I hope that by writing down my thoughts, hope and sorrows I will start to heal from the biggest loss of my life.
I love you John and I always will.

Wow...it has been quite some time since I have blogged. I am feeling a bit out of touch with what to write but right now I know that I need a place to vent, write, cry, share. I doubt if anyone who remembers my old blog is reading this but just in case here is a brief bio. I started this blog while dating the love of my life John Marshall Sullivan and many of you were there during our courtship and shared my marriage as I posted the happenings here. We were married in 2002 and have enjoyed 8 years together, 5 1/2 of those as husband and wife. John (Marshall) was the love of my life and will always be my heart and soul. Our years together were ideal, the sort of thing you only find in romance novels. In 2004 we had a daughter together and John was reunited with his three adult chidren from his first marriage. The last two years have been incredible, things were just perfect, I guess maybe a bit too perfect. Last November John started getting sick and after much arguing on my part I got him to a doctor. Here is a brief outline on how quickly everything happened:

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 John was hospitalized with pneumonia, during the chest xray a mass was found in John's lung.

Thursday, January 24, 2008 John has a catscan

Friday, January 25, 2008 John has a biopsy on mass in his lung

Monday, January 28, 2008 John diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer stage IV; given a year to live

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 John sent home. He was on oxygen and was having a hard time breathing. We were told that chemo would help the pain and let his body heal. The chemo was supposed to help extend his life for as long as possible.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 John getting weaker, lots of pain, tired, no appetite, sense of humor gone, not a good day.

Friday, February 1, 2008 John worse than Thursday, went early morning to chemo, pain was worse and breathing even more labored. The doctor examined him but stats seemed ok, were warned that chemo would make him even more tired. Went home after chemo, he went to bed and wasn't very responsive. During the night his breathing was labored but he kept saying he was fine.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 John woke me up, said he was having problems breathing. I turned up oxygen level on machine and he said he had to go to the restroom. I dozed off and woke to him standing at the foot of the bed. I asked him if he was ok, he said he couldn't breathe and then collapsed onto the bed. I dialed 911 and help was here very quickly. I couldn't tell if he was breathing due to him still hooked up to oxygen. I believe that he died instantly but they did work on him. He was never resucitated and was declared dead at the hospital.

The love of my life is gone and I am feeling scared, sad, empty, angry I want to scream and I am too afraid to cry for fear that I will never stop. There is a pain in my chest that hasn't gone away. I can't imagine spending my life without my best friend, how do I go through the most difficult time in my life without the one person who is the one I would turn to to get me through it? I have so much to write but not sure where to start. I will try to collect my thoughts later. Today is a week since I have been made a widow. Thirty-four seems way too young to be a widow. John, I miss you so much, I promised you that I would be strong and keep our family together but I am scared out of my mind and all I want to do is crawl into your arms and feel them wrap around me. How am I going to do this alone?

It has been well over a year since I last posted and so much has happened. I have started a new blog here but I thought that I should give you a quick update as to what has happened in the last year or so...

Sad News
My father-in-law passed away this last February (2004), it is still a major adjustment not having him around. We all miss him so very much.

Happy News-
We have a new addition to our family. Caitlyn Alyssa was born August 18, 2004. She was 7lbs 15oz and 20in long.

More Happy News-
On July 4, 2003 (our one year wedding anniversary) my brother was married to a woman that he met on his ship. They live in Seattle, WA and at this time Gilly is out of the Navy but they will be in Seattle until his wife Rebekah is also out.

Even MORE Happy News-
I am finally an aunt! On 1/30/04 Gilly and his wife had a baby girl named Bethany Isabel. The week that we found out that Gilly and his wife were expecting their first child my sister also found out that she was also expecting her first child! My nephew Tyler William was born on 3/10/04 and I was so excited to be able to be in the labor room while he was born!

Divorce sucks
No, not me! My mom and stepdad were divorced this summer. He is already living with someone and my mom is getting her life together with a new job and many new friends. I have nothing nice to say about my stepfather who since the divorce has made no attempt to get in touch with my kids who he has been a ::grandfather:: to for 12 years now!

