Last night we took the kids here to eat. It was so much fun. Anthony loved it. Except for I bought him a blue slushy drink and he drank it way too fast and he sat there shaking like a leaf with blue lips. The inside of the restaurant is so cool. They have space alien stuff everywhere and the food is also very good. Of course the kids love the video games best. Brittany won a 400 ticket jackpot so she was of course very excited, Danielle on the other hand said that she was "jipped" with only 100 tickets. Anthony won three tickets and was very happy! ROFL

Earlier in the day I had taken them out to visit the new friends we made while Brittany was in her acting workshop. I think I blogged about the woman with the foster children. She gave us her address and invited us out to her farm to visit. We had so much fun. The kids loved seeing all of the animals they got to pet the horses, goats, cows, kitties and puppy, they also had a llama, pig, turkeys, geese (mean nasty creatures!), and ducks. Also on her farm she has this cute little play house for the kids. It is decorated with old country/victorian furniture. It is so adorable. There are racks of old dress up clothes for the girls with tons of jewelry, make up and hats. There is a sitting area with victorian style couches and a kitchen area with an old fashioned stove and tables draped in gorgeous floor length table cloths. There is an antique hutch filled with dishes for tea parties and a working fridge stocked with popsicles and juice. She keeps it air conditioned and has a fan blowing so that the girls can play in it no matter how hot it is. I just wanted to move right in! If her doll house was like that I am sure you can imagine how beautiful her real house is! It was also gorgeous and we enjoyed a long visit in her cozy kitchen while the kids all played together.

Next week she is hosting a petting zoo/party for a head start program for the children of migrant workers in this area. She has done this for a few years, they give the kids pony rides on her miniature horses, do a petting zoo, hay ride, face painting, it sounds like a huge event. She donates all of her time and also provides drinks and snacks. The whole thing sounded so cool, I of course offered to help. She was excited to have an extra hand to help out so I will be out there Tuesday and Thursday. It will be nice to have something to keep me busy right after the girls leave because that is always a hard week for me.

The girls' dad will be here tomorrow :-( I am always happy for them because I know how much they miss him and I know they will have so much fun, but once they are gone I cry like crazy and feel sorry for myself. At least now I have Anthony, it was really hard before I had him and I was childless for most of the summer. Right now the girls are cleaning their room and John is working on limo's. Once they are done we are going into town. We are going to take them here to play miniature golf and ride GoKarts. Later tonight the girls are going to have a sleepover with their best friends while I try to pack all of their stuff. We still haven't taken our honeymoon, we are hoping to get away in a few weeks. We are planning on leaving July 26th. I still can't get used to signing my name as Sullivan and John keeps asking me if I feel married. What in the world does married feel like? We have been together so long I can't pinpoint any thing that has changed other than my name. Maybe after the honeymoon I will feel married! LOL

We took my brother to the airport today. He will be heading out to the Middle East later this month. Today has been such a shitty day. I hate when my brother leaves, it is so hard to see him go. On top of that I tried to call my sister because I have been feeling so shitty over what happened and she changed her freakin' phone number! Everything is so simple for her. She can just change her phone number and forget that the rest of us exist. I hate when she does this. What makes her think that being part of a family has nothing to do with her? As long as everyone is kissing her ass she is perfectly happy but as soon as the whole freaking world doesn't revolve around her she just throws a little temper tantrum and forgets about the people that really care about her. I can't count the number of times that she has just decided to quit talking to everyone in our family. Does she think that she is the only person in this world that has had a screwed up childhood? Get over it! It wasn't that damn bad and if it was get same therapy and move on. Maybe I am just jealous because it could never be that easy for me. No matter how much my mom pisses me off or my dad makes me want to scream, I couldn't just cut them out of my life. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be well over a year before she will speak to any of us again. In one month my brother will be stuck on a Navy ship halfway across the world and would give anything to be here with his family and my sister who lives in the same town with us won't even bother to pick up the phone to tell us all to go to hell.

I have so much to blog about, both very, very good and some very bad. I wish I would have had time to blog about all of the good before all of the other shit happened. Because even as I think about my wedding and how beautiful it was I have a hard time pushing what happened afterwards out of my mind. I will tell you now about the wedding, because that is what I really want to share with you. The rest can wait until later. Let me just say first that I am fine, the kids are fine and John and I are very happy.

