Last night I knew what I was going to blog about this morning. Major excitement about the Denver Broncos winning Monday night football and bitching about stupid shit going on in my life. I spent the morning getting the kids ready for school, getting ready for work, finding shoes and signing homework papers. In the midst of all my mundane crap thousands of people lost their lives in a way that has left me speechless and in shock all day. I have cried, I have worried for my little brother who is in the US Navy, I have been mad and scared and have tried to find the words to explain to my children the how and why of something that there is no resonable explanation to. I think I am still in shock, I know that soon it will set in and I am hoping that I will be able to grieve for my country and for the loss of the security that I have always felt living in the greatest country in the world. I am proud to be American and tomorrow as I see our flags flying at half mast I will cry for those who we have lost but I will also feel a sense of pride for my great country that will overcome this tragedy. Tonight I am praying for strength for my country, for those who serve and protect it and for those who have been touched personally by these tragic losses today. May God Bless you all and may God Bless America.

Work is fun, I really enjoy it. I am learning something new every day and it is fun to be working with Marshall again. We work so well together and of course working together is what brought us together in the first place. The kids are all adjusting very well. I am running out the door because I have to fill in today for someone who needed the day off. I won't be working many weekends but I don't mind once in awhile. I just wanted to stop in and say have a great weekend!

What a wonderful day! Let's see, I wake up to Danielle throwing up at 5:30 this morning. She managed to make it most of the way down the stairs before she got sick. I didn't want to send her to school but I didn't want to miss a day of work my first week! After we gave her a shower and got her cleaned up she laid on the couch. I feel like such a horrible mother. I can deal with every possible illness or circumstance but vomit I just can't do. I had to wake up Marshall to help me clean it up otherwise I would have been sick too. Ick. Thank goodness he loves me so much! lol After she slept until 7:30 am she decided (after I got ahold of my mom to watch her for me) that she felt well enough to go to school. I really didn't want to send her but she wanted to go and she didn't have a fever so I just sent a note to her teacher and crossed my fingers that she would be ok.

I drop Anthony off at day care and the day care woman's son wasn't feeling well. He didn't have a fever or anything so I didn't worry about it. I was at work maybe 2 hours when I got a phone call that the little boy had vomited and was breaking out in spots! Since it is easier for Marshall to leave work he went to pick up Anthony and thank goodness my mom didn't work today so that she could watch him. We still don't know what is wrong with him, she is taking him to the doctor tomorrow morning which means of course that she can't watch him. Hopefully he better soon and I hope it's not contagious. I had to find back-up day care for Anthony tomorrow.....thanks Jason. :-)

After work it is time to pickup Anthony from my mom's and take him for shots. He is behind and so has to catch up. He had four shots today, two in each arm. He was NOT happy! He kicked the poor nurse and I could barely hold him down. Next time Marshall gets to take him! I felt so bad, I wanted to cry more than he did! Poor baby. He was fine by the time we got to the car but I still feel bad. I have to take him in two more months for one more shot and then he will be done until he is four. Next time I take him for shots I'll be sure to not put a white shirt on him! Sheesh!

Brittany now tells me that she has a recycling project due tomorrow and she thought it was due next week which means nothing is done. My mom left her car in town yesterday so now I have to go pick it up, Marshall has to work on limo's all night and I have a ton of laundry to do. And how was your day?! :-)

Oh here's something cute I forgot to mention. The girl I work with most (her dad owns the company) is very sweet. I know I'm going to love working with her. She has been working with Marshall for some time now and he is the person she talks to when she is upset about whatever. He is such an easy person to talk to I completely understand and he has many female friends that use him as their sounding board. I guess if I was insecure in myself or in our relationship I would be jealous but I'm not because I know that I always come first. Besides most of my friends are guys so I guess it's a good thing I don't have a problem with it. lol

Anyway, this girl was so concerned that it was going to bother me that she talked to Marshall about it and asked him if I was going to be upset by her being friends with him. He started laughing because he knows that I am not jealous and of course reassured her that I was not going to be bothered by their friendship. He mentioned it to me at lunch and I thought it was funny but sweet. Later in the afternoon while her and I were working in the office she brought it up. She said as seriously sweet and sincere as she could be, "I just want you to know, and no offense to you, but he is just NOT my type, I mean he's just not my type." I really had to bite my lip so that I didn't laugh hysterically. It was just so funny. So when I told Marshall about it tonight he was like.......oh thanks a lot for crushing my ego.