We have moved...again...and again!
We had moved into a rental home in the fall of 2002, in the summer of 2003 we moved into a larger (4 bdrm) rental home and we finished up another move into a much larger home this past summer of 2004.

Did I mention that we are sharing a home with my mom?
No, it's not as bad as it must sound, long story short, with the divorce she would have lost her home because she couldn't afford to pay for it on her own. The house is large so she has majority of the lower level for her living space and there is enough room for each of the kids to have their own room. I have always loved this house and we are all very excited to be back in our little town.

~Kids Update~

Brittany-
Britt is now 13 years old! It is so hard for me to get over how much she has grown up in the past few years. She is in 8th grade and loves middle school. She has a 'boyfriend' named Gentry. They have gone on 'dates' with one or both sets of parents tagging along. Gent is a really nice boy and his family is so very nice, so I am unbelievably relieved how painless this whole 'dating' thing has been! Britt is in basketball and was on the volleyball team last semester. She is still getting honor roll grades and is very much looking forward to going to the high school next year. She is ready.....I am not!

Danielle-
Danielle is 10 years old and is in the 5th grade. She is very happy that we are back in our little town so that she didn't have to switch schools. They have changed the school system here so next year she will be starting the middle school (in the past middle school started in the 7th grade). Danielle is so in love with her baby sister, she is the biggest help, I don't know what I would do without her. She is still in girl scouts and had fun playing volleyball this year.

Anthony-
Anthony is 5 years old and is now in kindergarten! He loves school and I am so excited because he has the same teacher that Britt had in k-garten! Last year he started playing ice hockey and he really seems to like it. His practices and games keep us busy but they are so much fun that so far I have no complaints! He has lots of new friends and a 'girlfriend' named Nicole who lives down the street from us.

Caitlyn-
Caitlyn is such a good baby and we all feel so blessed that she is here. It is so much fun to have a baby in the house again and I can't wait to watch her and her new cousins grow up together.

Big News!
I can't believe that I almost forgot! John is in touch with one of his sons! After years of not being in touch JR showed up at his grandpa's funeral and although we haven't seen as much of him as we would like, it feels so good to know that he is open to spending time with us.

I know that there is lots more but hopefully this will get my posting up to date! It was so much fun to go over this old blog and see how much has changed and how much hasn't changed!

Don't forget to visit me at my new blog! :-)

It has been a very busy week. I did get some pictures my brother emailed that I wanted to share with you. He was so excited about his visit with the President. He said it was the most incredible experience and that the President was, as he put it, genuinely proud of all of them. I guess the homecoming to Washington was incredible but it was very hard because they had to stand at attention and couldn't wave at all of the people. He said he was crying because it was so moving and all he could do was salute. He wasn't able to get off of the ship today but will be able to get off tomorrow.

He was able to get off of the ship last week when they stopped in San Diego. My dad and his wife Michelle drove from San Francisco to be there with him. I guess they went out to eat and a gentleman who could tell that they were celebrating asked the waitress to find out why. When she told him that Gilly had just got off of the USS Abraham Lincoln he asked her to bring the entire tab to him. He was gone by the time my brother and dad found out that he had paid for everything. Isn't that like the coolest thing? I wish we knew more about him. Was he in the service? Did he have a son who was serving? I'm sure he had a story to tell, I just wish that we could have heard it. I know that will stand out in my brother's mind and some time in the future I can see him doing the same for someone else.