The morning of the wedding I woke up early but still had so much to do. I had to finish printing off wedding programs and I still had to pack my bag for that night. I don't know if I mentioned it but John and I are taking a honeymoon in a few weeks after the girls are in California with their dad. The night of our wedding though John reserved us a really nice room at the Ramada. Anyway, I was rushing around, nervous trying not to forget anything. My dad called twice to find out where I was at, I finally had everything together and ran out the door. The sky was gray and cloudy, there was a cool breeze, which felt good because it had been unbearably hot days before. When I got to my mom's I went into the dining room where everyone was. My brother and Sandy were cutting up fruit for the fruit bowl my brother carved out of the watermelon. It was really beautiful. My brother asked me what I thought of it and I told him it was beautiful. He started acting all pissed off that after all that work I couldn’t say anything better than that. I thought he was mad that I wasn't there to help earlier and that made me mad, before I could say anything else my sister came up behind me and asked me for a hug. I turned around and standing next to my sister was Missy. I haven't seen her in 10 years. I can't even tell you how I felt, I have never been so shocked or so happy. We both hugged and cried for about 10 minutes. I couldn't stop crying. Missy has never been on an airplane, she flew all the way from Colorado for my wedding. My dad and sister paid to fly Missy here and that was my wedding gift. Isn't that incredible?? I think I mentioned before that having Sandy here was a wonderful surprise, but the one other person I really wanted next to me was Missy. Missy is my dad's little sister, she is one year older than me. I can't remember my childhood without remembering hers because we were inseparable. I never have and never will love anyone the way I love Missy.

The rest of the morning went by in a blur. We decorated tables, our band called in sick but thankfully Bill called his friend Oscar who is a DJ and he was able to set up that afternoon. All morning was spent running around trying to get everything set up outside. Speaking of outside, remember the lovely clouds I mentioned in the morning? Well, it was now afternoon and they weren’t going away! Everyone kept telling me not to worry, it wouldn't dare rain. Larry showed up and did everyone's hair and then it was about an hour before the wedding and it started raining. Thankfully Oscar's stuff was under a canopy and the beautifully decorated tables were under another canopy. Someone remembered the wedding arch that took hours to decorate the night before and put it under the canopy with the tables. From what I have heard everyone was panicking but I was completely calm. Missy and I got ready together in my mom's room and I just blocked the rest of it out. Everything other than Anthony’s screaming as Bill tried to coax him into his tuxedo! LOL

Finally my sister told me that I had to decide what to do, it wasn't going to stop raining. We decided to move the chairs from under the willow tree to under the large canopy where all of the tables were. My brothers friends, my friend Heather and Jessica's mom Kathy all scrambled in the rain running across my mom's huge yard getting soaked and wet moving the chairs from one end to the other. I was still completely calm, I didn't care about the rain as long as I was still able to get married outside. The music started and my wedding began.

My dad and I were standing in the hallway watching the wedding march begin. The rain was pouring down and two of my brother's friends, April and Leesha, stood in the rain along with Kathy, holding umbrella's up so that the wedding party could go from the house to the canopy. I really don't remember much after that point, I mean I do but it was all such a blur, only parts of it stand out in my mind. I remember walking towards the canopy with my dad as he held the umbrella over my head. I remember seeing everyone crowded under the canopy watching me walk across the lawn. As I entered the canopy I could see John standing at the other end next to the wedding arch. My family was all there waiting for me. Halfway down the aisle I saw John's dad waving at me from his wheelchair, I stopped and gave him a hug. My dad walked me the rest of the way and we hugged before I went to stand beside John. The pastor began the ceremony with a prayer and then Brittany started her solo. Oscar had a cordless microphone, which she was able to use. She sounded incredible. Halfway through her song the rain started pouring down in buckets and she just started singing louder. Everyone had tears in their eyes when she was done. The ceremony was very simple, we exchanged vows and then rings, we kissed and it was over. Not only was the ceremony over but the rain had stopped!

Since everyone was still crowded under the canopy, John and I went to greet our guests instead of having a receiving line. When I hugged his sisters they all said the same thing, the rain was there because John's mom was there. John's mom had always loved the rain, when it was raining she would open all of the windows in the house. When she passed away a few years ago, we couldn't bury her at her funeral because there was too much rain, we had to wait until later to finally bury her. It rained days up until the day of her funeral. At the time, everyone said it was her way of letting us know she was there. For it to rain on my wedding day and then suddenly stop right after the ceremony, was a very meaningful moment. John and I both know she was there with us and the rain was her way of wishing us the best.

I hate shoes, especially high heels, so shortly after the ceremony, I took off my shoes and my nylons and I spent the rest of the day in my long wedding dress with the wet grass between my toes. The reception was a lot of fun, we were able to roll out the dance floor and after we ate, we cut the cake and as everyone was enjoying the cake we took pictures and then we danced. I danced with John of course first and then with my dad and then with my brother. As it started getting dark it was time to start the fireworks. Before my brother would begin, he had to say a few words. I wish I could have wrote down all that he said. He thanked everyone for being there for my wedding, he talked about my mom's bday the day before, he talked about John's dad who was in WWII and then he talked about how proud he is to serve his country. Again everyone was in tears. I went to hug my brother and thank him for his wonderful words when Oscar began the last dance. My brother and I started dancing and the floor quickly filled up as "I'm proud to be an American" began to play. Halfway through the song, I danced with John and he held me close as everyone danced and sang together.

The fireworks began and didn't stop until long after John and I left in the limo to go to the hotel. Everyone had a wonderful day and the next few days were spent with my brother and sister, my dad, Missy and the kids. Unfortunately, Sandy got a call from her sisters during the reception and was told that her mom was in the hospital. They think she had another stroke. The day after the wedding I drove her to the airport feeling sad that we didn't have more time together. I haven't heard from her yet, but hopefully her mom is doing well.

