A day in the life

Today's highlights in no particular order:

1. Didn't hear my alarm and was late to start my day.
2. Kids tried out their Glee karaoke and my ears are still ringing.
3. Sandy's Donuts for breakfast, yum!
4. So freaking cold in Fargo that schools were closed.
5. Can't stop sneezing, daycare kids finally got me sick.
6. Watched The Bachelor, most embarrassing rose ceremony ever.
7. Hiding in my room right now while kids clean the kitchen.
8. Remembering how much louder it is to have four kids at home instead of two.
9. Desperately need to get caught up with laundry.
10. Adding this in because a list needs to end with an even number.

Freezing in Fargo

I think I am resigned to not having a real blog post until the girls go back to school. Just no motivation to sit down and write when I would rather spend my time with them. I only have one more week with them so going to enjoy every minute.

Played lots of games today and pretty much just relaxed. Not much else to do, weather bitterly cold and it is just going to keep getting colder. Wouldn't have went out at all but Caitlyn had dance practice at a team member's home. Not long after dropping her off, Caitlyn was calling me excited to find out that tomorrow is a storm day with no school so they decided to turn it into a sleepover. We went out to drop off essentials to Caitlyn; toothbrush, pillow, clothes etc... and it was a bit creepy. Fargo was a ghost town, roads were slick but not too crazy in town so it was weird to not see many cars out and about. Guess everyone is bunkered down with blankets in front of their televisions for the night. Or maybe that is just us?

Well, the kids might have the day off but I still have an early work day so heading to bed. Night.

Dance

Fun day of dance even if I did oversleep because I didn't hear my alarm go off.
Thankfully Caitlyn didn't get yelled at because I made her late.
So blogging on my phone sucks so this is all I have to say other than Go Bison on winning their third straight championship.

Long Day

My day has been going strong since 5am and finding out at 8am that I had to go downtown to clear up some paperwork. It was cold and windy and of course the only parking I could find was a 15min parking spot and there was no way I would complete my business in that amount of time. At that point I thought screw it, this day is shot so what's a ticket going to do? As I walked away from my van the parking meter person went by, not a good omen. I thought about moving but at that point was just resigned to get a ticket. Lack of sleep can lead to dumb decisions.

So I have a wait before I can speak to the person who can help me and of course there is a loud kid who refuses to listen to his mom. Again a sign that the day was only going to get worse. After the allotted 15 minutes tick by I pulled out my phone to google the cost of a Fargo parking ticket. I found where to pay my ticket but couldn't seem to come across an actual amount. I am picturing around $30 flying out of my wallet.

The loud kid and his mom finally leave and it is my turn. My paperwork is taken care of quickly and I race to my van to find - no ticket! One less thing to worry about and I take it as a sign that this is going to be a good day and it pretty much was. Feeling blessed that the girls were home so that I could leave daycare and take care of my paperwork in the first place. Caitlyn's dance practice was cancelled which gave me time to go shopping in preparation of expected storm and we were home early enough with time for another family game night. So much fun having the girls home.

Tomorrow is a dance competition which equates to a very long day of bleacher seating. Fun. Maybe the storm will keep us at home.... I can always hope.

Monday, Monday

So the problem with having a holiday in the middle of the week is that when you go back to work on Thursday it feels like another Monday all over again. This is especially difficult when you work with children who are usually at odds when their schedule is off. So grumpy kids makes a grumpy me plus my younger kids went back to school and activities so we are all out of sorts. Long story of all of this is that once again my New Year reflective post will have to wait.

Of course I am focusing on the positive and my biggest blessing is having all of my kids under one roof for another week or so before they head off to their respective schools and busy lives. Trying my best to cherish every moment even if I do find myself wanting to nag about the hair in the bathtub and the open sodas all over the house.

New Year

2014, how did it get here so fast? The first day of the year is almost over but I wanted to get in a post to set my intention to blog daily. I am tired if days passing me by and I have no idea where they went. So here is to a new year, not quite sure what it will bring but I am looking forward to finding out.

Summer Bucket List

So I started this post back in June 2012 and I am not quite sure where I was going with it, I am assuming I was planning to talk about our summer bucket list which kept us quite busy! We completed about 90% of our 50+ item list. Everything from camping to a watermelon eating contest, a fun vacation at a beautiful lake cabin in Minnesota to going on a road trip to find an old fashioned drive-in move theater (first time for the little ones). We made stuff, visited new places, went back to old favorites and made tons of fun summer memories.

As I write this, it is already cold and snowy in North Dakota. The best part about toughing it out through a long North Dakota winter? The excitement of waiting for another fun, amazing summer. I am already planning our summer vacation plans (camping in South Dakota!) and I can't wait to see the leaves start to bloom, the snow melt away and finally be able to trade in our winter boots for flip flops!

I hope you dance

Yesterday was a bright sunny day in Fargo, I meant to get up and go to church but due to staying up late watching movies with the kids the night before I ended up sleeping in. So, after a lazy afternoon of not much at all, I started to rush around to get Caitlyn ready for her final dance performance of the season. Before I headed out the door I glanced at my Facebook and noticed someone post that a friend from church had passed away. Finding out on FB was not ideal, especially because the person posting was my SIL and I wish she would have had the consideration to call me. I was upset, sad, and a million other emotions.

