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Just wanted to check in, I don't want another year to go by before I blog again. Not much going on, kids getting ready for Halloween and Christmas lists are already being made. It is crazy how fast the time goes by, it seems like just yesterday we were spending our summer days out at the pool and now we are almost a few months into the school year.

Looking forward to the weekend, nothing much going on but hoping to get some work done in the garage. This is the first summer that we haven't used it, I think I mostly just needed a break from looking at all of John's stuff. If it weren't for the kids I would box it all up and not have to look at it for quite some time but I know that the kids take comfort in seeing his stuff so I will just do my best to ignore it.

I still have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that I am completely lost. I have so many things to work through and I have no idea where to start. I know that this is not where I want to be, this person is not who I was meant to be. I find myself so angry at myself, am I really that weak of a person that I need another person to complete who I am?! I think that is why I am so afraid to date, I don't want to lose myself in another person. I want to find myself. Yes as cliche as that sounds it is true.

I am so sick of this sadness I wish I could rip it off of me and tear it into small little pieces. I wish I could chew them up and swallow them to be dissolved into nothing more than forgotten waste. The scary part is that I almost feel as if this sadness is all that I am... if it is gone then what is left? I am sick of being afraid, sick of being sad.... but knowing that I want to change is completely different from knowing what to do about it.

So I just keep pushing the words and thoughts around in my mind, hoping that at some point they will all make sense. That I will soon be able to look down and see the instructions on what it will take to put this behind me and finally move on. Because I know that I want to be ready to move on... I just need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap so that I can finally do so.

Which Way From Here?

So another year has gone by. I hate that my blog is so neglected. I love writing, I love having a blog, I have years invested in this space I don't want it to just disappear. I know that I have so much that I need to write about but it is yet another thing I ignore. Somewhere in the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that if I just keep ignoring the things I need/want to do they will eventually go away.

So days drift by, weeks go by, months disappear... and I find myself in this place. Paperwork that desperately needs attention, layers of dust on my neglected books & bookshelves, a lawn that is starting to look like a jungle, weeds - so many weeds, piles of laundry that need attention. Worse than all of that is the clutter in my mind. The people that I have let drift away, the courtesy's that I have ignored, the bills that are behind, the many tasks that are still waiting to be checked off yet another forgotten list. All of this clutter..... it makes me want to scream.... or cry. Most likely cry, but are the tears for the tasks, the stuff, the loss? Yes the loss. The loss of my world when my husband passed away. Should I be done mourning by now? It is well over a year, the dreaded year of proper mourning. But how can I be done when I am still reeling from the events I found out that changed everything I knew about my husband, my marriage, myself.

I think I forget.... and then I don't. I see a picture of the little boy that is half-brother to my daughter. Yes I have a picture, this woman was a "friend", she was in my home, she was in my life in more ways than I ever knew. Or maybe I wake up from a deep sleep and I replay all the details in my mind, all of the nagging things that I ignored and now wish I could go back and replay time to do everything again. Question the phone calls, late nights at work, talk of a business trip just him and her, I knew. Of course I knew, I put my foot down on that trip, deep in the pit of my stomach I knew and I said absolutely no, I would not stand by and let that happen. He didn't go.... they didn't go. But a trip wasn't needed, they still did what they did and a child was still born. Which is worse the child or the act itself? Could I forget, forgive the act if the child didn't exist? Of course if it weren't for the child I would probably never know about the act. These questions nag my mind when I wake up too vulnerable from a deep sleep to push them aside with the clutter of everyday life.

So I fill my days with nothing, mind numbing tasks to keep me from feeling the full emotion of the anger and pain that is still simmering beneath the surface. I am afraid. I am afraid of what will happen if I let those feelings out. I scare myself. I hate him, I hate her, he is dead and she isn't and regardless of either one of them there is still a child that someday my daughter will need to know about. I hate him, the man I married, the most when I think of having to tell my precious little daughter the ugly truth. There is a boy, he is your brother.

I hate that my oldest daughter has to go to work and have to see her. This woman who can live her life with no cares to all the chaos she has caused. Buy her bread and eggs and milk, maybe a treat for the child that shouldn't exist. While my daughter, who loved that man as a father, has to stand and seethe with anger knowing the pain this woman has caused. I wonder what I would do with a minute with this woman.... or more... what would I do with more? Would I talk, cry, lash out, hurt.... I feel my stomach twist when I think of having to see that face. It will happen, it is bound to happen, this is a small town, small community. Will I be able to finally start putting this behind me when I finally face what sickens me the most?

I don't know, what I do know is that I need to start getting some of this poison that I feel out. If just to get it out in words, out of my mind. So that is what brings me here today. My first step in letting go. I have let go of so many things, friends, family, objects, those I might miss but I can live with that, I can sometimes be thankful for the lack of clutter both physical and emotional when I think about the things that I have lost. It is the loss of myself that I fear the most. I look in the mirror and the person I see isn't me. I know who I am, but I know I am lost. I am hoping that these words, this finally finished task will lead to more finished tasks which will hopefully some day lead me back to me.

The Wiz

Went to see Britt last night in a family preview of Trollwood's The Wiz. It was an amazing show with great detail and the dancing was amazing! The new location is beautiful and is well worth the visit. Britt was great as a munchkin, flying monkey, cubbette and other dance/singing parts. The costumes were gorgeous and it was great to see The Wiz updated to a more modern feel. Tonight is opening night and there are plenty of show dates to choose from, if you haven't thought about it yet, I would definitely recommend you get tickets to see The Wiz!!

Still Coping...

So it's been awhile, I am still dealing with the pain from my last post. Some days are really, really good and other days are really, really crappy. Thankfully there are more good days than bad. The kids are enjoying a fun summer, swimming in the backyard and hanging out with friends. Brittany is busy with another intense summer of rehearsals for Trollwood, this year they are doing The Wiz, opening night is this Thursday! We are all very excited for that. Danielle has a new boyfriend who we all really like, he is a very nice boy. Anthony went fishing with his Grandpa Bill yesterday and also went to camp for the first time ever so he is enjoying summer very much. Caitlyn hasn't had many adventures but she seems to make her own and is excited to be going to the fair soon and starting kindergarten this fall... where in the world does the time go?!