Ack......it's time for American Idol. I have to get going but hopefully I will have time to post more later. Enjoy the pictures. :-)

~Click for a larger image~

I think I've mentioned (a few times lol) that my brother is on the USS Abraham Lincoln. Tonight the President of the US will land on his ship. Each department was able to vote for a person that they wanted to represent their department. The person that they picked would be able to eat dinner with the President. My mom got a call from my brother yesterday. He was chosen to be able to eat with the President. I can't even tell you how excited I am for him. Yes, eating with the President is a big deal, but I think even more than that is the fact that all these people that work in his department liked and respected him enough to choose him for that honor. I am so proud of him! :-)

Danille was concerned that the President wouldn't like the "ship food." She felt that it would have been nicer to take him to a restaurant! ROFL My mom explained to her that they probably flew in some special food for the President to have a nice meal but Danielle wasn't all that convinced. :-)

Today is May Day. The kids made May Day baskets filled with candy and stickers. Anthony delivered them to all of the neighbors. It was so cute to see him running to each door, leaving the candy and running back as fast as his legs would carry him. He was a little pissed that he didn't get a basket. He wanted to keep the last basket but I told him that he had to give it to grandma. He announced that grandma would have to share with him. Like he really needs any more candy after Easter! I don't think I told you about his falling asleep last week with a chocolate bunny in his hand. He was on the couch watching tv and just fell asleep. We didn't notice at first and when we did his entire face was covered with chocolate. It was so funny and of course there was no camera to be found!

Tonight the girls have their last concert of the school year. The concerts are always great, their music teacher really puts a lot of time into them. This year is the school's 25th anniversary so it should be really good. We will all finally get to hear the "school song" that Brittany helped to write. The only thing I feel bad about is that the President's speech will start while we are at the concert so we will probably miss most of it. I have no idea how to get my VCR to record. I am good at figuring out so many things but for some reason recording something is beyond me! Well, I've got to get to work. I might even be close to being on time today! lol

Have you ever found yourself leaning against your washing machine during the spin cycle? Not for the overly used, so called "excitement" that is the punch line of way too many lame jokes but because you are so tired you can barely stand up and you just want the damn thing to stop spinning so that you can finally put your last load of laundry into the dryer and go to bed!! I think that pretty much sums up my day.

This year we definitely had a non-traditional Easter! On Saturday night John and I went to the Elton John/Billy Joel concert. We had a wonderful time and then on Sunday morning the girls and I were picked up in a limo and driven with my mom and sister to Minneapolis where we spent the day at the Mall of America and then went to the Avril Lavigne concert. The mall was fun although most of the stores were closed because of the holiday. We did ride rides at Camp Snoopy, did some shopping at a few misc. stores and Old Navy and then had an awesome dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. The concert was sooo much fun! I love Avril Lavigne as do my girls. I thought for sure Brittany would lose her voice because she was screaming so loud.

The concert was packed which was surprising considering it was Easter Sunday. After the concert Brittany got autographed cd's from the opening bands Gob and Simple Plan. She was so excited! On Tuesday both girls couldn't wait to wear their Avril T-shirts to school. John and Anthony spent Easter at John's dad's house.

After such a long weekend I have been completely exhausted. Work has been busy and I still feel somewhat out of it. My house is a disaster and I just can't get motivated enough to do anything. I don't think we have cooked all week.

Last night the neighbors in the next building over had a loud and very public fight. It freaked my kids out who were able to witness it in the parking lot when we came home. They aren't used to fighting like that and it seemed to be getting physical. Someone called the police so it didn't go on very long, but you can tell we don't live in a small town anymore!

Did I mention that my brother is on his way home?! I had an email from him earlier this week saying that it was just about time for wog day, where he (and others on his ship) get hazed from being polywogs to shellbacks. I can't wait to see pictures. :-)

On Suday we will be having a "late" Easter dinner at our house. My mom, Bill, Addie and her boyfriend Mike will be coming. I think we are having ham but I'm not too sure, I guess I should check with John since he'll be doing the cooking. Did I mention that my house is a mess? That probably means that I should get off my ass and get some work done! lol

One time, in band camp.......oh sorry, I never actually went to band camp. Actually, I was never in band. But ever since we registered Brittany for band camp, I can't get that saying out of my head. ROFL She will be going to the International Music Camp located at the International Peace Gardens. She is so very excited and I am excited for her although a bit nervous to have my "baby" so far away. Even if it is only for a week!