I was trying to remember the last time I had seen Sarina, it was on Easter Sunday when her and my older girls sang together for the Easter service at church with the worship band. Sarina was a sweet person, she always had a warm hug whenever I saw her and she always took the time to ask how we were all doing. We didn't spend much time together outside of church, an occasional lunch and this past fall she went with my family to see Danielle's play. She was only 52. The hows and whys are unknown, and in reality they don't even matter. It is just a strong reminder that we need to appreciate every moment we have with those we care about because we truly never know when it will be our last.

I had to quickly pull myself together and get Caitlyn to her dance show. As I watched all of the beautiful young girls, put their entire hearts and souls into their dance numbers, from the littlest ones fidgety in their tutus to the older ones, with graceful turns and jumps, I couldn't help but think of Sarina.

Sarina, I hope that you know how much you were loved, I hope that as your beautiful voice now joins a choir of angels, I hope that you feel the lightness in your soul as all of your earthly pains are now released. I hope you sing and laugh and feel the sunshine on your face, and as the song goes... above all else I hope you dance.

Life keeps going

Well, again another long stretch since my last post. How can I ever hope to consider myself a writer if I don't write every day? I know that I am afraid to face the pain that comes out with writing but this is getting ridiculous! It has been over four years... Time to let go. Of course I know what is holding me back. Forgiveness. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to forgive the one person that I loved so very much and who took my love for granted, who was willing to toss it away for a skanky piece of ass. And speaking of skanks, I still am angry which is most likely apparent, I wouldn't even know how to say the word forgive and her name in the same sentance. I have been contemplating writing her a letter, but honestly don't know if that is really the route that I want to go, I hesitate to open a connection between us because I do not want her to feel that I would want to hear back from her. So I am just trying to get my mind wrapped around the process of forgiving and letting go. It is not easy but I will get there.

Now onto other things... Just a few random events in my life:

I have a new iPad which I love and as I am writing this in bed on my new iPad I am hoping this is the answer to more frequent posts. Although they will most likely be shorter cause iPad typing isn't as easy as keyboard typing.

I am working on expanding my daycare license... On a deadline so really need to get my butt in gear with that one.

My dad had a knee relacement surgery, he is doing well.

My nephew had a surgery to remove some masses from his ear, he is doing well.

Britt is preparing for her LSAT's and is only a few weeks away from completing her junior year at Concordia College.

Danielle is graduating from high school in about six weeks which has me extremely stressed out.

Anthony just had his last choir concert this week and he is excited to tour other schools with the jazz choir. He is also looking forward to another fun summer at Trollwood which starts up as soon as school lets out.

Caitlyn is excited about the new swing set I just purchased and is already hanging upside down on the bars like a monkey, she also just recently taught herself how to do a one-handed cartwheel. She also has her last dance performance today.

I have a zillion things to do today, the first of which is going to be to make myself a cup of coffee, so time to get moving but excited to be able to blog from bed, I could get used to this.

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago I walked down the aisle to marry my first husband. A scared 18 year old girl in a long white dress, younger than my oldest daughter is today. So many things went wrong that day. Family members who had promised to help make food changed their mind and left us scrambling to feed our guests (we had to serve platters of Subway sandwiches!), our reception hall was locked with no key to be found so my step-dad and soon-to-be husband broke a window so that we could get in (my step-dad said he would of course pay for it) and I remember crying because I thought for sure that they would both be going to jail! My dad didn't end up making it to walk me down the aisle but he didn't take the time to even let me know he wouldn't be coming. During the wedding my mother-in-law cried like she was at a funeral and I was quite hurt that afterwards she clung to her son like he was dying and didn't bother to say a word to me much less give me a hug. For our first dance my new sister-in-law decided that the song we had picked wasn't good enough so she instructed the dj to play a different song. We were both too young to sip champagne and our wedding pictures include our oldest daughter Brittany who was 6months old.

I look back at our wedding pictures, we were just kids. What in the world were we thinking? If you would have asked me then, I would have said that we would be together forever. I never would have imagined that on our 20th anniversary I would be here and he would be there and we would be exchanging texts... acknowledging the day with a sense of bitter-sweetness. Feelings of sadness for our younger selves who went into our marriage with the best of intentions but the reality being that we both had so much growing up to do. No wonder his mom couldn't stop crying, her baby was literally just a baby and there he was... a boy making the commitment of a man.

I wish we could say we gave it our best shot. We gave up to soon, didn't even make it to the 5yr mark, or rather I guess I should say that I gave up too soon. There will always be a sense of regret. The sweet love I had for him as a young girl is still in my heart, I feel it every time I look at our daughters who are so much a part of him, Brittany has his dimples, Danielle his crazy sense of humor. I feel it when I come across old pictures or something triggers a memory. And I guess that is what brings the tears today, there were so many fun, good memories. Date shakes, trips to the beach, kisses in the rain, Laguna at midnight, crazy roller coaster rides and trips to Disneyland, driving around California because all we could afford was the gas for a car ride, dreaming of what our lives would bring when we finally had the money to follow our dreams. Our little apartment in Colorado, blizzards with unexpected company, trips to the mountains, cozy Christmases with homemade gifts, horrible cooking on my part and never a complaint on his part, playing games, watching movies, listening to all of his crazy music, concerts, picnics, the birth of our daughters, his beautiful smile, waking up to find him sitting there watching me sleep, falling asleep in his arms. So many wonderful memories and then I woke up one day and that's all they were, distant memories.

Suddenly I found myself at 23yrs old feeling suffocated, I had fears of waking up one day and finding myself an old woman with no idea who I really was or what I wanted. I pushed him away and when I finally was able to breathe and know who I was and what I wanted - I realized that he was so much a part of me and I knew that our little family together was what I wanted, but it was too late. He was too hurt, confused, angry, and there was no convincing him to try again.