Everything for the wedding and the days after were wonderful except for one thing. My sister. Whenever people were visiting and she wasn't the center of attention she would get mad and say something rude making everyone feel uncomfortable. She did the same thing the last time my dad was here for my brother's graduation. The last day my dad was here we all went here together, except for my sister, she refused to go. We went anyway and had fun but not as much fun as we would have had because we knew she was pissed off. Sure enough, she called my dad several times throughout the day making my dad feel bad. When we finally got home my mom was waiting and said that Maria wanted us to meet her at the bar where she had spent the afternoon drinking. I didn't go, Missy and I stood at my mom's house with my brother and the kids. But my mom, dad and John went. My sister was extremely rude to John and to my dad. They only stood about an hour because Bill was fixing dinner. My sister refused to come over to eat so we figured that was the end of that.

Unfortunately not. Shortly before we ate, my sister pulled up in her car and went into the house. She didn't talk to anyone, she refused to even look at me. She was extremely drunk and you could just tell she was looking for a fight. Unfortunately, she got one. My mom had been drinking too and they were both pushing each other's buttons. The next thing I knew, my sister hit my mom and as I scrambled to get all of my kids out of the house before they knew what was going on everyone was screaming and yelling. John stood outside calming down the kids as I went back in the house to see what I could do. At this point my dad was outside fighting with my sister and then my sister left and things calmed down somewhat. I still feel sick as I remember that day. My dad was ready to get the next flight back to California and he did fly out about 5am. Missy and I had one more day together before she had to leave but I don't think I was much fun because I was still so upset by everything that had happened. I haven't talked to my sister and at this time I don't plan on it. She had no reason to do what she did, not in front of my kids. I am very angry and hurt because no matter how much I try to keep her happy she is always jealous, always full of anger, and she is never happy unless she is causing turmoil.

I love my sister but at this point in my life I just want to concentrate on my marriage and on my children, I don't have time for her petty games. I know that before long things will be fine between her and my mom and I will probably be the bad guy because I can't so easily put it behind me.

On a happier note, I have one more week with the girls before they go to California to visit their dad for a month. We have to get all of their stuff planned and will of course be spending time with my brother who will be here for a few more days. Yesterday we took Missy to the airport. It rained all day, which had a very calming effect, and today will be spent writing "Thank You's" for all of the lovely wedding gifts we received. I hope you all had a lovely 4th of July and thank you again for all of the warm wedding wishes. :-) Hugs from the new Mrs. John Sullivan.

OMG…… you won’t believe what happened to me last night! On Monday we picked up my dad and then we had plans on Tuesday to pick up my mom’s friend Jenny who was coming in for the wedding. Jenny has been planning on visiting my mom for quite some time so the wedding (plus my mom’s bday is today) seemed like the right time to visit. Anyway, her plane didn’t arrive until 11:15pm so I ran errands all day and then I suggested to my mom that I have John watch the kids so that we could take Jenny out to have a drink. Around 9pm I was just exhausted, on top of that I had nerves and allergies hit me, so pretty much I felt like shit. I fell asleep on my mom’s couch. I woke up in time to pull my hair back and wash my face and get in the limo to pick up my mom’s friend. I looked as bad as I felt but who cared? It was just Jenny a person I have known my entire childhood.

My mom, sister and my dad all went to the airport to meet her. As we walk in my mom says she forgot her camera and ran outside to the car. I remember thinking…who cares? Jenny is just about to get off the plane and why would my mom have to take a picture right there? Why wouldn’t she wait until the limo was there?? Because you can’t get close to the gate my sister and I were watching people walk through the gate through a huge window. My sister asked what Jenny looked like, all the time I am watching for her and describing her to my sister, I can’t see her. My dad who was on the phone with his wife was standing behind me and I heard him say, “I just saw her but I don’t think she recognized her.” I look at my dad and look around knowing that I hadn’t seen Jenny get off the plane. I turn again and completely freeze. Standing there is Sandy, my very best friend since I was 14. I knew it was her but my mind wouldn’t process the fact that she was standing there so I just froze. Then from what I can remember, I let out a huge scream and started hugging her so hard, we were both standing there crying. My sister said she even started crying as we both stood there hugging and crying for over five minutes.