It's okay honey.......you're still my type. hehe

First day was so incredibly fun. There are so many things to do there and I will constantly be busy which is what I need. The webpage stuff actually won't take up much time. The most time consuming part of that job will be taking the pictures and uploading them. Anyway the day was fun and I only pissed one person off today. Not to worry, I have a feeling she won't be there much longer. *evil grin*

Anthony's first day of day care went well other than the crying he did as I was walking out the door. I was very proud of myself, I didn't cry until I got to the car! Can you believe that I forgot my planner which had the day care number in it?! I remembered as soon as I got in the car but I didn't want to go back and ask for it and upset him more. So I had to go the entire day without calling! When I picked him up he was having fun and of course that made me feel much better! She said that he only cried a minute and he was great the rest of the day. I knew he would be! lol

So all in all it was a wonderful first day for both of us and now I am off to clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry and pass out due to a lack of sleep.

First day of work for me and day care for Anthony and I am a nervous wreck! I couldn't sleep worth shit last night because I kept laying there thinking of all of the shit I should have got done but didn't do. Yesterday was spent frantically cleaning the house. For some reason I just couldn't start work with my kitchen cupboards a mess, so I pulled everything out and scrubbed them from top to bottom. Still so much to do around here but I will have to get to it later. The girls just walked out the door to school and now it is my turn. Wish me luck. :-)

I am starting to feel extremely nervous at the thought of going to work. My list of inventory numbers I am supposed to go over are sitting on my desk glaring at me because I have as of yet to still pick them up. Beneath them is a little "quiz" to get me familiar with the most frequently used numbers. Last night Marshall asked me if I had looked at them yet and I blew up at him. I went on and on about how it is MY job and just because he happens to work there doesn't mean that it has anything to do with him. I think I said something like if I screw up it is a reflection on me and not on him so not to worry about it. He looks at me with this blank look on his face and says "where did THAT come from?" lol.....honestly I have no freakin clue. Thankfully he is very understanding and just gave me a hug and went about making dinner. I hate first days. I always have. Once it's over I will feel so much better.

Anthony and I went back to the daycare on Friday and he had a chance to play. We went in the late afternoon and I was able to meet some of the other mom's as they picked up their little ones. They all were really chatty and friendly with the daycare lady so that made me feel good. I am still nervous over that too. Please, please, please let Tuesday be over soon! lol

I am going to miss you! Sorry I didn't call you back the other day but I didn't know if there were "issues" you need to deal with. Ya know? I'll call in a few days when I think you are a little more settled. I got my candles yesterday! They are absolutely yummy! Anthony keeps wanting to eat the cupcakes! lol I love you and you know what? You WILL get through this! :-) I am sooo proud of you.

The visit to the daycare yesterday went well. The only problem I see is that she has a little boy who is Anthony's age and is also new. He was very aggressive. Hitting the other kids and taking away their snacks. Hopefully he is just acting out due to the new environment. I am going to meet with her again on Friday and see how he is adjusting before I put Anthony in. I am just worried that she will not be able to control this little boy. The rest of the kids are adorable, she has 4 total right now and Anthony would make five. Two of the ones she has now are full time (one of them is her own) and two are part time. She was very nice and I enjoyed visiting with her. It was interesting to watch Anthony interact with all the kids. He loves babies but he did NOT like that little boy. I was proud of him though. When that boy hit him Anthony did not hit him back but he did yell at the little boy to stop. I know he can defend himself, he has two big sisters who pick on him all the time. He never hesitates to hit them but I guess he was able to tell the difference between hitting his sisters and hitting another little kid. Hopefully Friday will go well because I start work next Tuesday.