And now... twenty years later I wake up to a "Good Morning" text. From the person who will always have a part of my heart, who shares children with me, a history and someday grandchildren but no longer shares my life as my husband. A world away, both of us have/had other marriages, other children and yet I know that we will always have a connection. Not just because of our girls but because we started out as friends and thankfully through all of the tears, hurt and pain, the friendship has endured. And it is with that thought that I wipe away my tears. It is time to celebrate what was but I can no longer feel sad for the "could have beens." Every thing happens for a reason and those reasons are Anthony, Caitlyn and Cassandra who wouldn't be the joys in our lives otherwise.

So "Happy Anniversary" to my friend, a twenty year friendship is something to celebrate. I will always cherish the memories and I look forward to another twenty years of friendship with you.

Another loss

So this week started out as just a normal week. Getting the kids here and there, working, trying my best to make some order out of the chaos that is my home, a typical week in my life. Tuesday was a nice day. Caitlyn had dance and the weather was nice enough for her to wear her shorts without needing to wear sweats over the top. We even left the house early enough for her to pick out her Halloween costume. Late I know, but with the way my child changes her mind it is best to wait until the last minute to avoid the purchase of unnecessary costumes! She is going to be the Queen of Hearts by the way!

So we went to dance class, picked up dinner, came home and I was looking forward to a night to relax and "fingers crossed" go to bed early. Danielle was home from drama practice and she was a bit worried because one of her friends from drama had what she thought was a seizure in the bathroom. We talked about it a bit and then she asked if I wanted to watch tv with her. So we went in my room, found something to watch on Hulu and I drifted off to the sound of an old season of Hell's Kitchen that we had missed. Danielle woke me up before she headed to bed, I got ready for bed and fell asleep reading a book.

I woke up to the sound of Danielle crying so loudly that I could hear her coming up the stairs. The news was that Danielle's friend from drama had passed away from a brain aneurysm. My body immediately went numb. It couldn't possibly be real. How could a perfectly, healthy 17yr old girl go to school and never make it home?

I found myself once again in the place of having to guide my child through the death of someone they cared about. We sat on the couch, me holding Danielle in my arms, rocking her back and forth, wishing that I could take away her pain. We have went through a week of numbness, Danielle going to school and feeling the pain of all of her classmates, and in many ways even more so because she knows first hand how much harder the pain is when the shock and numbness finally wears off. And the rest of us, while not knowing this girl personally, all mourned the loss of the sweet girl with the beautiful smile and even more beautiful singing voice.

Tonight we attended a memorial service for her friend. As part of the drama group, Danielle put together a slide show for the service, she was also part of a group who sang a song from last year's musical. The high school Madrigal singers, who also sang at John's funeral, sang two beautiful songs. Hearing them sing brought back some sadness from that time but at the same time it was a reminder that life goes on. The kids who sang for John's funeral have long since graduated and have moved on towards their future. Many of the kids singing tonight will be graduating alongside Danielle and in the blink of an eye they will also be moving towards their future. That is the process of life, you are born, you live and you die.

Some of us are blessed with a longer process than others, and some are taken from us far too soon. What is important is what you do with your life between the time you are born and the time that you die. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of often going through the motions without being 100% present. That is something that I have been struggling to change but haven't been very successful at doing.

Listening tonight to all of the amazing stories of this young girl who was always smiling, always reaching out a hand to others, ready with kindness and an encouraging word to all that needed it put me completely to shame. As I felt the tears well up in my eyes, for the pain Danielle and all of her friends and classmates are going through, the pain of this girl's parents, siblings and close family circle, the loss that we as a community will forever have without the presence of this vibrant soul.... I also felt sadness for all of the wasted moments I have taken away from my own kids because I can't put what happened with John behind me.

I know that I have been there for them when they needed me, I have hidden my pain during holidays and events so that they can enjoy those special days, I have swallowed my tears when sharing stories of their dad with them so that they can carry those memories, but what about all of those moments, the small, every day ones that we take for granted that I have probably missed because I have been distracted by the voice in my mind that continues to remind me of my personal loss of John? Those moments are just as important, just as precious as the other ones that we plan for. Because chances are, it is going to be one of those little moments that will most likely be the last one you share with your loved ones. It isn't fair that a parent can send their child to school in one moment and in the next they are forever gone without any warning at all. I won't even guess to imagine what this family is going through, I just hope that they felt the prayers, love and support that we have all been sending them.

As unspeakable as this loss is, I hope this girl's parents will find some comfort in the fact that their daughter lived each and every moment with excitement, joy and a passion for living. Not only for herself, but for the entire circle of people around her. I feel very blessed to have known her sweet smile personally and I am taking the time tonight to write down my thoughts because I don't want to ever forget how short life is. How quickly our worlds can spin upside down on what you thought was just an uneventful day in October. I still have a lot of work to do, but it is time for me to stop talking about getting better but actually putting in the action that is required to not just move forward, but to run forward full steam ahead.

I won't always get it right, I have a lot of healing to do.......but in the words of this young girl... "Never give up!" I refuse to live another numb day. That might mean that the tears have to come out, it might mean that I will have to ask others for help along the way, it might mean that I will have to face some truths that I have buried deep inside. I can deal with it, my kids are worth this process and so am I.