Not much else going on around here, yes we got our taxes filed on time (barely) and yesterday it snowed! I am still not ready for Easter. Although I did go shopping on my lunch break today for a few things. When we moved I threw out all of the old Easter baskets, plastic eggs and other junk I didn't feel like packing. Today I wish that I would have kept them because that just means I had more stuff to buy. I did find some cute stuff though, although of course John goes, "You spent HOW much on Easter baskets?"

If it were up to him we'd go out and buy the pre-packaged baskets from Walgreen's that cost $12.00 each. Even that would be too much. It's not that he's cheap, it's just that I think he forgets that we live in the year 2003 not 1973. But of course, none of that matters because I went overboard as usual and buying a pre-packaged basket is never as much fun as making your own. My mom says it's because I was "deprived" as a child. Due to her religious beliefs at the time we didn't celebrate holidays, so she thinks that I am making up for all of the holidays I never had. Maybe she's right, but mostly, I think it is just fun to shop for cute little toys and Easter basket stuffers.

When the kids are in bed, I will have to smuggle all of my bags in and put the baskets together. I bought a whole bunch of these which were on sale, I think I might have to steal one. :-) These are my absolute favorite, much better than Cadbury Eggs which make my teeth hurt just thinking about them. So how about you? What is your favorite Easter candy?

John is on his way to go to the post office to get our taxes filed before the deadline. I was planning to go with him but as we were signing on all of the "X"s and filling out last minute info, we started snapping at each other. I think the stress of getting this all done at the last minute finally got to us so I figured it was best to stay home so that it didn't turn into a full scale argument. I mean, I was already at the point where I was yelling at him for chewing too loud! He doesn't just chew he chomps on his food so that it echoes.....I'm serious! Okay, I'm probably exaggerating a bit.......but not much. So, he is there, and hopefully the lines aren't too long and I am home doing laundry. I did find a cute survey at Kay's which I am going to do to get my mind off all of the other crap I should be doing. :-)

::Twenty Questions::
1. What is the furthest you've ever travelled? Canada on a fishing trip with my stepfather where I am sure he took us to the edge of the earth.
2. Which meal is the one you cook best? Tacos - I don't know about best but definitely most!
3. Where do you buy most of your clothes?I'm not really a clothes shopper although I would have to say most of my stuff comes from Gordmans or Kohls (think discount department stores)
4. What is your home town famous for?I live in Fargo, North Dakota, not much to be famous for other than the phrase "You Betcha!"
5. What was your best subject at school? Math
6. What sort of music would you never listen to? Country
7. Is there anything you would never eat? Mayonaise, just the smell of it makes me ill
8. How many languages can you speak? I'm sad to say I only speak English
9. Which sport do you like playing or watching the most? I love watching football and about the only sport I enjoy doing is swimming
10. Can you play a musical instrument? Which one(s)? I used to play the cello but I'm sure I have forgotten how by now.
11. What is the worst illness/injury you've ever had? I've never had a major injury or illness
12. Which blogging tool do you prefer? I use Blogger
13. What was the last charity you gave to? Do my children count? ROFL Actually I think the last time I donated money was to a local group rasing money for the troops.
14. How many romantic relationships have you had? I would have to say 5 serious relationships, and too many to count un-serious ones.
15. Where was the last restaurant you visited? Umm, I don't know the name of it, but yesterday Sara and I went out to eat at a chinese buffet.
16. Have you ever seen a band live? Which one? I'm going to see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert on Saturday and Avril Lavigne on Sunday, I have actually seen quite a few but some of my favorites were Metallica, No Doubt, The Eagles, Styx, Pink Floyd
17. Which famous person would you like to meet? Why?I can't really think of any one famous that I would like to meet, maybe Maya Angelou, I think she would be such an interesting person to talk to.
18. Have you ever been on television? Nope
19. Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital?Yes, when I had the kids and never more than one night at a time. I hate hospitals.
20. What is your ultimate ambition? To write a book

Do you know what today is? Of course, well guess what I don't have done. This is the first year that I haven't had my taxes filed in February or March. I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't make enough to owe them money, but I have been procrastinating all month. John is going to get all of our stuff over to Jenny today and hopefully they will get filed in time. It's not like I'm going to get anything back anyway, I'm sure that any refund coming in will go towards John's past due child support. Which isn't a big deal because at least the amount owed will go down. But I guess that's why I haven't filed, when you know you won't get anything back, what's the big rush? LOL of course now that today is the deadline there is a big rush!