The girls had a wonderful 1st day of school. Danielle came home and said, "Mrs. Rudolph is soooooooo cool!" lol As soon as they came home it was off to piano lessons. Brittany has been taking piano but it was Danielle's first lesson. She really liked it. They have to practice at my mom's house because we don't have a piano and it's such a pain in the ass to take them over there just to practice. Marshall's sister (Hi Verlee) might have a piano we could use with the condition that if Marshall and I split up he gets to keep it. :-) Sheesh, we're not even married and we already have to plan who gets what in the case of a divorce. hehe

I think I may have found Anthony a daycare. We are going to stop by there this afternoon so that I can talk to her some more and so that we can see how Anthony interacts with the other kids. She is very reasonable and is licensed. It is ran out of her home and she doesn't have too many kids which is nice. There is a little boy Anthony's age so hopefully he will make a new friend. I really think this will be good for him. He needs to play with kids other than his big sisters who drive him crazy. I am still very nervous about this but hopefully it will all go well.

I am also getting nervous about my new job. Did I mention that I will be working with Marshall? Except for now I have to get used to calling him John (Marshall is his middle name). He came home yesterday with a huge printout of all of the inventory numbers that I will need to know. When I started working at the truck stop I knew absolutely nothing about trucks or truck repair and now I can look at any truck and tell you what kind of filters they use for oil changes and I know more than I will ever need to know about truck tires. This can't be any harder but I am still nervous. The webpage stuff will be easy but I also will need to know how to run the front counter and find parts in the system etc. It will be fun to work with Marshall again but I did make him promise me last night that we won't talk about work too much at home. I would hate for that to be our only topic of conversation! lol

Oh, I almost forgot, I got the job. I start the Tuesday after labor day. So I guess I need to find Anthony a daycare. I am really nervous about it but at the same time excited. I think it will be good for all of us. I really need to get out of this house more, I am driving myself (and everyone around me) crazy. I miss working and of course the extra money will be nice. I am of course most worried about Anthony. He has never been in daycare, I think it will be good for him, but I will be so sad to have someone else watch my baby. He really does need to play with other kids though. He is way too attached to me and Marshall. Damn I am starting to feel guilty!

Today is the girls' first day back to school! They were so excited. It is so quiet here. All week I kept saying how I was so ready for them to go back to school but now that they are gone it is just too quiet. :-( Even Anthony is quiet, it's as if he doesn't know what to do without his big sisters. I hope they have a wonderful day today and I can't wait to hear how everything goes.


Brittany (5th grade) and Danielle (2nd grade)

They were not too thrilled with me taking their pictures this morning. We live right across the street from the school and so all of the kids can see me outside taking their pictures. Brittany was especially embarrassed when the boy she has a crush on rode by on his bike. I kept telling them that I am not the only mom taking pictures today but of course when it is your mom doing it, it is more embarrassing. Sheesh......they are lucky I didn't walk to school with them and take their pictures as they hang up their backpacks and sit at their desks! lol

What a long day yesterday turned out to be. All day shopping with three kids, lots of other moms shopping at the last minute, I still had the limo calls on my cell phone, plus it was so hot I think we were all melting. We did buy tennis shoes and found some really cute clothes here. The girls found so many clothes that they liked that I ended up buying half and putting the other half on layaway for when I get the next child support check. Hopefully it will actually arrive on time next month. We couldn't get in to get Brittany's hair done so we have to go back to the mall this afternoon. She still hasn't chickened out.

After an entire day of shopping I had to hurry back home because Danielle had to be at a pool party for her Brownie troop. At least it was nice enough for them to swim and it was nice to talk to the mom's that I only see during the school year.

Marshall came home and brought me a job application. I haven't really been looking for work but they need help in the office where he works with their web page. The web page is all set up, basically I would be adding new product photos and answering emails. There would also be bookkeeping and other stuff. I filled out the application but I doubt if I will get it because I think I asked for more than they are willing to pay. It would be nice though. I think I am really getting sick of being at home all the time. I have been really bitchy lately, maybe if I worked out of the house I would be in a better mood. My hours would be flexible and I wouldn't have to work weekends so we'll see how it goes. Having extra money is never a bad thing, especially since Christmas will be here before I even know it.

It took a few days but we are all finally dealing better with the loss of our kitty. Thanks to all of you for the kind words and emails. I am still shocked at how hard I took it. I mean, of course it is hard on kids but I was crying like a baby. We never had pets growing up so I've never dealt with this either. Part of me was saying.....get over it Lisa, it's just a cat but the other part of me wouldn't listen and just kept crying. We thought about getting another kitty but have decided that we don't want another one right now, maybe we'll think about it later.