Sandy had only been on an airplane once in her life, and this was her very first flight by herself. She lives in Wyoming and had to drive to Denver to catch her flight, then she had to switch planes in Minneapolis and ride in a little puny plane to Fargo. She had to arrange for someone to care for her three boys and she had to take time off of work. I still can’t believe that she would do all of that just for me! When I was in the 7th grade at Johnson Jr. High in Cheyenne Wyoming, Sandy and I had a Spanish class together. She was a cheerleader and everyone was in love with her, she was so cute and tiny in her little uniform and she never went anywhere without a crowd of friends with her. I was the smart and quiet kid that people forgot was there, I wore glasses and a ponytail most of the time. Sandy and I didn’t know each other until we were put together in Spanish class because we were the only two students who did so poorly in Spanish that we were not going to some special field trip because we were flunking the class. I was devastated; I had never done so poorly in a class in my life! The funny thing was that Sandy and I were the only Hispanic kids in that class! ROFL

Anyway, towards the end of 8th grade I somehow grew into myself with the help of my best friend Karen, I started figuring out clothes, makeup and hair and I discovered boys. Sandy and I still weren’t friends but she was friends with Karen also. That summer before 9th grade Karen had us both over to her house and Sandy and I just clicked. In 9th grade, Sandy and I found that we had 3 classes plus lunch together and ever since that first day of school we were inseparable. We had lots of fun, got into lots of trouble, and stood by each other no matter what. After I moved to California in my Junior year of high school we always kept in touch and even when we were both married and having children we kept in touch. We don’t talk every day but when we do talk we spend hours on the phone to make up for it. We have been there for each other through many pregnancies, through the loss of one baby, through 2 divorces and countless tears and even more laughs. If I could pick any one person to be here at my wedding other than Missy (my aunt and childhood sister) Sandy would be the person I would pick. I still can’t believe that my very best friend in the whole wide world is here!

On another note, the wedding is tomorrow!!!! I feel so not ready! I have so much to do today! I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July and I will be back soon. Thanks again to all of you for your lovely wedding wishes! When I return I will be an old married woman……can you believe that? ROFL

Graphic by MLL

My brother will be here today!!!!!!! I am so excited! Right now he is stationed on the USS Abraham Lincoln in Washington. He will be here for a little over a week. I know the time is going to go by way too fast but for now I am just going to enjoy having my little brother home! I don't know if I have blogged much about Gilly, he is the most awesome brother anyone could ask for. Well, to be honest when he was younger he was a major pain in the ass, and as a teenager he was even worse but even when he was pissing me off he had his moments where he was just so sweet. I don't know of many teenage boys who would hug and kiss their old married sister in front of all their friends. When Gilly went into the Navy we were so very proud but at the same time it was so hard to watch him get on the plane. I wrote him almost every day while he was in boot camp, he has always been strong willed, always questioning authority, so I just knew boot camp was hell for him. His letters home were hard to read at first, he hated it so much.

When he came home the change in him was amazing, somehow towards the end something just clicked for him and he actually appreciated what he went through in boot camp. Within a year he was a petty officer. We are all so very proud of him and the only hard part is that we miss him so much! Shortly after his visit here he will be going overseas. Of course I am proud that he is serving our country but if I am honest I am scared out of my mind. I worry about him so much, in my mind he is always the cool little kid with an earring and spiked hair who would go with me to parties at my friends house and make everyone laugh, the annoying teenager who would get pissed off at me because I wouldn't buy him and his friends beer, the scared 18 year old who cried as he boarded the plane on his way to bootcamp surrounded by his family and tons of his friends.

This November Gil will be turning 21, hard to believe! He will be spending his birthday away from his family and friends in another country far from home. I get sad just thinking of it. But for the next week or so he is ours and I plan to enjoy every single minute!

I had all kinds of fun stuff to post about the bachelor party last night but I think I've embarrassed John enough! ROFL I will just say that his night on the town even outdid my bachelorette party and I had an impromptu ~down to the boxers~ strip tease at the I-Beam (our local "alternative" bar) by three very gorgeous but very gay guys. So if his night was even crazier than mine I'm sure you can use your imagination! ROFL

We took the kids out to eat as our last night as a family before wedding guests arrive and things get really busy. We had a wonderful evening and then we came home and guess what I found sitting right inside my door? A beautiful, gorgeous basket of flowers from Liz!!! OMG, what a wonderful surprise!! Aren't they beautiful?! Thank you so so much Liz! Our wedding day will be filled with friends and family and I hope you know that even though you aren't here in person, you will be in my heart just like you are right there next to me! And the same goes for you too! :-)

I didn't plan to take the above picture it just came out that way as I was taking pictures of our flowers. I just had to share, it seemed fitting to show a picture of John's mom and dad. Aren't they good looking? :-) They were married over 55 years before John's mom passed away.

Thank you again for thinking of us Liz it really means a lot to both of us! ((((((HUGS))))))

All I can say is at least I had the decency to drag my butt to bed after my bachelorette party!

I got home around 2am after my limo run last night, Jessica went home and I undressed (I already hate that tuxedo, it is way too hot!), did the usual nightly ritual of teeth brushing and face washing and then went to bed to read a book listening for you-know-who to come stumbling down the stairs. I have no idea what time I fell asleep but I do know that I left the lamp on so that somebody didn't fall onto the floor as they missed the bed. I woke up at 7am with the light giving me a headache (I HATE sleeping with lights on) and an empty bed.