I have been thankful for the support I have received from family and friends, and I appreciate the understanding when I just need some time to myself. I have so many days when I feel lost, I am trying not to let my anger at John change my memories of him and what we shared together but at the same time there are times when I feel like my entire marriage was a lie. I am thankful for JR who has really been my sounding board through all of this, I honestly don't know what I would have done without his friendship. I am still struggling to maintain a relationship with my other step-children, that seems to be hit and miss for the most part, more on the miss side right now but I am learning to not take it to heart as much.

So, obviously there is probably quite a bit more to share but again, feeling overwhelmed by all that has happened. Just wanted to check in and say that the kids are all great and I am maybe not great, but I am hanging in there.

At a loss...

So I have been rewriting this post in my head about a million times. Do I write it, do I not write it? In the end I decided to write it because the purpose of this blog is for me to get my feelings out and at the same time have some sort of path to look back on and see how I got from Here to There. My blogging has been sporadic and I hope to someday remedy that, but since it is mainly for me and I honestly don't even know if anyone reads this I will just continue to write here.

I made it through the one year anniversary of John's loss and really felt like I was going backward instead of forward. February and March were pretty much blurs of sadness. It felt like I was never going to heal, as if the rest of my life was going to be this continuing pit of feeling alone and lost. On March 31st, a Tuesday I went to bed so filled with sadness that I prayed to God, to John?, to anyone listening that I needed help to get past this sadness. I was so tired of feeling like I was just functioning but not living. I cried deep, sobbing cries, the pain was just eating me up and I finally had to let it out.

You know the saying..."Be careful what you wish for!" .... you have no idea how true that really is. The very next day, April Fool's day to be exact I found out that I was the biggest fool ever and I went from being sad to being so fucking angry I could hurt someone...or to be specific two someones. Apparently, my wonderful, loving, devoted husband wasn't as devoted as I thought. I received a letter telling me that my children's Social Security payments were being reduced because there was another child who was being claimed on John's account. A child born less than a year after Caitlyn my 4yr old was born. It took me about 20 minutes to process the information and realize it wasn't a mistake... and the second it sunk in I knew immediately who it was. Off on and on, from the very first moment I met this woman (John & I both worked for her father) I had this feeling that something wasn't right. Anytime I questioned it to John he would tell me that I was imagining things, and for whatever reasons I had I choose to ignore my gut instinct, that this woman was a danger to my marriage, and just blindly trust in the lies he fed me. Even as I come to terms with the truth, it is so hard to believe that he not only had an affair with the office slut (she slept with every single one of her father's employees) but he fucking got her pregnant!

There are no words to explain how angry, hurt and betrayed I feel. What pisses me off the most, is that the entire time I was telling him that I had this feeling that I couldn't trust this woman, he was telling me that she was a slut and that he would never think about touching her because who knew what sort of diseases she carried... and all along he was fucking her. All of the times that he would tell me that he loved me, all of the letters he wrote telling me that I was the love of his life, that I was the only woman he wanted, that he would be lost without me ...it was all a lie and I have to wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself? I don't know if this was a one time thing or an ongoing thing... I am pretty sure it was NOT a one time thing although the only person who could tell me would be the slut and I don't want to hear anything she has to say. In all honesty, does it really matter? Once or a hundred times.... it is all the same... my husband was a liar and a manipulator.

As I process all of this shit, one thought keeps coming into my mind...I feel as if he died all over again. Seriously, it is lucky for all concerned that he is already dead because I honestly don't know what I would have done if I would have found out while he was alive. He always made jokes about being afraid of my Hispanic temper... he should have been very afraid because I could beat the crap out of him right now. Here is the hard part, how is it possible to still love and mourn for someone that you now hate? And the real question is do I really hate him? I am still struggling with that, I want to hate him but I think I mostly hate myself. I fucking knew something wasn't right and I completely ignored it. And as much as I hate this situation, part of me is thankful for not finding out until after he was gone because the reality is that I would have left him and he would have died with this anger/hate between us and I would have been the one who had to live with that guilt. Because regardless if I knew or didn't know, he still would have got cancer, he still would have died...no one deserves to die alone.

So the sadness is still there but most of it has been replaced by anger. This anger is motivating me to do things that I should have done a long time ago but felt too guilty to do. It is hard to lose a spouse, someone who everyone including myself described as "the love of my life" and not feel guilty for being alive while they are gone. How could I ever date again knowing that it would be impossible to fill the shoes of my "one true love"? Notice the sarcasm here? Am I ready to date? Fuck no... it will be a long time before I will trust myself to find someone worth my time, but do I want to keep that option open? Yes! I am 36... my life is far from over, John may be dead but I am not and someday I hope to find someone to share my life with. Even before I knew this horrible truth about him, I knew that someday I would be ready to move on and every time I thought about it I felt guilty. Well guess what? The guilt is gone! I was able to remove all of his stuff from my room and am working on doing the same for the rest of the house. Wedding pictures of the two of us will soon be removed and they will be replaced by pictures of him with the kids. My wedding rings and the heart necklace he bought me are now in a box to be given to Caitlyn some day, his shirt that I have slept with for almost an entire year has now been boxed up along with the rest of his stuff. The anger motivated me to do all of those things that might have taken me years to do otherwise. For that I am thankful.

For the first time in over a year I feel free. I am not bound by mourning, I no longer feel the need to define myself as the grieving widow. I no longer feel honor bound to build him up and be his secret keeper. I can now see him as a man, a man that I still love, but one that was flawed and broken when I met him, a man that I made the choice to marry and love, a man who was human and not the superhero I made him out to be when he died. I am working on forgiving him his mistake, because that is what that slut and her child are, a mistake. I know how much he loved me, I know that with all his heart he wanted to be a better person for me and the kids, I know that the most important things in his life were me and our seven children... there was no place for her or even that child in that. When we found out he was dying his only concern was me and our kids, not once did he mention his mistake or her child, honestly I think he was somehow able to separate himself from that and from them, they never belonged to him, they were no part of him. Would I have respected him more if he would have confessed this to me before he died? Yes, but do I understand why he didn't? Of course, for the same reason why he lived with this lie for over two years. He loved me, he loved the kids and he didn't want us to hate him, he didn't want to lose us or the respect we had for him.