My amazing son

I have been wanting to post this since this past weekend but haven't been able to find the time. In the midst of all of my own personal pain I am constantly reminded of how blessed I truly am to have my amazing children and my home and my family and all of the other blessings that are in my life. I am embarrassed that I don't always appreciate the things I have. Dwelling on the sadness keeps me from always acknowledging all of the things I have to be grateful for. Not that I don't appreciate it, because in my heart I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life, it is more just not taking the time to put it into words.

So this post is about Anthony who last weekend participated in an event called Homeless and Hungry. It is a weekend long event, where participants fast for 30 hours, sleep in a cardboard box, do community service projects and raise money, all to help others who are less fortunate. I have never participated. I have no reason other than I am just not as brave as my son. No food for 30 hours, sleeping outside in the cold in a box.... not quite sure which of these worries me the most but I can say that I am not quite ready to give up my comforts. Not to mention, no cell phone, tooth brush, shower...

But Anthony, he not only has participated for the past two years, but he does it with a smile on his face and is ready to participate again next year! Not one complaint when the event was over, he just calmly took his soup and sandwich which would break his fast, picked out the American cheese and quietly enjoyed his meal. I wonder what these experiences will mean to him as he becomes an adult, what lessons will he carry with him as he becomes a man? My son who sometimes gets lost in the craziness of every day life being the only boy surrounded by a mom and three sisters. Women/girls who are often loud, opinionated, moody, bossy.... the list could go on and at every turn he is kind, sweet, patient. Even as his little sister who idolizes him to the point of complete irritation on his part, drives him to want to scream, he can almost always control his frustration and make her breakfast or play a game with her.

I hope that growing up in a house full of women will be another life lesson that he looks back on with hopefully some fondness but also a better sense of himself as a man. It is a huge responsibility to raise a son, and I only hope that I am teaching him half as much as he teaches me.

Who needs friends

While shopping this evening I ran into an acquaintance from the divorced/widowed support group I was part of shortly after John passed away whom I hadn't seen in a very long time. I say she is an acquaintance because I honestly don't know how I feel about the word "friend". I have never had much luck with friendships, my most recent one ended up with her accusing me of having an affair with her husband which came completely out of nowhere. I was very upset for having been accused but said nothing to defend myself because if she were truly a friend she would know better than to accuse me of that especially after what I have gone through in regards to John being unfaithful. There is only one person in this world that I would wish that on and I doubt if the slut who had an affair with my husband will ever find someone stupid enough to marry her.

But that is besides the point, the point is that I just didn't have the energy to care enough to try to make her see how stupid she was acting. The reason her marriage fell apart had nothing to do with me or any other outside person. I would guess that it had more to do with her own actions and the stress of marrying a man who had never had kids and suddenly giving him a family of pre-teens who were a handful.... to put it as nicely as possible.

By the time this accusation came around, I honestly didn't care enough to invest even the breath it would have taken to try to fix the situation. Let her believe what she wishes.... the "friendship" was obviously a joke and I didn't really care enough to go through the trouble of cutting the ties. After John died, so many of my relationships fell to the wayside.... did it really matter that there was one more?

I know that having friends is important and when I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself I do wish that I had an adult friend to share things with but then I realize that having a friendship would take time and my time and energy feel stretched so thin right now that I just can't imagine having anything more to give to anyone other than my kids. Is it fair to seek a friendship when I know that it would be extremely one-sided due to a lack of interest on my part? Right now, my mind is so wrapped around all of my own sadness and pain that it is hard for me to let others in because I feel too fragile to dare risk any more pain. Can you really have a friendship if you are so busy putting up walls that prevent others from really getting to know you?

John was my best friend and I never imagined him doing anything to hurt me as much as I am now hurting. If you can't trust the one person you have pledged your heart, life and soul to.... who can you trust? And then when that trust is broken, when you bury the pieces of your former life in a little box, can you ever really be whole enough to let others in?

I want to have friends, but I also want to make sure that I am ready to be a friend before I really pursue any further relationships. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends, good friends who have been very patient with my distance as I try to put myself together. I also have would-be-friends who have reached out to me, even as I build those hard to scale walls around me. Sadly, I still feel too raw to let anyone too close, I still need these walls to protect me from more pain than I can handle.

I just hope that when I get to the point that I am ready to let people in, there will still be people around who care enough to still want to be my friend. As to the acquaintance I mentioned earlier, in my heart you are more than an acquaintance, you are my friend, I am just not very good at showing it. I hope that you were able to see that in my eyes when I walked away. I am still so very sad.... I don't want to burden anyone else with this sadness.... but please don't give up on me. I am hoping that very soon, I will be ready to accept the friendship you have extended to me time and time again.... I just hope that at that point, it won't be too late.

Tricks not Treats

So it was a year, almost to the day, between my last two posts. I can't help but wonder what it is about this time of year that makes me ready to let go of the past and of course the flip side of that is what happens to make that motivation go away? I obviously haven't dealt with it if I find myself back in nearly the same place year after year.

First I think it must have something to do with the fact that the calendar year is almost over which of course means that another anniversary of John's death is right around the corner. I also just realized that Halloween is when I first started seeing signs of how sick John was. He loved taking the kids trick-or-treating. In fact there were some years where the weather was too cold so I would stay home and pass out candy and he would be out there for as long as the kids wanted to trick-or-treat. Our last Halloween together Caitlyn was 3. She was dressed up as a cute little witch and I remember the three of us going together. The older kids were with their friends and I think my sister and nephew went for a short time but they left early. As we got towards the end of the trick-or-treating, Caitlyn started complaining about being tired. When a 3yr old is tired, they are TIRED and no amount of coaxing is going to get them to belive that there isn't much farther to go before they get home. She wanted to be carried and there was no convincing her to walk. John was always the first to pick her up, regardless if his back hurt or if he was tired, he always carried the kids, there was never a time prior to this night that I carried one of the kids if he was there as well. But that night, we were about a block and half away from home and there was no way he could carry her. His cough was so rough, his lungs hurt from what he thought was the coughing and he just didn't have the strength to carry her. I remember picking her up and joking that he must really be sick. He was quiet, I just figured he was tired but thinking about it now I wonder if deep inside he had an idea of how sick he really was.