I wish I could say that I turned off the light and went back to sleep, unfortunately, I have to admit that I jumped out of bed freaked out that our party boy wasn't home. I ran to the bathroom to see if he had passed out there, I even checked in Anthony's room before I called my mom's house to see if she was home. Why would I do that? Because my mom threw his bachelor party. ROFL I didn't have time to explain it all yesterday. See, John's best man is his brother-in-law who has been very busy and didn't have time to throw a party. To be honest, John doesn't have many friends, he isn't what you would call a "people person", he pretty much dislikes everybody equally. LOL So my mom and a few select people (I have no idea who) rented a limo and took the groom-to-be out on the town. Is it weird to have your future MIL at your bachelor party? Not if it's MY mom. She parties better than anyone I know and I'm sure he had a very wild night complete with stripper bar.

Okay, back to this morning, I call my mom's house to see if she is home. Bill answers and says, "No, she isn't home". So I do what a normal person would do, I panic! I start to go outside to see if the limo is there in one piece but before I get to the door, the phone rings and it is Bill, he found my mom sleeping in the spare room. I of course demand that he wakes her up because I want to know what in the hell she did to my future husband! As he is waking her up I am walking outside to see if maybe he has passed out on the front step, or in the limo, or something! My head is starting to throb, am I pissed off or worried? I'm really not sure. Finally, my mom comes to the phone to tell me that the love of my life is passed out in her basement after spending the last part of the night (or should I say early part of the morning) with his head in the toilet. ROFLMAO My poor mom, wait a minute I'm sure she had something to do with it! My mom didn't want to send him home that way so she took care of him for me, wasn't that sweet? What a way to bond with your future mother in law! hehe I don't think I even want to know what went on last night, I'm just glad he's in one piece and now I can give him major shit because he insisted as he walked out the door last night that he wasn't going to drink until he was sick. Yeah right! ROFL

I have a busy day today, first I am off to take Britt to her last acting workshop. Today they are giving a performance which should be fun, then I get to pick up my tuxedo, hopefully it will finally be here because I have my first limo run tonight! I also have been trying to get my carpets shampooed and Jessica is stopping by to watch the kids tonight because while I am at the casino John is having his bachelor party. I'm sure I'll have lots to post tomorrow! ROFL....wanna bet he drags his sorry butt home to spend the rest of the night in the bathroom next to the toilet?! Sorry sweetie, but we both know when it comes to drinking you just can't handle it, the last time you drank was on your birthday and we both know how that went. Or did you forget? How 'bout a reminder....hmmm? ROFL Does being on the side of the road, hanging on to the rear end of the car with your head in the ditch ring any bells? How about the flashing police lights of the state trooper who pulled up behind us to see if everything was ok? Still not recalling huh? ROFLMAO I'm sure Jenny remembers since she is the one who picked us up and gave us a ride and had to explain the situation to the police officer in her pajamas! hehe Sorry honey, you know I'm only kidding, I hope you have lots and lots of fun tonight! :-)

Oh and here is my Friday Five
When was the last time you...

1. ...sent a handwritten letter? I recently sent out all of my thank you notes for all of the lovely gifts I received for my bachelorette party, does that count? Oh, and a few months ago I sent a letter to Sandy, my best friend since 8th grade who doesn't have email and lives in Wyoming.

2. ...baked something from scratch or made something by hand?I think Christmas was the last time I baked something from scratch when the kids and I baked tons of cookies, the rest of the time I am lazy and bake stuff out of a box.

3. ...camped in a tent? Wow, it's been awhile. I would guess not since '93, Brittany was only a couple of years old and Jorge (exhusband) and I went camping with my dad for Father's Day. We were in Colorado and it was one of the best Father's Days I can remember, we really should do the camping thing more often but when we go to the lakes here we stay in John's family's lake cabin so there is no need for a tent because there we have a nice comfy bed to sleep in.

4. ...volunteered your time to church, school, or community? I co-lead Danielle's Brownie troop, so I spend every other Tuesday at her school with fourteen energetic 2nd and 3rd graders. I am also always there for school parties and although I don't make it as often as I would like, I do attend occasional PTO meetings. Once in a while I am a "Monday Morning" mom, which is a group of mom's who hang out together in the gym and do whatever projects the teachers leave for us like bulletin boards, making booklets, little projects they don't have time for. I seem to spend a lot of time coloring there. It's actually quite fun. :-)

5. ...helped a stranger? Last week an older woman pulled into my driveway driving a mini van and asked if I could help her figure out her air conditioner. I showed her how to work it and she went happily on her way.

I woke up early this morning (5am) and sobbed through the last few chapters of Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I love this book! It has really made me think about things that have been at the surface of my mind that I have pushed back for years. What is it about mom's and daughters that can rip out your heart at the same time that it soothes your soul? How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? What unforgivable sins am I committing now that my daughters will hold against me for the rest of their lives, or should I say my life?