So how can someone who loved me so much do something so stupid? I am working on coming to terms with that, I don't like the fact that I ignored all of the signs, but I can live with that. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty about something that has NOTHING do do with me. He didn't sleep with the slut because there was something wrong with our marriage, he didn't sleep with her because I wasn't giving him enough love, or sex or understanding, he slept with the slut because he was sick. He had a sex addiction that I was aware of, that I did my best to understand, that I did my best to ignore because I felt that I would be enough. The problem with addictions is that there is never enough, it has nothing do with feelings or emotions or love, it is a sickness just as much as drug addiction or alcoholism. It doesn't take rocket science to draw the lines between growing up in a family effected by alcohol and marrying someone with another type of addiction. My entire life has been spent trying to fix people and things as a way of not dealing with what is really going on inside of myself. When someone doesn't need me to fix them, like my first husband who wasn't broken until our marriage ended, I question the relationship, if I wasn't there to fix it then did they even need me, what was my purpose? It also isn't too hard to understand that I found broken people in my life because I wanted to feel needed, I wanted to be the person to make everything right because that is my "job", that is how I have defined myself. So can I really blame John for fitting into the mold I needed him to fit into? Placing blame isn't going to take away the past so it really doesn't matter, what does matter is where I go from here.

I needed a wake up call and if I don't get it right this time then there is honestly no hope for me. I am now taking two BE classes, one to help me deal with this betrayal in my marriage, the loss of what my marriage was to me and grieving for John all over again, the second is for myself, to figure out how to make myself happy, to be happy with myself so that I don't gravitate towards another person that needs to be fixed. I have a lot of work to do but I have a lot of support and lots of blessing to be thankful for. I have so many people who believe in me and who have been there for me through all of this. I have every reason to get it right... and guess what? That is exactly what I am going to do!

Saying Good Bye

A year ago tonight were the last moments I had with John. I remember bringing him home from the hospital after his first chemo treatment, he was so tired and weak and not really himself. I remember begging him to try to eat something to keep up his strength. The only thing he could manage was a bit of toast and a few sips of chocolate milk. It was Danielle's birthday and he didn't have the strength to be part of her birthday celebration. After we cut Danielle's cake I went back in the room with him and spent most of the night with my arms around him. I remember trying to will all of my strength into his body, trying to give him enough strength to fight the cancer that in such a short time was already eating away at him.

I remember telling him not to talk, I just wanted him to save his energy for getting better, but as he dozed in and out of sleep I whispered to him again and again how much I loved him. As we drifted off to sleep with all of my many alarms set so that I could wake in the night to give him his medication and breathing treatments I remember trying to slow his sharp, shallow breaths to match mine, to infuse him with my deep calming breaths. If I could have found a way to enter his body and breathe for him I would have done it, but all I could do was pray. Those prayers were never answered. I awoke in the early morning hours to John telling me he couldn't breathe. I checked his oxygen and we talked for a few minutes, he said he had to go to the restroom. While he was gone I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew I woke to him standing at the foot of the bed telling me again that he couldn't breathe. Before I could react he collapsed on to the bed and as I begged him to talk to me, to start breathing, I called 911.

There was someone here almost instantly but what I can still picture is his face with one tear in the corner of his eye. They did everything they could but he was already gone. In that moment my entire life changed. At that moment it fell as if it had completely shattered and I guess in many ways it had but I have also realized in the past year that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Not that I haven't had my weak points, not that I haven't totally lost it and fell into complete and utter despair, but no matter how low my lowest moments were I never completely gave up. How could I? I have 4 kids that need me, that depend on me, that are looking to me to show them how to continue going on.

So that is the purpose of this post, a way of saying goodbye to John. Not that I won't write about him again or not that he still won't be in my heart, but as a way to remember not just how he died but how he lived. He was such an amazing friend, husband and father. He had such a crazy sense of humor and no matter how down I was he could always make me laugh. His sense of humor was as morbid as mine which is what made us such a great couple. When I was being completely bitchy and snarky...he was always amused and completely understood were I was coming from. At the same time, he never hesitated to let me know when I was being unreasonable and in so many ways we balanced each other out.

When we first got together I'm not sure if either of us expected to fall in love so quickly. We met at work and became instant friends. In a very short time we would spend hours just talking, about our pasts about the people in our lives, about where we wanted to go in life and what we found to be most important. I don't think we really thought too much about where we were going together, it just sort of happened. Not that I made it easy for him, poor John had to propose 4 times before I finally gave him a definite yes...not that I didn't want to marry him, but I wanted my next marriage to be for life and I wanted to make sure that we both knew what we were doing. Plus I wanted his final proposal to be one we could share with our grandkids, unlike the first one which happened after a night of drinking with friends! We had a beautiful outdoor wedding which started out amid a sky of dark, gloomy rain clouds. Even though it was pouring rain I insisted that it had to be outside, so we huddled all of our guests under a large canopy and said our vows in the pouring rain. All were surprised when shortly after our ceremony the rain stopped, the sky cleared up and the sun brightened the rest of the day to help us celebrate not only our wedding but the 4th of July.

Our wedding was a great example of how our life together was. No matter how many storms came our way, and believe me there were many, we always stood together. The stronger the storm the stronger we stood because we knew together there wasn't anything we couldn't handle. Even though we were both stubborn, control freaks we both wanted the same simple things. A home for our family, to be the best parents we could be and to provide the best life for our children as we possibly could. When I look at our children and think back to the many great memories that we had together I know that we did pretty damned good at those things. Money was something we didn't always have in abundance but there was always enough for the things that mattered and along the way we still managed to make the memories that are the most important. Birthday parties, family game nights, poker nights, card nights, fairs, circuses, plays, eating out, movie nights, holiday meals, late night flashlight tag, haunted houses, road trips, fishing, going to the lake, trick-or-treating, Easter egg hunts in the middle of the night, school concerts, conferences, family meals all around the table, family meetings that started with us scolding and ended with us all laughing, books read, homework help, Spyro & Final Fantasy marathons, miniature golf, swimming pools, playing in the rain, building snowmen, Saturday morning donut runs, going to church, doing puzzles, going on walks, bike riding.... honestly the list could go on and on. The main ingredient to all of those amazing memories is that we were all together.

If John wasn't at work he was always with us. He sometimes complained about the things I would drag him to, for example he was not a big fan of the circus, but he was always the first one to start buying the snow cones and the cotton candy. He would get such a huge smile on his face when the kids were having a good time. As I look back I guess that is what I miss the most about him. His joy for living, his pleasure in the simple things in life and how no matter how tired he was from work he would still come home and give 100% to his family. Never did he decide to go to the bar and have a beer with friends, not that he couldn't have, not that I didn't encourage him to do so, but because the only place he wanted to be was home with his family. He took the time to read books to the kids, to hear about their day, he took a real interest in everything they did and enjoyed nothing more than to brag about their accomplishments in school.