Now that I think about it, I realize that Halloween was definitely the turning point between John being well and us finding out he had cancer. He was also sick for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Writing it down of course I can see how I should have known there was something very serious going on. But at the time, I honestly had no clue. Yes he was sick, yes he had a cough that didn't go away, and in the back of my mind I did notice some weight loss and he was definitely irritable but we all had colds at some time or another that fall, and with his smoking, him having a cough didn't seem too odd. He was always on the thin side so in my mind I just figured it was old age, his dad was on the very thin side as well and he lived past 80. As for him being crabby, well he wasn't exactly Pollyanna. He was forever seeing the gloom in things, even when he was happy he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was used to his different moods and didn't think much of it.

Besides all that, in my mind I just couldn't imagine that a thing like cancer would hit so close to our family. Yes, you hear all of the statistics, but really that happens to other people, not to us. As I think of that last Halloween and how it represents his health quickly fading, I feel my stomach clench as I picture him slowly, walking next to me as I carried Caitlyn in my arms 4 years ago. Never would I have guessed that it would be our last one together. I feel ill as I realize that I still have to live through the memories of all of the other holidays that are right around the corner.

I feel ill because in my mind I do blame myself for not asking more questions when they kept diagnosing him with bronchitis, why didn't I make them do more tests when the antibiotics obviously weren't working? He was taking his first round of medicine that Halloween, I honestly expected him to get better. I am angry because I can't perfectly picture that night, I have images of Caitlyn her little witch costume and striped tights, I can see her tripping up the stairs, her trick-or-treat bag a little too big for her to carry, but what I can't see is John. Did he talk or was he in too much pain, did he have a good night or was he hurting too much to enjoy it, was I patient with his slower pace or did I get irritated? I don't know. I will never know because we aren't always given the gift of knowing when a loved one is going to die.

We always hear that we need to treasure every moment as if it were our last, always tell your loved ones how much you care because you never know when that final goodbye might come, enjoy your children's childhood because it disappears in a second. We hear those cliches but they don't really hit home until we send our baby off to college, we bury our loved ones in the ground and we lay in our hospital beds knowing that the days truly are numbered and we are too sick to enjoy them.

Is that part of my pain? Not only saying goodbye but knowing that with each year that goes by my days here are numbered as well. I focus every holiday season on making sure the kids have the best holiday ever, I focus on making sure that I stay happy and upbeat so that they don't have bad holiday memories of their mom who was always sad or crying, I focus on buying, buying, buying because after all retail therapy is a good temporary fix. And then New Years comes and I do my best to escape my house, go to a hotel with the kids so that I don't have to lay in my room and remember the very last time we ushered in a New Year together. I don't have to start counting down the days until we find out how sick he really is. But that escape can only last so long and despite my best intentions for THIS year to be the one when I finally get my shit together I eventually can't hold up the facade that all is well and I crash.

I can't fall apart, I can't cry, I can't scream or yell.... I hold it in. Bury the pain in mindless tasks and food. And just when I think I can't take it anymore, I finally am able to distract myself from the pain when the cold, gloomy weather turns warm and sunny. I can focus on summer vacations, swimming with the kids, camping, roadtrips, they are all a nice temporary fix until fall rolls around and the pain starts creeping into my mind and I find myself here desperately trying to pour the pain out through my fingers as they click and clack against the keyboard.

I don't want to continue this cycle again. I want to be done with mourning, I want to be done being sad, I want to be done with the guilt and anger and hate. Hopefully I am finally turning that corner. I have never put the pieces together in quite this way. As I write it, I find myself having a "duh" moment, why didn't I realize all of this before? Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I am just stupid, all I know is that I am not going to stop. I am not going to stop writing until I have emptied every last sad, crappy, negative thought. And when I am done doing that I am going to get rid of the anger and the hate and every other energy draining feeling. I am tired of letting these sad and depressing memories live in my head. I am strong, there is no doubt that I am strong but now it is time to use that strength to deal with the pain, and it is far beyond time that I use that strength to finally start living. Living in the present and not in the past.

So from here on out, I will work through the lifes' "tricks" and will truly make time for the "treats" that my life has to offer.

Letting Go

I have no idea how long it's been since the last time I blogged. I decided to not look at my old posts before writing again. I am pretty sure that this will be close to the last blog I wrote because I feel like I am in the same damn place. I have not been able to let go of the pain of losing John, and even more so the pain of finding out he was unfaithful and had another child with someone else shortly after Caitlyn was born. More times than not I wake up and will replay what I could have, should have done when I blindly ignored what was right in front of my face.

I don't know how to let go of the pain that is killing me inside because I don't know how to forgive. How do I forgive the man that I held in my arms as he took his last breath? How do I forgive the woman who was sleeping with my husband while pretending to be my friend? How do I let go of the bitterness and anger when I still feel so much towards them both?

I know, I know.... when you hold hate towards someone you are not only keeping them in your life but you are giving them more power than they deserve as well as keeping yourself at a standstill. I want to let go, I just don't know how. I am ready to move forward with my life but every time I try to confront the pain that eats me up I push it back down because I am so afraid that if I take it out to examine it, it will consume me even more than it already is.