I can't get rid of this cold and I basically feel like shit. I think I have a sinus infection but I haven't been to a doctor so I don't know for sure. It was a long weekend. On Saturday Danielle and I had an all day field trip for girl scouts which would have normally been fun but seeing as how my head felt like it was going to explode all day it was a very long day. The girls had fun though, we went to a workshop on Zink the Zebra. If you have a daughter in girl scouts and you have the opportunity to ever do this be sure to not miss it.

Other than that it was really a blah weekend. According to my mom, my sister is mad at me because she (my sister) said, that I said, that I didn't like her new boyfriend Mike. Which is not at all what I remember saying. I'm pretty sure that I just asked if he had fun when we all went to the circus cause he was so quiet that I couldn't tell if he was bored or what. She said he had fun and was maybe just nervous. So I told her to tell him to relax. And I think I made a joke that if he didn't loosen up soon we wouldn't get the chance to get to like him. I mean how could I like him or not like him based on meeting him about three or four times?! Sheesh.

Whatever I said, I did mean it as a joke which I could have explained if she would have called me instead of calling my mom and then telling my mom not to tell me that she was mad. Well, of course my mom tells me right away with instructions to not tell my sister that she told me anything. No wonder I have a headache! I thought about calling my sister to straighten things about, but in the frame of mind I have been in I'm sure I'd just make it worse. I am worn down with being sick and I am on my period and basically I have just been feeling like a bitch. I know that if I tried to talk to my sister I would either get mad or cry and make things 10 times worse. So it is probably just best to let it blow over. Why does there always have to be some kind of drama? I mean, if my mom knew that I couldn't talk to my sister about it, why did she tell me in the first place?! Just to make me feel like shit I guess. I haven't talked to my mom since that conversation either.

I guess I just need some space. What I really want is to get better and maybe when my head doesn't feel like it is about to split open I can deal with this other shit. Or maybe I will just let it blow over and forget about it. I mean in the large scheme of things, how important is it really?

Last night my computer crashed and then my server decided to keep knocking me offline so I did what every sensible person does. I yelled at it and then decided to go to bed. My sister lent me some new books and I started Fourplay, she said it was really good and so far I would have to agree. Sara (from work) also lent me The Good Mother. I started that as well but it is so intense that I can only read it in spurts. From the first page you can tell that something bad is going to happen.

So last night John was working late at the limo shop with Bill trying to get the coach back together and I am curled up in bed (alone) with two different books both about women going through a divorce. How ominous is that? (Just kidding John!) ROFL

I try to decide which one to read, the one about the husband who will eventually drag his ex-wife through a horrific custody battle or the one where the ass of a husband leaves his wife for a younger woman, his secretary no less. I went with the second one because I knew the other one would make me cry and besides, I am the younger woman in John's life so there shouldn't be any similarities. hehe Although I guess now that I am 30 maybe I should reconsider that!

I don't remember falling asleep but I guess I did because I was woken up at 5am with John barely getting home! He slept for a few hours and is already at work. And here I sit feeling guilty as hell because I should also be heading to work and instead I am sitting on my ass because I can't seem to get motivated. I so hate mornings!

I had one of those really good days at work today, nothing in particular happened, it just went smoothly I guess. So why do I have this major, throbbing headache right now. Could it be that I still have a sinus cold and can't seem to stop coughing. I've finally started taking the vitamins I bought over a week ago so maybe that will help.

I've been wanting to stop over at Liz's and check out her yummy candles.......note to self to do that tonight. There are also so many blogs I've missed reading. I really have to catch up soon.