I suppose I could sit here forever sharing all of the beautiful memories that we had. That is what makes this so hard. I think about our beautiful children, about our 4 year old who was cheated out of more time with her wonderful dad. I will do everything I can to keep those memories alive for the kids and I am doing everything I can to continue living the life I know he wanted us to have. But it is so fucking hard....it is hard to once again be a single mom, it is hard to sit around the table for meals to see his glaringly empty chair, it is hard to read all of the bedtime fairy tales, do all of the homework, and not have someone there to share it with you. It is hard to go to the plays and the concerts and dance shows and not have someone there to share in those joys as only a parent can. It is hard to sit in church and picture him holding the little one as he sang loudly off key in her ear to make her giggle. It sucks to sit in an empty room surrounded by pictures and memories with tears streaming down my face knowing that he is really gone.

I think about this past year without him and it has been such a blurr. I can't believe he has really been gone a year because it seems like just yesterday we were sitting in his garage, listening to classic rock blasting from his stereo, as we played cards just the two of us, watching a thunderstorm through the open door. I am so afraid that these memories will dim, that all that he was to me and the kids will somehow disappear. I know in my mind that I will never let that happen but in my heart I am scared that I will forget the bits and pieces that weren't significant in themselves but as a whole they made up who we were together and what we shared as a family.

As I say goodbye to this first year of mourning I find myself afraid to move forward. I want to work through my grief, I can feel the slivers of hope in my heart that I will find a purpose other than just getting through the pain. I am ready to move past this storm but at the same time I am afraid that if I just look to the future looking for rainbows I will miss the beauty in the dark sky that make it possible for the rainbows to appear. I want to be happy again, not just for a moment here or there, but for all of the ones in between. I want to sit around the table again as a family, something the we have only done sporadically since John passed away. I want to clear the clutter out of my bedroom and make it my own again, I want to start focusing on the joys and not just on what I have lost. I want to learn once again, and in some ways for the very first time, who I am as a person, someone who is not just a mom, not just a wife. I want to take the beauty of all that I had with John and once again start living..not just functioning but truly living.

Tomorrow I want to spend the day with the kids remembering John but I also want to take the time for myself to think about what it is I want and where I want to go from here. I don't know what the next year will bring but I am determined that when next year comes I will be writing about all of the amazing things I have done in the past year, posting pictures not of memories gone by but of those in the moment that are wonderful, spectacular and amazing that can only be experienced by truly living.


Goodbye John, thank you for all of the love and joy you brought into our lives. You will always be loved and remembered.

Like everyone else I was tagged on Facebook to write 25 Random Things about myself which is harder than it sounds! After all that work I figured I would share them here as well. My posts lately have been on the sad, serious side and figured it could use some lightening up. If you have a 25 Random Things floating around somewhere please comment so that I can read yours as well.


25. I love to fill out random surveys and questionnaires...I know everyone is most likely sick of them and most likely don't even read them but I can't help myself...it's an impulse I can't seem to control.

24. I sometimes write letters to my deceased husband on MySpace because publishing it online makes me feel like he can somehow read it.

23. I am a sucker for new household cleaning products, as soon as I see something new I have to buy it despite the fact that I hate cleaning house.

22. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness which meant no birthdays or holidays, when my parents left the church I had my very first birthday party at 16.

21. I have stacks of greeting cards that I have purchased for people that have never been filled out or sent out and when an event comes up I never use those cards I always buy new ones that don't get sent to add to the pile.

20. I have had the same online blog since November 1, 2000.

19. My favorite ice cream is Ben & Jerry's Phish food which my kids know when purchased, which is rarely, to not even ask for a bite because I won't share.

18. I apparently failed the number one lesson in kindergarten... see #19 ... because I HATE to share.

17. I prefer hard liquor over beer although will occasionally drink wine and I would never drink anything frozen that has a cute little umbrella in it... the only exception being of course margaritas (minus the umbrella).

16. When I was 15 I worked at a Chinese restaurant and was shocked to see Cindy Crawford (my idol at the time) eating there, I was too embarrassed to ask her for an autograph but was beyond excited when she asked me to go outside with her and her friends and take their picture in front of the building.. which thinking about it now was weird cause it was an ugly building not to mention we were in Cheyenne, Wyoming!?

15. I have always dreamed about writing a book but have never attempted it because I am scared to death that it would suck and no one would read it, well except my mom and grandmother but that doesn't count!

14. I hate cartoons...all of them... even the Disney ones.

13. I love PostSecret and have a few secrets that I would never share here that maybe someday I will mail to them.

12. I play on my 4yr old's Webkinz account "because she is too young" but I think when she is old enough to play on her own I will still play on her account.

11. I will be getting my first (and probably only) tattoo on July 4th in memory of my husband which is also our wedding anniversary.

10. I hate that facebook doesn't have spell check and often copy/paste my notes/messages to Word so that I can check the spelling before I post.

9. I have watched just about every episode of Charmed & Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

8. When I was a preschooler my dad would take me rabbit hunting in the Colorado mountains, once he left me to sit and wait for him while he hiked an area that would be too hard for me and when he came back I was having a tea party with the dead rabbits.

7. I have been in love with George Michael since his WHAM days and I still refuse to believe that he is gay.

6. I can't sing to save my life and am always amazed by my daughters' beautiful singing voices cause I have no idea where they got that talent from.

5. When my daughters were in girl scouts I didn't even attempt to sew their badges on their vests/sashes instead I just hot glued them into place.

4. I don't really love to scrapbook, too messy and time consuming, but I have sometimes put it down as a hobby in profiles because I can't think of anything else.

3. I am fascinated with all things Irish which is strange considering I am Hispanic and sometimes wish my husbands last name would have been O'Sullivan instead of just Sullivan.

2. I still enjoy coloring in coloring books and playing with play-dough and find those things to be my favorite part of running a home daycare.

1. I have the horrible habit of leaving the cupboard doors open when I am in the kitchen...something that drove both of my husbands insane.

A day that will forever be remembered in history and I find myself wondering what John would think if he were alive to see this. I know that he would have been excited as I am to see Obama take office. I find myself on twitter and CNN's Live stream and know that millions of people around the world are watching live and the one person I would love to share this day with is no longer here.

I wonder how many more events will bring me to this moment of wanting more than anything to share this with my best friend. Of course there are the personal days, like graduations, weddings, grandchildren being born...those are a given that I will want more than anything to have John next to me to share those moments but I am surprised how much I find myself wanting to talk to him today. To hear his thoughts on such a historical day.