So I have stopped writing and I continue to push the pain deeper and deeper inside. I don't know how else to confront what I am really feeling except through words. I don't have anyone to talk to, or should I say that I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't think that anyone could really understand what I am going through. I can't live with this pain anymore. I want to let it go, I want to let go of the anger.

I have so much anger, I scare myself sometimes.

How do you let go? When the person you are angry at is dead? How do you forgive someone who has hurt you more than you could ever imagine hurting? My life is going to be at a standstill until I figure out how to move on.

So I am going to write, I have no idea what I am going to write but I do know that I will purge it all out here. I have to let it go, I have to forgive. John is dead, he doesn't have to live with the consequences of his actions, the skank slut he slept with obviously has no morals so she isn't going to feel remorse for her actions, the "family and friends" who have turned their backs on the kids and I since John passed away obviously don't care so it is time for me to stop caring as well.

I don't think one post is going to fix this, I don't think that the want to let go is going to make it happen. But ignoring the situation is also not going to do much to get me past this anger and pain. So this is the start.

Day 1 to getting my life back.

Ok.... so about 15 minutes ago, right after writing the previous sentence, there was a loud CRACK and the power went out. No lights, no computer, nothing. It made me jump out of my chair! I am all about signs so the first thing I think, well after I think how thankful I am for Blogger's autosave, is that I need to get my ass in gear. Obviously, someone, somewhere agrees with what I have been writing and it is time to get off my ass and make shit happen.

So for today, my first day of however many it takes to work through all of the bullshit, I am going to get rid of the shit that I can actually see. No more clutter in my room, no more boxes of papers that need to be sorted through, no more piles of laundry that need my attention which distract me from the real issues in my life.

And isn't that really the issue? My life isn't being lived to the fullest. As long as I am carrying this extra emotional and physical (clutter, excess pounds, etc.) weight I will never be free to enjoy the life I am meant to live. I am so fucking sick of being sad I could SCREAM! But unfortunately, I am going to have to deal with the sad, and with the anger and all of the other bullshit before I can truly move on.

No more hiding. Time to take action, time to live. Wish me strength because I am going to need it!

Blah

Just wanted to check in, I don't want another year to go by before I blog again. Not much going on, kids getting ready for Halloween and Christmas lists are already being made. It is crazy how fast the time goes by, it seems like just yesterday we were spending our summer days out at the pool and now we are almost a few months into the school year.

Looking forward to the weekend, nothing much going on but hoping to get some work done in the garage. This is the first summer that we haven't used it, I think I mostly just needed a break from looking at all of John's stuff. If it weren't for the kids I would box it all up and not have to look at it for quite some time but I know that the kids take comfort in seeing his stuff so I will just do my best to ignore it.

I still have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that I am completely lost. I have so many things to work through and I have no idea where to start. I know that this is not where I want to be, this person is not who I was meant to be. I find myself so angry at myself, am I really that weak of a person that I need another person to complete who I am?! I think that is why I am so afraid to date, I don't want to lose myself in another person. I want to find myself. Yes as cliche as that sounds it is true.

I am so sick of this sadness I wish I could rip it off of me and tear it into small little pieces. I wish I could chew them up and swallow them to be dissolved into nothing more than forgotten waste. The scary part is that I almost feel as if this sadness is all that I am... if it is gone then what is left? I am sick of being afraid, sick of being sad.... but knowing that I want to change is completely different from knowing what to do about it.

So I just keep pushing the words and thoughts around in my mind, hoping that at some point they will all make sense. That I will soon be able to look down and see the instructions on what it will take to put this behind me and finally move on. Because I know that I want to be ready to move on... I just need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap so that I can finally do so.

Which Way From Here?

So another year has gone by. I hate that my blog is so neglected. I love writing, I love having a blog, I have years invested in this space I don't want it to just disappear. I know that I have so much that I need to write about but it is yet another thing I ignore. Somewhere in the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that if I just keep ignoring the things I need/want to do they will eventually go away.

So days drift by, weeks go by, months disappear... and I find myself in this place. Paperwork that desperately needs attention, layers of dust on my neglected books & bookshelves, a lawn that is starting to look like a jungle, weeds - so many weeds, piles of laundry that need attention. Worse than all of that is the clutter in my mind. The people that I have let drift away, the courtesy's that I have ignored, the bills that are behind, the many tasks that are still waiting to be checked off yet another forgotten list. All of this clutter..... it makes me want to scream.... or cry. Most likely cry, but are the tears for the tasks, the stuff, the loss? Yes the loss. The loss of my world when my husband passed away. Should I be done mourning by now? It is well over a year, the dreaded year of proper mourning. But how can I be done when I am still reeling from the events I found out that changed everything I knew about my husband, my marriage, myself.

I think I forget.... and then I don't. I see a picture of the little boy that is half-brother to my daughter. Yes I have a picture, this woman was a "friend", she was in my home, she was in my life in more ways than I ever knew. Or maybe I wake up from a deep sleep and I replay all the details in my mind, all of the nagging things that I ignored and now wish I could go back and replay time to do everything again. Question the phone calls, late nights at work, talk of a business trip just him and her, I knew. Of course I knew, I put my foot down on that trip, deep in the pit of my stomach I knew and I said absolutely no, I would not stand by and let that happen. He didn't go.... they didn't go. But a trip wasn't needed, they still did what they did and a child was still born. Which is worse the child or the act itself? Could I forget, forgive the act if the child didn't exist? Of course if it weren't for the child I would probably never know about the act. These questions nag my mind when I wake up too vulnerable from a deep sleep to push them aside with the clutter of everyday life.