Reading this book takes me back to last summer when my mom's sisters made a visit. That was the first and only time I had spent with all of them together with me as an adult and for some strange reason I had never felt more like a child. Many nights were spent until the wee hours of the morning drinking beer as I listened to them spin the tales of the past. Listening as their spanish tumbled over their english as they took me back to the past. Watching them cry over the mental and physical abuse (dare I use that word?) that they lived through growing up in a dysfunctional family with a cold mother and an abusive father. They laughed over the memories even as the tears still ran down their face. Comparing my childhood to theirs I was blessed but how many years from now will I sit at a table with my own children sharing a beer as I cry over the sorrows of my childhood? Do we cry because the past is so terrible, or is it because no matter how terrible the past is we still yearn for our childhood. The one that we lived through and the one that never was.

I wish to share childhood memories with my own sister but she has no memory of our childhood. Was it really so bad that she blocked it out? Was it so unimportant to her that she no longer wishes to remember? I wish we could compare notes, do you remember hiding in the closet while our parents fought? Do you remember me promising to take you away from all of the fighting and drinking? Do you remember me trying to cover your face with a pillow because your snoring was so loud I couldn't hear every cruel and bitter word that was hurled between our parents and I just knew that if I missed a sentence, if I didn't hear everything going on something bad would happen. Something worse than laying on the cold floor, curled up next to my door as I heard the sound of my mom's head knocking against the thin plywood wall of the cramped trailer we lived in as dad hit her. Did you sleep so sound because you knew that the nights were for our mother's torture just as the days were for ours?

As an adult I can reason out the lashes of the belt against my body as a way for a tired, confused and hurt woman to have some control in her life. I can hear the bitter words and know they weren't really directed at me but more towards her own broken soul. As a child there was no understanding as to what I had done so horribly wrong to deserve the feel of the lash as the leather belt stung across my legs, the feel of the buckle meeting the middle of my back. My mom and I have talked about the past in guarded conversations, we have come to an understanding. We love each other more than life itself, we have shared things that I could never put down on paper, they are held secret in my heart sometimes bringing me to tears sometimes making me wish for just a moment I could be the adult, I could be the one to comfort my mom as I was never comforted. I have gone through my life holding secrets close, never wanting to deal with the pain they would cause.

As I read this book it brought them all crashing down on me as my life intertwined with Vivi's and Sidda's. My family might have been eating enchilada's instead of crawfish but the story is the same. The hurt is the same just as the joy is the same. I have realized that there are things I may never understand, questions that may never be answered. I want to go to this movie with my sister and my mom, I went to sit in the dark with tears streaming down my face as I watch my life on the screen. I want to sit next to my sister as she cries for the memories she no longer carries with her and most of all I want to sit next to my mother as she cries for the past, not for my lost childhood but rather for her own because no matter what I had to go through I know that I have a mom and a dad who love me more than anything in the world and that is more than my mom will ever be able to say. As a mom I have made mistakes, just as all mom's have made mistakes, but I hope that when the time comes, that when my own daughters are mommy's they will look back to the past with a grain of salt and know that I did the best I could as a mom and as a person. I hope the Ya-Ya blood in my veins passes down to them binding them close to me even as they wish to break away.

On my wedding day I will be surrounded by my family, the people I love the most who have the power to hurt me the most, I will be starting a new chapter in my life but I will never forget the old one. Someday I will take it out and share it with my grandchildren, I will show them the person I was and hopefully be able to live with the person I grow to be. Isn't that all any of us can ask for?

Okay, believe it or not, I really do have other things to do, but I am doing what I do best. Procrastinate. The more time I spend here the less time I have to freak out that there is only ONE WEEK left until the wedding! Okay, I am not stressing out (much), I am just going to pretend that I don't see that stupid little countdown on the side of my page and I am going to just sit here and waste what little time I have left before I am skipping down that freakin aisle! ROFLMAO <~~ I am not laughing because it is funny, but rather because I am getting a bit hysterical! Can you tell? hehe Anyways.... here are some things I just know you just can't wait to know about me!

10 Bands You've Seen Live
1. The Eagles
2. Metallica
3. Bush
4. No Doubt
5. Poison
6. REO Speedwagon
7. Van Halen
8. Styx
9. Beach Boys (do they count?)
10. The Judds (I was 14 and forced to go with my mom)

9 Things You're Looking Forward To
1. My wedding
2. My brother and dad getting here for the wedding
3. Our honeymoon
4-9 Umm...ok, I know there are supposed to be like 6 more of these things, but to be honest, I can't seem to think past the wedding! lol So, let's just skip this one for now.

8 Things You Wear Daily
1. My engagement ring
2. My diamond heart necklace from John
3. My gold bracelet from my brother
4. Mango Mandarin lotion from Bath & Body Works
5. Secret deodorant
6. Moisturizer
7. A pushup bra (hey, I've breastfed 3 children!)
8. Contact lenses

7 Things That Annoy You
1. Road construction
2. Mosquito bites
3. My stupid chair that squeaks
4. Bad hair days
5. Junk mail
6. The fact that I am always late
7. The sound of someone chewing on ice

6 Things You Touch Every Day
1. My keyboard
2. The steering wheel to my van
3. John *wicked grin*
4. The coffee pot
5. My CD changer
6. The mailbox

5 Things You Do Every Day
1. Eat dinner as a family
2. Talk to my mom
3. Take a shower
4. Play with the kids
5. Check email