At the same time there is a feeling of sadness as I realize that life goes on. Not just the small events of every day life, but the huge, historical moments that he will never be a part of and yet I have no choice but to continue living my life because as much as you don't want it to - time continues to pass and bring with it continual change. I think the sadness is partly from the feelings of excitement I have at such a huge change for our country and the knowledge that John will never be a part of this time with me.

Last night at my BE support group I had a bit of an epiphany in hearing the statement... "You are You.. You are not your marriage." And yet that is how I have felt defined, first by my children and secondly by my marriage...I am still a mom but I am no longer a wife and I realize that I don't know how to define myself without that connection...and if I don't figure out how to do that where will that leave me when the kids all grow up and I am left alone? I also realized that I am still holding on to many ties to John that I am not sure when I will be ready to let go. I am still wearing my wedding rings and still feel married, I still find myself talking to John and when I have to fill out a relationship status I find myself marking "married" if "widowed" is not available because the thought of marking myself as "single" isn't even possible right now. At the same time I know that as I work through my grief those ties will soon start to unravel to the point that they will no longer be there. One day I will wake up and be ready to take off my wedding rings and place them in a box, I will no longer fall asleep whispering an "I love you and miss you" to John in the dark, emptiness of a lonely bed, I will no longer be afraid to mark the "single" box and I will no longer feel married.

I don't know when that day will come but I do know that it is out there and I know that when I reach that day the person who would be the proudest of me will be John. He might not be here in the every day moments but I believe with all my heart that his love and presence are still with me and I know that he will be ready for me to let him go, when I the time comes that I am ready to let him go.

So I will continue with my day, I will no doubt cry as I listen to our new Presidents speech and I will listen to the kids excitement as they come home from school, I will make dinner and spend the night watching Inauguration coverage on tv. I will give my thoughts and prayers to our President and our nation for change to really be here and although part of me is sad for my own personal loss of a great husband another part of me is also feeling happiness and excitement over what the future will bring.

Hard to believe that in less than a month it will have been one year since John has been gone. I find myself dwelling on the dates, remembering what it was we were doing at this time a year ago. I keep remembering how sick John was with what the doctor told us was only bronchitis. We were both tired of him being sick and doing our best to not let our minds dwell on the fact that he wasn't getting better. Not once did I imagine that he would die from being sick, it seriously never crossed my mind.

Looking back I find myself questioning why I didn't suspect how serious it was, how could I not have known how sick he was? Part of me feels that I was afraid to acknowledge the possibility that there was something more going on than a simple cold he couldn't shake and another part of me wonders if because I always thought of him as strong and never let myself think about my life without him that I truly never imagined that anything could happen to him.

I try to not beat myself up with the "what ifs" because these do nothing but make me feel worse at a time that is already hard enough to deal with. I am thankful that I am now in counseling and I am also thankful that my BE (Beginning Experience) group will be meeting again next week. I am going to need all of the support I can get in the next few weeks.

As much as I try to prepare myself for the pain that is inevitable, I also feel like I don't want to spend the next few weeks dwelling on my pain and loss because as much as I would like to go to bed and sleep until Jan. 2nd passes me by, that just isn't an option, and I don't see the point in completely draining myself with sadness. So that is why I am doing my best to focus on the positives in my life. When John first passed away I did my best to write down 5 things I was grateful for every day. I haven't done that on a regular basis lately and would like to start getting back into the habit.

In that same spirit I have also joined (as of today) 29Gifts.org as a way to focus some of my energy away from myself and to give back to others out of thankfulness to all of the people who have been there for me and the kids this past year. I am looking forward to giving my first gift and excited to see what the next 29 days will bring.

Christmas vacation is officialy over. The kids are back in school and we are back to our old routine. We made it through our first Christmas without John ok, although for me I think the days after Christmas were the hardest. There was so much to do to get ready for Christmas that it must have kept me distracted enough that I wasn't as sad as I was worried I was going to be.

Although Christmas Eve was very hard, we went to John's sister's house and it was very strange to be there celebrating Christmas without him. John's kids didn't show up, but that wasn't a surprise. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that they don't wish to have a relationship with myself or my kids. It has been hard for me to get to this point but I am finally okay with that. When we got home it was also hard to do all of the Christmas Eve stuff that John and I used to do together. Putting out the Santa gifts by myself after the kids were all in bed was very hard and I broke down crying several times. When I finally went to bed I had a good cry and I think that helped me to get through Christmas Day.

We enjoyed a great day together, the kids opened their gifts and we had fun playing their new games. Although Caitlyn was a bit disappointed that the doll house that she asked Santa for came from me instead of from Santa. Santa brought her some nice toys but there really wasn't room in his sleigh for her doll house so I bought it for her instead. I tried to explain that Santa is my friend too and that I like to help him get her special gifts as well... she was still upset that Santa didn't bring it for her... disillusioned at 4... but I guess losing your daddy at such a young age will do that to you.

Despite that setback, the rest of the day was fun. I think my favorite memory of the day was seeing the excitement in Caitlyn's face when Anthony opened up the gifts that she had picked out and wrapped for him all by herself. She was bouncing up and down in her excitement to see his reaction to the great gifts she picked out which made me realize that giving truely is better than receiving.

New Years Eve was hard but the kids and I did our best to have a great time. Brittany went to a party with Josh but the rest of us stayed home and played games and watched movies. It was pretty much what we did last year, except for last year John was already so sick that he spent most of the evening in bed. I remember we moved the games into our bedroom so that he didn't miss out on the party and him and Caitlyn read books together and they both fell asleep before midnight inspite of all the noise the rest of us made playing Guitar Hero and Singing Star.

Besides remembering how sick he was I also remember it as the last time that we made love. Although he was sleeping when I finally went to bed his son called because he had been drinking and need a ride home. John drove him home about 3am and when he came back home we were both awake, we cuddled in bed and made love.... never imagining that it would be for the very last time.

So once again I get through the hard times with bitter sweet memories, so thankful for all of the wonderful memories of John but at the same time missing him so much that I have this unbearable ache deep inside. I know that my grief is getting better, I don't cry every day and I can think of him and talk about him without completely breaking down, but at the same time there are moments that hurt so much that I feel as if I am reliving the day he died again and again. I am dreading February 2nd, I am not ready for this first year of mourning to be done, I want to hold on to him and somehow it feels as if I will be letting him go once we reach that mark.