So I fill my days with nothing, mind numbing tasks to keep me from feeling the full emotion of the anger and pain that is still simmering beneath the surface. I am afraid. I am afraid of what will happen if I let those feelings out. I scare myself. I hate him, I hate her, he is dead and she isn't and regardless of either one of them there is still a child that someday my daughter will need to know about. I hate him, the man I married, the most when I think of having to tell my precious little daughter the ugly truth. There is a boy, he is your brother.

I hate that my oldest daughter has to go to work and have to see her. This woman who can live her life with no cares to all the chaos she has caused. Buy her bread and eggs and milk, maybe a treat for the child that shouldn't exist. While my daughter, who loved that man as a father, has to stand and seethe with anger knowing the pain this woman has caused. I wonder what I would do with a minute with this woman.... or more... what would I do with more? Would I talk, cry, lash out, hurt.... I feel my stomach twist when I think of having to see that face. It will happen, it is bound to happen, this is a small town, small community. Will I be able to finally start putting this behind me when I finally face what sickens me the most?

I don't know, what I do know is that I need to start getting some of this poison that I feel out. If just to get it out in words, out of my mind. So that is what brings me here today. My first step in letting go. I have let go of so many things, friends, family, objects, those I might miss but I can live with that, I can sometimes be thankful for the lack of clutter both physical and emotional when I think about the things that I have lost. It is the loss of myself that I fear the most. I look in the mirror and the person I see isn't me. I know who I am, but I know I am lost. I am hoping that these words, this finally finished task will lead to more finished tasks which will hopefully some day lead me back to me.

The Wiz

Went to see Britt last night in a family preview of Trollwood's The Wiz. It was an amazing show with great detail and the dancing was amazing! The new location is beautiful and is well worth the visit. Britt was great as a munchkin, flying monkey, cubbette and other dance/singing parts. The costumes were gorgeous and it was great to see The Wiz updated to a more modern feel. Tonight is opening night and there are plenty of show dates to choose from, if you haven't thought about it yet, I would definitely recommend you get tickets to see The Wiz!!

Still Coping...

So it's been awhile, I am still dealing with the pain from my last post. Some days are really, really good and other days are really, really crappy. Thankfully there are more good days than bad. The kids are enjoying a fun summer, swimming in the backyard and hanging out with friends. Brittany is busy with another intense summer of rehearsals for Trollwood, this year they are doing The Wiz, opening night is this Thursday! We are all very excited for that. Danielle has a new boyfriend who we all really like, he is a very nice boy. Anthony went fishing with his Grandpa Bill yesterday and also went to camp for the first time ever so he is enjoying summer very much. Caitlyn hasn't had many adventures but she seems to make her own and is excited to be going to the fair soon and starting kindergarten this fall... where in the world does the time go?!

I have been thankful for the support I have received from family and friends, and I appreciate the understanding when I just need some time to myself. I have so many days when I feel lost, I am trying not to let my anger at John change my memories of him and what we shared together but at the same time there are times when I feel like my entire marriage was a lie. I am thankful for JR who has really been my sounding board through all of this, I honestly don't know what I would have done without his friendship. I am still struggling to maintain a relationship with my other step-children, that seems to be hit and miss for the most part, more on the miss side right now but I am learning to not take it to heart as much.

So, obviously there is probably quite a bit more to share but again, feeling overwhelmed by all that has happened. Just wanted to check in and say that the kids are all great and I am maybe not great, but I am hanging in there.

At a loss...

So I have been rewriting this post in my head about a million times. Do I write it, do I not write it? In the end I decided to write it because the purpose of this blog is for me to get my feelings out and at the same time have some sort of path to look back on and see how I got from Here to There. My blogging has been sporadic and I hope to someday remedy that, but since it is mainly for me and I honestly don't even know if anyone reads this I will just continue to write here.

I made it through the one year anniversary of John's loss and really felt like I was going backward instead of forward. February and March were pretty much blurs of sadness. It felt like I was never going to heal, as if the rest of my life was going to be this continuing pit of feeling alone and lost. On March 31st, a Tuesday I went to bed so filled with sadness that I prayed to God, to John?, to anyone listening that I needed help to get past this sadness. I was so tired of feeling like I was just functioning but not living. I cried deep, sobbing cries, the pain was just eating me up and I finally had to let it out.

You know the saying..."Be careful what you wish for!" .... you have no idea how true that really is. The very next day, April Fool's day to be exact I found out that I was the biggest fool ever and I went from being sad to being so fucking angry I could hurt someone...or to be specific two someones. Apparently, my wonderful, loving, devoted husband wasn't as devoted as I thought. I received a letter telling me that my children's Social Security payments were being reduced because there was another child who was being claimed on John's account. A child born less than a year after Caitlyn my 4yr old was born. It took me about 20 minutes to process the information and realize it wasn't a mistake... and the second it sunk in I knew immediately who it was. Off on and on, from the very first moment I met this woman (John & I both worked for her father) I had this feeling that something wasn't right. Anytime I questioned it to John he would tell me that I was imagining things, and for whatever reasons I had I choose to ignore my gut instinct, that this woman was a danger to my marriage, and just blindly trust in the lies he fed me. Even as I come to terms with the truth, it is so hard to believe that he not only had an affair with the office slut (she slept with every single one of her father's employees) but he fucking got her pregnant!