4 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With or Hang out With
1. Gilly
2. Addie
3. John
4. My dad

3 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. American Pie
2. Pulp Fiction
3. There's Something About Mary

2 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment
1. Eminem ~ Without Me
2. Avril Lavigne ~ Complicated

1 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With
1. John.......this had better be the right answer considering we have only 7 days to change our minds! lol

Above questions swiped from Laura who found them elsewhere

I am covered in mosquito bites! I look like I have the freakin chicken pox! Thank goodness there aren't any on my face, but my legs have been eaten alive! I am NOT doing any more yard work. I am done, no more! I haven't been online much, just working on wedding stuff. Everything is actually done. I just have to pick up my dress from the cleaners next week.......OMG, I take that back. I keep forgetting to drop off the marriage license with the pastor so that his secretary can get it ready. I was supposed to have it there last week, but I got lost trying to find the church and just gave up. I was hoping to not have to go into town today but I guess not. At least John fixed the air conditioning in the van because it is way too hot outside.

The girls are getting excited to go visit their dad, I am already dreading it. I hate when they leave, it is so quiet and the house seems so empty. He hasn't given me the exact date but I think they are leaving a week after the wedding. John and I are going on our honeymoon about a week after they leave. My mom is keeping Anthony and we are going on a roadtrip to Wisconsin. I went on a trip there once when John and I first met and I remember thinking how much he would enjoy it. I love roadtrips, we have never been on one just the two of us so I am very excited. :-)

Okay, I just had to do this, stolen from Laura. I went to Google and typed in "Lisa is" and this is what I came up with, other than of course the porno sites.....there sure are a lot of porno stars named Lisa! lol If you try your own name be sure and keep the quotes around it when you do your search.

Lisa is a loser

Lisa is part of NASA's Structure and Evolution of the Universe

Lisa is currently working on her third Forgotten Realms project

Lisa is Editor-in-Chief of eLearn

Lisa is an international non-profit organization

Lisa is likely to revolutionise the world of wealth

Lisa is not a match-making service

Lisa is perhaps currently alive

Lisa is forever smiling, Mona Lisa that is :-)

Lisa is a festival

Lisa is a valuable reference tool

I seriously could keep going with this but I think you get the point. :-) Thanks for the sweet posts regarding my earlier rant today. I feel much better. It's amazing what a perfectly cooked steak can do for you. I hope you are all having a wonderful night. I'm going to sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and read my new book, and yes Liz so far I really like it. (Yes, I notice the countdown and no I am not getting stressed out, well not too much anyway lol) *NiTeNiTe*

I hate this weather, it has been so damn hot and muggy, I could just scream! Everyone has been crabby today, the girls and I are driving each other nuts, only Anthony seems to be happy as he plays with his little train set. We spent the morning in the park and this little bratty kid threw sand in Anthony's eyes, NOT on accident, he just picked it up and before I could grab Anthony, he threw it right in his face. He wasn't a little kid, he was at least 4! I don't know why people can't watch their kids instead of sitting there gossiping with other mom's. The mom just acted like she didn't see anything while Anthony is crying because he can't see. Maybe I overreacted, I don't know, I didn't say anything but I'm sure she knew what I was thinking by the look I gave her. We left shortly after that and then took the girls to get their hair cut. We ran some errands for the wedding and wouldn't you know it, the damn airconditioning in the van decided to stop working. You know, I am about to marry a mechanic! Why does everyone's car seem to get fixed but mine?! Sheesh! So there I was with three kids, trying to get things done as quickly as possible which is of course impossible because every road in this freaking town is under construction! Let's just say my day was less than pleasant! I hate to say this because our summers are short enough here as it is, but I realllly wish it were snowing! Maybe I should just go visit Aimee where it is always Christmas. :-)

John came home and the first thing I said to him was, "Are you sure you want to come in here?" Not a very pleasant greeting lol but he was brave enough to come in. Poor thing. I had to rant and rave about my van not working right among other things, I swear, there are some days I think he must be insane to marry me! lol Anyway, he is now grilling us something to eat and I was told to just sit here and try to relax. It has finally cooled down a bit so we are going to eat out on the deck, hopefully my children are speaking to me now. I really have been unreasonable today, I hate this heat (did I already say that?), there are only nine days left until the wedding, my family will be here later this week, my house is a mess, I have a ton of laundry and on top of that I think I am PMSing. What a lovely day this has been.

Eden, I am speechless over your lovely wedding gift! Thank you so very, very much! Words just aren't enough to thank you for your wonderful friendship, I am so thankful to have you in my life! Thanks again and I Iove you lots and lots!

I guess we are skipping the reunion. I think if would have been fun but John is working on limo's and there is a ton of stuff I have to do here. John doesn't think he would really know anyone anyway, I guess most of the people there are distant cousins or something, and the cousins that he grew up with won't be there for different various reasons. His dad went so I hope he enjoys it. John's sister Verlee bought us all really cool shirts. They say "Proud to be an American" on the front with a really cool picture and on the sleeve they say "John L Sullivan Clan" (<~~ John's dad). We are all going to wear them when John's oldest sister and her family come for a visit this summer, about a week after the wedding. She even got one for Anthony and the girls.