I do know that healing has taken place in many ways, the kids and I are pretty much used to life on our own, the empty spaces left by John's death and the distance from the stepkids are getting filled with new memories and new friendships. I find myself looking towards 2009 with hope that this year will be ok, there are many things to look forward to and I refuse to let my pain take over my life. Brittany will graduate in May, my uncle and grandmother are hoping to visit this year, there will soon be another spring and another summer and with that even more memories to be made.

You never know what life has in store for you but in reflecting back on 2008 I know that no matter what it brings I will have the strength and grace to handle whatever comes my way. At this point I guess I can't ask for more than that.

I had my last counseling session of the year today. It was extremely draining and I am completely exhausted. I realize just how much pain I still have to deal with since losing John. All I want to do right now is go to bed and take a nap which I can't do, I also feel a sense of relief that I can face the pain, feel the pieces shatter and still be able to pick myself up and keep going. Although it is very hard it also tells me that I am going to be ok.

Have you ever read a book and found yourself so vested in the characters that you can't help yourself from taking a peek at the end to make sure that they have a happy ending before you put any more of your feelings on the line for them? Well that is how I am feeling right now. I wish that I could take a peek into the future just to check that it all turns out all right, if I could only know that it would be so much easier to face the pain that it is going to take to deal with grieving for John.

But of course there is no way to do that and I suppose that is ok, my happy ending can still be waiting for me, after all I have already had a happy ending with John, I just hope that the sequel to my life isn't as disappointing as most that I have watched in theaters!

Well, we made it through Christmas. It wasn't easy but it helped to focus on the kids and do my best to make this a great Christmas for them. I think they all pretty much got what they wanted, Caitlyn got her dollhouse, Anthony got Rock Band, the girls both got new stereo ipod docks which they love although the might have preferred cell phones but maybe for their birthdays. Overall, it was a great Christmas...with of course the one huge fact that we all missed John like crazy, but I know he was here smiling down on us, in our hearts and minds as he is every day.

It was really nice to just have my little family here for the day although we did enjoy Christmas Eve with John's sisters and really enjoyed having Ver and Penny stop by on Christmas to visit with the kids and play a few games. It was very nice and relaxing and the one thing I really wish is that John and I would have had a smaller Christmas last year with just us and our little family so that we could have had just a bit more time together without all of the craziness of guests. But of course everything happens for a reason and I am thankful that for New Years Eve it was just us although as that day gets closer I find myself getting sadder because I realize we are getting close to the one year anniversary since he has been gone and I just don't feel ready to deal with that yet.

It has been nice having the kids home from school but I am looking forward for New Years Eve to be here and gone. A new year, a fresh start... so much has been changing and as hard as 2008 was I am hoping that 2009 will be a much better year. I have so many things that I am working on right now that it has me excited for a new year. The main one being the work I am doing on myself as I am still seeing a councilor to work through the loss of John and from pain that I still carry from my past. It has been hard so far and I am sure it will only get harder but it also feels good to feel so much of the crap being let go. I am looking forward to getting back on track with eating healthy and working out. I also look forward to this time of year to get a bit more organized and get rid of clutter that we no longer need.

So time to start making those resolutions, time to start letting go of the past and start looking toward the future. I have no idea what the next year will bring but I do know from looking not just back on 2008 but on all of the years prior to that, I am a very strong person and there isn't anything that I can't do.

Last night the kids and I enjoyed the Holiday Lights parade in Fargo, it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be although we did start freezing towards the end. I had told Britt & Danielle that we were going to the parade and would pick them up right after drama practice but being teenagers they didn't think to dress appropriately and Britt was actually wearing capris & high heels! If we would have had time to go home and change we would have went but we were already running late. I did think to bring them hats/gloves and there were blankets so that did help. We had a great spot on Broadway right in front of Juanos Mexican restaurant. Of course I forgot to bring bags for candy which had Caitlyn freaking out, she finally took a hat from her sister and used that to collect candy and when that got too full we dumped it in my purse. I know the kids love getting candy but I sometimes wish that they didn't throw candy so that they would just sit and enjoy watching the floats go by instead of jumping around snatching at tootsie rolls that no one really eats anyway.

Towards the end of the parade Caitlyn started complaining about being cold and the girls said there feet were frozen so we went to Juanos to eat, we had a great dinner (including a yummy margarita for me) and were still able to watch the end of the parade.

I realized last night that I have most of my Christmas shopping done which means that I will have more time to take the kids to holiday events like last night. I think it will be fun do the sorts of things that I always wanted to do but have never really made time for. John was always so tired when he got home from work that I never would have wanted to drag him to a parade and it wouldn't have felt right to go without him so we didn't do a lot of stuff like that but I know he would be happy to see the kids enjoying the holiday season doing things as a family. Not to mention that I am hoping that by keeping busy we won't have too much time sitting at home being sad.


The kids waiting for the parade to start

One of the many beautiful floats in the Holiday Light parade

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog...all areas of my life seem to have been extremely sporadic. I can't focus on any one thing and seem to drift from one thing to another not really accomplishing anything other than to fill my time with meaningless tasks. I am working on fixing that though thanks to my BE group and the BE weekend I attended. The weekend was AMAZING! It really opened up my eyes to all that has been inside of me that I have never acknowledged. The first thing I did after my weekend was find a counselor. Last week was my first session and I will be going again today. We seemed to click right away and I feel very comfortable talking to him so hopefully I can work through all of the crap from my past so that I can grieve for John so that I can focus on living my life in the present.

I still miss John very much and there will always be an empty place in my heart because he is no longer with me, but I am learning that I have to acknowledge that empty space and not fill it with destructive behaviors. I have made a few poor choices since John passed away, but I realize now that those desicions don't define who I am as a person, they only prove to show how lost I have been since John passed away. I am getting better and in doing so have no reason to continue on a self destructive path. I feel bad for what I did but I am not going to let a few mistakes define who I am as a person or take away from all that I was in the past and all that I am now.

Things will never be the same, I will never be the same... but I am finally realizing that I am ok with that. I miss the people who were part of my life when John was alive, but I can't hold on to them to keep him alive because he is gone and without him it just doesn't seem to work. Losing the few makes me even more appreciative of those who have chosen to keep me in their life, I am so thankful for those who have continued to love and support me and the kids even during the time that I seemed to only want to push people away from me. Honestly I didn't even realize I was doing that but now that I know I am hoping to stop putting up walls around me. The walls served their purpose in dealing with the pain of losing John but it is time to let them go, I don't want to live life afraid of feeling pain, pain is part of life and once you deal with the pain you are free to move on and experience all that life has to offer.