Today is another school shopping day. We are also going to do haircuts and Brittany has decided for sure that she wants a perm. I am so nervous. I don't want her to hate it and I'm afraid she's gonna walk out of there crying. Let's just hope that it all goes well and that she loves it. There is nothing worse than starting school with hair you hate. Maybe I will talk her out of it, I'm still not sure. I'll let you know how it goes. School starts Monday.......I am feeling so unprepared!

We had a kitty funeral for Gypsy today. Marshall found a little wooden box and he wrapped her in a soft towel and put her in the box. The box was so tiny it broke my heart. We buried her in the corner of the back yard underneath a small tree. Danielle found some flowers to place on top and we all talked about our favorite memories of her. It's hard to believe how many there were because we have had her less than two weeks. But she was so cute and cuddly and had her own little personality. We all loved her and will all miss her. Hopefully the funeral will help the kids say goodbye.

Our little kitty died today. The girls both cried all afternoon. I have no idea how to deal with this. I have no idea why she died, if she was sick or maybe just too little to be away from her mom. We have never had a pet die other than a goldfish which wasn't as big of a deal. I am completely at a loss as to what to do right now. I have hugged them, talked to them, but how do you make it right? I am the mommy and I am supposed to fix things, it is a horrible feeling to not be able to fix this. The kitty is in a box in the bathroom right now, I don't know what else to do. Marshall is still at work......I hope he comes home soon. I just don't feel capable of dealing with this alone. We had named the kitty this weekend, her name was Gypsy. I never took a picture of her. Damn I feel like shit right now.

Expect lots and lots of bitching this week! lol My stepsister went on vacation leaving me to handle the limo calls during the day. I have no idea how I used to do this crap 24 hours a day - 7 days a week....hmmm.....maybe that's why I don't do it very often anymore.

Let's see, my day starts off with a driver who is 5 minutes late and within that 5 minute period I get 3 calls from different upset customers who are waiting to be picked up. Yep, it's gonna be a wonderful week. :-)

Today we took the kids here for "Pioneer Days". We had so much fun. This living museum is open year round but for two days out of the year the exhibits come to life. There are people roaming around in costumes of the pioneer era and there are many exhibits on what day to day life was like. We watched a "gun fight" in front of the saloon (this made Anthony scream) and the girls were involved in a melodrama which lead to their train being held up, they also were able to put on old dresses and hats and we took pictures of them sitting in an antique car. We had ice cream in the old creamery, bought candy at the drugstore and the kids and I tried rommegrøt and lefse for the first time. No one was too impressed with the lefse but Brittany and Anthony liked the rommegrøt but I can guarantee you that even if they would have had this to try no one would have tasted it. Marshall's sister was laughing at us, she says if they can eat taco's we should be able to eat lefse.

The coolest part is that we saw Marshall's dad's picture at the law enforcement museum. Marshall's dad was acting chief of police in Moorhead for many years. He was very young in the picture and very handsome. We went to his house after we left and he was surprised to hear that his picture was up. I wish we could take him to see it but it would be way too much walking for him and when we suggested he use a wheelchair he pretended not to hear us. We walked all day, in and out of all of the different buildings, there was so much to see and we probably only saw half of it. Definitely a fun day, the kids are excited to go again next year.

The girls and I went powershopping yesterday. We bought all of their school supplies at Wal-mart. Wow......talk about a madhouse! I guess I'm not the only one who waits until the last minute. We ran into the school secretary and found out that there was a last minute change on Friday and that all of the teachers had been switched around. Brittany had been celebrating last fall that she wouldn't have to have the normal (and rumored mean) 5th grade teacher. I wish I could have had a picture of her face when she was told that she would have this teacher after all. Her poor little face dropped but she smiled bravely at the secretary and just nodded her head. It was so funny. So after stocking up on glitter pencils, stacks of paper, boxes of markers, crayons, glue, glue sticks, gel pens, new backpacks and cute little plaid covered notebooks and pencil boxes we decided to shop for clothes.