Yesterday Verlee and Brittany practiced the song they are going to do at the wedding. Ver is playing the guitar and Brittany is singing. They did a wonderful job, it sounds really good. Well, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I have way too much to do to be sitting here on my butt! Anyone want to come help me finish up the wedding favors? Pleeeaazzzzzze? :-)

Well, I hate to follow the crowd, but this really looks like fun so here is my very first Friday Five. Besides, I didn't get home until after midnight and I am too exhausted to come up with my own witty and original comments. We planted more flowers at my mom's house in all of her planters etc, (for the wedding of course) they look gorgeous. I am so stressed out right now, I have no idea how many people are coming to the wedding because there are some who I know are coming and those that I have no idea about and out of the two groups not very many people have sent back those stupid response cards. You know, those cute little cards that are included with the invitation and are pre-addressed and stamped. Sheesh, how freakin' hard is it to write your name, check the box and put it in a mail box?? Okay, so anyway, here is my FF...

1. Do you live in a house, an apartment or a condo? We live in a house that has been turned into a duplex.

2. Do you rent or own? We rent, the house is owned by mom and stepdad and we rent from them. (my step-sister lives in the other half, which makes for some interesting family arguments lol)

3. Does anyone else live with you? Let's see, my fiance, 3 children, 1 cat and 5 kittens, on the other part of the duplex lives my stepsister, her husband and their 3 children. Thank goodness this is a large house!

4. How many times have you moved in your life? Hmmm...I've lived in Wyoming, Colorado, California and now North Dakota... I'd say in my adult life (I couldn't count how many times I moved as a kid, my dad is an IronWorker and we moved a lot) I've moved about 7 times.

5. What are your plans for this weekend? Nothing but wedding stuff. Only 12 days left and I have way too much shit to do! Hopefully I can squeeze in a little alone time with John and go to a movie or something. Okay, so I completely forgot, this weekend is John's family reunion so I guess we will doing that on Saturday and Sunday will be spent on finishing up wedding details. Have I told you how sweet John's dad is? When this reunion was being planned he was contacted for family information to add to the family tree and he not only included me but he included all three of the kids! Isn't that sweet? I was so surprised and of course very touched. I guess that means we HAVE to get married huh? lol

I woke up this morning and the kittens were gone! I looked everywhere and couldn't find them. Finally after 15 minutes of looking I heard little tiny meows. They were coming from Anthony's room. While we were sleeping last night she moved them all into the back of Anthony's closet! Sheesh, I knew she was pissed off about me taking pictures, but I didn't know she was that pissed! ROFL

My dad sent money for the wedding which I received yesterday. Thank you very much Dad! So today I have to go pay off some of the larger amounts (like the rental place). I also have to stop by the place that is doing my flowers and change my order a bit because there has been a slight change. Michelle (stepmom) and the kids won't be able to make it. I guess Jeremy is in summer school (he is a junior I think?) and if he misses even one day he will have to repeat his last year of school. From what my dad says he has really been blowing school off and of course Michelle is determined that he is going to graduate on time. So with Jeremy not being able to make it, Michelle doesn't feel comfortable leaving him alone for two weeks. So her and the kids are staying home and my dad will fly here alone for the wedding.

I'm starting to hate that countdown on my page! I think it must be broken.......it seems to be going way too fast! Yikes.....only 2 weeks left!!

Sorry for not posting the kitty photos yesterday, I started working on new graphics and lost track of time. Mittens was so pissed at me when I took the pictures, she kept laying on top of the kittens to keep me from seeing them! I had to have Brittany hold a couple of them so I could get a few good pictures. Well, I am oh so late (yeah, what else is new?!) so I've got to run. Enjoy the pics. :-)

My cat is trying to drive me nuts! Her kitties were way in the back of the laundry room so yesterday since I was cleaning the laundry room I moved them into a warm cozy basket with plenty of room for her to feed them without squishing them. Last night as we were getting ready for bed I noticed her in my closet. She had moved them all into a very small wicker basket that I use to keep magazines in. It was empty because when we moved stuff around in our room I threw them all away. So the kitties are once again squished and now I have to keep the light in my closet off because if I turn it on Mittens gives me the evil eye! Since she's already pissed off at me, I think I might as well just piss her off more and take pictures of them! I'll post them as soon as I am done.

Hope you all had a great weekend. We had a wonderful day at the park and then went to spend some time with John's dad. He is so funny. He says he has the perfect song picked out for the wedding! Can you imagine?! lol I don't think so! hehe He says that if we can't find someone to sing it he can yodel it for us! I keep telling him that I have a song already picked out, but he of course thinks his song is better! John's sister Verlee is going to play the guitar (I'm sure she is home right now practicing, right Ver? hehe) and Brittany is going to sing the solo of this song. I don't know, out of the two which do you prefer? lol