This morning I watched the fall of Saddam's statue. I was supposed to be at work, but I found myself glued to the television. As I listened to the sounds of joy as people celebrated their liberation I felt tears come to my eyes. This is what it was all about. I can't imagine that the rest of the journey in Iraq will be easy, I feel as if it will probably get much worse. I keep thinking about how easily crowds get out of control in our own country, how much worse will it be in a nation with no acting government or police? All though these thoughts were constantly playing in the back of my mind, I still couldn't help but to feel overjoyed as I watched the symbolism of Saddam Hussein's terror fall to its knees.

Today Brittany wanted to know why if the people in Iraq were celebrating the arrival of our troops and the fall of Saddam, why are the people in our own country still protesting? I would like to know the answer to that myself.

We finally went and picked up a copy of our marriage certificate. My drivers license has been expired since my birthday and I figured I'd better get around to renewing it with my new last name. I also picked up the tabs for my license plates which expired in February. Wow.....I can finally watch "COPS" without feeling paranoid that they would soon be looking for me! ROFL I'm serious, I'm surprised I never got pulled over just because I looked guilty! hehe

I am having an overwhelming craving for grapefruit juice. Not the sweet, sticky pink, cocktail kind, but the tart, pucker your lips, with absolutely no sugar added kind. How weird is that?

Brittany on the night of the Choral Festival

The concert went really well. They all did a great job. Brittany had a speaking part where she introduced one of the songs with an opening by the composer. It was beautiful and very touching. I had several of the mom's say that she brought tears to their eyes. She has such a dramatic voice. I of course didn't cry, I am always way too nervous when she is on stage to even think about crying! After the concert we went out to eat and then came home and watched movies.

On Sunday we took the kids to the circus. We had fun although Anthony ate way too much junk food. Let's see, he conned my sister into buying him cotton candy, before I realized it he had ate the whole thing! Then he had two snow cones (his and John's), a hot dog, popcorn, and a chocolate bar. I think he probably would have been fine except for after the circus we went to visit John's dad and Anthony kept sneaking cookies. Because no one else pigged out as much as he did, we were all hungry by the time we got home so we ordered pizza. Anthony didn't eat anything and instead went to bed. About an hour after he went to bed he puked everywhere! I felt so bad, I didn't really realize how much he had ate until after he got sick! Bad mommy! :-P It's a good thing that the circus only comes once a year!

On Monday my cold finally caught up to me and there was no way I could go to work. I am still coughing and my body was so exhausted I couldn't get out of bed. I slept just about all day until John and the kids came home. I went to work today but still felt out of sorts. Well, I have laundry to finish, homework to check and a little monster who needs a bath. 'Nite

Proud mommy time again. :-) I don't know if you recall my blogging about the districtwide choir that Brittany tried out for last fall, well, today is (finally) the day of the performance. She had to be at their final practice at 8:30am and she just got home about half an hour ago. We went shopping last night and found her a new dress. She is so excited. They had a long day of practice but she said it was fun. She said at one point the director asked her assistant if any of the voices were standing out the the first person she mentioned was the "girl in the black shirt" and pointed at Brittany. I am so proud of her. The actual performance is at 7:00 tonight and we still have to stop on the way and get her new shoes. So I'd better get going. :-) Oh, I almost forgot, I scanned in the newsletter article about the festival, I emailed it to my dad so please feel free to read it. Have a great night, I know I will. :-)

John actually didn't have to work tonight so we went out to eat and then picked up a few groceries and rented a few movies. The plan was to come home and veg out on the couch but he ended up falling asleep so I am here checking email and stuff. Today was very cold. For some reason I had it in my head that there was a girl scout meeting after school so I rushed out of work because of course as usual I was running late only to find that the parking lot was a skating rink and my van was coated with ice. It had started to rain which in turn froze because it was so cold. I just love driving on roads covered in freezing rain! I knew it would be slick so I avoided the interstate and took the back roads because people around here always drive like maniacs in crappy weather. I was about 3 miles from the school when my gas tank went to zero and I was in the middle of nowhere with of course no cell phone. I drove with my fingers crossed the whole way hoping I wouldn't run out of gas and have to walk the rest of the way into town (there is a gas station across the street from the girls' school). Thankfully I made it to the gas station on fumes and a prayer and filled up my tank. I then went to the school to find it empty except for the secretary who told me that there wasn't a girl scout meeting today.