Not fun. My girls drive me crazy now, I can't imagine when they are teenagers. We glanced at Wal-mart....but their clothes suck. The only thing we found was a cute sweater for Brittany. So we moved on. Brittany has been reading this magazine all summer and has it in her head already what she wants to buy. Amazingly we found her dream outfit for the first day of school. It starts off with a pair of boots.......I still can't believe I let her buy them! LOL.....I think she was shocked that I let her buy them. At first I almost said no, but then I figured that it's her feet. If she want's to wear them why not? They aren't any worse then some of the shoes I used to wear. So to go with the boots she found this really cute red plaid mini-skirt. I just love plaid skirts, they are so adorable. Danielle got one too with this cute black vest.

So we found a few really cute outfits but of course we are not done. We're gonna have to go back and brave the crowds next week. After all of our shopping we picked up two pepperoni pizza's and brought them home to our guys and ate pizza while we showed off all of our purchases. Marshall of course has to go on and on about how the news said that it cost $40 to send a child to school with school supplies so he's going to complain to the news because they were wrong because I spent way more than that. And then he has to go on and on about how his school supplies were old pencils, a used ruler and eraser, and paper. Then of course comes the story about walking miles to school up-hill through blizzards both ways. He had the girls giggling because he was being so funny. Later he just thanked me for not making him go shopping with us. lol

My thoughts for the last few days have been with a close friend of mine who is going through a lot of shit. I am worried about her and I hope she knows that although it may not seem like it right now, everything will be all right. Her marriage is falling apart and as I talk to her and read her blog I keep remembering when I went through the same sort of crap. Regardless if you are the one leaving a marriage or whether you are the one "being left", when there are children involved divorce sucks.

It's been about 5 years now since I left Jorge. I really have no idea of the exact date because in my mind everything was in such a haze that I have a hard time remembering exactly how it all happened. All I remember is that I desperately needed out of my marriage. I felt as if I was drowning and the more I tried to breathe the harder it was to stay afloat. There is nothing that he did wrong, nothing wrong with him, I in fact still care about him very much. I just didn't love him any more. So I packed up my girls and we left. I was accused of being selfish, of only thinking of myself and not my family. I have felt so much guilt for what I did but NEVER have I had any regrets as to how everything turned out.

How can a person live if they don't feel alive? How could I have been a good mom if I lived a life of misery just to keep us "together". I believe in my heart that if I would have stood in my marriage we would have ended up hating each other. So I did what was best for me, I left. Yes that may seem selfish but I guess I'm the one who has to live with that. What I do know is that Jorge did get on with his life. He remarried and may again be divorced soon. We haven't talked about it much but I do get the sense that he realizes why I did what I did, and I think maybe that is why he refuses to settle for a marriage that isn't making him happy just for the sake of not hurting someone. He is now doing what he has to do to make himself happy and I hope with all my heart that he finds it. Because in my heart I only wish him the best because he deserves the best, and he deserved more than to have a wife who didn't love him with all her heart but only stood with him for the sake of the kids. I know that my children are better off, they are happy and well adjusted. There is no tension at home, they see their mom is happy and they love Marshall almost as much as they love their own dad who they visit as often as they can. Jorge and I have remained friends and are in fact closer than I think we were when we were married. I may not have loved him as a wife should but I do love him as my friend and I always will.

As I write this I feel as if I am in a way trying to justify what I did. I think it is because as I hear my friend's pain and anguish over her marriage failing I am feeling guilty because I know that I caused that sort of pain to someone else. She doesn't understand why her husband would leave and as much as I am there for her and wish that I could take her pain away, I can still remember my own desperation to get out of my marriage no matter how much Jorge begged me not to go. Her anger towards him has opened me up to the anger Jorge must have felt towads me. Because he is a guy he had to "hold it together" but I know that his pain was no less then hers. She talks about her life falling apart through no fault of her own and I know Jorge felt the same way. Many of the words she has used were in fact used by Jorge towards me. It really isn't fair that one person can completely change the course of your life. It isn't fair that I could just decide to be a single mom while she doesn't have a choice in the matter.

What I do know is that as hard as this is for her she will be ok. She is strong and she will one day look back and see how far she has come. Her life is now open to many possiblities that weren't there before. I know that at this moment that probably isn't much comfort to her but I have been there in a way. I know that live goes on and when you least expect it happiness and yes even love can find you. Right now maybe that's not enough.....maybe instead of talking to me she should be talking to Jorge.