I am looking forward to the holidays in a bittersweet sort of way. It won't be the same without John, it is going to be sad, but at the same time I am determined to make them fun for the kids. I don't want them to grow up hating holidays because they make them feel sad or depressed. I can't promise that there won't be tears shed, but I am promise to make sure there is plenty of love and laughter to help deal with the tears. I am lucky to have such amazing children and I want to make sure that we all life a life that John would be proud of.


Taken Veteran's Day 2008

The kids at the Red River Valley Zoo in front of the rock that we purchased in John's memory

I'm not sure where to start, the past few weeks have been very hard. I have been dealing with personal medical stuff, nothing serious so far, just abnormal pap smears and procedures to prevent anything serious. I'm not sure if that is why I fell apart tonight, or if it is a combination of that and my coming up on almost 9 months of John being gone, or most likely a combination of several different things.

What I do know is that the pain is so overwhelming right now that I can't stop crying and I am feeling so very alone. I just want my life back, I want my husband back, I want to go to bed with my arms around him knowing that everything in the world is as it should be. I just sat in a room of people at my BE meeting listening to them all talk about what they can see for their future now that they are divorced, even those still in pain from the divorce can see a future of happiness with another person. I couldn't even answer the question because I honestly don't know what if anything I can see for my future.

I know that John would want me to move forward, but honestly I can't imagine finding anyone out there who will make me as happy and complete as he did. I am feeling sad because I miss him, sad because I am lonely, sad because it feels as if eveyone else has moved on from his death and I am still here back in square one with the same heart wrenching pain that leaves me feeling like I can't breathe.

Halloween is coming up and I can't help but think back to last year when John was starting to get sick. Since our first Halloween together John took the little ones trick-or-treating while I handed out candy. Last year was the first year ever that we went together. He was already so tired, so weak, we thought he just had a cold. I remember when Caitlyn got tired of trick-or-treating and wanted to be carried home he was in too much pain to carry her, so I picked her up and carried her home. If I would have really stopped to think about it I would have realized just how sick he really was. Looking back, there is no way that he would have let me carry her all those blocks home if he wasn't deathly ill. Why didn't I see that? How could I not have known? Or was it that somewhere deep inside we both knew but neither of us were able to face the truth?

Nine months he has been gone and I still have more questions than answers. How is it possible that he is really gone? I will never see him again or kiss him again, I will never hold his hand or touch his hair. No matter how much I cry or how much I beg, he is never coming back. He is gone and I am still here, left with this pain that hurts so fucking much I just want to scream. I am locked in this room, the only outlet for my pain is this computer, a keyboard and screen that are as cold and unfeeling as I wish I were. If only I could shut of this pain, drink away this emotion, but I can't. I have kids that need me, and unlike when I was divorced I don't have weekends when I am child free so that I could deal with my pain and not worry that my pain or destruction would hurt the kids, instead I have to hold it all in, be strong, deal with it on my own the best I can, pushing the pain away until I am numb.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if the numbness would keep the feelings at bay, the problem is that it is only temporary. The feelings seem to find the worst times to come rushing out, at church, at these meetings I have been going to, in the middle of buying groceries, driving down the street, the feelings and emotions are so unpredictible that I feel like a basket case at times because when they finally push their way to the surface I can no longer hold them back and the tears turn to sobs and they just won't stop. Even something as simple as someone giving me a hug can set it off, to the point that I just want to push people away from me and do what ever it takes to stop feeling.

But I can't. I have kids that need me and how can I be a good mom if I let all emotions die? How can I be there for them if I allow myself to become nothing more than an empty shell? So I will do the best I can, which is sit here and cry, let it all out and piece myself back together the best that I can.

It is hard to believe that it has been 8 months since John has been gone. In many ways things are ok, but in many ways I am still working on getting on with my life. I am still sad, but lately the anger seems to have overtaken sad. I still cry but not as much, but when the tears do start it is hard to get them to stop.

The kids are doing good. Britt and Danielle have a play coming up next week, they are doing well in school. Anthony is doing good in school and is wanting to be in the chess club again this year. Caitlyn is cute and silly as usual and can always make me smile. She loves Sunday school and has recently started dance which she also loves. Hard to believe she will be in kindergarten next year!

I have started going to BE (Beginning Experience) a group for men/women who have lost a loved one through divorce or death. It is once a week and I find myself looking foward to going every week. Most of the people there are divorced but the loss is similar (not the same in my mind but I can see how a divorce can be like a death) and the grieving process seems to be the same. It is nice to have a place to go, to talk to others in similar situations who can understand my anger and grief.

The stepkids seem to be drifting away and I'm not sure if there is much I can do (or should do) about it. Maybe being around me and the kids reminds them of their dad being gone, maybe being in this house is too hard, I honestly don't know because they have just sort of stopped staying in touch. I know that I can try to get in touch but maybe for me it is also time for me to get over my feelings that losing them is like losing John.

The reality is that John is gone, he is never coming back and I need to move on with my life. I care about his kids and want only the best for them, but I am 35, I am not ready to start knitting and be a grandmother. I don't know what role I have now, it was easy with John here, without him I am finding myself again and I guess I need space to do so. I hope that the kids and their kids are always part of my life in some way but right now I guess we all just need some space from each other.

I still find it hard to focus on things, I have so many things that need to be done but I just can't seem to accomplish much more than routine every day things like cleaing the kitchen and making meals. My room is a mess, I find myself buried in clutter, almost like it is a way to hide the fact that John is no longer here. If I focus on the mess I can think about something else other than being sad and when it is clean I feel like it will painfully obvious that he is no longer here.

So, I pile up papers, and stack clothes, move stuff around but haven't taken the time to really clean it. Hopefully I will get to it soon because I don't like it this way, I just don't know if I am ready to face the reality of what is really going on. Without the mess, it is just an empty room, an empty bed, an empty life.

Obviously I still have quite a bit to work through... not sure if I will ever be ok, I want to be ok, but it is so hard, to move forward I have to let go of the past and I am not quite ready to do that yet.