There are no words to explain how angry, hurt and betrayed I feel. What pisses me off the most, is that the entire time I was telling him that I had this feeling that I couldn't trust this woman, he was telling me that she was a slut and that he would never think about touching her because who knew what sort of diseases she carried... and all along he was fucking her. All of the times that he would tell me that he loved me, all of the letters he wrote telling me that I was the love of his life, that I was the only woman he wanted, that he would be lost without me ...it was all a lie and I have to wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself? I don't know if this was a one time thing or an ongoing thing... I am pretty sure it was NOT a one time thing although the only person who could tell me would be the slut and I don't want to hear anything she has to say. In all honesty, does it really matter? Once or a hundred times.... it is all the same... my husband was a liar and a manipulator.

As I process all of this shit, one thought keeps coming into my mind...I feel as if he died all over again. Seriously, it is lucky for all concerned that he is already dead because I honestly don't know what I would have done if I would have found out while he was alive. He always made jokes about being afraid of my Hispanic temper... he should have been very afraid because I could beat the crap out of him right now. Here is the hard part, how is it possible to still love and mourn for someone that you now hate? And the real question is do I really hate him? I am still struggling with that, I want to hate him but I think I mostly hate myself. I fucking knew something wasn't right and I completely ignored it. And as much as I hate this situation, part of me is thankful for not finding out until after he was gone because the reality is that I would have left him and he would have died with this anger/hate between us and I would have been the one who had to live with that guilt. Because regardless if I knew or didn't know, he still would have got cancer, he still would have died...no one deserves to die alone.

So the sadness is still there but most of it has been replaced by anger. This anger is motivating me to do things that I should have done a long time ago but felt too guilty to do. It is hard to lose a spouse, someone who everyone including myself described as "the love of my life" and not feel guilty for being alive while they are gone. How could I ever date again knowing that it would be impossible to fill the shoes of my "one true love"? Notice the sarcasm here? Am I ready to date? Fuck no... it will be a long time before I will trust myself to find someone worth my time, but do I want to keep that option open? Yes! I am 36... my life is far from over, John may be dead but I am not and someday I hope to find someone to share my life with. Even before I knew this horrible truth about him, I knew that someday I would be ready to move on and every time I thought about it I felt guilty. Well guess what? The guilt is gone! I was able to remove all of his stuff from my room and am working on doing the same for the rest of the house. Wedding pictures of the two of us will soon be removed and they will be replaced by pictures of him with the kids. My wedding rings and the heart necklace he bought me are now in a box to be given to Caitlyn some day, his shirt that I have slept with for almost an entire year has now been boxed up along with the rest of his stuff. The anger motivated me to do all of those things that might have taken me years to do otherwise. For that I am thankful.

For the first time in over a year I feel free. I am not bound by mourning, I no longer feel the need to define myself as the grieving widow. I no longer feel honor bound to build him up and be his secret keeper. I can now see him as a man, a man that I still love, but one that was flawed and broken when I met him, a man that I made the choice to marry and love, a man who was human and not the superhero I made him out to be when he died. I am working on forgiving him his mistake, because that is what that slut and her child are, a mistake. I know how much he loved me, I know that with all his heart he wanted to be a better person for me and the kids, I know that the most important things in his life were me and our seven children... there was no place for her or even that child in that. When we found out he was dying his only concern was me and our kids, not once did he mention his mistake or her child, honestly I think he was somehow able to separate himself from that and from them, they never belonged to him, they were no part of him. Would I have respected him more if he would have confessed this to me before he died? Yes, but do I understand why he didn't? Of course, for the same reason why he lived with this lie for over two years. He loved me, he loved the kids and he didn't want us to hate him, he didn't want to lose us or the respect we had for him.

So how can someone who loved me so much do something so stupid? I am working on coming to terms with that, I don't like the fact that I ignored all of the signs, but I can live with that. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty about something that has NOTHING do do with me. He didn't sleep with the slut because there was something wrong with our marriage, he didn't sleep with her because I wasn't giving him enough love, or sex or understanding, he slept with the slut because he was sick. He had a sex addiction that I was aware of, that I did my best to understand, that I did my best to ignore because I felt that I would be enough. The problem with addictions is that there is never enough, it has nothing do with feelings or emotions or love, it is a sickness just as much as drug addiction or alcoholism. It doesn't take rocket science to draw the lines between growing up in a family effected by alcohol and marrying someone with another type of addiction. My entire life has been spent trying to fix people and things as a way of not dealing with what is really going on inside of myself. When someone doesn't need me to fix them, like my first husband who wasn't broken until our marriage ended, I question the relationship, if I wasn't there to fix it then did they even need me, what was my purpose? It also isn't too hard to understand that I found broken people in my life because I wanted to feel needed, I wanted to be the person to make everything right because that is my "job", that is how I have defined myself. So can I really blame John for fitting into the mold I needed him to fit into? Placing blame isn't going to take away the past so it really doesn't matter, what does matter is where I go from here.

I needed a wake up call and if I don't get it right this time then there is honestly no hope for me. I am now taking two BE classes, one to help me deal with this betrayal in my marriage, the loss of what my marriage was to me and grieving for John all over again, the second is for myself, to figure out how to make myself happy, to be happy with myself so that I don't gravitate towards another person that needs to be fixed. I have a lot of work to do but I have a lot of support and lots of blessing to be thankful for. I have so many people who believe in me and who have been there for me through all of this. I have every reason to get it right... and guess what? That is exactly what I am going to do!