So I went to my mom's house and did payroll instead. My stepfather had a limo run and about 10 minutes after he left he called to tell me to drive home very carefully because he had slid the limo into a ditch. Fortunately, there was no one else in the car! Can you imagine?! I would have totally freaked out which is the main reason why I refuse to drive until it is summer! He was fine and the limo was fine, so he drove out of the ditch and continued on his run.

Well, I guess I should drag my husband to bed and read for a bit. Have a great night. :-)

After work today I went grocery shopping because there was absolutely nothing to eat in this house. On the way to the store I noticed my wallet of pictures laying on the dash. I had this weird thought that I should take it off of there because there are certain people that I don't want to advertise my vehicle too and they would definitely recognize my kids. I tried to shrug off my freaky paranoid feelings but I removed my pictures all the same. As I zipped into the parking lot of the grocery store (well I guess you can't really zip in a mini van but you get the picture) I just about ran over Eddie (my ex and Anthony's biological dad) and some girl. I completely froze. Thankfully he didn't see me and I actually backed up and went to the end of the parking lot so that he wouldn't see me. I parked behind this big truck and watched as they got into their car. I was actually shaking and it was so weird because I remembered my prior paranoid feeling before I even saw him.

I have no contact with him and for the most part don't even think about him. I refuse to collect child support from him because honestly, John is Anthony's dad and I don't want any connection to Eddie. When Anthony was a baby he would visit but when he realized that we were never getting back together he just drifted away and has never made an attempt to be a part of Anthony's life. He sometimes runs into my family but he never even asks for Anthony. From what I have been told he knows that John is raising him (Anthony) and he considers John to be his dad, which is how it should be because Eddie has never really attempted to be a dad. Anyway, I don't know why I got so shook up over seeing him but I did. I must have sat in the car for at least 10 minutes after they left before I could drag myself into the grocery store.

What freaks me out is that I always have a feeling that I am going to see him and sure enough I do. Last summer I was on my way to pick up my wedding dress when I had this weird feeling that he was close by. I was driving by a construction site and so I just figured that I had that feeling due to association, not necessarily because he was around. But on my way back from the store I drove right by that same place and I had to stop for a red light. As I glanced over to the construction site there he was.

Once I was at work and I actually felt him there before he even walked in. When I felt that weird feeling I looked up and I saw the side of his face as he entered the building. I ran into the back office and stood there until he left. I didn't want him to know where I worked because although I know he has moved on with his life I still have a fear that he will bother me again. I learned the hard way with him that restraining orders don't work.

Anyway, I always feel weird when I see him, I think it is partly fear because things were pretty nasty between us towards the end and he did a very good job of scaring me and also guilt because I have this wonderful little boy because of him and he will never know what he is missing out on.

Thankfully, by the time I finished with my shopping I felt like myself again and was able to come home and make dinner. John is working late at the limo shop so I guess I am going to go to bed and read. I watched part of American Idol but I can never seem to watch TV without being interrupted a million times so there is really no point.

Long boring day at work today. I am still feeling sick so it was all pretty blah. Hopefully this cough will go away soon, I am so sick of being sick but it's not bad enough to go to a doctor cause pretty much they wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. Brittany is telling me a very long boring story about school. I am trying to listen because I know that before I know it she will quit telling me about her day but damn her stories are LONG! She has been talking for at least 20 minutes straight telling me about a fight with one of her friends. I can't even get a thought in edgewise will all of her chattering. So I guess I'll end this post for now and give her my undivided attention so that she can finish up soon (I hope). If she doesn't stop soon I think I'll tell her to do some chores, that should get her to disappear pretty quick. hehe

I really do try to listen to her stories about school but if you have ever heard any of Brittany's stories (or if you have a Brittany of your own) I'm sure you can understand. She can go on, and on, and on.............well now that I think about it, I have had some pretty long posts here so I guess I know where she gets it from. lol