Well, as if things weren't going bad as it was my computer decided to take a crap at the end of February and so I have been disconnected in many ways. I have missed the outlet of being able to write here and get my thoughts down. I have missed having a way to vent or feel as if there were someone out there who maybe can understand what I am going through. Quite a bit has happened in the last few months and I don't have time to write about it all but I will soon, the main thing is that I miss John more and more every day but life goes on and so do I. The kids need me to be strong and so I am doing my best. Mother's Day was hard and I am dreading Father's Day but with each day I will just keep going. It is still hard to believe that he is really gone, I keep expecting him to walk through the door and give me a hug and kiss. I wake up in the mornings and expect to feel him next to me and it takes a few moments to realize that he is really gone. The kids are also still working through their loss, the don't talk about it much but some days (like yesterday) Caitlyn will just get very sad and just sit there missing her dad. We talk about him often and I hope that in doing so I will keep his memory alive for her. It is so hard to imagine a day when she no longer remembers her daddy. He loved her so much and I want her to always remember that although it is hard to see little girls with their daddy's and know that Caitlyn will never have that. But, I can't dwell on thoughts like that or else I wouldn't be able to function so I will just do my best to keep my spirits up and be thankful for all of the wonderful memories and thankful for all of the support that we have received from friends and family.

Yesterday would have been John's 50th birthday, instead there was a benefit in celebration of his life. I am overwhelmed by all of the support we received, I am humbled by how many people cared enough to be there and I am sad because it is yet one more thing that I won't be able to share with John. I wonder what he would think of all of this? I bet he would be amazed at how many people cared enough about him to be there.

I have so much more that I want to write but I am so tired. I am drained and all I want to do is go to bed.

The past few days have been extremely difficult. It is starting to hit me that he is really gone, he is never coming back and I am completely alone. I suppose that I would feel alone regardless of how many people were around me but the aloneness seems to be hitting harder because there are quite a few people I had expected to at least hear from but haven't. I was angry with my brother but when we finally talked about it...or should I say when I yelled at him about it, he expressed that he didn't know what to say...that he felt words weren't enough and that to send a card would seem like an insult. I guess I have always tried to reach out in sympathy to those that needed it but I can think of a few times when I wasn't there for someone who needed it. As I look at those times I realize that they hit too close to home and I didn't know what to do or say.

I am trying to keep that in mind and working hard to let hurt feelings go because in the end the only person they are going to hurt is me. So I am working on finding things to be grateful for and I am working on writing down all of the wonderful memories I have of John. I have been spending quite a bit of time at CafeMom because when I write there I know that someone is reading it and in the short amount of time I have been part of that community I have found quite a bit of support. It is nice to have this blog to write and not worry about many people (if any) reading it but at the same time it is also nice to know that what you are writing is being read and it is nice to feel as if I have support out there, even if it is only in the virtual world.

So yesterday sucked, I had to apply for medical assistance and temporary food stamps for me and the kids just to help us get through until I figure out which direction I am going in. The medical part is important because I need to get a complete physical because it is more important than ever that I get healthy. As hard as it is for the kids to be without John it would be even harder if they lost me so I need to take care of myself for them and also because I promised John that I would. I really hate asking for help, there were plenty of times when John and I could have asked for assistance but we never did. We just did some creative budgeting and stretched our food as far as it would go....thank goodness for beans and rice! Sometimes I was told that we should just get over being proud and ask for help. But it wasn't just pride it was important to John and I that we do this on our own. We made the commitment to the kids and we never wanted them to feel like we had to take charity to support them. So we didn't go on fancy vacations and the kids didn't have tons of new clothes when school started and John and I sacrificed things that we would have liked to have but thanks to help from family we were always ok financially and in the important things, the things that mattered most we had far more of than a lot of people have.

We were always so happy, even when times were hard we were happy because we were together, we had our family and each other and smart, talented and wonderful kids...we were extremely lucky. So I am thankful that we never asked for help because it makes what we did together even more amazing. But now he is gone....and as much as I hate to do it, I have to ask for help. Not forever, not for very long....just until I can figure out where I am at and how I am going to juggle everything. People have always told me that assistance is there for when you really need it....well guess what? I really need it but it still sucks!

So today was pretty much a crap day. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I was upset because I hadn't heard from my brother since the funeral and although I understood that he couldn't make it to the funeral I was upset that him and his stupid wife didn't even think to send a card. I was venting, I'm sorry, I need to do that sometimes and since John isn't here to listen to me vent I was stupid and vented to her. I asked her to NOT tell my brother but of course that is the first thing she does and surprise, surprise, my brother calls.

I didn't want him to call because someone told him to call, I am just sick of feeling so alone. He isn't the only one not calling, since the funeral I haven't heard from quite a few people and the only ones I have seen are my sister (because she has to drop of Tyler for daycare), women from church who have been bringing food, and John's sisters. I did see Marshal but that is only because I went to Shelby's dance recital oh yeah and ViAnnah but only because she needed me to drive her to the emergency room. All of the kids had promised to stop by this weekend...of course they didn't...big shocker there. I know that not everyone's life stops because my husband is dead but it sure as hell would be nice if all of my family who promised John that they would be here for me and the kids would at least pretend to follow through for the first month or so.

So I started yelling at my brother and mostly I was yelling cause I was mad at my mom for having such a big mouth. I'm not even going to bother calling her about this because she is just so wrapped up in "her pain" that she just makes me mad. I can't help but wonder if her "pain" is because MY husband is dead or is it because the attention isn't all focused on her.

Okay, so now I sound like a bitter bitch. Sorry...I am bitter and angry and bitchy and you know what, it doesn't matter because for the most part there isn't anyone around who gives a shit. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives and that is fine except what hurts the most is that John and I would both have been there completely for anyone that we know if the circumstances were reversed. My sister would call on my husband for every little thing even though she has her own boyfriend who was capable of doing those things, do you think now her or her boyfriend would think to stop by to see if maybe I need help shoveling snow or fixing a sump pump that isn't working? Of course not, because that would be too much work. Not to mention that most people don't have a problem asking for help, I should know because my husband was always the person they would call. I don't like asking for help, and now that I have had to ask for help it sucks because the few things that I have asked for haven't been done. I still can't do laundry, my sump pump is still broken and I can't even get a stupid punching bag so that I can get some of this anger out without having to write mean nasty things that will make me feel guilty later.

I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so mad and not having the one person here who would always be able to calm me and make me laugh. I hate that I can't vent to someone and not be able to trust that they will keep their mouth shut about it. I hate that I have to sit in my room all night, alone crying because it is so empty without him. I hate that I am starting to get mad at him. I hate that it will be a long fucking time before I can be with him again and I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I hate being asked how I am doing. Seriously...how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?! How do you think I am doing?