After work today I went grocery shopping because there was absolutely nothing to eat in this house. On the way to the store I noticed my wallet of pictures laying on the dash. I had this weird thought that I should take it off of there because there are certain people that I don't want to advertise my vehicle too and they would definitely recognize my kids. I tried to shrug off my freaky paranoid feelings but I removed my pictures all the same. As I zipped into the parking lot of the grocery store (well I guess you can't really zip in a mini van but you get the picture) I just about ran over Eddie (my ex and Anthony's biological dad) and some girl. I completely froze. Thankfully he didn't see me and I actually backed up and went to the end of the parking lot so that he wouldn't see me. I parked behind this big truck and watched as they got into their car. I was actually shaking and it was so weird because I remembered my prior paranoid feeling before I even saw him.

I have no contact with him and for the most part don't even think about him. I refuse to collect child support from him because honestly, John is Anthony's dad and I don't want any connection to Eddie. When Anthony was a baby he would visit but when he realized that we were never getting back together he just drifted away and has never made an attempt to be a part of Anthony's life. He sometimes runs into my family but he never even asks for Anthony. From what I have been told he knows that John is raising him (Anthony) and he considers John to be his dad, which is how it should be because Eddie has never really attempted to be a dad. Anyway, I don't know why I got so shook up over seeing him but I did. I must have sat in the car for at least 10 minutes after they left before I could drag myself into the grocery store.

What freaks me out is that I always have a feeling that I am going to see him and sure enough I do. Last summer I was on my way to pick up my wedding dress when I had this weird feeling that he was close by. I was driving by a construction site and so I just figured that I had that feeling due to association, not necessarily because he was around. But on my way back from the store I drove right by that same place and I had to stop for a red light. As I glanced over to the construction site there he was.

Once I was at work and I actually felt him there before he even walked in. When I felt that weird feeling I looked up and I saw the side of his face as he entered the building. I ran into the back office and stood there until he left. I didn't want him to know where I worked because although I know he has moved on with his life I still have a fear that he will bother me again. I learned the hard way with him that restraining orders don't work.

Anyway, I always feel weird when I see him, I think it is partly fear because things were pretty nasty between us towards the end and he did a very good job of scaring me and also guilt because I have this wonderful little boy because of him and he will never know what he is missing out on.

Thankfully, by the time I finished with my shopping I felt like myself again and was able to come home and make dinner. John is working late at the limo shop so I guess I am going to go to bed and read. I watched part of American Idol but I can never seem to watch TV without being interrupted a million times so there is really no point.